The One Without Schadenfreude In It
Chapter 22: The One Without Schadenfreude In It
Celestia sips her tea carefully, taking in her present company. Luna and Cadence sit on either side of her, as she sits at the head of the table, while Twilight, Discord, and Prince Blueblood sit opposite. Shining Armos has taken a seat at the far end of the table. The usual staff are in attendance, coming and going with much professionalism. Not to mention some caution, given the Chaos God’s presence.
The solar princess taps a large folder against the table, sifting the papers within. “Well, as you are all no doubt aware, our annual performance reviews are due,” she explains.
Cadence raises a hoof. “Um, Auntie?”
“Hmm?”
The Princess of the Crystal Empire looks around the room cautiously. “Why… are all of us here?”
Celestia acknowledges the question with a regal nod. “I can understand your confusion, dear niece. You see, your presence is required as much as ours, because the Crystal Empire also requests that their royalty also provides reviews. As a matter of fact, this was a tradition the Empire started themselves, over a thousand years ago. One of the few productive by-products of the times of King Sombra. Although there is much less flogging now.”
The once-single ruler of Equestria turns to Twilight and Blueblood. “Your presence is less mandatory and more of a teaching lesson. As neither of you have had direct employees longer than a few months, your first annual review is typically voluntary, although I thought this would be a good teaching experience for next year.”
Twilight nodded like the good student she was, eager to learn more about her position as a Princess, and increase her personal productivity. Blueblood simply sighed uninterestedly and stared at his hoof.
Luna took a moment to speak. “And, if I may ask, dear sister, why is… Discord here?”
The draconequis leaned back in his chair with a smug smile. “Celly asked my personal opinion on a rather specialized case.”
Celestia nodded. “It’s true. While this may be like every other performance review in the history of Equestria, it is also the first performance review with regards to… Schadenfreude.” Barring Discord and Celestia, the collective flinch would have earned the most furious of pummelings on any playground. The Sun Princess continued. “Now, the majority of reviews are rather simple. We simply address one department at a time, only mentioning ponies by name when there are outliers. Either in regards to exceptional performance, or the extreme lack thereof. We of course approach each employee’s file individually on our own time, but this meeting is a forum to address those who stand out either in a positive or negative light. Our… most unique butler is a rare case, as he is one of the only ponies in recent history to have worked directly for each pony present.”
Twilight tilted his head at Cadence. “He worked for you?”
Cadence simply looked dead ahead with a flat stare. “Yes. Sometime last year, before I knew any better. He helped set up the Hearts and Hooves day celebration earlier this year.”
Twilight flinched again. “I see.”
Celestia coughed. “Yes, well. Given how his review spans the entire spectrum of royalty, for good or for bad, his review requires each of our inputs. Now, that’s not to say there aren’t other ponies in similar positions, such as the temporary staff I provided for you, Twilight, as well as the staff under my command that helped with the restoration of the Crystal Kingdom. There are also many ponies who work dual shifts here at the castle, who fall under both my and my sister’s purview. However, there currently exists only one pony to have worked for all four princesses, AND both Princes.”
“Schadenfreude,” Blueblood spat.
Discord chuckled.
Luna took over the proceedings, taking a file from a large stack in the middle of the table. It was an assortment of various colors of paper, many notes, and a special scroll attached to it. “Let’s see. Schadenfreude’s personnel file.” She also levitated toward her a special packet of paper from a stack of similar packets. “Now, each review has several questions, though many of these are typically answered by the individual under whom the employee works directly. NORMALLY,” she grunted, not happy about the special scenario the butler had somehow created, which was a logistical headache in and of itself. “Unfortunately, we must address each question individually. Now, I shall go down the list, and address each section one at a time. Question One: Has the employee in question performed all of their assigned duties correctly, timely, and to the best of their ability?”
There was a general murmur of conversation around the table, until Blueblood surprised them all by answering, “Yes.” He did so with a detectable bit of animosity.
The table looked at him.
Sighing, he elaborated. “It’s one of the many things about him that absolutely infuriates me: he’s very good at his job. I find it very, VERY difficult to find legitimate reasons to punish him, and CERTAINLY haven’t found any reason to fire him, not legally. He’s very good about towing the line.”
Cadence nodded in agreement. “Yes, he does have a good work ethic. It’s just… everything else that bothers me absolutely.”
Luna nodded, satisfied, as nopony else volunteered further input. “Question Two: Has the employee shown any disrespect or discontent towards their employee?”
The table paused only for a second to look at each other before they said, in resounding chorus: “YES.”
Shining Armor spoke up. “It’s a shame he’s not a member of the guard. Such disrespect would have had him out on his arse ages ago.”
Celestia nodded her agreement. “True. However, our employment contracts strictly state that personal opinions, political standpoints, and differences of opinion are not acceptable grounds for dismissal in civil service. Otherwise all those crotchety old bureaucrats currently clogging the drains in the Council would have disappeared in the wind long since past. It’s also illegal to dismiss a pony based on their special talent, unless said talent actively endangers the well-being of his fellow employees, coworkers, or clients. Like hiring a pyrotechnics specialist to work in the kitchens,” she added with a pointed glance at Luna.
“I thought his mark was CANDLES, OK?!” Luna protested. “Either way, while it is certainly a negative mark on his file, we press on. Question Three: Has the employee endangered the lives, well-being, or livelihood of his fellow employees?”
There was much debate about this question, as Schaden’s antics had a way of halting productivity, thus negatively impacting other ponies’ livelihood. However, he also had a penchant for volunteering his help in order to get things back on track, and his strange balance of dicketry and misplaced good intentions had yet to noticeably impact the efficiency of any department as a whole.
Besides making the guards cry. But they weren’t exactly his coworkers.
Discord spoke up on behalf of his ‘friend’, “I think the question we need to ask is, does having him around create a net negative or net positive on the castle?”
Blueblood snorted, more than ready to voice his opinion, but was beaten to the punch by Luna. “While that IS a large part of the review at large, it is a question for later, once all others have been addressed. I believe we can all agree that this is a… mixed answer? Neither a-” and she gave Discord a look here, “-net positive NOR negative?”
Begrudgingly, the table seemed to concede this point.
Luna read the next answer, and cringed. “Oh, boy. Right, Question Four: In your personal opinion, what is this employee’s greatest flaw?”
The rest table paused in silence for exactly half a second before they laughed themselves stupid. Even Celestia had a difficult time maintaining her composure. “How about he’s a giant DICK?!” Blueblood bellowed, between annoyingly loud laughs.
Twilight hadn’t laughed exactly as loud as the rest, but she certainly wasn’t immune to the humor of the situation. “I… I think we can safely put down ‘Annoying Clod’ and move on,” she suggested.
Between the laughter and general agreement, Luna simply sighed, made a note in the same vein, though more politically correct, than ‘Giant Douche’, and moved on. “Alright, Question Fi- Question- Ques- QUESTION FIVE!” she bellowed, in the Royal Canterlot voice. The table hiccuped to a stop, all present turning to Luna with surprise. Celestia merely rolled her eyes and smiled amusingly. “Ahem. Right, Question Five: What would you say is this employee’s greatest strength or contribution?”
This question was met much more seriously. Well, mostly. “He’s funny as hell!” Discord cheered immediately.
The ponies present gave him a variety of disapproving looks. Twilight spoke up next, after a moment. “Um… he actually does have a great work ethic. I mean, logistically I don’t have any complaints. He does his job, does it well, and moves on. If not for… him, he’d be an immaculate professional.”
Luna nodded, “I agree. Although he has little to know duties that relate to me, I find he has little to no difficulty in the tasks set before him.”
“He keeps life interesting,” Celestia said simply. Luna gave her a pointed look. “...what?” she said hesitantly.
“You know the only reason you like him is that he does all the petty, ‘funny’ things you wish you could do,” she grumbled.
Celestia did not argue this point.
“That’s not the only thing she likes about him,” Cadence chided.
“Ex-excuse me?” Princess Celestia stuttered.
“Oh please. I’m the Princess of Love. You think I wouldn’t notice?” Cadence jibbed.
Celesta looked side to side, then made a valiant attempt to hide her head in the table, blushing slightly.
Luna rolled her eyes. “Yes, she has a weakness for these things. There are certain members of the guard she likes to post at her door simply because she finds them… appealing.”
Blueblood looked ready to explode. “You mean the entire reason I’ve been subjected to this unrelenting hell is because you wanted more eye-candy?”
“No,” Celestia said harshly. “I assigned Schadenfreude to you for all the reasons I said when he first arrived. Those are all true. My… appreciation of his posterior has no bearing on his employment. Besides, Luna wouldn’t let me keep him around just for that, anyway.”
Luna nodded. “Also true. She’s lamented to me a few times that such a well-formed posterior was wasted on ‘such a giant ass’.”
Cadence burst out laughing. “Oh… oh god, I hate it. It’s funny, but I hate it, cause I know he’d think it was funny!” she hollered, trying to control her laughter.
Discord wiggled his eyebrows. “Maybe I should have tea with the little bastard after this. You know, have a good long talk with him.”
Celestia glared broadswords at the draconequus. “I will literally Harmonize you into the ground. You and I both know he’d be insufferable.”
The table nodded in agreement, and even Discord had to agree. “True. Also, talking about his butt would be a rather awkward conversation. Again.”
Luna raised an eyebrow, but simply moved on to the last question. Question Six: In the opinion of the employer, is this employee fit to continue working in his position?”
There was a silent exchange of glances as a wealth of information was non-verbally exchanged. Then Blueblood sighed, very heavily. “He’s not going anywhere, is he?”
“Nope,” Princess Celestia noted, taking a sip of tea.
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I agree Schadenfreude is the sort of character the works best in Slice of Life style and Short stories.
While interesting and fun to follow, he is impossible to work as a main character of a larger Narrative.
No more schaden......
I'll be sad to see him go, but he had a heck of a good time
As for the arguments let them kvetch all they want, it's your character and your story.
For myself I would really like to see a story about his relationship with Ditzy. Watching him reign in his natural tendencies would be fun. It would also give you a chance to develop his softer side.
Net neutrality?
Poniest threat ever.
I'm sorry to see this end, but I'm sorrier that you were no longer having fun. For what it's worth, I absolutely loved him.
canadiem.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Wheeze.jpg
Hey, if you don't want to continue the story it's fine. You've done more than enough with him and if it ain't fun to write then why hold it against you?
I will say this little prick has given me some of the best laughs other some rather...dire weeks. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
It is a shame we won't get to see more of a resolution of the thing with Derpy, but I can totally understand being put off a fic by commenters.
I really like Schadenfreude, as a character. If you ever decide to revisit him, I'll happily read more of his stuff.
With that said, I can also understand why you're dropping the story, for now. Overusing a story until it's stale is why I stopped following several other stories, series, and books. Quit while you're ahead, I suppose.
Finally, you may not have a current use for him as a main character, but I would love to include him in my stories as a supporting character. Would that be alright? I can see all sorts of
troublefun he might cause....I'm very sad to see it go, but Schadenfreude was a wonder.
If you don't enjoy it, then there's no reason to keep writing. I can only hope you write him again in the future.
but personally, I had no idea there were arguments, nor any idea what the arguments would even be about.
I wish you the best of luck!
I, for one, had a good laugh the whole way through. Sorry you haven't been having the most fun with him recently, but I completely understand. I've been there.
I must say I'm disappointed, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Best of luck in your future projects, may they be both successful and rewarding. Thanks for the laughs
I loved this story. My only complaint was the people who argued about him being likable, the “haters” if you will. The ones who say they don’t like certain parts that are the keystone of the fic, that has been expressedly stated. It is like the brony haters that specifically go onto pony videos and leave hateful comments on them because they are pony related. To them, I say, “why go on it if you know you hate it?” That is just bullying the creators. I do wish to see more SchadenDerpy though.
Well, that sucks...
Good luck on future stories though.
8454562
That was kind of my point, I was saying that Schaden gets punished for what he does. I don't know about totally justified, but they are his fault.
Well, I'm disappointed that this story has come to an end, but I can understand why. All stories have their lifetime, and when the author is done, the author is done. I wish there was more done eith Derpy
10/10 Great series
I'm sorry that this story no longer brings you the same joy that it brought me. This story brought me a lot of laughs when I desperately needed them, and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. :)
well, that's a bit disappointing, but it's fine, I had fun reading this, I hope we see more of this character some day.
8454539
Absolutely.
It's almost as if by ending the story here, we feel a nagging, constant itch of incompleteness, all the time desiring more that may never come.
Oh dear. Schadenfreude finally broke the fourth wall.
8454688
Why do you think I never bothered to change the inconsistencies with the list?
I think the idea of cutie mark-related employment law protections is really interesting. Good to see they have some balance there.
8454413 Apparently Princess Celestia would be sad to see him go, but would love to watch him leave.
Well, it was good while it lasted. Loved every moment of it, hope you revisit him someday. Specially if to tell us of his relationship with Derpy
Throughout this story, I have fallen in love with this character. I'm glad that you've made your peace with the fact that you don't find it funny anymore, but I truly hope we see him again. If not in his own short story than as a cameo in different one.
How do you pronounce his name anyway?
A good way to wrap up Schaden's stories. I wouldn't mind seeing him again in one-shots (maybe as a cameo that leaves ponies twitching) but I will miss him. But I'm glad you are stopping before you end up hating the character.
And so a story ends due to a massive argument... one that I didn't cause...
I'm clearly losing my touch.
THAT SHALL SOON CHANGE!!! *injects purified 4chan extract directly into his carotid artery!!!!*
This is hilarious, more plz??
8454565 Seriously, these same people probably love NMM despite the fact that she's a whiny little douche who'd willingly plunge the world into darkness because she felt snubbed.
Which means half this fandom almost certainly identifies... little emo pricks all of them.
8454405
I agree with you.
Schaden's ventures into a long fic developed a flame war.
... He must be proud.
However, seeing him 'change' as he meets his possible love interest, and tries to reign in his... tendencies, would in fact provide for excellent one-shots of varying amounts of words in them.
Rest of him, then evaluate how to allow for him to evolve into a full character, as the way he currently stands doesn't allow him to grow as a character.
I would love to see that, as a cutie mark can indeed have a different interpretation than what the pony that owns it believes. (Huh, an ideal plot to involve the CMC's into it, as possible analysts.)
Ah sad to see Schadenfreude character come to a end. But I do hope you pick up his stories again someday in the future.
Thanks for the story. Hope you will write a one shot with him and Derpy in the future.
I am sad to know that this story is being retired. I REALLY loved reading about all of his wacky antics! Not only that he is truly a unique character who was GREAT to read <3
8454844
Sh-ah-den-froy-duh
... I suppose, in one of the weirdest ways possible...
I'm actually rather happy about this ending.
Not that we won't get more Schaden, that's a royal shame-
But think about it. With such an open-ended, workable ending for a character that lives and breathes that side character life, it might be best that instead of his own stories, he be used as a character in a much larger cast, with the spotlight on others. I mean, honestly, imagine if Team Rocket or some other generic villain in a show had a character this interesting! Suddenly, a mediocre show that's barely watchable would hit a near godly status due to his very nature. I guess what I'm trying to say is...
He was never meant to shine in the story's eyes, only ours. To see him bow out, with an ending that clearly states he'll never truly leave the stage....
Fuckin GOLD m'dude.
Epic. Sad to see the end of a longer narrative for the character, but I hope to see him in more one shots in the future.
I would feel sad but if its not fun for you then its not fun for me
8454844
I think he works as a long term character. Just gotta iron the wrinkles out, ignore the comments and retcon the rest. Thanks for sharing him with us ^_^
dang, I'm sad we won't get to see the relationship between Derpy and Schaden grow.
I have really enjoyed this series and hope you continue the character's development in other stories and I am sorry for some people's reaction I try not to criticize people because i am not a good writer and i almost never complete any of my own works
To all the assholes who turned a fun story into a giant argument : Congratulations! You fucking ruined it. Though next time you don't like something because of the content, please realize that just because you don't like it doesn't mean that everyone else shares your view. Just move on and let those who DO like it simply enjoy it. Though this is NOT targeting those who we're criticizing the story because of constructive criticism. That's welcome and understandable. It's those who bash the story on the premise that I have an issue with.
8454893
Not at all. NNM was an evil bitch, Schaden is a douche. The differences between them are the scope of their assholery and how much comeuppance they got for it.
8455749 I find it amazing that thousands of people flock to awful crossovers and utterly lazy HiE crap with plot holes everywhere and dreadful characterization... yet have a problem with this.
8455853
Totally agree with that. Some HiE can be interesting if you put in the time to give good characterization, but otherwise it just comes off as lazy. If done well, they can be quite enjoyable. Though the idea of a cutiemark for being a jerk and using that talent for something constructive is somehow anathema to a lot of people. So would a pony finding out their special talent is murder and using that talent to stop other assassins from killing people be a preferable story to Shaden helping an equestrian official reform and learn to act better for both himself and those he is meant to represents? This is an actual question I have for those who have issue with this story. Should any story about using a bad talent for a good purpose be instantly demonized? Keep in mind this sort of thing was addressed in the show with Trouble shoes.
I need to see what other fics you have now. Also, Schadenfreude wouldn't be a bad character for a long-term fic if he's not the main character. He seems like he'd make for a wonderful side-character who occasionally interacts with the main cast. Maybe something where Blueblood plays an important role? I'm sure you could find plenty of interesting ways to use him, but I understand not continuing this fic. Good luck in your future endeavors