With the arrival of a newcomer in town, whose uncommon special talent may allow him to help some of Ponyville's... questionably stable residents. And he just might find something for himself in the process.
This is written in 1st person and begins on the 3rd ep of the season 1 of MLP FIM.
Thanks to Gutovi-kun and Mu10 for proofreading it.
Page generated in 0.099 seconds
Total duration
952 users online
220,038 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I'd like to see where this is going! It's been pretty nice and casual so far, which is nice!
3862409 thanks
3862416 Enjoyable thus far. Needs a tad bit of work though. I left some suggestions in my reply to the PM you sent me.
3862505 i know thank you.
3862561 Happy to help
You've welcome!
3867862 ok thanks
3867862 does it look better now?
first thing i notice is that the majority of sentences seem to start with “I verb something something” or subject verb blah blah blah”. it gets really repeative, really fast. mix up your sentence structure. like, instead of “I got up from my seat…” try “stretching my stiff and tired limbs, I got up from my seat and looked back at the little colt.” or “Wincing a little as my stiff limbs protested moving after having sat still for so long, I got up and stretched as much as the tiny train compartment would allow.”
can we get description on the little colt?
also, instead of just telling us right away youre on a train, how about showing us? like, is it a nice train? what do you feel, what do you see, how does it smell, etc. for more on writing good descriptionm, i recommend you study the phrase “show don’t tell”. for an article on the subject, try this: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/
ok, why are you in ponyville? i guess because its nice and quiet? where are you coming from? what was it like in comparison? why did you leave?
we should be told waaaaay before the end of the chapter that its late afternoon. the goal is to help the reader picture the scene as it’s happening. to do that we need details like setting and time of day. also, is it the characters first time in ponyville? then everything should be new and unfamiliar, so how was he able to find town hall right away? the audience knows what ponyville is like, but the char doesnt.
really, only one place for sale? in the whole town? even if it’s true, i think the character shouldnt be quite so believing of it...and its just as believable that the front desk mare, especially in a small town, wouldnt know of a hotel.
also, we know from the show that baby dragons are pretty rare, maybe the character should have have a slightly bigger reaction to seeing one casually riding a pony?
4205943 anything else
4205954 he is not startled easily.
why is the door open to sugar cube corner if they arent actually open for business?
the little hint at his past is actually quite well done. the dialogue isn't too bad. its a nice little taste that makes the viewer a little more curious.
4206001 thanks
how the hell does this guy have the money for a huge house like the one described? also, describe the house! and not just in dialogue…
also, i think you might wanna check your math on how many bits it takes to pay for stuff. in todays money its about $50,000 - 75,000 for the kind of house you're describing and only about 3$ for a muffin. you have the house at being obtainable for 3500 and a muffin for 15 bits. even without knowing the exchange rate for bits, that seems a little ridiculous. i suggest either making the muffin a lot cheaper or the house a lot more expensive.
“my counseling room” wait, whut? can you introduce this a bit earlier, his intention to open up some kind of counseling business? THAT is actually something i’d like to know more about...
in general i think what the fic needs the most is some detailed description. something to help the reader get into the moment and feel what the character is feeling, see what he’s seeing, etc. see earlier comment about 'show don't tell'.
also, we know next to nothing about this character’s attributes, his motivations, his personality. all we know is that he has a little bit of a sad past involving his parents, a liking for small quiet towns, and a lot of money to throw around on big houses.
also, it feels far too convenient that this male character is just going to start out by meeting the mane 6 and getting on good terms with them. i mean, pinkie is pretty believable, as she does take it upon herself to meet every new pony who comes to town. but all of them at once? seems a little greedy XP
4206007 ok thank you