Texas Hold 'em (And Other Various Adventures) With The Humans of Equestria

by Master Lyra

The Stoned...ness?

GETTING HIGH WITH THE HUMANS OF EQUESTRIA

By Mister Fluttershy

(WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY CAUSE IMPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, GONORRHEA, CRABS, AIDS, BRAIN LOSS, MENTAL RETARDATION, FORCED AMNESIA, AND MOMMA LUIGI)

“Well that was an interesting poker game.”

Everyone in the group sat in a circle in front of the remains of Coal’s house and watched as the remains burned lazily. No one knew where Coal had disappeared to, but the cries of an evil demon lord rang throughout the town.

Kyle held a blunt in his left hand and the cat in his lap.

“Hey, does anyone have a light?”

“Kyle, if you’re going to get baked, go do it somewhere else.”

Josh looked at the blunt with disgust.

Fiery wordlessly (umad Poodicus?) magically lit up Kyle’s doobie, and Kyle grunted as a thanks.

“Hey, by any chance, do you have more?”

“Second? I didn’t think you weren’t the type.”

“I could use some relaxing. Heck, I’ve been going without it forever now.”

“Huh. Yeah I do. Alright, have some.”

[20 MINUTES LATER]

Everyone but Josh, Author, Kyle Bucy and Connor were fried.

Second lazily walked over to Author and leaned on his shoulder.

“Have you ever got the feelin’… you’s was being watched?”

Second then promptly fell on his face.

“Ssssss… ahhhh… ssssss… ahhhh…”

Author just looked at Second. He hadn’t used the drug because he was a kill joy, (and because his mom told him not to) but seeing Second like this only reassured his choice.

“I’m better than drugs!” Author announced confidently.

Kyle Bucy came up from behind Author and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey… this stuff ain’t that great… I have some better stuff…”

“Huh? Nah, I’m not interested.”

“No… it’s a mushroom… you don’t smoke it. It’s only found in Equestria.”

Author thought about it long and hard. (If you know what I mean)

“Hmm… okay! Seems legit!”

[5 MINUTES LATER]

“Dude… nothing’s happening! This sucks!”

Author walks off in the direction of the town, leaving a stoned Kyle Bucy behind. Gravel skirted out under his Sketchers as he dejectedly kicked the ground.

Today sucks! I lose the poker game, and then this thing doesn’t work! Even the floating pink ponies are frowning at me!

[EVERYONE ELSE]

Most the humans sat in a circle, enjoying themselves.

Josh and Connor looked at all of their high friends.

“Hey Connor, I’m curious. Why didn’t you partake-“

“I’m not interested, actually. I don’t need drugs to be happy. I use my own emotions and philosophies to keep myself going. Even on days that seem grim, I just think about the ones I love and that always makes me happy and prepared for each bright and happy day. Even after I found out that the world was gone, I kept myself going. Plus, I think drugs are harmful and are a horrible substitute for an otherwise fulfilling hobby.”

“…”

“Pussy.”

“FIERY!”

Meanwhile, chicken.

“BRAKAWW!”

Thank you chicken for your wonderful insight.

Meanwhile, Second and Fiery were chillaxing together.

“Hey Second… do you ever get the feeling… that you’re the anti-hero?”

“…”

“Second?”

“Doritios.”

“Huh?”

“I. Need. Doritios.”

“O mah god. I need Doritos too.”

Everyone but Kyle and Connor went for a trip to the local 7/11. Josh went because he’s a fat-ass. They’d probably go to Taco Bell, too, but what do I know? I’m just the Narrator. (Jeez I don’t get paid enough for this) GET ME MY BEER!

*ahem*

Well, then Kyle Bucy noticed the giant shadow spider lord demon thingimajigger came right to them.

Author: (If you know what I mean)

EVERYONE: STFU

Author: :okayface:

Connor: Aren’t you supposed to be trippin’ hardcore right now?

Author: Shut up floating banana. You won’t take my muffins!

Derpy: MUFFIN?!

PEOPLE READING: LOLWUT

“SHIT GUISE! WE GOTTA RUN!”

Kyle Bucy ran for his life.

Connor looked everywhere for what he was talking about.

Welp, it didn’t exist. What? Were you expecting a fight scene? No way! No one could fight now! They be stoned as a rock! And Connor doesn’t have amazing abilities like everyone else!

“Hey!”

Shut up. You aren’t supposed to hear me.

“Author, calm down. “

What?

And then it hit Author that he was a person again. He had been walking back to the group without realizing it.

“Oh.”

“You’re welcome.”

[COAL]

As Coal took a mighty swing at the hellspawn’s arm, he had a fleeting thought.

I wonder what’s for dinner-

No, that wasn’t it.

I wonder what Applejack and RD are doing right now. If they’re banging that’s be so hot-

Not that either. Hmm… ah, I know!

I wonder what productive things the gang is doing?

[EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY]

“Sweet mother of Jesus god! This Doritos taco is bucking delicious!”

“i no rite?”

[COAL ]

…
No, they’re not doing anything productive. That I know.

[EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY]

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

“SO MUCH SLURPEE!”

[COAL]

Hmm…

Maybe they’re getting food?

[EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY]

“TO THE STRIP CLUB!”

[COAL]

Nah, they probably got high again.

[CONNOR BUT CONNOR AND KYLE BUCY BUT AND KYLE BUCY DOLPHIN BUT CONNOR AND AUTHOR]

lol wtf

DEAL WITH IT!

Anyway, Connor and a tripping Author-

“OW!”

-caught up to the fleeing Kyle, calmed him down (by way of baseball bat) and dragged his body to a bush to make sure no one would find his knocked out self.

“Wait, I’d never do that!”

Too bad Connor. Too bad.

They then proceeded to go to a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop together, and professed their love, and had sweet sweet se-

“No.”

And then time re-winded, and they just went to a Burger King and ate to their heart’s content.

And when everyone had long ago returned to their own home, long into the night, a lone figure dropped to the ground, a monster in his wake.

“Hey guys…”

…

“Did I miss something?”

…

“…fuck.”

THE END

The author would like to say he would have written more made this quicker, but 60s Spiderman showed up and we had a “we don’t give a fuck” party.

Comments

[Master Lyra]

To Poodicus:
blog.wtfconcept.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/wario-troll-face.jpg
That is all.

[Master Lyra]

983391

[Jack Ass Knife]

Author? I hardly know her.

[DannyJ]

...It impresses me that I was able to read this all the way through and still not have any idea what's going on in it.

[Delicious]

983506

I had a basic idea of what was going on at the ending, but the ending half lost me.

[Master Lyra]

983506
983578
What did you expect from a chapter where everyone gets high as a kite?

[Master Lyra]

983499
Your comments always confuse me.

[Delicious]

983953

I expected the Flying Spanish Walrus Brigade, but I guess what actually happened was fine too.

[Jack Ass Knife]

983958 Captain, the French are about to kick my ass.

[Poodicus]

983233

First off, don't care. Why? Because I like you that's why. When I asked if you hated me, I was joking simply because of the fact of what happened to my character in the last chapter. Silly.

Second off. I fully endorse us going to a strip club. TO THE STRIP CLUB!

[Master Lyra]

984466
I like you too.
meme.aurielle.cz/faces/bean-if-you-know-what-i-mean.jpg
No homo.
Or yolo.
Or bozo.

[Kyle C]

loved it

[Master Lyra]

989671
Wonderful insight there, Kyle.

[Crusadin]

Talk is cheap... or in this case words is cheap. So:

[Lolzbolz]

sadly, this is the only place i can read about coals adventures anymore

[Master Lyra]

1002222
Not true. Check out Coal's page, it has links to the original chapters. I guess if you mean exploits in the future, then yes. This is the only place. The side story to it was cancelled.

[Blue Streak]

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[Stoob Boots]

Good.

[Tailslover13]

You are totally insane, as always. Congratulations. *handshakes*

[Master Lyra]

1706016
Hey, people actually care about this story! yay

[Master Lyra]

1706016
Lord, this shit storm... I had to use ctrl + f to find your post under the large quantities of hate notifications I'm getting.
Honestly, I just want shit to go back to the way it was... no one caring about each other, shit not going down every five seconds, not getting another person who hates me every five minutes... ugh...

[Tailslover13]

1725977 Wait, what are you talking about exactly? What's going on? I was simply gone for six months, and while this story was totally insane, creepy, and very weird, I was always honored for you to use Josh in it. So, since you updated it since I last came on six months ago, I wanted to read it and tell you again thanks for using him. I have no idea what's going on with hate stuff and whatnot. Are you alright?

[Master Lyra]

1726044
This, this, this, this, and this.
That's all I need to say. There's no shitstorm on here per se, but pretty much everywhere else.

[Tailslover13]

1726082 When you deal with controversial stuff, that's what usually happens.

[Master Lyra]

1726191
Yup... *le sigh*

[Insidiaphilia]

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