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Sunset Shimmer is having a bad night. She turned into a demon, was forcefully turned back, and now has to deal with all the people she's wronged in the past. As luck would have it, it seems her demon self isn't done with her either.
Can the power of friendship overcome this maniacal creature, or is Sunset Shimmer doomed to bring death and destruction to everyone she meets?
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Easily one of the better Sunset Shimmer fanfics. It takes the Draco In Leather Pants trope in its clenched fist, analyzing it curiously from every angle. And then it realizes, exactly, what it is that magnetizes people to the villains.
They wouldn't be villains if they were in any way happy.
And I'm reading this and I'm thinking back to the scene in which Twilight sees the framed pictures of Sunset winning the Formal Crowns. Remember the first one? Where her eyes are wide, and her smile is bright? Where, for the first and only time in that entire movie we see Sunset Shimmer looking almost genuinely happy?
static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130521215559/equestriagirls/images/b/be/Sunset_Shimmer_human_3.png
I doubt it's the first time Sunset ever felt the warmth of acceptance, but when she feels that acceptance, she clings to it, not wanting the moment to end. That makes me wonder more about Sunset Shimmer, actually: how happy was she when she was taken in by Celestia? Taught by her?
I'm beginning to see a pattern in Sunset's behavior:
1. Feel intense happiness. Rare. Overwhelming.
2. Want more of it.
3. Do anything to get more of it. Anything.
But that's her fatal flaw, isn't it? Sunset Shimmer is selfish. She doesn't quite get that happiness can be found in others, not just given to you.
That all adds up to the scene near the end of this fic, where she's destroying her shrine of self-worship. She's looking back at the happiest moments of her life... and she realizes, in one horrible second, that none of it was real.
In short, this is a great set-up. Sunset is the perfect character for these kinds of stories, right up there with characters like Trixie and Discord -- and unlike those two, she's not getting any more screentime for any kind of redemption arc, so that's fanfic fuel for ya.
If I had any complaints, it's that occasionally the tenses shift from past to present.
Personally, I feel the present-tense narration would make a first-person fic feel more personal. Hell, she's acting like she's conversing with the reader, so a present-tense narration would color that idea a bit better. My opinion, of course, but either way, the tenses need fixing.
Another complaint is that there's too many spots that I feel would have been better had they all just been part of the same paragraph. I'm not about to name any precise examples due to the fact that this complaint concerns the fanfic at large.
To change a paragraph is to change the direction of the story little by little. You have each paragraph contain one idea or action. When you have a bunch of different paragraphs essentially all a part of the same idea, then you should either group those paragraphs together into one or just delete one of them for taking up space.
And one last complaint I guess I could make is that you occasionally interrupt character dialogue to have Sunset make a crack at them.
That really breaks the flow of the story, and I got kind of irked by it. I get it, Sunny's a real ray of happiness, a snarker and a half. She can save it for when the characters complete their lines, though. Wouldn't hurt.
All in all, a good fic. Have a like and a fave -- and there better be updates!
3821887 Great observation there. Can't add anything more to it without taking away.
Also, to the dear author, GREAT PIC!!!
It shows the feelings you want to get across and blends really well.
3821887
Thanks for the comment!
I was wondering about the tense shifts a bit and actually have something of a strong desire to do this all in present tense.
I'll keep the other stuff in mind as well and possible rework chapter 1 here. This is my first 1st person P.O.V. fic and definitely feeling stuff out a bit.
Thankfully, somehow an idea for an overall ark has coalesced inside my head, so updates are probably a matter of sitting down and making sure I don't neglect this over my other fics rather than having to think about material.
3821909
Glad to see my ideas and meager photo manipulation abilities can result in decent cover art.
Looks like a great start to me
. (Nothing much to
saytype that hasn't already been typed.) I hope this story really dives into this Villain's character.Best of luck, stay healthy, and update soon!
-Sky66
MOOOAAAARRRR!!!
3833333
Glad you like it.
I plan to revise the first chapter (change it to present tense), and start working on the next soon here.
3833930 Of course I liked it.
I followed you for SweetieMash Chronicles, but I didn't look into much of your other work. I found this in the Feature Box and didn't realize you wrote it until after I read it. 
I'm going to start reading more of your stories like I should have. You do quality work. 
3834024
Thank you!
Sorry if the grammar is a little messier on some of the stories. The Wheel and the Butterfly is getting a good going over with a proof reader and I tried to touch up a couple of my other ones, though a few of them probably need some TLC after I've improved my writing chops.
3834047 Oh I don't judge. I do proof-reading and editing for a couple people, but I have a terrible time with my own stories. After I write them, I don't want to read them 3 more times!
(One to proofread, one to edit and revise, then one to proofread the edits and revisions 
) They end up with a bunch of typos. 
3821887
Alright, I revised the first chapters so it should all be in present tense.
I noticed I messed up in quite a few places and did in present tense anyways.
Because of Sunset's stream of consciousness narration, it's been my impulse to do the whole thing in present tense anyways. I agree that it has more emotional impact in certain parts, and this way the narration and the action is all the same tense.
The other good news is I did all this because I want to start chapter 2. My other chapter fics just got updates the last couple days, so it's time to make sure I don't neglect this one.
Thanks for all your great advice.
Oh wow. I was a little leery of this fic at first, but you absolutely nailed it. That last bit - absolutely cannot wait for the next chapter. :O
3850494
Thank you!
Chapter two is actually exactly what I'm working on right now.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
3850813
Might be an idea if I wrangled my proofreader into giving the first chapter another go over. They're pretty strict on grammar and I'm notorious bad at missing little things here and there.
Though, I'm usually pretty satisfied with the attention I get here.
This one is kinda funny in that I posted it during a rather low traffic period. So it has a very good view to upvote ration, but not a lot of views.
That'll probably change a bit once I post a few more chapters.
You may want to put a period inside your parenthesis and start a new sentence on 'next'
I'm pretty sure you meant 'Mega'...
Glad you covered how she's been living for the last while. Neatly closed up a number of holes left by EQG.
I love the fact that she didn't do her laundry because "everything was going to go as planned!"
3852186
Fixed! Thanks!
Yeah, it was actually an idea someone gave me when they where suggesting what the deal was with Pinkie's magic wallet in The Wheel and the Butterfly, and I loved it (though, already had plans there).
Having her way con her way into getting money would be an option, but might be a little hard to swallow when she shows up in human land for the first time with nothing but the hair-turned-clothing on her back.
3852247 Yeah the gold coins and the gems Equestrians throw around with ease (well, best pony at any rate
) would be worth A LOT here.
This is just getting more and more awesome. I'm also currently reading a story in which Sunset Shimmer graduates and goes back to Equestria. She mentions several times that it was hard to leave the others. I feel like these two stories could be canon with each other, and it makes me happy.
Ah, yes, the Harry Dresden method.
That probably wouldn't work. It is Flutters after all. Even the nerfed teen Fluttershy could probably avoid a mauling.
Hmm... Tarot might be interesting, and given the circumstances the Devil is gonna feature. Besides that, if I may offer a little advice, please do at least a little research into the methods of reading and card meanings. Outside the Major Arcana would be a treat, nobody remembers them, and you can get lots of fine shades of meaning.
3855168
I have a collection of decks and occasionally do readings myself.
Definitely would like to do something outside the major Acana at some point. Outside the obvious card to represent Sunset with, she could also be represented as the Page or Queen of wands.
3855180
Also, admittedly I doubt everyone of Sunset's murder plans necessary has a high degree of succeeding. Supposedly, she has a plan for almost everyone at her school, and probably a quite a bit of people at her apartment complex. It's doubtful they're all winners.
There's still some rough patches to the writing.
A few examples:
should be
Don't write out sound effects unless you're making a comic book, or alternatively, you're starting or ending a sentence with it. For example,
or
That's using a sound effect in a way that feels natural. Simple writing the onomatopia and then describing it is just silly.
should be
What you did was tell, instead of show. One of the most beloved forms of storytelling is to Show, Don't Tell. Don't tell the reader Sunset Shimmer is trying to calm her breathing; don't tell the reader Sunset felt hurt. Instead, show us how she's coming down from her terror, back into the warm embrace of reality. Readers don't need to be told things--especially obvious things. Just give us some pieces to work with and we can put the puzzle together ourselves.
Sunset Shimmer being into giant robots is cool by me, by the way. Though, honestly, I always felt she had a thing for wrestling, too.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-0MqjbmfWDRI/US5xXlzQCaI/AAAAAAABVwk/TAtRGsjs97I/s400/my-little-pony-blyszczace-kucyki-sunset-schimmer-figurka-b-iext21094807.jpg
s3.amazonaws.com/bronibooru/6413b84f92c804a22592dbb3e892f9d2.png
All in all, decent chapter and I'm interested to see where this is all headed. Keeping my fingers crossed for a The Exorcist reference!
3855414
I have pilfered and adjusted your suggested lines.
I also cut down on the line breaks since it seems they're a bit irksome to some.
Don't count on it Sunset. In fact before this is over you will probably get arrested and sent to jail for a night or two.
Interesting start.
My one real problem with this: Sunset Shimmer revealing she has a murder plan worked out for everyone she knows. That's...not only a little extreme, it's also out of character. In the movie, Sunset Shimmer shows that she's never had any intention to actually, physically harm anyone. She's a bully, not a monster. Any mention of murder plots and corpses...it doesn't quite fit.
Everything else though, good show. Moving on to the next chapter...
3863368
Well, It's not really anything she spends a lot of time actually humoring acting on. Hence why they're not super elaborate. It's more of a grim hobby of hers.
Anyhow, glad you enjoyed the first chapter, otherwise.
Edit: Also the corpses bit. You probably figured this out if you've read the second chapter, but she didn't really want to walk into Eqestria and lay waste to everything. She's being a bit snarky and sarcastic here for the benefit of keeping what little spirit she has up at the moment.
3863401 Fair enough.
And now that I've read the second chapter, some additional comments:
You're throwing in too much stuff from the real world here. One of my biggest pet peeves is people treating the EGverse as if it's Earth. It isn't. It's a parallel Equestria. So really, cut down on things like Freddy Krueger, A Clockwork Orange, and stuff like that.
Also, nitpick re: Rarity "working at the mall": We SAW the other Rarity's boutique in the movie, remember? Just like there's a parallel Sugar Cube Corner, there's also a parallel Carousel Boutique. Neither one are at any mall. If you wanted Rarity to just BE at the mall, that's fine, but it makes no sense for her to be working at the mall when she has her own shop.
Anyway, faving this for now to see where it goes, because this could be interesting. Not quite ready to upvote yet, but definitely watching.
3863592
I'll need to think about the boutique bit here. In the extras, someone who worked on the movie mention Rarity working in a boutique "at the mall", but now that you mention it and I've taken a closer look, the Boutique is more a standard clothing outlet.
I'll probably just adjust it since it's there. It's not exactly dire that she be working at that particular time, just so long as she's there preventing Sunset Shimmer from going into the store.
Everytime Sunset makes a snarky comment I imagine here standing in front of the other girls wearing priest robes going "The power of snark compels you" while splashing holy water them.
3850813 I checked the rules at Equestria Daily... and human/anthro stories are not allowed. Sorry, buddy.
3921030
I kinda wondered if that where the case or if they'd actually consider something that took place in the Equestria Girls universe....but I know they'd never take The Wheel in The Butterfly, so who needs 'em.
Anyhow, no biggy. The story's finally getting a little traction here.
Whuh Oh!
You are quickly becoming one of my favorite authors, Sir. All your stories are just so awesome.
3920841 That...is the best visualization ever. That just made my day almost as much as this chapter did.
Huh, and I always figured part of Sunset Shimmer's repentance was that Twilight had just showed her that she'd been doing things the wrong way because friendship is magic-magical power that is. And she'd been wasting all that time in the human world ignoring an incredible magical resource. The funny thing is her dialogue actually can be taken that way in the movie, too. Still if the elements could fix Nightmare Moon's mind, Sunset could hardly be worse.
3924898
I considered that interpretation, though I really wanted to try a Sunset Shimmer who was actually repentant, even if she really didn't understand what it was she was getting into.
Maybe Sunset would have had a good night's sleep if she put the stuff back in the box and told them that while it was nice she couldn't except their gifts until the atoned to the whole school.
Even from the descritption alone, I feel worried for Sunset...
Shame she didn't try the one tactic that would've WORKED: a blowjob!
I'm really glad that you wrote another chapter of this. It's one of my top 5 favorites.
I did notice you kept switching between past and present tense in this chapter, though.
4020349
Ooops.
Sunset does mention a few things take place in the past... But I'm sure I screwed it up elsewhere. I'll check the chapter at some point and try to fix it up.
Glad you like it!
4020465 I applaud you for attempting a present tense story at all.
I've tried, and it never turns out well. 
This story, and one other, had me on the hunt for more Sunset Shimmer fics, but I can't find any more of this quality.
4020526
Awww, shucks! Thanks!
4020728
Glad that you're enjoying it and you like Sunset Demons personality here.
She's like an evil (er?) version of Sunset, with all the snark and possibly more.
Another great chapter. I'm actually wondering about the daemons words.
Not those, but I don't understand what she meant by that.
No, I mean about taking her out would be like taking out a vital organ.
Is the daemon pretty much Sunset's past self incarnate that'll haunt her until she changes herself,
Or is she a fragment of the transformation that managed to hang on?
Intriguing questions. Hopefully I'll get answers.
Until then, keep up the good work.
4021099
It's an Exorcist reference.
As for the Demon it's probably at least claiming to be her own darkside incarnate the removal of which would ruin her psyche (without all your anger, ambition, lust, etc, you'd probably sit in a lump and starve to death-- of course with only such urges you'd ruin your life with overindulgence).
Do I spy a "mean girls" reference at the end there?
Kind of fitting, now that I think about it...
Just started reading, caught a mistake right off the bat:
She's talking to Snips, not Snails, right? Whichever one she called, you need to fix this so it's consistent.
Found something else:
Kinda...backwards there?