"A being of pure arcane energy. No limits, no boundaries. Unstoppable, until it was chained up in Tartarus. I suppose that's still fair game, right?"
There are still those in Equestria who dare to practice the "dark magic" as it is known. Their power is legendary. Unbridled power is theirs to control, but nothing with which to use it. I suppose that's why they opened a pit to Tartarus.
1. The sex is implied. No clop for you. 2. This is written in first person. I don't write in this person much, so gimme a chance. 3. Ever read The Catcher in the Rye? Because in that case, this character is Holden Motherfucking Caulfield minus the depression and bullshit. So, yeah. Cursing. Yeah...
Chapters (6)
You haven't seen mentally unstable until you've looked at this and laughed from 0:35 to 1:00
3777769 Welp, this is the thing that has broken me. I just, I don't even know....Oh no....
Your method of writing dialogue makes it very hard to tell who said what.
The way dialogue is normally written when the writer is omitting "he said" and " Bob asked" is:
"Oh, come on, man, that is not funny."
I pointed at the shaving cream all over Steve's head and laughed my ass off. "Oh yes it totally is!"
Steve smushed the shaving cream in an attempt to remove it. "You're an asshole."
But the way you're writing it goes:
"Oh, come on, man, that is not funny." I pointed at the shaving cream all over Steve's head and laughed my ass off.
"Oh yes it totally is!" Steve smushed the shaving cream in an attempt to remove it.
"You're an asshole."
Now, in a sequence like this, where we know that "I" am laughing at the shaving cream and "Steve" is trying to remove it, it becomes obvious from context who is saying what. But as soon as it is slightly less obvious, it becomes really hard to track who is saying what. And you're not writing Discord in a distinctive "voice" that makes it very clear who he is as opposed to your character, who is also a sarcastic asshole, so it is hard to tell them apart.
Generally speaking, when you have a character speak during a paragraph, actions performed by characters in that paragraph should have that character as the subject. There are exceptions, but the pattern you're performing, where the speech by Character A is always followed by action by Character B in the same paragraph, is needlessly confusing. Just rearrange the paragraph breaks slightly so that the action by Character B that you had previously stuck at the end of Character A's dialogue line instead comes at the start of Character B's dialogue line, and you will correct the problem.
Also, Discord is not being funny enough. The fact that he's actually scared shouldn't prevent him from being sarcastic and/or silly; he might actually do it more because he's trying to hide that he's scared. The interchange between him and Celestia worked well, but as soon as he's talking to the main character his character goes flat.
3817662 Fair point. I'm not a very good writer, so I'm always a work in progress. Thanks for the insight though, I'll be looking to clean this up eventually.
3817671
Your work isn't bad. The avoiding "he said" in favor of sentences describing action is actually a good technique that makes writing more vivid and engaging to read; it's just that you have to be careful where you're putting your action line. (This is not to be confused with a thing you are *not* doing that is a terrible idea, which is replacing the word said with a zillion synonyms. "Oh no!" he expostulated. You're not doing that, and that's good, I just don't want anyone who reads this comment to be confused and think that that is what I'm suggesting. :-))
Everyone sucks when they get started and the only way to get better is practice, so if you enjoy writing and want to get good at it, you're going about it the right way. :-) One thing it is hard to do when working with an OC you really like is preventing them from getting all the good lines. I think part of the reason Discord turns flat when interacting with your OC, while he's still more or less normal with Celestia (and btw, I *loved* Celestia admitting that she, too, hates Discord but loves hating him and messing with him too much to ever kill him; I had relationships like that with enemies in middle school myself, and I was the goody two shoes of the pair, so I totally get that), is that you like your OC too much to let anyone else shine around him. But that is paradoxical because it actually makes your OC less interesting to read. Keep up witty banter that allows both sides to zing the other and you make an entertaining sequence that keeps readers interested in your OC.
Good luck!
3817804 Thanks. I've taken your advice into consideration. I think the other thing I should start working on is the massive dialogue parts. This may be just me, but it gets kinda boring when it's just going back and forth. But once again, thank you for the constructive criticism.
Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.
3829903 Cool, never did. Eh, writing is about 70% hating your own work, but if I ever feel that it's at least pretty good, I'll certainly consider it.