Rarity
Chapter 5: Rarity
Written by: Bookworm Guardian
It was all too much, seeing Fluttershy’s coffin being lowered. I tried to stay as lady-like as I could during the ordeal-attempting to be strong for the others, but to no avail- and keep my composure. Seeing my dearest friend’s final resting place being set up though… I couldn’t help it; I wept, and I wept strongly for as soft as some said I sounded. I could feel my eyeliner running down my muzzle and staining my dress, but I didn’t really care. There is a time and place for those things, and this was not it. After the final rites were given, the five of us met up for a moment. My attention was elsewhere though; I can’t recall what anypony was saying, nor if I spoke at all. I think Rainbow Dash recalled a story, then began guilting herself. I really do feel for her; she was even closer to Fluttershy than I was. Then Applejack spoke up to calm her. Sometimes I really envied the pair, AJ and Rainbow. They were much closer to each other than any of the rest of us could ever be. They had each other, while my only constant companion is Sweetie Belle. Well, her and that rock that keeps appearing in my backyard. Honestly, I have no idea who keeps moving it. Anyways, that is beside the point.
Even while these thoughts made fleeting passes through my subconscious, all I could think of was the looks on all of the faces of those around me. There were the Cakes, Lyra, and even Princess Celestia attended the wake and funeral. All around me were the looks of sadness and regret, especially on Pinkie. The poor dear was even worse off than that day she thought we’d abandoned her. I knew that she would be beating herself up over not being with Fluttershy during her final moments; the girl lived to make ponies smile, and she felt that she had failed one of her truest friends by not being by her side. Tears fell freely from all of us, but I believe the most tears were shed by Rainbow, Pinkie, the Princess, and I.
After we departed, I went into my boutique, turned the sign to Closed, then locked myself in my room, where I laid in my bed and cried as hard as I could. It would be very near sunset before I arose from my grief induced stupor. After which I dragged myself out of my puddle of sadness and half-heartedly refixed my mane. That’ll have to do for now, I guess, I thought as I looked at my disheveled appearance in the mirror. I knew I’d hate myself later for looking so mangy, but I honestly didn’t give enough of a buck to do anything at that point.
I was fortunate enough that the group had enough forethought to send Sweetie Belle and her friends off on a sleepover for the night; I would not have wanted her to see me in this way. The whole ordeal was hard enough on the kids as it stood, and she didn’t want to add on to her sister’s grief. After I had dried out my tear reservoirs, I hobbled into my dining room and poured myself a cup of Sugar Smoke tea; I was indifferent about the type, but it had been Fluttershy’s favorite. I savored each sip of the smoky and sweet flavor of the brew as I thought upon all of the memories I could recall of our time together: our spa days, every tea time we had, all of the escapades we shared with the other girls, even that time she’d modeled for Photo Finish, though I will admit that wasn’t… one of my finest moments with her… and eventually the final picnic we all shared. She had been complaining of wing cramps…
Oh Celestia, I can’t do it… I thought as I broke down once more, my tears streaking from my face and into my empty tea cup. I couldn’t take it, I had to go back! I quickly grabbed a coat and sprinted out of my home as fast as my hooves could carry me, for once not caring what I looked like, and hauled tail to the gravesite. I wouldn’t let it end this way; I had to see her at least once more! I slowed down as I got near the graveyard, and I was surprised to see Pinkie Pie there, tears running down her face; I heard her say, “Goodbye, Fluttershy,” as she walked away. She looked absolutely dreadful; her mane and tail were flat and disheveled, and her eyes were bloodshot. If she noticed me, she made no showing of it. I hesitantly stepped toward the plot of dirt that hid my passed friend; my closest friend. Words found there way to my lips slowly and begrudgingly, as if my mind were trying to stop me from talking to the grave.
“Um… hello, Fluttershy,” I said in a whisper, “I… I don’t really know what to say right now, other than I-I’m… so sorry.” Liquid began pooling in my vision once more as I choked out, “I wish that I could have been there to see you one more time… I wish that there was something we could’ve done, that I could’ve done. You- you always brought out the best in me, you know? You were always that gentle, supple voice of reason when my generosity got… out of hoof. I don’t know where I’d be without you.” I couldn’t see clearly anymore; my vision was clouded by tears and memories resurfacing. All I could see was the grave, the butterflies, the epitaph, and Fluttershy’s smiling face. As I saw her, my mouth forced itself upward into something of a hollow smile. “I just want to say… thank you, and… goodbye, Fluttershy.”
I walked from the grave, my smile fading, along with most everything else, save for a lone thought. I’d just had an idea for a new line; this would be my Grey Period...
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This deserves all the likes it has gotten, gets, and will get.
3715360 first comment manages to make my day... Best. New Years. EVER! Thank you for that! I'm glad you liked it!
-Devastation
3715363
Hey, have a happy New Year too
Also, *hugs*
3715410 yay hugs!
*hugs back*
3715449 yeah, I do good? At portraying her I mean?
Seeing how well this is doing, if this gets into the featured stories box could someone screenshot it and pm it to me?
Is there going to be a Discord chapter? Or a Celestia chapter?
3716276
3716211
That is a good idea. Would you be up for a follow up, my friend?
3716306 follow up? Hmmmmm............ Maybe. I'll think about it.
3716321
If you do decide, tell me about it please. I'd really like to work with you on something like this again!
3716332 I think we should, even if it's just me and you, we should do it.
3716379
I agree. How shall we go about it, though?
3716411 same as before I guess. We just pick from a pool of characters and write from there
3716416
Alright. I'll PM you with a list of characters I'd like to do, and we could work from there. I mean, if that's what you'd like to do...
3716427 that will work. We should take turns picking one by one, just so that there is no arguing over who gets who
Damn you're good
3720099 we try.
Someone add this to Twilight's Library please? I can't do it from my phone
Got lured in, so lessee! Can't go wrong with a five person collab. Should be an interesting variation of styles.
Chapter 1 seems to be okay, if a bit flat from a character perspective. I don't really get much of a sense that everyone is acting at all like themselves. Even a super-sad version of themselves. (Though I do like super-subdued Rarity, and the idea that she's beyond her wailing histrionics!)
It felt, in a few places, like there were edits or something whose changes didn't flow down to affect the story. The Mane 6 tell Dash not to blame herself, when there's no sign that she was.
Even if people respond to it weird, Dash's daredevil fatalism is a highpoint, I think.
There's a few minor mechanical quibbles. Little things like 'she says' instead of 'she asks' after a question.
Also, that random AppleDash seems reeaaaaaaaaally out of place. And this coming from a person that likes AppleDash. Shoehorning a romance angle in on a griefy sadfic is just mood-whiplash.
Chapter 2 is in desperate need of a proofer. The writer needs to step away from the comma key—which is likely worn down to a nub—and learn to love periods. The whole first paragraph is an enormous sprawling run-on. There are others too. But at least the author's very minimalistic style mostly doesn't provide the opportunity for them.
This one chapter telly beyond belief, and incredibly robotic sounding for it.
Also, what's with that Pinkamena reference? It seems weird. There's no reason to think that Pinkie thinks of herself like that. Straight-maned Pinkie is never called Pinkie in canon. It's just one of the sillier parts of fanon that doesn't really belong in a serious fic.
Repeating half of Chapter 1 verbatim was a reeeeeally questionable idea. It's a short fic. We read that whole exchange not two minutes ago.
Also, listing long strings of characters off is really kind of awkward.
Sorry Chapter 2 author, I think this one is my least favorite.
Chapter 3 is again a bit telly. And very bare-bones, with essentially no description at all. Are you guys working on a word count limit or something?
I don't really have an objection to anything that happens, and Twi panicking and fretting and researching is very Twi (though why is she so surprised that the disease she's told is incurable has no cure? Did she think the doctors, like, hated Flutters and just wanted her to die for no reason?). But with so little other than lists of plain action to go on, it's hard to really feel sympathetic or connected.
Though, there were certainly parts that glimmered. Twi's moral flailings over the painkilling spell was probably the most interesting bit. And the end was the most recognizably in-character thing we've seen so far in this story.
Good call on not retelling the graveyard scene, too.
Chapter 4 is pretty much instantly the best. It takes the time to... well... set the mood, in a piece that's supposed to be emotional. And it establishes the character. AJ is usually a pretty dull character, but here her dark, acerbic grumpiness and irrationality is really interesting to read.
Also, hell, I love Mac just weathering AJ's bile until it hits a nerve, and he snaps. He gets a bit talkier than we usually expect. But we've seen that canonically before. So I can buy it.
Admitted though, I kinda hated AJ a bit by the end. All the anger and pain at the start? That I could understand. And even love. People handle grief badly, and clearly is one of them. Basically teasing Mac with what he could never have, and what he missed out on? That's all a bit of a bitch move.
Chapter 5's first impression is of being a giant wall of text. Breaking things up into smaller paragraphs would really help.
We could have done without the Tom reference. There's a time and a place for cartoonish insanity, y'know? And during a funeral in a sadfic is probably not it.
Otherwise, while it's a bit dry and telly, this chapter is probably my favorite after 4. Because again, it focuses a lot on the character. It spends time on thought process, and on characterization. It feels like Rarity is doing these things, in small ways. Fixing her mane. Worrying about her mascara. Trying to put up a front, but still being overwhelmed by her emotion. Impulsively running off to the grave site. Things like that.
Like chapter 4, it ends off on a 'life goes on' note, and that's good. The others have been a bit abrupt. It's such a tiny thing, but it dovetails a quick chapter like this nicely.
3754804 I still don't see any dislikes, so I say we did ok. I will go and fix chapter 2 though.
3755167
Didn't get one from me, either, clearly.
Clearly there's some wide gulfs of experience amongst the authors. But everyone is at that phase at some point. And there's nothing terribly egregious, unforgivable, or distasteful. Just by and large needs more descriptive text through most of the chapters, to thin out the 'I did this. Then I did that. Then I went there.' thing.
The most questionable thing really is just the repetition in chapter 2.
3755253 I gave the others the option of having their chapter take place either during or after mine (Rainbow Dash's). He clearly chose during.
That was tragically beautiful
Great collaboration!
3809402 just wait for the sequel; "Grief of the Gods" written by myself and Bookworm Guardian
3811580 also, this is approved for Celestia's Library? SQUEE!!!
Well I cried.
3811601 of course you did. 'Twas the point of the entire story
i realize that. I just wanted to let you know you succeeded. Oh! I almost forgot why I started reading this.
tinyurl.com/llaz5ct
This story is 100% Celestia approved. Welcome to Celestia's Library
3811676 happy... All I can say...
Now I'm not trying to jinx this or anything, but I'm surprised that this is my only story with not a single downvote. Thanks guys, thanks a lot.
3755253 one little thing; you asked about a word count, and yes we did have one. It had to be at LEAST 1,000 words. If it were longer it didn't really matter, just so long as it was 1,000 words.
Ah fuck. I see you found someone better to do the coverart. Fantastic story, I'm so sorry I couldn't get what you needed
3865665 lol it's ok.
Omg why why fluttershy?
I cried so much
This story...
mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Avatar-The-Last-Airbender-Feels-Gif.gif
5841111 I see we have done our job, then.
5841125 The execution was perfect and every authors chapter did an excellent job of staying in character... Seriously, I need to read another one of ya fics! Do ya got any recommendations?
5841135 depends on what you're into. Horror crossovers: Dead Space: Contact or Extraterrestrial
AppleDash: A Hearth's Warming to Remember, Hearth's Warming Traditions, The Burning in My Heart, etc. (pretty much every story I published)
Vampires: Flutterbat's Return (I'd honestly highly recommend that one since it's my most popular)
5841167 Hmm, horror crossovers sounds just about my speed. And idk, I might have already read your flutterbat story... I might have to re read it because I don't remember.
Feels...
it's infectious y'know?
THIS MADE ME CRY!!!