Having qualified for the Aerial Relay event, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Bulk Biceps and their friends travel to the Crystal Empire to participate in the Equestria Games alongside four other teams. Honour, glory and gold are at stake as the ponies prepare to take up their positions. But after Rainbow Dash accidentally bumps into an old acquaintance before the performance, strange things begin to happen.
What unseen trials will the trio of teammates face on the event grounds and skies? Which threatening series of events will occur involving the audience and Rainbow's friends? And what was that barely-discernible streak of brown high up in the clouds? Most importantly, what is the ultimate motive behind these seemingly unrelated incidents?
Originally written before the airing of "Equestria Games." Beautiful artwork by SynCallio.
Inspired by Flight of the Pegasi and Under Your Wings, both composed by Chris Wöhrer.
Pre-read by HiddenUnderACouch, MissingLink, AbstractThought, NightWolf289, and Ausbrony.
Edited by MissingLink and NightWolf289.
Featured on:
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Canterlot's Finest.
This story is 100% approved by Twilight's Library!
Approved by Nonpareil Fiction!
How are there two teams from Ponyville? Also, your italics are inconsistent in the flashback.
3917039
Thanks for the catch, dude! Fixed.
Also, look at the cover art, it's a direct screenshot from the show with more Ponyville ponies. I couldn't very well just have them not participate?
Edit: after negotiations with another reader who had the same issue, the team has been altered to represent Fillydelphia.
3917054 im late but im here! i love stories based off the show!!
uuuu neat
Might mean it wasn't
I take it Gilda will be appearing in this story?
3917126
Ta, man
Hope you're enjoying it!
3917130
Show format means possible elements of show "predictability".
That said, read and discover, friend....
Yes!
It could work. Keyword being could.
It's nice, but could be polished up a little more, I like the episodic flow, (and it's exactly as predictable as one! which is good, btw) but one thing that gets me is the whole 'linking a picture' as the pony's name so as to conveniently not have to describe them. If your fic were on paper, you'd have to take care to adjust your intro paragraphs to describe the ponies, but that's just a personal thing. I like descriptions. I like to read and be able to picture the looks myself, because your story succeeds if I can create your characters in my mind's eye. Here, I found myself clicking every other name to see what they looked like, which detracts from the overall read for me.
The links aren't bad, per se, but they do distract me and personally feel like a "cop-out" to having to needlessly write more words. I don't know. Just a thing that irks me about heavily-linked stories. It's like:
"I wanna write but use characters without spending a paragraph talking about their manes and shit like that" and the only real way I see that working is picking characters that EVERYONE knows. A good story doesn't need links, it only needs a pair of eyes to read it, but that's just what I think.
Other than that one little peeve, I liked. Will be watching for the rest
3917224
Ah, I was totally going for the "avoid a tonne of description because no-one likes an infodump" thing there. Sorry it didn't work for you personally, though. Also, I find if you right-click the images and open up in new tabs, it breaks immersion far less.
Ah... about that. Your comment only just made me realise I had it as incomplete. It is actually complete.
Thanks for your attention!
3917252
Okay then, I won't be waiting!
But yeah, infodumps usually are like, dumping a whole paragraph on us for each pony. While I agree that that would be ridiculous, a small sentence maybe would help just as well as the links, nothing big. I dunno. Just offering ideas.
I never really like stories that link content just as a personal rule of thumb, because a lot of times, if they skip one scene or important factor by just linking a picture, they sometimes get carried away and make it habit.
I've seen that in some authors' story lists. Not just one or two, but all of the descriptions replaced by links.
Uhhh...yeah...thing is...I'm pretty sure each town can only have ONE team representing them per event.
Also, the italics in the flashback are STILL broken.
3918328
Now how in the heck did I miss those again? Thanks for pointing it out.
Now, about Ponyville "A" and "B": As I said to 3917039, I'm going by the scene in the show where there are five teams shown having qualified. I would feel amiss not including them. This was an attempt at a "canon-as-possible potential episode."
On that note, I'm aware that Cloud Kicker's team is probably more than likely another Cloudsdale team, but then I'd have someone complaining that Cloudsdale had two teams instead of Ponyville. If this is the case, where could Cloud Kicker, or even Spectrum's team possibly be from, since we've seen Dizzy Twister around Ponyville before in the show?
There was nothing really I could do about that except cut them out entirely, and I refuse to do that. But thank you for the comment, I hope it doesn't ruin the story for you.
Again, edit: Second team has been altered to represent Fillydelphia.
3918355 I dunno, you could maybe make them the Fillydelphia team or something, since background ponies are spammed recklessly and fecklessly all over Equestria, and even Time Turner showed up as a pegasus in Cloudsdale once?
Seriously, fix it. It's a MAJOR PROBLEM with the story that could be fixed with a one word change.
3918364
Well, you do raise a valid point. I guess I'll just have to hope that no-one else goes Ermegerd Derzy lerves ern Perneverl yer sterpid instead.
Heh, alright, let's see how we go then!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sorry, PTSD over the 497 mentions of apple brown betties in that episode.
But...what about Tibbles? Is Tibbles not with Luna?
Don't do this. Seriously, DO NOT do this. It's REALLY offensive.
3918787
My Chinese pre-reader didn't seem to think so. He laughed, as I recall.
But sure, if it offends you, I'll remove it.
Also, who is Tibbles?
3918836 - Tibbles is short for Tiberius, Luna's pet she acquired in her issue of the comic series. It's some sort of sugar-glider-thing.
But I'm glad to read the end of this fic, I only got to pre-read the first five chapters. And I liked it!
3918836 Tibbles is Luna's pet possum, seen in the microseries comic issue #10.
(Sorry about that last PM. For some reason, I'm not getting notifications for comment replies at the moment...
)
3918911
3918906
Um... well... you see, about that...
AHHH
I HAVEN'T READ THE COMICS! I DON'T KNOW!
Plz no h8?
3918931 It's okay, Tibbles is relatively obscure at the moment. Issue 10 hasn't even been OUT that long, after all.
3918931 - S'all good. But the Luna one is great. Here's the image for the one I have.
3918949
Because emotes don't do that cover justice.
Hah... Derpy as corner mare and waterfilly... Love it! Nice touch!
Sneaky... Dragon illusions?
Done! You've earned an upvote--this is really good!
/)
3926459
Cheers for the read, glad you liked it
3929664
If it would be anypony, it'd be Pinkie
3918787
Tibbles is best pet, literally. I loved that comic. It did a better job in 26 pages with Luna's character than the entire show did . . . ever.
Hi, Cerulean Voice. I’m Kierkegaard, and I’m commenting here today to review your story The Equestria Games: Flight of the Pegasi on behalf of WRITE. Let’s get started straight away.
You mentioned that you were trying, with Flight of the Pegasi, to write a fic that followed a sort of show-episode format. I also read, in one of your blogs, that you had been expecting this fic to be better received than it was. I think these issues are related. I believe you did, if anything, too good a job at following the show, in certain respects. Some of the things that usually work in the show, which you tried to convey in your story, did not translate so well to text in my opinion. The other major reason I suspect your story did not do so well lies in the way your sense descriptions left a lot to be desired. Aside from these things, I thought you did a lot well, especially with pacing, and your character dialogue was basically spot-on throughout. Kudos.
Let me first elaborate on my issues with your sense descriptions, since I suspect you may be confused by my complaining about them. I will quote first from the opening of your story, and highlight in pink the parts that I think engage the senses at least somewhat.
Note what the reader gets here. Nothing sensual in the first paragraph, and only one sensual detail in the second. If sensual impressions are what draw readers into a story and allow them to really imagine themselves in the scene, then there’s precious little so far to keep readers going or draw them in. In fact, what you have in the second paragraph is actually a bit of an expodump, which, while sometimes necessary for a story, usually requires effort of the reader and hence should be given only after giving the reader at least a bit of incentive to keep chugging along.
Notice what else happens. We get more sense details about Bulk Biceps than about anything else so far. This tends to give the odd impression that he is more important to the scene than, say, Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash.
In the next paragraphs you pick things up a bit, but I think you don’t go far enough. You have one good sentence describing Shining Armor nestled inside his dialogue. After that, you describe the five different teams, but this is a bit tedious, as you describe them mostly by color, which is fairly inconsequential in the scheme of things. In the show, a pony’s color would be obvious and no effort would be required to show it. But in text, when describing characters, it is best to stick to details that convey distinct personality traits. This makes things more memorable and also conveys useful information about the characters instead of mere surface details. Going through the gauntlet of green and blue, lemon and mauve, becomes a completely unmemorable blur of useless descriptions that neither entertain nor inform.
Here is another point. In this sequence of describing the five teams, the show would have done it much as you have done it, I think. But in looking at each team in turn, there would be a sort of visual gag or some little joke that would serve the purpose of helping the viewer remember and distinguish the different teams. Or else, if the differences between the teams were not very significant to the story, they would be rushed over in one visual “paragraph” as it were and more important things would take up more visual “words”. Well, you certainly did not rush over these teams, so I suppose you thought that there were no more important details you could have been conveying instead. But neither did you include any kind of memorable little gags, except for the bit where Bulk Biceps says his signature line. (But even that is problematic, as I will discuss in a moment.) The effect is that this part of the story really does just feel like going through the obligatory, uninspired motions. Thankfully, you kept your chapters short, so the damage is not as great as it might have been.
Here is the first paragraph of another scene, this time from the second chapter.
This is pretty much all we get to set the scene. This is very minimal and only barely gives us enough to avoid the “floating heads” syndrome. Notice that even the details you give here are pretty devoid of connotations. You tell us how all these ponies are seated as if they had nothing more interesting or important to do than sit. I cannot even see what they are sitting on, or tell whether they are comfortable. Not that you necessarily need to convey that information, but the point is that you have not even succeeded at giving a fully developed description of the scene in its spacial details. Much less have you tried to convey any kind of character information by, say, mentioning how X is slouching and munching popcorn, or how Y is sitting stiffly and looking back and forth nervously as if feeling out of place. These are just examples of things you might have done but did not. I expect that the lack of such attention to giving the most interesting and useful and memorable details is a large part of why your story has not connected as much as you perhaps expected it to.
With that said, I will move on from descriptions and try to address some other points. The first thing I want to point out is that in trying to stay close to a show-episode style of storytelling, I think you have committed some mistakes.
First among these is recycling jokes and other stuff from the show. The thing about the show is that its best and most entertaining episodes are those that invent new things and explore new ideas, and its funniest jokes are those that are unexpected. A show that becomes predictably self-referential gets stale quickly.
Perhaps you can see how leaning on old gags and other things taken straight from the show is a problem. I am referring to Bulk Biceps and his “Yeah!” as I mentioned above, as well as whatever other jokes you have lifted from the show but not only these things—I am also referring in a way to your odd choice to include Lightning Dust and Gilda as villains. Let me be clear that I do not expect you to change your choice of villain characters merely on my say-so. But there is no reason at all to prefer an old character to a new one just because you are trying to write a show-style fic. The show introduces new characters all the time; why shouldn’t you? It is also not at all clear from the canon that Lightning Dust and Gilda really are the kind of characters who would plausibly go on to do the villainous things that you have shown them doing, so I get something of a sense that you may have forced them a bit into your needed villain mold.
Another issue with some of your jokes is that you do not let them alone, but you implicitly point them out, and this ruins the effect. Here is an example:
That little blurb there at the end—Convinced that her explanation was adequate—ruins the impact of the joke. It is like taking a big red foam finger and pointing to the joke with it while screaming, “Hey! That’s a joke! You should laugh because it is funny!” I am not sure that I can explain just why this is. All I can suggest is for you to read the line both with and without the giant glowing neon J-O-K-E sign, and decide which version you think is funnier. If you cannot see what I mean then I do not think I can communicate it to you.
Some examples of jokes that I liked were the Pinkie joke where she grabs the light bulb for later use, or, well, the joke about carrots I just mentioned was actually pretty funny, if you leave out the part that ruins it.
I had some issues with some of the plot events that I thought were either stupid or pointless. But the plot issues, in my opinion, do not impact the enjoyability of the story too much, so I think they are tolerable overall.
I liked that you weaved a subplot in to explain a point of the main plot and that they tied together only at the end of the story, so that it was not obvious what was going on. I speak of course of the subplot of Carrot Top’s stolen cart. Overall I did not think that this subplot was well-developed enough in its own right, but then I remembered just how short this whole story actually is, so I guess I cannot complain.
I also thought it was clever of you to have “surprises” in the competition. Those were well-placed to spice things up not only for the competitors but for the readers as well. However, I thought that the point about rings attached to heart rate monitors was exceedingly dumb. Really eye-rollingly dumb. I swallowed that point and moved on.
You could have done a better job managing the tension in the racing scenes. What you did was to set up the surprise, then immediately deflate any tension the reader might be experiencing by telling us outright that the dangers are merely illusions. Only after this do you move on and finish the scene. The effect is to completely remove any sense of actual danger or anxiety that the reader might be experiencing. You basically put all of the reader’s possible worries into the mouths of the ponies in the Princess box so that you can resolve them all as quickly as possible. This seems silly to me. When you have a scene that might create tension, you should hold on to that tension, and let the reader sweat it out for a bit. That way, the eventual resolution of the tension will come as a relief and a reward.
I thought the climax was well done overall, though I was immediately tipped off to how the story would end when you mentioned Rainbow grabbing her second part of the cloud and how it turned blue to match her coat. I do feel that attempted murder being committed by someone other than an ancient evil god or someone similar is a bit harsh for a show-style fic.
Finally, a small complaint. I did not understand the point of this detail: “Fluttershy politely waved to the audience, her new, shorter-styled mane now failing to cover half of her face as it used to.” Her personality as you depicted it in the story was not so different, as far as I could tell, from her personality in the show. Why would you gratuitously give her a new manestyle? In the show’s visual language, visual traits are used to reflect personality traits. Gilda, for instance, has “eyeshadow” and “lipstick” to show her vanity and concern for “coolness”; Fluttershy’s long hair is feminine and natural, and she hides behind it. I see no reason to change this and I worry that you may strike readers as taking unwarranted liberties with a canon character.
I think that I will wrap things up there. I hope you have found my thoughts helpful, and I wish you good luck with your future writing endeavors.
Kierkegaard, WRITE’s Christian Brutal Existentialist
4024951
Thank you for this amazing review, Keiky
This is why I subbed the story to WRITE in the first place.
First, I'd like to clarify why I have done some things, then I will let you know which of your suggestions I may/will take on board in future:
Oh, did I make it seem like they were out to kill? I'm sorry
I thought that Cloud Kicker and Rainbow Swoop being just unconscious was enough of a tipoff that Lightning Dust had her blasters set to stun.
I direct your attention here, to a section of chapter four that you appear to have overlooked:
It wasn't simply a style choice, but a practical one. I figured that Fluttershy having as long a mane as she does would naturally generate a lot of drag, theoretically preventing her from performing at her peak. Rainbow consequently decides that it would benefit the team for her to get a mane cut.
Now for things I will be taking on board:
Totally see what you mean here. Perhaps I thought they were inconsequential details. I've never been a fan of writing things that don't drive the plot in any way. I feel like adding too many details, especially to a short story, slows down the pace too much. This ties in with what you said about me being overly-descriptive with my first chapter (or at least the wrong kind of descriptive).
Yes. This actually went through my head as well while I was writing it. The problem is (this will sound silly coming from a writer) that I really don't have a great imagination. I honestly don't know what other sort of visual gags/quips I could create, because I'm shocking at creating things. This will also tie in your point about Gilda and LD being painted into the villain mold a little too forcefully. I simply didn't believe that I could actually create a character, because I would then have to create a backstory, an attitude, a motive and all the other small-yet-essential things. I just lack in this area especially.
Oh, I definitely see it now. Bad Adren, bad! This is something I tell other people off for, now I feel embarrassed
I'll fix that immediately.
Sorry you feel that way, my pre-readers and I all thought it was a great, original idea. Moving on.
Yes, you're totally right. I can't believe I never realised I'd done exactly that. I might fix it sometime soon, I might not. It wasn't an issue for a select group of people, though.
)
(Edit: I did actually fix this issue
Welp, I think that covers everything. Thanks again for your extensive critique, I hope I've clarified enough about some things to you. I'll use your advice in future for sure.
Edit: here are some things I've already altered
Are these the sort of details you were talking about?
Note to self: Read the entire chapter before making the art. There's a few details I missed in the drawing, like the flight suits.
Excellent work on the chapter though. I'm eager to see what happens between RD and Lightning.
Also, I kind of made the drawing to be placed at the top of page. You mind moving it there?
4028691
Sorry for the late response, heh. My excuse is that I have permanently left fimfiction.
I do like those changes, yes. Quite a lot, in fact.
I am glad that you found my review useful, and I hope that the rest of your revisions go smoothly.
>“I hope you’re right, Princess….” Twilight
These. You have several cases of ellipses mistakes. Three dots mate. Plz to be fixing asap.
4089057
Heh, my editor told me when someone trails off, there's no extra dialogue or its the end of a scene, it needs four. Ah, guess I'll go back and fix them.
If that's all you've pulled me up on, I'm a pretty happy little vegemite
I do hope you're enjoying the story.
Edit: Issue resolved, explanation adequate. Ellipses reverted to the three-dot kind.
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors.
Grammar Score: 9.
Pros:
1. It was very like what would happen in a canon episode.
2. It was enjoyable, especially in seeing Fluttershy fly past her limits.
3. Carrot Top is Applejack's friend instead of a foe for once.
Cons:
1. There is nothing here to complain about. Fix this!
(I was joking, btw.
)
Notes:
1. I have nothing.
Hope you will enjoy this review.
Lightning Dust is too fidgety. We're talking 1/4 Fluttershy fidgety with a dash of Coco Pommel. Something's up.
Okaaaay, someone really important is missing from that VIP box. Surely the ponies couldn't possibly be negligent enough to forget the guy who helped save the Crystal Empire. And surely Twilight would never fail so epically that she doesn't bring her closest, most dedicated friend to such a big event where literally his whole damn family is! These ponies couldn't possibly be that despicable!
Ah, there'e is.
Oh come on, those asses know what he meant.
Neat trick with the rings. The least athletic has the best chance of succeeding.
The dragon was a poorly-conceived idea for more reasons than what was addressed. The competitors were all convinced that they were facing a killing machine, yet they still felt went through their rings. How does anyone expect them to give a crap about the game when they think their lives are in peril? And what sort of credit does Spitfire get toward winning after she lost time distracting the dragon, not to mention the griffons' discredit for 86-ing?
This one didn't make a ton of sense.
I'm not so sure the Griffon Kingdom team should be allowed to just fly off feeling ashamed, or that the game's rules should be the only thing preventing them from a win. The events of the relay should've been placed under investigation!
Tying a mystery into the competition was a cool idea, but it failed to make things much more exciting, with scarcely any twists or surprising developments. It also would've been nice if Spike and Rarity'd had more to contribute to the story's outcome.
Not excellent, but a good story nonetheless.
4104308
Ah, just the reaction I was going for. That kind of "show-predictable."
4104353
As if I'd leave everyone's favourite purple dragon out of something important like this. Pfft.
4104402
Was a nice twist, wasn't it? Kierkegaard didn't seem to like it, but I thought it added something unusual, something different.
4104433
Hmmm... that area could use some kind of improvement. Perhaps I could have written in a short piece commending them, like a special prize from the princesses for their bravery.
4104629
Ah crap, that reminds me: I did actually mean to put in a piece of dialogue from Harshwhinny stating that there would be an inquiry, backed up in Rainbow's diary entry. I'll get to putting that in at some point.
Thanks a bunch for your comments, I'm glad you did enjoy the story somewhat and kept the patience to see it through to the end.
4108782 Indeed. I definitely think you accomplished what you set out to do in writing something that feels exactly like the show.
The heartbeat thing is very unfair. How fast your heart beats depends as much on personal factors and condition as how hard you're trying. With such a big advantage to the unathletic, this is not a fair way of judging who are the best athletes.
There are so many things that are wrong with this race, but it can be summed up by the fact that Fluttershy and Snowflake were faster than Soarin and Fleetfoot. That just should not happen, ever.
Here. Have one of these:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
~Twi
4142345
Thank you very much, Twi.
Would you be willing if this story were adapted as an audio play, or even a fan animation? To elaborate, I'll be talking about the confirmed role of the Equestria Games in the show, so if you want to avoid any information about it, please note that this is a spoiler-filled comment.
From what we know about the Equestria Games episode, it will be focused mainly on Spike and his role in the opening ceremony. Odds are this means we won't be getting an episode about the games themselves. I know people are really holding out for the season finale to fix that, but I'm more convinced it'll be about the keys and chest; I have no clue how they'd tie in the games with that.
While this would be, for lack of a kinder phrase, a big bummer, what matters is that you have written such a well-crafted, insta-fave story that I'd readily accept as canon if not for a few points (namely RD actually joinging the Wonderbolts in the end). With some tweaking, this could easily fit into the show's canon. I guess it really all boils down to how the games play out in the show. Until then...
4163384
Certainly, if anyone were inspired to generate some other form of fan content based on this story, there's no greater compliment I could receive.
Wow, absolutely I'd be willing for that to happen!
Heh, I actually didn't know anything about the games episode in particular, but that's interesting in itself. Spike's role in the opening ceremony, huh? I wonder if he would actually wave the flag to begin any events.
I certainly did my best to make this feel like it could be canon, and I'm glad you think so too