On the bus ride back from Seaddle to their small hometown near Equestria's famous city of Canterlot, a group of friends find themselves accompanied by no other than Twilight Sparkle and her friends, who happen to live in another small town near there. The two groups decided to travel together to down the costs and to maybe enjoy some other scenic marvels along the way back home.
Soon, however, the bus breaks down on the way back. In a wicked turn of events, the ponies find themselves being terrorized by a local area cult, with a name that translates to "the Polite Kidney Beans". With "the Beans" hot on their tails, these ponies find themselves losing friends left and right to the cult members' attacks. Who really knows if they'll ever make it home alive?
Slight OCxRarity
Lookin' like I am gonna be your first read. Mighty interesting plot you got cookin' up here. I have to say that I still have a lot of readin' to do though, pardner!
3153116 Take your time! I know it might be long, but bear with us. I just want to hear honest thoughts to make our series better.
I haven't read it, but might I give you some suggestions to make your story more noticed? For one, it looks like you posted your entire story over the course of two days. Even if you had it all the way finished, you should span it over a longer period of time with regular updates to get more views and not overwhelm potential readers.
Also, maybe you should consider putting a summary in the summary box? One that draws the eye, rather than telling us what it is. "This story is about..." are not the type of summaries you want to put here on FiMfiction. There's a lot of stories with a similar premise, and unless you make this one stand out from the rest it won't get many views, whether or not the writing's any good.
Thirdly, the chapters do look a little short, but I won't say anything until I actually read it. I'm not sure if I'm interested or not, but I'll try to help you out some more.
Though, a glance over the first chapter proves that you and your friends' writing isn't bad at all. However, it's not something I would normally read. I'll see if I can get through it and give you some more tips, though.
(Don't forget to look for more groups to post your story in. As many as you can fit in, do it.)
At the moment, though, I hope my advice helps you for future endeavors.
3191578 Thanks for your input. I'll take your words into consideration and redo the summary and span out the future installments. If you can think of anything else in the future, please let us know.
Is it wrong I read this as The Potato Chronicles at first glance?
3200220
Lol. Not at all actually.
Poor Jeb
The beginning is quite good! I am being overwhelmed by the amount of text though, try spreading it out over a longer period of time, that way the story is on the Recent updates file for a longer period of time. Will keep reading tomorrow though!
3962614 Yeah, I realized this so I made sure with my newer stories to span out the chapters. Let me know what you think! I love feedback!
4029404 Thank you so much for review of the first chapter.
I looked over at what you said, and I will work on fixing and reworking it. To be honest, I had troubles with the introduction as I couldn't seem to make it sound interesting enough.
For the tags for the story, the cult isn't really all that evil, but they do have some dark motives that involve the characters and what they do to some. Would that be considered a 'Dark' tag?
You can continue with the story if you would like, but I think I understand what I can do to improve it by your review so far. The plot may seem really random with no sense of direction, but it does get more serious as it goes on. It does for later stories anyway.
Thanks for the advice.
Why are Cylde's friends talking like Deadpool?
4498904 Are you talking about the overload of drugs/cussing?
It's just the way they are, unfortunately. Most of the characters are based off certain people I know so the story could have more meaning to us as a group of friends. They're the only ones to really cuss and reference drugs throughout it so it's not like the M6 and everyone else does it.
I'm surprised I got a comment on this story. I'm glad some people are still checking out my first fic.
Well, other than some grammar problems and more than a little OOCness on Spike's part, this was a fantastic story. Hell, even the OOC Spike can be forgiven to some degree, since drugs can really fuck with your head if you have too many. I can't believe it's taken me as along as it has to read this, but I'm glad I finally got round to it. I'll be checking out the sequels pretty damn soon (plus your stories set in the Equestria Girls universe, which I am very much looking forward to reading).
Rating:
Three Pinkies out of five!
6531582 Wow. I honestly never expected anyone to read these anymore. Plus, I'm really surprised and happy someone actually liked it!
This series was my first stories on here, and I believe I improved as each one was made. My friends and I never really wanted to make a serious story, but we came up with this idea of the Poncho Chronicles and yeah...
Thanks for reading and commenting and I hope you stick around to read my EG stories. Those are personally my best stories, I would say.
Thanks again! :)
Wow, what amazing friends