Chapter 6: Employees Only
It should be obvious by now that I really shouldn’t be let anywhere ever without supervision of some kind. Or at least that seems to be the opinion of the masses. But seeing as how I still had a few hours left before my curfew, I deemed that the most prudent use of my time would be given to finding all of the places in the castle that I was absolutely under no circumstances allowed to go near for any reason whatsoever till the end of time amen.
And then find a way in.
High security places don’t interest me. I’m well aware of the shenanigans this country is used to by now; monster attacks, rogue infestations, neighboring conflicts, the usual. And naturally the royal palace was going to have some countermeasures, dangerous artefacts, and generally off-limits areas for the security and well-being of its citizens. I found all of this both interesting and extremely boring.
After all, you can only tamper so far before it becomes a felony, and I had no interest in endangering people. Merely making them cry salty tears of frustration with which to flavor my morning coffee. Not literally though. I tried that once and it’s nowhere near as satisfying as one might assume. It’s also really kind of gross in half-caff.
No, I was more interested in the places that, even though they’re open to the general public, I seem to be generally discouraged from entering, if not outright personally banned. In order to do this, I needed to pull out a copy of The List to make sure I wasn’t already banned from any prospective locations.
It was as I was studying this list that I passed a rather peculiar door. Not peculiar in any way that would make it look anything less or more than the door it was, but more peculiar in that it caught my attention and held it. It was a grand set of double doors, oak, with many adornments and a rather large golden plaque to the side.
[ROYAL CANTERLOT ARCHIVES]
Now, it occurred to me that I was banned in general from public libraries in Canterlot. Then I saw it. A smaller sign, just underneath that one, with what may have been the two most beautiful words I’d ever seen in my life:
[EMPLOYEES ONLY]
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Princesses Twilight and Cadence were walking about the castle, strolling through one of its many great halls, having a rather pointed conversation. “Do you think Blueblood is going to be ok?” Twilight asked.
“Pffft, please. Schadenfreude is beyond a pain in my flank, but he’s legitimately harmless. He’s just really, really annoying. If anything happens to Blueblood it will probably be self-inflicted,” Cadence mused dryly.
Twilight raised a brow. “That doesn’t exactly inspire any kind of confidence.”
The princess of love rolled her eyes. “Look, he may be the most annoying colt on the planet, but deep down he doesn’t actually want to hurt anyone. He has his own rules. He has his own limits. He may find ways around them or push them slightly one way or the other, but overall I think he’s probably the only pony on the planet emotionally equipped to deal with our… cousin,” she looked like the word left a bad taste in her mouth.
The smaller mare laughed slightly into her hoof. “You make it sound like you enjoy Freude’s company more than Blueblood’s.”
“At least Freude is good for a laugh now and then. Now come on, enough about those two. I only have another night here, and you said you had some… reading material stashed away for me in the library?” Cadence raised a knowing eyebrow.
Twilight blushed slightly and smiled. “Yeah, but shhh. Come on,” she added, and lead Cadence down a side hallway, towards the library.
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The scream echoed through the halls as if the architecture itself bellowed in rage. Reverberating down royal halls, it made its way into the audience chamber of the royal sisters.
Celestia’s ears perked as the faint echo of frustration reached her. “Did you hear that>” she asked her sibling.
Luna looked round, as if trying to locate the source. “It sounded like… Twilight!” she added urgently, once she could place a name to the noise.
Just then, a guard ran into the room. “Princess Celestia! Princess Luna! You have to come quick! Twilight’s going to kill him!”
“Who?!” the sisters asked in unison.
“Schadenfreude!” the guard yelled. Judging by his young voice and face, as well as his armor, he was obviously a recruit, thus the panic.
The two sisters looked to each other, and as realization set in, let out a frustrated sigh. “What did he do this time?” Luna asked, as if afraid of the answer.
“I don’t know, I just heard her yelling at him from the library, and-“
Celestia held up a hoof. “Wait, the library? Schadenfreude isn’t allowed into any public library, it’s on the list. And he prides himself on not breaking those rules.”
The guard shook his head. “Not the public library, the Royal Canterlot Archives!”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “But those are employ… yees… only…” she trailed off, sharing a panicked look with her sister.
“TWILIGHT!” they both bellowed, and took off down the hall to keep their newest Princess from committing murder.
A beautifully written and amazing comeback. Welcome back old friend.
oh booo, i wanted to see the outcome.
God I love this story.
And thank horsegod for that.
Whoohoo! Always fantastic to see more of this
Though I agree with chaoticevl; I want to see what happened, too! Or at least the aftermath. 'Nother chapter? Please?
I read the description, and thought "Tia and Schad would get along well, methinks..."
I'll be very pleased if it comes to pass that Cadance must eat her words about Schadenfreude.
It'll please me even more if Twilight actually does something to him. I want to see him in distress for a change. He deserves it. He never did anything to me and still I'm getting annoyed by how much of an a**hole he is and even more by how the princesses bend over backwards to shield him.
Schadenfreude, another enlightened soul who has realized one of the truths of the world: Being a douchebag is an art form. Done right, and all is well. Done wrong, and you are an embarrassment to douchebags everywhere.
Let Schadenfreude's schadenfreude-inducing shenanigans commence!.
Ah, the joy of loopholes! I can't wait to see what he did.
One question: can Schadenfreude drive Discord crazy???? And what happens if Discord reverses his personality like he did to the Elements????
By the glory of Sunbutt, a new chapter! The mania continues!
MOAR!!!!!!!!!
It's just to beautiful to stop....
what schadenfreude thinks whenever he sees a 'do not enter' sign
Aww... I wanted to see what Schadenfreude did. Also, I can only wonder what his cutie mark looks like...
Now for those of you who want to know what he did, connect these two snippets and you'll know what happened.
I am so glad to see an update, I'm thrilled you are back, Daemon McRae.
You know what's my favorite part of this story? Even though Schadenfreude was ostensibly hired by Celestia to terrorize Blueblood, in practice he's indiscriminately annoying and frustrating everyone in the palace, including Celestia herself. I think he's doing this deliberately, to show Celestia he's not some tool she can point at ponies she doesn't like .Hiring Schadenfreude to bother Blueblood and keep him busy looks in retrospect like trying to beat a mouse to death with a rattlesnake, to quote the late great Terry Pratchett.
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It has been stated repeatedly that his mark is a painting... that is tilted slightly to the side.
6373476 I probably didn't notice that. I was too busy giggling at Schaden being Schaden. Do you mind if I call him "Schaden" for short? His full name's a mouthful. I wonder if he can outannoy Pinkie...
1 mix drink with pineapple juice and triple shot of rum.
2 drink most of same.
3 read rules.
4 attempt to refrain from spitting last mouthful of drink on monitor.
5 Search franticly for more of this set of stories. Not found, beg for more
I see.
Interesting.
Dare I ask?
Oh, I'm absolutely loving this. I've missed this level of comedic brilliance despite once being on the receiving end of shenanigans just like this.
I believe the words your looking for luna are "oh god no" or "oh crapbaskets"
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How the heck is he this awesomely, diabolically, insane?!
that?
Oh... oh my sides...