Call me GB! ^_^ I enjoy writing colourful horse stories for you to enjoy. If you liked one of my stories, please share it with others and have a wonderful day!
Luna Is The Best Pony4,630 stories ·7,265 members
The Usual372 stories ·55 members
I Just Want a Comment15,706 stories ·3,671 members
Sweetie Belle2,660 stories ·1,638 members
Sweetie Belle is the best pony475 stories ·195 members
Cryosite2,675 stories ·252 members
Luna awakens to find herself in a strange, frightening realm filled with churning darkness and eerie silence. With no idea how she'd gotten there, her only mission is to find her way back home. But this place is mysterious, terrifying and even dangerous. Along the way, she finds another pony who somehow found themselves in this strange place: Little Sweetie Belle. Can they survive?
--Cover art by ArtyLovr.
--Russian translation by NovemberDragon.
Page generated in 0.157 seconds
Total duration
994 users online
1,461,132 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Intriguing. Do continue.
Damn, son. You got my attention with this one and you can consider me in it till the finish.
Most Awesome beginning.
I NEED MORE! PLEASE! So amused. Do continue.
Like what i've read here? I love it and want more.
Sadly, my friends don't read pony fanfics.
Damn.
Good. Damn good! That was....action-packed, scary, heart-felt, dramatic.. and certainly most excellent.
Totally looking forward to more.
Empty darkness?
DARK tag?
lulz, I am easily amused
So close to losing a friend in more ways then one. I don't envy your plight, Luna.
Most dramatic chapter.
A lot of hassle in the castle. Most awesome.
Dem feels
Such danger.
Much pain-filled fear.
Wow.
Another great chapter. I can only imagine what further horrors await our heroines on their quest.
Moar!!!!
4144707 Dang cliffhangers....
Awesome chapter. I'm so happy to see this story updated.
Dang, why isn't this story featured? This story needs more love...
I dunno, an avalanche should do more damage than that. Last time I saw an avalanche my ears were ringing for a good half hour, and I wasn't even in it. And the logistics of digging yourself out... well, snow is actually really, really heavy. If it's thick enough to bury a horse of any size, it won't be soft.
But hey, magical land of talking horses, immortal princess of the moon, mysterious dark world... I'm not complaining.
4153024 I have two counter-arguments for that, but in the end I will admit that I don't ski and so I don't know /everything/ about avalanches. They're just one of those 'bad' things that hamper the progress of good guys in stories
1-Remember that Luna (and Celestia) are built of much tougher stuff. They have improved strength, stamina and sturdiness over a normal pony. Luna bonked her noggin and so was knocked out, but her body would have been able to withstand the avalanche.
2-There was really no easy way to describe it as such in the story, but Luna wasn't in the "main" part of the avalanche, so to speak. Most of the falling snow was carrying Sweetie, leaving less to bury her.
Thanks for your comments, though! And thank you for reading!
4153396 Didn't mean to offend, just putting in my 10 cents (no more pennies in Canada, so yeah). Even though Luna wasn't seriously injured, I think that she would be a lot more shocked after a fall like that. I know I'm just imposing my own experience on a piece of art that I didn't make, so please don't be offended, but even a small summer avalanche falls with a ear-splitting roar that you can hear from a good 3km away. A full avalanche is absolutely magnificent to behold and terrifying even from the opposite slope, and they have a definite psychological impact. I completely understand how you intend to use the avalanche, and you're using it very well, but there's just so much potential in these massive disasters.
I have absolutely no right to demand any changes from you, nor am I trying to make you feel bad. I'm just a reader who cares about your writing and want to see you improve, not to say that you're not a great writer already.
I know I'm being really nit-picky, and I respect all your decisions since this is your story, but hey, what's the comment section for if not picking part all the little details?
4153669 Oh goodness, I wasn't anywhere close to being offended. I just like interacting with fans, lol.
Oh dear. She could have wound up anywhere....maybe near that mysterious glow....
Loved the humor. Most excellent.
"the bottom the mountain"- little things like this are pretty hard to catch unless you go over your writing with a fine-toothed comb.
"Immense pain ripped through her chest before she was able to teleport a short distance away, freeing herself. She stifled a moan of pain and held a hoof to her chest. Blood was dripping from the wound, coating her hoof in a matter of seconds. She stared with a pained expression as the snake righted itself on the ground and glared at her, hissing threateningly.
Fiery pain was erupting all through her chest. The pressure of her hoof only staved it off a little bit. Her mind was quickly being clouded with the dizziness of pain, but she fought through it. She needed to stay vigilant against foes."
In segments like this where you're trying to describe action and sensation, I find it useful to come back to the first draft and read it again. The number of times that "pain" is used here really breaks the rhythm. At this point, it's not so much about finding synonyms as it is finding new ways to construct your sentences. You couldn't throw in "agony", but I don't think you even need to directly acknowledge pain so many times. If you were to say something like "her eyes burned with hot tears, and a veil was descending over her overtaxed mind", there's the advantage of leaving some ambiguity for your readers. The pain is already obvious, but in a statement like that I might also glean fatigue, panic and fear. Of course, this is retrospective on my part, but it's something to keep in mind.
I'll also comment on the pacing in this chapter. You seem to be deliberately trying to slow down and really dig into Luna's thoughts, but there are a few obvious places where you could've done more for dramatic effect, and others where it could've been smoother. For example, "Something fast and sweeping…like an avalanche" can be broken into 2 paragraphs to drive home the terrifying implications.
For a case where the convolution was a bit much, consider this:
"The princess didn't want to believe it. She couldn't accept what she had found here, and yet it was right here before her. The avalanche had taken her companion and swept her right off the face of the cliff. Sweetie Belle was gone."
The second sentence sounds a bit forced; it's not exactly a great innovation compared to "The princess didn't want to believe it", so I personally don't think it deserves it's own sentence. Again, this is just how I would construct it personally, but here goes:
"The princess didn't want to believe it; couldn't accept it, though evidence stared her in the face.
She couldn't accept what she had found here, and yet it was right here before her.The avalanche had taken her companion and swept her right off
the face ofthe cliff.Sweetie Belle was gone."
Again, by splitting up the initial denial, the evidence and the realization, you can convey that feeling that the world is grinding to a halt.
Mechanics aside, DID THEY GET SENT TO THIS HELL HOLE BY CELESTIA'S BOTCHED EXPERIMENT? AND SNAKE MONSTER! AHHH! Can't wait to see where this is going. Although I think I'm overstepping my boundary as a reader, I'm going to make a suggestion: do something with the monster.
In a lot of stories, monsters are one-shot things; the heroes outrun it, and you just forget about it after a while. I suggest you give this snake some personality. Think of it more as a villain than a monster, and try to make it a little more alive. A giant snake isn't just an environmental hazard like an avalanche; it has desires and fears and needs. Think about the mythology of snakes as you write, and think about why these ideas came to be. I think it'll help you create a monster that stands out in a universe filled with monsters.
And that's my thoughts in a coconut shell.
Yay! Update!
I'm really, really glad that we're starting to get sneak-peeks into what actually happened and how Luna and Sweetie Belle ended up in the dark world. Makes me excited for the next chapter!
Hello GigaBowser. While I've really liked this story all the way through...this chapter is by far my favorite one so far!
The main reason is between of the conversation between Luna and Sweetie Belle that starts with Luna recapping her past and then leads to her realizing that she is in fact loved by her subjects. That whole sequence was so warm and sweet! And it wasn't just that either, it was also Sweetie Belle revealing how much Luna means to the kids of Ponyville and Luna revealing a more fun and mischievous side to her and her sister. Again, it was a beacon of light in the darkness.
Also, I really liked the idea of Luna's dream powers only being a recent thing. That explains why she didn't just interact with ponies in their dreams in the past, which could be a massive series plot hole if she could do that before but simply didn't.
Anyway, I'm loving this story so far. Please keep up the awesome work!
4230869 Thank you for your insight, I have taken your suggestions into consideration and made a few changes to this chapter. Thank you for reading, and I hope you continue to enjoy!
Been awhile since i've seen a snake in a story and even longer since i've seen a scary one.
Even Orochimaru never came close.
Such soul-wrenching, tear-rending, awesomeness in this chapter and now her memories are returning?! I can't wait to see what happens next and to find out Sweetie Belles fate!
Most excellent.
You would die of thirst before you starve to death other than that this is a pretty good story.
= )
Woooo whooo, more!
Okay, at this point you know that I'll have a few things to say.
"occasionally patch marked with splotches of black."-- found a typo.
"She could feel herself dying."-- It might just be me, but the buildup doesn't seem sufficient for such a grand statement. Maybe put "dying" in italics; I think that'll work better as dramatic emphasis rather than Sweetie Belle being a drama queen.
"She couldn't run any more. She was beginning to slow down."-- a bit of redundancy here; I think your point comes across just as well if these two sentences were combined somehow.
"As soon as she tried to move, however, all the pain in her body increased threefold. She cried out once more in pain. She tried a few times to get to her hooves, but she just couldn't. Her body just wouldn't let her any more. She tried to crawl, but barely had the energy for it. As precious seconds ticked by, she only managed to inch herself backwards along the ground a meter or two."-- this paragraph seems choppy to me; there are a lot of ideas going on here, and sometimes one doesn't lead to the other as smoothly as it should. Unfortunately, I'm too tired right now to suggest a viable alternative.
"As the cold air whipped around and the ever-present darkness churned about like a malevolent evil"-- the "malevolent evil" part seems rather ham-fisted in the delivery; it reminds the reader that this place is evil, but it's a really blunt statement. Besides, we already know that this is a bad place.
On the plus side, the dynamic duo is back! Not quite kicking, exactly, but at least they're back. And that's great! There's no Luna emoticon at all, is there?
4334058 Hello again BlndDog, and thank you for your comment.
I'd just like to say that, after reading a lot of your comments here, I think a lot of the problems here come down to just a difference in style.
When I am writing a serious, heavy scene where everything is going wrong, I change the way I write. It's similar to the way the human mind works. When everything is going great, then your thoughts come in smoothly and calmly and they flow easily from one to the next
But when things start to get hectic and stressful, you lose that smoothness. A thousand thoughts come at you all at one, just pecking at you! Peck! Peck! Peck! It's hard to focus on them all. They're everywhere, they're surrounding you! You feel like it's overwhelming you and it feels like you just can't handle it!!
That's why when things in the story are taking a turn for the worse, I make my sentences a little more direct, rough and to the point. It's meant, in a way, to convey the stress that the characters are going through.
Your first note refers to a typo, but I don't see any typo. In regards to your last note, speaking more "whimsically and poetically", I guess, is sometimes how I end chapters.
So again, thank you for your comments and thank you very much for reading, but keep what I said here in mind, okay? Thanks!
4339951 I know what you mean, and I do the same thing sometimes, but there is a point where it gets too fragmented to be a tasteful stylistic choice.
"She tried a few times to get to her hooves, but she just couldn't"-- I think this is the part that was bugging me about that whole paragraph. I would use "onto" or "on" in place of "to" here; getting "to her hooves" implies to me that her hooves are detached somehow.
You're right, most things I've picked up so far are just stylistic. Is there anything in particular you'd rather have me talk about? I mean, If I'm not saying anything useful there's really no point in commenting anymore.
4340941 Trust me when I say that I appreciate comments. Opening up the FIMFiction notifier thingy, I get quite a different reaction when it says '1 comment' instead of just '1 fave'. I love it even more when people leave a comment that has a little more juice than "Can't wait for more!"
But there's really only two things I'm looking for in a comment, when you get down to the most basic sense of it. I would either like to know specifically what a person enjoyed while reading the story, or if something in the story seemed /vitally/ wrong to them.
When I released the last chapter of Lost to the Sands, some people left longer comments stating why they weren't satisfied with the ending, and that was good to me. Even though some of them weren't even...well, "right" I suppose...I still appreciated the input.
But in this case, well...I don't want to offend you, but I can't think of another word besides 'nitpicking'. Your comment last time about a 'fine-toothed comb' irked me a little because I DO go over my chapters with a fine-toothed comb. Of course, you must realize, nothing and nobody is perfect.
And there's all these little tiny structure changes and word changes you're suggesting, and I'm afraid I just don't agree with a lot of the reasoning you're providing. You see my friend, when I prepare a story for publishing, I actually go through the whole thing and read it OUT LOUD. That way I can hear how the words sound, even when they're just being spoken inside of a reader's head. At that point, I can pick out points that just sound horribly wrong (even though they looked fine on paper) and fix them. This is also why I have a pre-reader.
Your input is appreciated, but unless something really and truly irks you, then it might not matter all that much. Your comments are 90% negative. Even though you place some positive vibes at the bottom of each one, your comment is still mostly negative. Now I'm pretty sure that you don't feel 90% negative about my chapters, otherwise why would you be here?
I've gone on for too long by now. If you want to keep doing what you're doing, then I can't really stop you. Thank you again for reading, and I hope you continue to enjoy.
*falls over from being tense*
Dear Lord, the tension and suspense! It was maddening!
But, now the biggest horror ends and the next saga begins. I can't wait to see what next you pull out of your hat!
Most excellent.
4341693 You're right, and I'm sorry for all the negative things I've been picking out. I just didn't want to be one of those people who just say "it's nice" or "keep it up". But do keep it up; I don't dislike 90% of the story, I've just been focusing way too hard on the <1% that I took issue with in the comments. I'll stop.
Hell yeah, Gamer Luna!
I love the fact that this story keeps updating. It's a great read.
Ohmygosh! I neeeeeed more!
Thanks for the update! 
Smooth, Luna. Real smooth.
This is a really nice change of pace after the last few chapters. In a way it's darker; we knew that this was a strange world, but to have the idea of a dead world articulated in dialogue is bone-chilling.
I'm curious as to what they will actually find as their search continues. A portal? A machine? A magic mirror? A TARDIS, perhaps?
4390463 A TARDIS?
WHAT A
Gamer Luna may be best Luna.
Most excellent chapter. I love the twists and timely updates!
This is one damn good story.
WHAOU, that's all I can say.
!!!!
I admit each time I read one of your fanfictions, I become a big fan of the main characters xD
FINISH THIS OR I'LL RELEASH PINKIE PIE ON YOU
Just kidding xD But really, what woudn't I give to read the finale ?
4565338 I'm Canadian
Yay! Epilogue!
This is a very nice story.
And yet... I feel like I've seen this before...
EDIT: The dupe has been removed, and the accounts of the thief permabanned after it was reported to the mods. Hopefully this serves as some justice for you, and I'm sorry your work had to be ripped off in such a way. This is, as I said, a very nice and severely underrated story. I wish you luck on your future writings.
~Blinkie
So..Awesome!
Ahhhhh.......
Such..Such a satisfying ending...It will be alright..they will live....
I could ask for more, to show their recovery...but this...this is perfect..
Very nice epilogue.
Thanks for writing it, it satisfied several questions that the proper ending left me with.
My life is complete