Chapter 12: Schadencord (Technically Part 2 but Also Technically Eat Me)
So, for those of you who are curious, Twilight’s Castle does have a dungeon. However, I find myself in a strange position this time: I’m not the one locked in it.
Twilight is. I think she thinks it’s a panic room. With bars.
Look I don’t know she’s the Princess of Books or something shouldn’t she know this stuff?
“Twilight, you’re overreacting,” Discord says with what sounds like genuine concern. Well, -ish. “All Schadie and I did was say ‘hello.’”
She glares at him from the cot she’s curled up on. “Your version of ‘hello’ was to exchange heads and talk for an hour!”
Dizzy nods emphatically, as if Twilight had endorsed the idea. His mane sways while he does so. “Yes, and it’s been a wondrous conversation! I never knew how exciting catching up with an old friend could be!”
I feel my fang poke my lip when I smile. Takes some getting used to. “I agree. I have missed you, old pal. Although I must admit this antler is mighty awkward. I can’t imagine what kind of cleaner you use.” I scratch the appendage, punctuating the idea.
He waves a paw dismissively. “Oh, you get used to it after the first century or so. Although you do look mighty off-balance. Even for me,” he muses, amused. I think he also wrote that sentence. Maybe.
I shrug, which takes some effort given my neck and back muscles don’t technically align properly anymore. It’s like having the world’s stiffest muscles. Returning my attention to the Princess, I tap the bars curiously. “So why exactly did you feel the need to lock yourself away in prison? You know, for exposition’s sake.”
Discord chuckles, but Twilight ignores him. “Because it’s safer in my panic room until you two get out of your system whatever awful thing it is you’re going to do so I can go topside when your done and fix it!”
“Ok, first off, words hurt, Sparkle,” I deadpan, feigning an emotional wound. “Second. This is not a panic room! Believe me when I say I’ve seen plenty of them. Panic rooms don’t have big gaping holes in the door that make them look like, oh I don’t know, prison bars!”
She looks around, nonplussed. “It’s a work in progress!”
I roll my eyes, which seem to travel in different directions at different speeds. Which is mightily distracting. “Uh, Dizzy? Tag out?”
He nods, scratching an ear with his claw. “Agreed. Your head is mighty boring. No offense.”
“None taken.”
*POOF*
“Oh good, that’s where my sense of balance was,” I muse, taking a moment to regain my bearings. “I don’t think I’d make a very good draconequis.”
“Oh, pushaw,” says the actual draconequis. “Don’t sell yourself short. You’d do fine after the first decade or so!”
I feign a blush, which is much easier with my original face, and wave a bashful hoof. “Oh, you old charmer, you. So, Princess, you’re not coming out?”
“NO!”
I tap my chin, and an idea springs to mind. Which, thirty seconds ago, might have actually made my mind spring out of my head. That would have been extremely… interesting. “Well, Discord, I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”
Dizzy looks at me, surprised. “But we haven’t even tried anything yet! I have a whole bunch of ways we could-”
“Nope. It’s no use. She’s made up her mind. Come on old friend, let’s go help clean up. The party’s been over for a bit now, and we wouldn’t want to be ungrateful,” I say matter-of-factly, turning to leave. I can feel the suspicion coming off of Twilight.
Discord looks ready to protest, until I give him a sideways glance and a wink. Then he cues up. “Why yes, that would be rather shameful of us, to sit here and do nothing while everypony works so hard to clean the castle. Where do you think we should start?”
I tap my chin again. “Oh, I think maybe the library.”
*BAKOOM* The cell door flies across the room as Twilight bursts out of her cell. “SCHADENFREUDE VON DOUCHEHORSE! YOU WILL STAY. OUT. OF MY LIBRARY!”
Discord claps and whistles appreciatively. “Why Princess, I didn’t know you could be so… assertive! I’m all aflutter!”
I turn around slowly, a big smug grin on my face. “You broke your panic room.”
Twilight glares broadswords at me, then looks around at the huge whole in the wall where the door used to be, then at the crumpled mass of door. She takes a deep, ragged breath, and settles down. “Schadenfreude, just… just go clean up. AWAY FROM THE LIBRARY.”
I nod, and start trotting up the stairs. Discord follows me. “...von Douchehorse?”
“My dad was a strange and wonderful stallion.”
I think the only thing more amusing than Discord and Schadenfreude would be getting his father to visit.
There might even be a castle left over afterwards.
VON DOUCHEHORSE !!!!! this is true genus.
Best. Name. Ever.
A glorious name to fit a glorious stallion. I'm so happy I found this story.
8407317
Sadly, Pfft Whatever is dead.
Twilight needs to relax. Away from books. She's gonna get a lotta grey hairs before she turns thirty at her rate.
8407317
Unfortunately he has a case of the not-living.
8407508 There's that. Also, Schaden's very presence will make a lot of ponies get grey manes prematurely.
8407508
Ghosts. Really, really annoying ghosts.
8407656
Actually 'Meh, Whatever' is the chillest ghost that would ever be.
*holds up I ship it sign with Discord and Schadenfreude *
Heh. Love that second half of his name.
(just sits in bliss, giggling like an idiot)
I feel the pain of the mare crazy enough to let him stick his dick enough to procreate.
8407824
Her name was Rose Glasses.
8407487
8407508
That is what he wants you (or more specifically Foal Services and all the alimony lawyers) to believe. He is actually living on the beach in Mexicolt under an assumed name "I Cannot Be Arsed".
8407516
Mayor Mare probably would not mind too much. Certainly would save her a pile of bits in dye.
This is great.
Ouch.
You're.
DraconequUs.
Sure, let's go with that.
This.. More of this. Please
How best to annoy Purple Book Horse: Make her think you're up to something when you really aren't so she follows you around (badly) disguised to foil your nefarious plot. Then leave a muffin in her library and tell Derpy its for her.
This is simply one of the best pieces of literature I have ever read.
8407824
Come to think of it, if Schaden's familial name is any indication (nomen omen and all that) then his sires must have practised some sort of artificial insemination...
Douchenhorse evil incorporated~!
Wait, "Von" Douchehouse?! Does that hint he may be of noble blood? Or is it simply a non-noble use?
8422903
seconded
Oh my gosh.
I just had a wonderful thought.
The reason Twilight's freaking out so badly is because she knows about the loophole.
And the best part is, Schadenfreude doesn't. He just volunteered because he wanted to meet/mess with the other Elements, catch up with Dizzy and because he needed some variety in his life.
And the bester best part is, Twilight tells him about the loophole in a fit of paranoid fury.
Discord: Why, if I was wearing panties, they’d practically be soaked by now.
8994712
His conversation with the CMC made a brief but clear indicator that he knew. If he didn't know about the loophole, he wouldn't have told them he was an art critic because he's not allowed to misrepresent his cutie mark/special talent.
8501195
Thirded
9525820
Fourth...ed?
Welp, this white shirt is ruined. I just sprayed Soda all over it.