Celestia and Luna sensing the broken natural balance that allow the birth of mixed species decide that the best way to deal with the hybrid creatures is to send them to a special camp where they can be monitored and taught to control their gifts; However, one of the royal sisters take it a step further without her sister's consent. The actions cause a chain reaction that throws off the balance of all Equestria causing underground enemies, lies and dirty practices to resurface.
Follow Unity (son of Rarity and Spike) as his life changes and quickly begins to spiral out of control as he tries to claw his way back to happiness through the grime caused by the sins of the past.
Help/Editing:
Brony_Fife
N64fan
Chapters (7)
It is in critical need of editing, and could use some format tweaks. It starts in media res, as is proper but the other issues ruin the effect.
poor twilight...
387035
I agree, im not truly a writer in any form or fashion i just have idea's to share. Im just bad with the technical parts.
Hopefully as i continue to write someone will be interested enough to become editor or i will learn to do alot better.
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I worry about her.
y u keel twilightz? D: i iz so sadz naow Dx i iz gonna goze cry naow.
389126
downt b sad...you know the motto.
S*** happens.
dont break into song xD i will sue you!
*openz pocket*
youd only get a nickle
OK, besides the alarming letter at the beginning, the rest of the writing needs work.
Firstly, if our bad boy Animus is marching on Canterlot "as we speak", why isn't he there, storming into Celestia's castle? Why send the letter at all if he's already there by the time it arrives? Is it because Celestia and Luna are hiding someplace else? If they are, howcome we the readers aren't informed? Why are Celestia and Luna by themselves during this crisis? Shouldn't their guards be there with them? Where are their guards and soldiers? Why are there so many spelling errors? Didn't you get someone to proofread?
Why is MY BEAUTIFUL HEAD FLOATING OFF INTO DEEP SPACE?! WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYY?!
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Ok lets see what i can clear up.
You confusion is understandable alot of it is because its a prologue so there are things that you dont yet know. Some of it, may very well just be bad writing. The spelling errors where ever they are will be fixed, it was an unforeseen side effect of the copying into the Fimfictions little writing widget, chapter one was like that as with entire words missing even though they are clearly on my original draft.
Youve brought it to my attention that a very important line is missing.
****Firstly, if our bad boy Animus is marching on Canterlot "as we speak", why isn't he there, storming into Celestia's castle? Why send the letter at all if he's already there by the time it arrives?****
****Why send the letter at all if he's already there by the time it arrives?****
-Twilight says he marches on canterlot as she writes the letter, a very important line is missing which puts the whole thing into context. Twilight was going to teleport the message to the princesses but animus did it instead. Between Animus sending the letter and Celestia actually receiving it not much time passed so she still has 2 days to prepare as he mentioned.
****Why are Celestia and Luna by themselves during this crisis? Shouldn't their guards be there with them? Where are their guards and soldiers?****
If you think including the guards could enhance the scene in someway id be glad to include them, but honestly they usually stand there like statues and i cant think of a thing to do with them in this scene other then an off hand mention of them being there standing still since what was discussed was between Luna and Celestia (eventually trickling down to the soldiers). Having the throne room full of guards or soldiers just didnt seem right........If you can pitch me an idea on how to include them in the scene im willing.
*****Why are there so many spelling errors? Didn't you get someone to proofread?*****
half me being a mediocre writer, half copy errors.
Sadly no proof readers, the people I actually know are terrible at this stuff (just had a convo with a friend about how phantom and fathom arent the same word), for now its just me and you cant proof reader your own work very well because your mind fills in blanks that another reader would catch. Maybe one of these days my circle will decide that they want to help out, or some happy go lucky reader will enjoy my vision enough to offer his helping hand.
****Why is MY BEAUTIFUL HEAD FLOATING OFF INTO DEEP SPACE?! WHY?! WHY?! WHYYYYY?!****
IDK....*insert event horizon baby bear comment*
If you can pitch me an idea on how to include them in the scene im willing.
All right.
The sky was beginning to run red, as if in complete alarm at Animus' approach. The dread that hung in the air of Canterlot that day felt more like a stench, the smell of dead things that lingered about, forever. The buildings had all blackened in the fading daylight, and from Celestia's height, they might as well have been chess pieces awaiting to be knocked off the board by her calculating enemy.
On her balcony did she stand, that awesome creature known as Celestia. The first alicorn, the Sun-Raiser, the beautiful Goddess of the Sun. Her slender figure and great height accented her godly eyes and mystical hair, which whipped and twirled in the air as if dancing, its colors reminescent of the ocean waves at sunset.
This evening, however, Celestia did not feel majestic. No. In all her righteous majesty, her queenly disguise was beginning to slip. Her guards present with her could see it, but said nothing.
Celestia, their goddess, was beginning to panic.
Celestia read, re-read, and re-re-read the message that she held in her telekinetic grip. She hated this. This feeling of helplessness. It wrapped itself around her, like a cloak, and she wore it as if it were suffocating her. How she wanted to throw it off--but like the unwelcome guest it was, Helplessness clung to her emotions, feeding from her like a parasite.
Helplessness was not an emotion fit for goddesses or for princesses. There was still time, thought Celestia. There was still hope, even with her beloved pupil gone.
Her royal guard, resplendent in their armor and tightly disciplined, stood at attention. With a majestic turn, her wings unfurled, Celestia swept at the air around her. With this one awesome gesture, Helplessness was flung from her back, replaced by Resolve. The guards could see her righteous indignation now, her eyes seethed with it. Something awful happened, they all knew--and Celestia would not stand for this. Any of this.
and so on. Introduce Luna, continue the opening setting. We get a good idea what's going on, we know already where Celestia is, her guards are they as they should be, and so on.
If you feel you could use a hoof in writing, let me know with a PM. I'd be glad to help you.
406216
That is pretty freaking epic. Thanks.
I will use what you have given me, its late right now so ill edit more in the morning
Blah, I still see a bunch of errors I missed! Ah well, it's pretty good as is.
Either I'm high, or someone has beaten me to the editing. I'm sorry to say that I don't like the idea of Equestria at War in general, but it was written pretty well. According to the previous comments, someone has beaten me to editing anyway, so I wish you luck friend!
Goodbye sub chapters!!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING IN THE PICTURE
749488
That is a Kirin, though i am going to change it.
That... memorial... was... awesome... though i'm slightly confused why we dont' have a flutteshy memorial.
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It's Fluttershy, I figured that instead of a big attention drawing memorial she'd rather have her grave at her home with her animals.
Okay, It has been months since the last chapter, good to know its not dead.
I require more chapters.