When Divinity Just Won't Cut It

by BlimpAtomic

Meeting the Co-Workers

I lazily opened one eye, letting the sun pour into my vision. I wiped the drool from my mouth and stretched out my aching back. Sleeping on hastily built benches is never good for your body. It's a shame reservations at the castle were not only expensive, but often came with a private talk with Celestia. After all, not just anypony lives in that giant fucking building.

To my surprise, I'd woken up to find that all of my luggage was still there. I was so certain that Jewel or whatever his face was would have taken it. You can't trust street filth. I say that loosely, considering I fell asleep next to one. But what can you do when you refuse to make reservations ahead of time? Nothing.

I flung my bags onto my back and looked around like a lost child. I had no idea where I was or what I was supposed to do. Canterlot was a big city, and I couldn't tell east from west in this shit. Turning around, I received the biggest "fuck you" imaginable. The castle, in all its purple and golden gilded glory, sat not more than a mile away from me. It was really tall and impressive, and it looked really sturdy despite the color scheme. Purple for a castle never struck me as a good idea. Guards in shimmering bronze armor patrolled around the marble gates. No expressions, no feelings, no worries. I couldn't tell if they were bored or if they were trained to look that dull. I readjusted my mane with my free hoof and took one last peek at the guards. Time to introduce myself.

There were laws. And then there were magic laws. I only felt like ignoring one set of these at a time. When I felt the cold metal of spears cross my chest, I only had one thing in mind.

"Sir, do you have a summons from the Princess?" one of the two guards asked.

"Yes," I smiled, "but not on hoof. Is that gonna be a problem?"

"I'm 'fraid so."

"Adorable." With a wave of my hoof, the two dropped dead. And by dead, I mean asleep. It's illegal, as are most useful spells in Equestria, to put anypony to sleep using magic. But it was my favorite spell. "Sleep tight, assholes," I spat as I pushed through the castle gate and up onto the main entrance. Pushing through that, I found myself stopped by more guards. Apparently they need confirmation from their buddies outside to allow subjects in. I glanced at the two guards before sighing. "This is gonna be a long day."

"Princess, you don't need to worry for me so much. I know it's been tough on my own, but I have to get used to it eventually," Twilight said, standing next to Celestia as she sat on her throne.

"I suppose," she replied, raising a hoof to her chin. "You've done well with everything I've given you." And she was right. Twilight and her group of friends had fought off tons of things. An evil sister, the embodiment of chaos, a heartless king, and a giant dragon, just to name a few. Why should she think otherwise of her brave student? Because fuck all, that's why! Celestia reconsidered her thoughts for just a second before giving a concerned look to her prized student. "However, this particular pony is...well...different."

Twilight laughed. "Princess, I think-"

"Celestia. You don't have to call me Princess anymore," she smiled. It was a strained one though, as she'd grown tired of explaining it to her for the billionth time.

"Right," Twilight said as she smiled sheepishly. "But anyway, I'm sure it's no problem. How bad could it be?"

THUD!

The solar princess could nearly smell the irony of that last statement. The sound came from outside the doors to the throne room, followed by the clanging of metal and a quick sigh. Two more thuds came soon after. Celestia looked abruptly to her sister, who merely shrugged, and then to the two guards in front of her.

"Ace, Lithis," she sighed as the two guards stood stiff and put their right hoof to their heads in a salute. "Go see what that's about." The two rushed out of the giant doors. "Now Twilight, about this pony, he's probably not that bad. But I want you to-"

THUD! THUD!

CLANG! CLANG!

Celestia muttered a curse under her breath, her eyebrows narrowing in total exasperation. As if on cue, the doors bucked open, at which the two stallions guarding it immediately crossed their spears in front of the intruder.

THUD! THUD!

Celestia gave a look at the colt before her, one of exasperation and defeat.

"All this trouble, just for me?" The orange pony asked with a giant smirk on his face. "Oh, you shouldn't have." Twilight looked at Celestia, searching for an answer. She glanced back, and quickly glared at Flare.

"This, Twilight. This is what I was talking about."

I'm a pretty rugged colt. I'm not proud of many things, whether I did it, you did it, or some god did it. And I have no problems expressing my distaste of your utter bullshit. But! There are few moments in my life that I'll ever cherish as much as this one. No, no, just wait! The look on their faces, man! I felt like I just made a really bad joke, and rather than a sarcastic laugh, I got the "Fucking wow. Did he really just do that?" reaction.

Twilight turned to face me, a look of confusion and determination on her face. I guess she didn't like me due to her mentor's reaction, but that couldn't be helped. Celestia, however, took a more forward approach.

"I should have you arrested. I really, really, should," she said, tentatively facehoofing as I burst into laughter. The three princesses all glared at me as I finally quieted down.

"Ok, ok. Whatever. Ya know, that spell only works on idiots," I replied, bonking my hoof into my forehead. "Are they all empty up there?"

"Luckily," she said, ignoring my last statement, "I won't." She glanced out one of the giant stained glass windows of Twilight and her friends stopping Discord. It was still pretty early in the morning, and she needed to get this out of the way as fast as possible.

"I'll see that you get to your room," she continued, "and you'll meet us back here by noon, if not earlier." I nodded in agreement, looking at Luna to see how positively pissed she looked. Twilight was just confused, but Luna was nearly fuming. I can imagine that in her time, divine respect of the princesses was demanded, which would make sense. But now was different. And the situation of a total asshat like me just barging into the castle putting every stupid fucking guard to sleep was not lost on her.

"Alright then," I said, clopping my hooves together. The two guards in front of the room opened their eyes groggily and stretched out, only to blush deeply after finding out where they were. "They're all up now," I said quietly to Celestia. "Have fun explaining that." If looks could kill, man. If looks could kill.

Author's Note:

Welp, I haven't been here in a looong time because my computer had broken down. I see this chapter as more of a placeholder than anything before any real plot happens. But I am here. And I am alive. Also changed the name because I don't see why not.