Time lords in Equestria

by Mddocta122

How a perfect day can change

“You won’t be able to catch up to me Applejack, I’m the fastest in Ponyville!” Rainbow Dash calls out to her apple bucking friend

“ Don’t you count me out yet” Applejack responded as she tries to catch up to the flying cyan Pegasus.

The two friends were constantly trying to best each other in the attempt to prove whether the hard working, apple bucking, rancher Applejack or the cyan, weather changing Rainbow Dash was the best athlete in ponyville . Competitions like this one had become a daily activity for the two and the towns folk would commonly see the two racing each other or competing in some other show of strength.

Meanwhile Pinkie Pie is enjoying her favorite activity in the Sugarcube corner bakery, baking and eating her favorite vanilla cupcakes with pink frosting and sprinkles on them.

“Oh pinkie, could you please come and work the counter for a bit?” Mrs. Cake asks.

“Sure thing Mrs. Cake” Pinkie answers as she finishes off her final frosting covered treat

Pinkie, cheerful as always bounces her way from the kitchen to the counter at the front of the store, observing all the colorful ponies lined up ready to purchase their delicious baked goods.

“Okay every pony come and get it!” Pinkie yells holding up the freshly baked pastries

In Fluttershy’s Cottage the magical prodigy Twilight Sparkle and the animal caring Fluttershy are trying to find a spell that will allow Twilight to conjure up delicious tasting food for Fluttershy’s animals.

“ Here you go Angel try this” Fluttershy says in her calm and quiet voice to her pet bunny giving her Twilight’s new attempt at making food.
The fluffy, white bunny quickly stuffs the food into its mouth, chews it, and then quickly spits it right back out with obvious hate for the new magical product.

“Oh dear!” Fluttershy says cleaning up the chewed mass “Umm… I don’t think Angel liked it Twilight” she says in an almost apologetic tone as if it was her own fault.

“Alright then” Twilight responds in her usual determined voice. “Let’s try something a bit different.” She says while flipping through a spell book trying to find a better spell. “Ah ha, here we go, I think this is the spell I’ve been looking for!”

Twilight’s horn begins to glow purple. A beam fires from her horn and hits the floor of the cottage. The beam disappears and Twilight’s horn fades. In the area the beam hit lays a brown pellet with green spots. Angel immediately hops over to the pellet and shoves it in its mouth. It chews, and for once doesn’t spit it out; in fact it continues chewing and swallows with a smile.

In the Carousel Boutique Rarity is working hard on a brand new dress to wear to a party in which only the best designers are invited to. The dress is the same shade of white as Rarity’s cat Opalescence. This dress also includes multi colored gems around the neck and legs. As she was sewing she remembered that she had plans to meet the others for a picnic at 2 pm in Sweet Apple Acres. She looked at the clock seeing that it was 1:50 and quickly runs out the door. Rarity runs across Ponyville and eventually makes it to the beautiful Sweet Apple Acres. Looking around in the green grassy fields the white unicorn spots her friends however notices that Applejack is missing from the group. She walks towards the group.

“Hey there Rarity!” Pinkie Pie greets cheerfully.

“Hello everyone, I must ask where is Applejack?” Rarity questions.

“We don’t know” Twilight answers “She was here and said that she had a special surprise for us and then left, we haven’t seen her since then.”

After about ten or so minutes of waiting the group finally sees Applejack and Big Macintosh moving a cart filled with to the brim with what appears to be pastries.

“Well ya’ll here it is, ma special treat to every pony” Applejack announces. “Now right here we got everything, apple fritters, apple pie, candy apples, red apples, green apples, and golden apples, anything that has apples in it I got it!”

“Even the super apple pie cakes with granny smith’s special apple ice cream treat tart deluxe?” Pinkie questions

“I had those made just for you Pinkie” Applejack says.

Everyone immediately dives into the treasure trove of treats. Rainbow dash hovers above grabbing at whatever looks good. Pinkie dives in head first eating anything at all. Rarity carefully selects the treats that are the best made and prepared. While Twilight magically lifts a handful of pastries to her mouth. Applejack, noticing that Fluttershy is unsure of what to eat helps her decide and points out all the best foods. Everyone is enjoying their food when out of nowhere they hear the strangest, most alien noise they ever had ever heard before. “Woo… woo… woo…”

“What in the hay was that?” Applejack asks.

“Why I’ve never heard that sound in my entire life!” Rarity mentions, looking around trying to see where the alien noise came from.

“Well then let’s go, we can’t just sit around I’m going to fly up and look around” Rainbow Dash says as she begins to fly up towards the sky.

The rest decide to split up and look around, all except for Fluttershy who tags along with Applejack. As the six are exploring Ponyville Rainbow Dash is circling around Sweet Apple Acres and spots a strange blue rectangular box and flies down towards it. Upon closer inspection she can make out some details. All around the top trim of the mysterious box she sees the words: Police Public Call Box. The windows are light up but she can’t see inside of them. The box is burned in some parts and the wood is chipping. The handles are rusted as if it’s been sitting there for years. She attempts to open the box however it’s locked. After looking around for anything else Rainbow Dash decides to go and collect the rest of the group. After leading the others to the box everyone is shocked to see it. It’s such as strange site to just see a big blue box sitting in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres.

“Um… hello” Twilight says as she taps carefully on the door. “Uh… is anyone in there?” “He…hello?”
Then, something happens, the door slowly creaks open revealing something that even Twilight with her extensive knowledge of different creatures has never even read about.

Author's Note:

So this is my very first post. I hope you enjoy what you see and I hope to add chapters as quick as possible. Also if your wondering this will be the David Tennant version of the Doctor

Comments

[CyanDoodles]

Hmmmm...

This is actually rather decent!

Just slow down the pacing, and add more detail, then boom, you would get a thumbs up from me.

Potential, greeeeeat potential. I'll be watching closely.

~Cyan

[Dorvarious]

Well this has certainly gotten my attention

[Greenjack]

3800427 I like the idea, but I do have a few suggestions.
1: To a degree you are putting too much exposition for each character's actions and reactions. You aren't writing a script or a screenplay, so you don't have to describe how everyone present is reacting to everything. Also, ninety-nine percent of your readers will know that Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a mostly friendly rivalry going on. let people experience the characters' interactions and build their own ideas of who the characters are off of that.

2: Your dialogue feels a bit cluttered. The entire picnic scene would have felt a little less exposition filled if you had had the characters talking to each-other or themselves. instead of merely explaining their actions.

3: Double space between paragraphs. This makes it easier on the eyes of your readers, especially when they're reading late at night in a dark room like most people that read fanfics are wont to do.

Also, Angel Bunny is male. I suggest going in and replacing it with he.

Your story shows great promise, but I can tell that you're most likely relatively new to this, or haven't gotten much constructive feedback on your previous works.

[Mddocta122]

3801388 Thanks for the feed back. This is my first ever story so I appreciate any feed back I get and i will try to fix the things you mentioned ( especially the fact that Angel is a boy

[Mddocta122]

3800494 Yeah detail is something that I try to have a lot of but sometimes its hard to put a lot into my writing. I'll try to add in more.

[CyanDoodles]

3800427

Just remember what Green told you, not obvious detail, just the details that make the world more lively, that we can see clearly the characters actions.

~Cyan