A perfect day in Equestria. Applejack and Rainbow Dash are racing. Rarity is making a new dress line. Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy are busy making new magical foods for Fluttershy's pets and all of the friends are planning to end the day with a nice picnic in Sweet Apple Acres. All of which may change when the hear that unmistakable sound of the legendary Tardis which lands right in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres. What will follow the Doctor is unknown but what is known is that Equestria will face a foe like no other.
Chapters (8)
Hmmmm...
This is actually rather decent!
Just slow down the pacing, and add more detail, then boom, you would get a thumbs up from me.
Potential, greeeeeat potential. I'll be watching closely.
~Cyan
Well this has certainly gotten my attention
3800427 I like the idea, but I do have a few suggestions.
1: To a degree you are putting too much exposition for each character's actions and reactions. You aren't writing a script or a screenplay, so you don't have to describe how everyone present is reacting to everything. Also, ninety-nine percent of your readers will know that Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a mostly friendly rivalry going on. let people experience the characters' interactions and build their own ideas of who the characters are off of that.
2: Your dialogue feels a bit cluttered. The entire picnic scene would have felt a little less exposition filled if you had had the characters talking to each-other or themselves. instead of merely explaining their actions.
3: Double space between paragraphs. This makes it easier on the eyes of your readers, especially when they're reading late at night in a dark room like most people that read fanfics are wont to do.
Also, Angel Bunny is male. I suggest going in and replacing it with he.
Your story shows great promise, but I can tell that you're most likely relatively new to this, or haven't gotten much constructive feedback on your previous works.
3801388 Thanks for the feed back. This is my first ever story so I appreciate any feed back I get and i will try to fix the things you mentioned ( especially the fact that Angel is a boy
3800494 Yeah detail is something that I try to have a lot of but sometimes its hard to put a lot into my writing. I'll try to add in more.
3800427
Just remember what Green told you, not obvious detail, just the details that make the world more lively, that we can see clearly the characters actions.
~Cyan
Good chapter, lots of story development. A couple things here and there, but otherwise seems pretty good to me.
One thing doesn't make much sense to me though: Ponies aren't a very advanced race, at least when it comes to technology, wouldn't they find kind of amazing that a person from a race that can travel across the stars, and back in time for that matter?
Not trying to knock you down or anything Michael, nice chapter my friend :)
3839212 It will make sense eventually...
3840526 Perfection takes time, I'm sure you know what I'm referencing there. You've seen me play.
Just keep writing and address your points as the story continues.
Hm, it appears that other TARDIS' have been crashing into the equestrian dimension, it must have a gap big enough for them to pass through. The reason why they acted shocked by his appearance might be because the time lords have died on impact and no pony can get inside without the key. The doctor survived but I doubt he's going to like what he finds. This is getting very interesting, keep going.
Apologizes for not updating this story for a while but I've been busy writing the second chapter for my fallout fan fiction. If you haven't checked it out yet then go ahead if you want. Anyway the next thing I write will be for time lords in equestrian.
Woo, finally have the third chapter for Time Lords in Equestria up! Hope you enjoy!
TARDIS is an acronym, not a word. All of the letters should be capitalized. Even if it wasn't, it's a proper noun, so the first letter should have been capitalized.
4296307 Noted, thanks for the comment.
Dont stop there i want more!!!!!!!!!.….……pleas
4481534 Don't worry, there's more on the way!
Yessssss!!!!!!!!!!!!
4483780 Glad your excited for it!
Wow...Rarity's an ass. But I like her as an ass, means I don't have to like her as a character.
4485404 That may be the funniest comment I've ever gotten! However, you don't think I wrote her toooooo "bitchy" do you?
4486638 Not too bitchy, enough so that she's annoying but not so much that she's nonredeemable as a character.
4487290 Perfect.
Aw, I was hoping the Doctor would hurt Celestia's feelings, now i'm dissapointed.
wait there from equestrian? im sure its just a typo but isnt it equestria?
4611055 Yeah when I used to write this in microsoft word it would try to correct Equestria to Equestrian.
Why can't people break text into paragraphs? It's a simple press of ONE button for luna's sake. And I'm not reading this for that simple fact. I'm sick or reading block wall text. I don't see why the READER has to be the one to put so much effort into reading the bloody thing, trying not keep losing their place, every time they scroll down or something. And to me, it also show laziness.
Welp they are doomed cybermen and daleks are ruthless and will kill anyone or anything
Welp let's hope it isn't the daleks or weeping angels