Empty Darkness

by GigaBowser

Solitary

Luna was on the move.

Her heart was aching and she was fighting off panic, but she was not letting it defeat her. The alicorn's hooves were flying across the snow. She slipped often and even fell on her face a couple of times, but she barely noticed. She had to move, and she had to do it fast.

Her horn was glowing non-stop. It was exhausting; not only did she need to cast her light spell, but also had a second spell to cast. She moved her head, and her horn with it, as she sought out the incredibly faint magical residue that marked her path.

As Sweetie Belle had been carried away by the avalanche, she had tried casting a spell. Luna didn't know what the spell even was and it had done nothing, but it was serving as her only lead right now.

Whenever a unicorn cast any kind of spell, 'magical residue' would be left in the air behind it. It was often very faint and impossible to detect unless one could also cast magic, but it was there. Major spells such as teleportation and invisibility left more potent trails, and detecting the residue was often how crimes committed by unicorns were solved. Anything less than that, however, could not be detected by an ordinary unicorn, and a spell that failed to cast would be completely out of the question.

It was a good thing Luna was not an ordinary unicorn.

Her task was like following a trail of breadcrumbs in the dark. The filly had apparently tried a couple of times to cast some sort of spell in an effort to save herself. Luna was finding small trails of residue spaced quite far apart, and they were frustratingly difficult to find in the darkness. But, she was following them now. They were her only hope.

She was trying her hardest not to give in to despair. She had to repeatedly tell herself that what had happened was not her fault. There was nothing she could have done at the time, considering she had been knocked out cold. The lump on her head was still throbbing. It was difficult to focus, though. Her mind was assaulted by worry and panic, constantly seeing images of her filly companion and the many horrible fates that may have befallen her.

She came across another little trail. The filly's magic traces were growing weaker, causing Luna much worry. She pushed herself more, running as fast as she could through the snow. The temperature was rising, though it still remained at an absolutely frigid level. She was getting close to the bottom the mountain, and it seemed like the snow would end soon. All she had to do was keep moving in this direction. This is where the avalanche had taken Sweetie.

Luna gasped in shock and slammed on the brakes. She couldn't stop in time and careened off of the edge. A few quick flaps of her wings saved her and brought her back to solid ground, but she could feel her heart thumping wildly in her chest.

Once she had caught her breath, she focused her gaze on the edge she had nearly fallen off of. As she trotted forward, getting as close as she could, she found that she couldn't see the ground below. Luna was standing at the top of a huge cliff.

She gazed left and right. The cliff edge continued into the darkness in both directions. What caught her eyes, however, was how the snow appeared so thin here, especially around the edge. Normally, snow collected at the edges of things. It was why snow collected in trees, and why houses looked so picturesque in the wintertime. But the snow here looked like it had been swept right off the edge with little left behind.

Luna's heart skipped a beat. As if something had just rushed by here. Something fast and sweeping…like an avalanche.

She was trembling now. She tried to control it, but she couldn't. She took a deep breath, gulped, and lit up her horn. She cast out once more, just like she had been doing for a while now, searching for magical residue.

She felt her heart plummet right into her stomach when she detected it. It was incredibly faint, but it was there. A single magic trail heading down the hill and straight over the edge.

"No…"

She stepped forward and took another look over the edge. The ground was yards away, and the side of the cliff was rough and jagged.

"No, no, no…!"

Luna fell to her haunches in the snow, trembling and hugging herself. It was too hard to breathe. She couldn't breathe right. She was going to die right here and it was all going to end!

She took a few deep breaths and tried to calm her panic. She tried to slow down her heart and get her breathing under control, but it was an uphill battle. She continued to shiver, and it had nothing to do with the cold.

The princess didn't want to believe it; she couldn't accept what she had found here, and yet it was right here before her. The avalanche had taken her companion and swept her right off the face of the cliff. Sweetie Belle was gone.

No, she told herself, You don't know that… Luna had to call upon all of her past experiences and skills to keep herself under control. She had faced situations far more stressful than this, and so she knew she could keep herself calm. Why, then, was it becoming so difficult?

The image of a snow-white filly, dead at the bottom of a cliff, would not leave her alone. She had to constantly remind herself that she had no proof. All she knew was that the avalanche had taken her here, and she had been alive at the time. What had happened after that, she didn't know.

She remained like this for a few more minutes, utterly broken. A poor, pathetic blue alicorn sitting alone in the snow. Before long, however, she was beginning to buck herself up. The tears stopped flowing and the trembling finally stopped.

Luna had to keep telling herself to look ahead and not dwell on the worst possible scenario. True, it was difficult, but if Sweetie were alive then Luna wasn't of much help if she were just sitting here like a pathetic husk of a pony.

Her next mission was clear, and she let nothing else enter her mind. She got to her hooves, turned to the left, and began to dash through the snow.

…

Luna had made her way down the mountain with nothing but steadfast resolution. She had followed the cliff's edge, keeping it to her right at all times, until the snow faded away and the cliff shrank into nothing.

As she moved, she kept a simple mental map of how far she had come. Once at the bottom, she would use it to find her way back to the area beneath where Sweetie had gone over.

The mere thought made her shiver.

She had found the bottom of the mountain, where the snow had once again abruptly ended. Beyond it, however, she had found something new. Rushing alongside the bottom of the cliff was a wide river, churning along swiftly with dirty, murky water. It had been clear simply from looking at it that it would be unsuitable for drinking.

Luna barely even gave much of anything a second thought. She crossed the river as quickly as she could and began running back alongside the bottom of the cliff. She continued to run as fast as she could until she had eventually found her way back to where she had started.

Though, in all honesty, there was no way to tell exactly where Sweetie had careened over. However, the princess felt confident that she had followed her mental map as best she could. This was the bottom of that same cliff.

There was no snow anywhere on the ground, but Luna reasoned that it could have all fallen into the river. It was both fairly wide and fairly deep at this portion, though it still rushed forward with ferocious speed. In crossing the river earlier, Luna had nearly been swept away.

Presently, the princess stood staring, conflicting thoughts in her mind. Having found that there was a deep river below the point where Sweetie had fallen had given her hope. Landing in the water would have greatly improved her chances of surviving. However, on the other hoof, Luna couldn't help but feel dread as she stared at the waters rushing past. Sweetie was nowhere to be seen, so that meant only two things. Either she had accomplished the impossible and swam to the shore where Luna now stood, or she had been swept away.

Not a second later, Luna was galloping back down the river. She kept her eyes peeled as she ran, trying to spot anything of interest through the darkness. She tried to keep grim thoughts from her mind by focusing entirely on her running. The darkened landscape flew past as the princess ran, determination set in her face.

It was broken up, however, by flashes of worried frowns. Try as she might, Luna couldn't help but think about what might have happened to her young companion. She herself had crossed at a notably shallow portion and had used some magic to steady herself against the torrent. Simply imagining the young, weak filly trying to swim in these waters made her grit her teeth and grimace. She could only hope that Sweetie had been able to make it shore somehow.

But then, she wondered, what if Sweetie hadn't fallen in the water at all. Though it seemed the most likely course of events, Luna had no way of knowing for sure. Perhaps one of those birds had come in and simply carried her away. Luna shut her eyes and tried to block out that thought.

If Sweetie had made it to shore, would she still be there? Any number of reasons could have been cause for her to move or be moved. If the river were to split apart at any point, she could have been taken either way. Luna would have no idea where to look.

Luna's breath caught in her throat. She realized that if Sweetie had drowned and sunk to the bottom of the river, then she could be looking for days and not even realize it. She tried to block out this thought as well, but it wouldn't leave her alone. This world was huge, visibility was poor, she had run out of clues, and there were an infinite number of variables.

A horrible, heavy feeling overcame her as she realized that she was now faced with a nigh-impossible task.

…

Luna couldn't remember how long she had been running. It had felt like at least four or five hours, but she had no idea. The river was still to her left, as it had been for the duration of her run. Still it continued on, and still it surged forward, though it did so with less intensity than before.

The princess was panting heavily. She was reaching her limits and was about to run out of stamina. She continued to push herself forward for as long as she could, but eventually she was forced to come to a stop. She hung her head and sucked in deep breaths of air, trying to quell the burning in her chest.

She was exhausted, and not just from the non-stop running. Her mind had been restless ever since she had found the top of the cliff. Running for hours on end in search of a tiny filly amongst this world of perpetual swirling darkness had only made her more and more troubled with every passing minute.

After a while, she rose her head up and slowly gazed at her surroundings, still panting heavily. As she expected, there was nothing interesting to see. The river coursed on to her left, and besides that there was nothing but dirt and darkness. As she stared out, she got that familiar dizzy feeling of staring off into the endless unknown. It made her feel small.

She turned back to look at the river. It was relatively mild now and could easily be forded. It had been like this for the past couple of kilometers. Her tired mind was beginning to realize that if Sweetie had been swept down the river to this point, then she would have been able to make it to shore by the time it was this calm.

Then again, however, if Sweetie had been injured, perhaps she had not.

An ungraceful moan slipped past her lips as her frown grew heavy and her heart began to ache. It was quickly becoming all too real to her just how foolish this was. Sweetie could be far down the river, chased from the shore, or even back at the beginning dead. Luna found herself standing in a huge, vast world covered in darkness, and she was looking for a single, tiny unicorn filly.

She fell to her haunches and stared ahead blindly. She let out a quiet whisper. "I'm never going to find her…"

A few tears fell to the ground. Luna could not do much more than sit there and shiver. The world seemed colder and darker than usual, and she felt like she was being swallowed up. She didn't want to believe it, but deep down she knew it was true. It was a harsh truth to swallow, and it hurt her so much.

Even if she were to spend every waking minute shouting Sweetie's name at the top of her lungs, she would still probably never come across her. The fact that she hadn't come across her already did not bode well. Sweetie had been whisked away somewhere, and Luna had less than a fraction of a chance to find her.

She hung her head and grimaced, trying to endure the pain in her heart. Though she would continue to hope for a miracle, Luna was almost certain that she would never see Sweetie Belle again. The odds were simply astronomically high.

Luna felt a spear drive itself right through her as she reached a decision. This was not a decision she would ever want to make, but there was little more she could do except to continue searching futilely until she ran out of strength and collapsed for good. Though she gladly would have, Luna knew it was not a sacrifice she could make

She would have to go on without her companion.

Luna shut her eyes as a wave of hurt cascaded over her. The horrible truth of the situation was not lost on her. She knew that by choosing to continue in her search for a way out of this world, she would be essentially condemning Sweetie Belle to death. So many pleading voices in her mind were begging her to reconsider and continue the search for the little unicorn.

Those voices, however, were drowned out by the rational thoughts of an ageless alicorn. Searching for Sweetie in this dangerous, eternally dark muck would be like searching for a needle in the vast ocean. It just couldn't be done.

Already, Luna was feeling horrible guilt. She got to her hooves, but her legs felt shaky. She felt drained and vulnerable. A thousand voices screamed at her that this was not right, but a thousand more reassured her that this was a situation where no decision was right.

Tears were still streaming down her face. She couldn't help but think of her young friend, remembering all they had been through already. She had promised Sweetie that she would get her home safely, hadn't she? Luna let out an empty sigh, silently apologizing for not keeping her promise.

She knew she had to get moving, and so she forced herself to take a step forward. With no better direction to choose, she decided that she would keep following the river until it ended. Beyond that, however, she could only hope and pray for a miracle.

She walked forward slowly, then she cantered, and then she slowed down again. Her head moved in all directions, and her mind was a mess. It was hard to focus. The only thing Luna could see was the little filly that was going to be left alone in the darkness forever.

Luna closed her eyes as tears streamed forth and ran forward.

…

The princess had been walking for hours. She had lost sight of the river and now found herself in a fairly open plain that was sparsely populated with trees. She had definitely come a long way from the mountain; there was no going back now.

She had not once stopped thinking about Sweetie Belle. She had to constantly remind herself that it would be useless to turn back and keep searching for her. She had to hammer the idea into her own head that turning back would be disastrous for them both.

As she trotted forward slowly, a cloud of gloom was following her. She wondered where Sweetie was right now, if she were still alive. Luna knew that thinking about the tragedy of her lost companion wouldn't do her any favours, especially in this unforgiving wasteland, but she couldn't help it. The image of the little unicorn's smiling face would not leave her subconscious.

She knew that she had tried her best, but her best was hardly anything in this place. There was an overwhelming concentration of absolutely nothing. Nothingness was everywhere. The entire world was empty. There were hardly any memorable landmarks, and anything that was memorable would be lost to the swirls of darkness.

It would be foolish to even attempt to look for anything.

But then, wasn't that what she was doing now? She was looking for a way home, wasn't she? Luna was once again reminded that she had no idea what she was presently searching for, nor which direction to go in order to find it. It was entirely possible that what she was looking for didn't exist, and she would be trapped here permanently.

Another heavy wave of guilt overcame her, and she questioned her actions for the 500th time that day. Millions of possible scenarios ran through her mind, most of which ended badly for one or both of them. She knew she had to keep calm and keep her mind focused. If she didn't she could very well lose her sanity.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered. Sometimes, it was all she could do to bring a semblance of peace to her troubled consciousness. "I'm so sorry…"

Luna had never expected it, but the young filly had been an anchor to her. Sweetie Belle had kept Luna grounded in this frightening, twisted world. With the filly on her back and in her company, it was easier to keep her mind straight and stave off irrational fear. She had been an invaluable companion.

The princess shivered as she realized that she was referring to Sweetie Belle in the past tense. Perhaps she was finally coming to accept the fact that the filly was simply gone.

But she didn't want to.

Luna stopped walking. She reached into her pocket dimension and took out a few tufts of grass to munch on. The eerie silence of this world was all the more prevalent now that she was alone once more. The simple absence of another soul's breathing made the silence all the more deafening.

She was alone. Though she would not readily admit it, she hated being alone, especially in times like this. Even simply standing here, she could feel herself less at ease than before. It felt like there were dark creatures all around her, waiting in the shadows and ready to strike. She could feel their invisible eyes, staring at her from every direction.

Beyond that, she was uneasy about the whole situation. Her hope was quickly diminishing with every step she took. To her, it seemed less and less likely that she would ever make it home. She was truly afraid of ending up trapped here forever, dying at the fangs of some beast and never seeing her loved ones again.

A horrible shiver passed through her when she realized that this scenario had already come true for Sweetie Belle. A few tears streaked down her cheeks.

She shook her head and began to gallop forwards. Luna knew that she couldn't afford to let herself get down. She had to focus on whatever she could do. She would keep searching for an exit, and she would do her best to look for Sweetie as she went, though it was merely hopeful thinking at this point. She couldn't let her emotions consume her, though it was harder to keep them in check on her own.

Luna ran for a couple more hours. As she cantered across the dark landscape, she did little more than let her eyes scan the area ahead of her. She was vigilant, ready to slam on the brakes at the first sign of anything noteworthy, but she came across no such thing.

Eventually she had to stop again. She now found herself surrounded by leafless trees. The entire area had a very spooky atmosphere to it, and Luna suppressed a shiver. The light of her horn danced amongst the bony branches in eerie ways, making it look like the trees were reaching out to grab her.

She had been on the move non-stop for more than 12 hours. She had been running ever since she had woken up atop the mountain. Though she wanted to keep moving forward, she had reached her limits. She stood amongst the trees panting.

As soon as she was no longer focused on running, her mind instantly went back to thinking about Sweetie Belle. Luna realized how unusual it felt to not have the filly on her back. Something about it just felt wrong by this point, after having traveled together for a little over a week.

She frowned, her heart aching. Luna began to wonder once again where Sweetie was right now. If she was alive, how was she faring? Would she be able to find food and water? Where would she sleep?

Luna tried to push the grim thoughts from her mind. Without the alicorn nearby, the odds did not look great for the little filly in this cold, unforgiving world. She tried not to think about what was most likely going to happen, if it had not happened already.

For now, it was time to rest. Luna trotted amongst the trees, looking up at their branches. Most of the trees looked sickly and rotted, long-dead remnants of some past. After a little browsing, she selected a tree whose branches looked strong enough. With a quick flap of her wings, she was standing atop one of the branches.

It sagged slightly, but seemed to hold her just fine. It was not all that thick, and Luna could tell that this would definitely not be a comfortable place to sleep. She let out an empty sigh, knowing that it would have to do.

She lay down on it, her legs dangling over the sides. Resting her head, she tried to relax herself but didn't have much luck. There was still so much guilt and sadness flowing all throughout her, and she couldn't shake the fear of this strange, dangerous world. Even up here in the tree, where most of the creatures she'd seen here would not be able to reach her, Luna did not feel the least bit safe. She knew she had to get some rest, but the idea did not thrill her.

She closed her eyes and tried to think happy thoughts. It seemed silly, but it was all she could do any more to keep herself from utter despair. She tried to think of life back home and happier times. She tried to think of the fun things she could do once things were back to normal.

However, her mind wouldn't let her relax so easily. It seemed that no matter what she tried to focus on, her thoughts were always brought back to Sweetie Belle. When she thought of her sister, she would then think about Sweetie's sister. Any thoughts about Ponyville led directly to thoughts of a town in mourning. She couldn't imagine the faces of everypony waiting for her back home, because she knew what they would look like when only one pony returned to them.

So instead, she tried to focus on her plan of action. It was not exactly calming, but it helped keep her mind preoccupied. Then again, there was little to plan at all. What more could she do than to keep trotting forward aimlessly in the dark? Was the village she had woken up in where she needed to go, or did her destination lie somewhere else?

Once again, she found herself wondering if there even was a destination for her.

An ungraceful whine slipped past her lips. The princess found herself utterly exhausted, but too agitated to sleep. There were far too many things on her mind. She had been pushed to limits that were never meant to have been reached. Overall, she was slowly losing both stamina and sanity. Eventually, she wouldn't be able to go any further.

It took her a couple of restless hours before she was finally able to drift off to sleep. Her slumber was dreamless.

…

Luna's ears perked up and her eyes shot open. Something wasn't right. Something about her immediate surroundings had changed, and she could immediately tell that it wasn't good.

Was the branch breaking? No, it still felt strong enough. She couldn't hear anything besides the chilly wind. What had awoken her?

Her leg twitched as she felt an itch on it. She ignored it, focusing on scanning her surroundings. It persisted however, growing rapidly from a tickly feeling to something more flat and pressing. Her head shot up as she realized that something was touching her hind leg. Something was grabbing it!

She whipped her head back. When she saw what was on her leg, she jumped and gasped in shock. Adrenaline and fear cascaded through her entire body as she saw the jet-black snake begin to coil itself around her rear leg. She tried to move it away, but it suddenly tightened its grip. "Ah!" Luna exclaimed, spreading her wings to flee.

Then the rest of the snake pounced.

It coiled itself around her with frightening speed, squeezing around the bases of her wings and clutching her midsection. It hissed viciously, baring its sharp fangs. Luna cried out in distress, trying to flap her wings and struggling against the strong bonds of the snake's body. She flailed her hooves wildly, but the snake was gripping her too tightly. All she ended up doing was tumbling off the edge of the branch.

She impacted the ground in a large fwump, uttering a guttural cry of pain. Though she had landed on part of the snake's body, it didn't let up in the least, continuing to coil around her. Luna's whole torso hurt, and her head was spinning. The tight, painful grip of the snake made her grit her teeth in agony. She had to escape!

Immense, fiery pain ripped through her chest before she was able to teleport a short distance away, freeing herself. She stifled a moan of pain and held a hoof to her chest, but its pressure only helped a little. Blood was dripping from the wound, coating her hoof in a matter of seconds. She stared with a pained expression as the snake righted itself on the ground and glared at her, hissing threateningly.

Her mind was quickly being clouded with the dizziness of pain, but she fought through it. She needed to stay vigilant. The snake launched itself forward, fangs bared and ready to strike. Luna did what little she could; she stepped back to avoid the strike and hit it with a kinetic spell. Though aggressive, this creature was a lot smaller than the others she had faced, and so was flung quite far back from her strike.

She was awarded a brief window of opportunity, and she took it. Luna turned tail and fled.

She used her wings to escape so that she could continue to hold her hoof to her chest. Her wings still ached after they had been squeezed so hard, but she could still perform a low-altitude flight. She could feel the blood flowing past her hoof at an alarming rate. Her whole forehoof was warm and sticky.

Luna needed to stop the blood loss before she passed out. She pulsed a magic spell through her horn and across her body, focusing it on the wound and closing it up. She didn't have the focus to completely heal it while she was fleeing for her life, but at least the blood was no longer flowing.

Her ears then perked up as she heard a familiar sound. Incredulous, she turned to look back at the source of the hissing noise.

Luna cursed when she saw the snake was following her. More than that, it was keeping up with her. The damn thing was slithering along the ground at an unbelievably fast pace. She was absolutely floored. No snake could move that fast.

Her eyes shrank to dots as she realized she had been wrong once again. It was catching up to her.

It launched itself at her once again, just barely missing her hind legs. The missed strike didn't seem to slow it down, and it was once again right on her tail.

Luna quickly righted herself in midair and landed on the ground facing her foe, skidding back slightly. She sent a weak kinetic spell at it to stall it and halt its approach. Her horn was glowing brightly as she faced down her opponent. The snake recovered from the blow and held its ground, rearing up and coiling as if ready to strike at any moment.

The alicorn didn't attack immediately. She simply stood watching, waiting. Beads of sweat poured down her face as she glared at the creature. Her head was still swimming, but she focused all of her strength into standing her ground and keeping her spell ready.

The snake sprung, launching itself towards her. Luna reacted almost immediately. She took a short leap into the air, not even high enough to clear the snake's striking path. Before it could reach her, however, she fired a powerful kinetic spell at it. The angle of her strike sent it back down to the ground, landing painfully in the dirt.

Luna landed as well and was instantly upon the snake. Before it could even react, she reared up on her hind legs and brought both of her forehooves down on the creature's head.

Finally, calmness prevailed. The only sound that could be heard was Luna's panting. She stared at it for a moment with an emotionless expression, then closed her eyes and caught her breath. She turned and galloped away, leaving the dead creature behind.

As she ran through the darkness, gritting her teeth in pain, she tried to angle her neck down to look at the wound on her chest. She was greeted with the grisly sight of dried blood all over her fur. As she had suspected, the creature had bitten her.

She lit up her horn and built another healing spell; a more powerful one that required more focus. She continued to run forward, letting the spell take form in her horn so that she could properly close up and heal the wound. It was fairly deep, though it was nothing she couldn't handle. It stung like the flames of Tartarus though.

Suddenly her magic fizzled out and she nearly toppled over. She vocalized her distress as she tried to regain her balance. Everything had suddenly become fuzzy and blurry, and she had completely lost focus on her magic. The pain in the bite wound was getting worse.

She tried to brush it off and keep moving forward, but her sudden symptoms only got worse. She began to shiver violently. The uncontrollable quivering was a horrifying sensation, especially since she was beginning to lose her vision. She felt like vomiting, and nearly did, and she could feel her joints buckling below her.

A curse slipped past her lips as she tried once more to course magic through her horn. Even her light spell was dying out. She could feel her entire body shutting down on her, sending waves of panic through her. She couldn't breathe. A moment later, she was collapsed on the ground.

As she lay there, shivering and trying to breathe, she could still feel the horrible pain from the bite wound. It felt like two daggers stabbed straight into her chest, compliments of the snake's two large fangs. The world around her faded to complete darkness and she struggled to take in a breath. Before she lost consciousness completely, a single, terrifying thought permeated her mind.

Snakes are usually venomous.

…

"Tis incredible is it not, sister?"

"I suppose so, Luna…"

"However didst thou accomplish this? Tis outstanding!"

"Luna, be careful…"

"She's fine, Your Highness. Everything is under control, and-"

CRACK!

"Aah!"

"What happened?!"

"Everypony get back! Stay back!"

"Ahh…! AHH!"

"What's going on??"

"I…I don't know! It's become destabilized somehow! Hang on!"

"Everypony!"

"Luna!"

"Celestia! Aah!"

"Waaaah!!"

"Stay near me, ponies!"

"Everypony to Celestia!"

"Help! Heeelp!! Aaaah!!"

"Sweetie Belle!!"

"I can't…! Aaaahhh!!"

"Sweetie Belle, I'm coming!!"

"No, don't! You can't!"

"But-!"

"I've got her!"

"Luna!!"

"Hold on, young one!"

"Luna, no!!"

"Waaaaaahhh~!"

"Rrr…! Hang on….Sweetie…I have you…!"

"Luna!!!"

"Princess, no!"

"Hold on, Sweetie!"

"I…can't…!"

"Aaaah! No!"

"We're losing her too!"

"Luna, hold on!!"

"Tia…!"

"No!!"

"Aaahhhhhhhhh-"

"Luna…!"

"Sweetie Belle!!"

"LUNA!!!"

Comments

[BlndDog]

"the bottom the mountain"- little things like this are pretty hard to catch unless you go over your writing with a fine-toothed comb.

"Immense pain ripped through her chest before she was able to teleport a short distance away, freeing herself. She stifled a moan of pain and held a hoof to her chest. Blood was dripping from the wound, coating her hoof in a matter of seconds. She stared with a pained expression as the snake righted itself on the ground and glared at her, hissing threateningly.

Fiery pain was erupting all through her chest. The pressure of her hoof only staved it off a little bit. Her mind was quickly being clouded with the dizziness of pain, but she fought through it. She needed to stay vigilant against foes."

In segments like this where you're trying to describe action and sensation, I find it useful to come back to the first draft and read it again. The number of times that "pain" is used here really breaks the rhythm. At this point, it's not so much about finding synonyms as it is finding new ways to construct your sentences. You couldn't throw in "agony", but I don't think you even need to directly acknowledge pain so many times. If you were to say something like "her eyes burned with hot tears, and a veil was descending over her overtaxed mind", there's the advantage of leaving some ambiguity for your readers. The pain is already obvious, but in a statement like that I might also glean fatigue, panic and fear. Of course, this is retrospective on my part, but it's something to keep in mind.

I'll also comment on the pacing in this chapter. You seem to be deliberately trying to slow down and really dig into Luna's thoughts, but there are a few obvious places where you could've done more for dramatic effect, and others where it could've been smoother. For example, "Something fast and sweeping…like an avalanche" can be broken into 2 paragraphs to drive home the terrifying implications.

For a case where the convolution was a bit much, consider this:

"The princess didn't want to believe it. She couldn't accept what she had found here, and yet it was right here before her. The avalanche had taken her companion and swept her right off the face of the cliff. Sweetie Belle was gone."

The second sentence sounds a bit forced; it's not exactly a great innovation compared to "The princess didn't want to believe it", so I personally don't think it deserves it's own sentence. Again, this is just how I would construct it personally, but here goes:

"The princess didn't want to believe it; couldn't accept it, though evidence stared her in the face. She couldn't accept what she had found here, and yet it was right here before her.

The avalanche had taken her companion and swept her right off the face of the cliff.

Sweetie Belle was gone."

Again, by splitting up the initial denial, the evidence and the realization, you can convey that feeling that the world is grinding to a halt.

Mechanics aside, DID THEY GET SENT TO THIS HELL HOLE BY CELESTIA'S BOTCHED EXPERIMENT? AND SNAKE MONSTER! AHHH! Can't wait to see where this is going. Although I think I'm overstepping my boundary as a reader, I'm going to make a suggestion: do something with the monster.

In a lot of stories, monsters are one-shot things; the heroes outrun it, and you just forget about it after a while. I suggest you give this snake some personality. Think of it more as a villain than a monster, and try to make it a little more alive. A giant snake isn't just an environmental hazard like an avalanche; it has desires and fears and needs. Think about the mythology of snakes as you write, and think about why these ideas came to be. I think it'll help you create a monster that stands out in a universe filled with monsters.

And that's my thoughts in a coconut shell.

[Diespitris]

Yay! Update!

I'm really, really glad that we're starting to get sneak-peeks into what actually happened and how Luna and Sweetie Belle ended up in the dark world. Makes me excited for the next chapter!

[GigaBowser]

4230869 Thank you for your insight, I have taken your suggestions into consideration and made a few changes to this chapter. Thank you for reading, and I hope you continue to enjoy!

[raw19]

Been awhile since i've seen a snake in a story and even longer since i've seen a scary one.

Even Orochimaru never came close.

Such soul-wrenching, tear-rending, awesomeness in this chapter and now her memories are returning?! I can't wait to see what happens next and to find out Sweetie Belles fate!

Most excellent.

[ferret]

Of course it's Twilight's fault.