Dead and Gone

by Raidah

Applejack

Chapter 4: Applejack

Written by: Chrono_Ryono

"It ain't fair, Mac" I muttered bitterly, shamelessly pouring myself another glass of cider in a vain attempt to drown my sorrows. Before today I wouldn't have been caught dead wasting away at the table drinking myself into oblivion and whining about things I couldn't help. Today? I just didn't rightly have the strength to care. "It just ain' buckin' fair!"

What? Of course I meant it. I am the almighty Element of Honesty, after all. Not to say that sacred bond necessarily means a damn thing now that one of us is gone, of course, but it's about the only thing I have left - besides Rainbow, of course. If anythin', it's her love and my 'destiny' that keep me tethered to life... and help to remind me of happier times.

"It rarely is, sis," Mac replied coolly without actually averting his gaze from the stove. For a moment I felt a pang of anger, but it cooled off just in time for another swig of the good stuff. He's the real workhorse around here, slaving away to keep things running while I wallow in self-pity. I'm just happy Rainbow was so willing to give me some space, lest she see me like this...

"What damn bit'a good does it do tellin' me that?" I snapped. Childish, I know. Like I said, this wasn't the day to think rationally. I can be a stubborn old mule when I set my mind to it, and I just so happened to be in that mood. Sure, the funeral was two days ago now, but that doesn't mean the memory isn't fresh. "Y'think I'm some kinda stupid filly, not knowin' that?"

I resisted the urge to sweep the bottle and glass off the table, knowing I'd have to get up off my flank and get another bottle if I did so. Plus I'd have to clean it up... since, as they say, life goes on. Anypony who says that without experiencing the loss of somepony like Fluttershy can go to hell, by the way.

I continued my tirade, even as Big Mac stared calmly into my hateful, blurry eyes - weathering the storm, so to speak. "Some nonsense 'bout a disease that only targets pegasi! And it only seems to go after nice pegasi who don't deserve a damn bit of it!" My own words stung in that moment, briefly halting my rant, as memories flooded back to me like a storm of my own tears.

I'd criticized Rainbow for usin' her wings in those competitions... never once knowing that simply having them opened a pony up to this. I know she bears no hard feelings about it, but I can't shake the guilt; no amount of love, affection, or erotic third-drawer roleplay can ever make up for that.

Internal musing aside, I wasn't finished. Oh boy was I not finished. "Y'know how it feels, havin' to fear... to worry that someday..." I forced these next words out, despite every fibre of my being refusing to acknowledge them, "... Rainbow might come down with the same? Y'know what that's like? 'Course not..."

I was genuinely startled as Mac's tranquil expression shifted to one of pure wrath. He closed the distance between us in an instant, and slammed his forehooves on the table. The harsh glare in his eyes was almost enough to sober me up, then and there, but I was feeling feisty enough to show my iron by not flinching.

"Now you listen here," he growled, ignoring the crack in his own voice. In a sudden bout of clarity I immediately wanted to take back the crap I'd just spouted, but even that wouldn't get me out of this. I knew he cared for Fluttershy nearly as much as I did. Honesty - a blessing, or a curse? "Don't ya go tellin' me ah don't know what it's like, sis! You weren't even this tall when ah had to watch mah— our buckin' parents die! Yer not the only one who takes issue with how cruel nature can be, so don't go throwin' that nonsense in mah face! Don't you dare."

I settled into a sort of catatonic silence, sulking back to my drink. Luckily, Mac opted to let me, even though he'd have been well within his rights to hurl that goddamn bottle against the wall and smack some sense into me.
Instead, his rage tapered off as quickly as it came, and he swiftly retrieved a glass and took the other seat.

"Don't you go drinkin' too much more'a that," he said. It wasn't the nicest tone he's ever spoken to me in, but hey, he was still calming down. Still, before I had the chance to grumpily tell him to shove it, I realized what he actually meant. He grabbed the bottle and poured himself a glass. "Ah need to get a shot or two in mahself."

"Mac, ah'm sorry-"

"We all are," he cut me off, swigging his cider like the hardest drinking pony you'll ever lay eyes on. "That's what we have'ta live with after the fact. Ah've been livin' with it almost yer entire life. Y'know how?"

I shook my head.

"By focusin' on the good," he stated matter-of-factly, like he was teaching a small filly how to wash her mane. "Ah'm not gonna baby ya, sis. Fluttershy's gone, and we're all gonna miss her. We'll miss her the rest of our lives; time doesn't heal all wounds, ah'm afraid. But, what good memories do ah have about ma and pa? What good things do ya remember about Fluttershy?"

"Well..." I pondered my next words carefully. What good things didn't I remember? "Ah remember when we first met. She was too shy to try mah apples until ah insisted. Couldn't bring herself to admit how much she loved 'em, but ah could see it in her eyes. Sometimes ah wonder if she had fruit bat blood in her..."

Where the hay did that last part come from? Oh well, roll with it. The mood was improving, and I was damn sure to keep it that way.

"As ah recall, that was the day ya first laid eyes on her..." I teased with a devious, yet clearly inebriated grin.

"Yup," he replied with a smile. Any other day there'd be a huge blush to go with it, but the gravity of our recent past would allow none of it. He wore his composure like a mask of respect and maturity.

I stared at my cider glass, and almost considered tipping it out. He was being a hell of a lot more mature than I was, that was for sure.
"In fact," I suddenly declared, as a pertinent and particularly prominent memory came to the forefront. "There was this one time when ah pressured her into havin' a drink of cider with me." I cringed as I remembered how uncomfortable she was... at first. That's mitigated by how into it she got practically the moment the alcohol touched her tongue. "... Lemme just say things got awkward real fast."

"Oh?" Mac asked, his eyebrows and ears perking.

"We, uh... got onto the subject of... well, crushes." I rolled my eyes pre-emptively, expecting him to take a playful jab at that. It never came, leaving me looking like a bit of a dullard, so I covered it with a cough and continued. "In exchange for spillin' the beans about mah... certain somepony - before ah came to love Rainbow, ah mean - she told me about the stallion she'd had her eyes on for some time. Made me Pinkie Promise never to tell anypony about it, ever."

I decided to leave it at that, in case the look in my eyes gave things away a little too heavily. I tried to get to my hooves, noticing how they'd lost almost all their feeling.

"Th-thanks, bro..." I muttered, noticing his hasty attempt to help me balance. My anger had subsided - somewhat - but all that left was a void the cider was more than happy to fill. The best course of action for now was, obviously: "Ah think I'm gonna go sleep this off..."

"Good idea," he replied, moving to help me before I stumbled into something. "Question, though."

"Hrm?"

"Who was it?"

I shook my head, smiling gently. I wasn't exactly sure whose crush he was asking about, but it didn't matter. "No can do, Mac. Like ah said, we promised... Pinkie Promised, at that, to take our secret to the graves."

You know, it was a little easier to say that than I thought it'd be. It still hurt, but not as soul-crushingly as before. It would never become easy, but hey, every journey begins with the first step.

"Fluttershy held on tah that secret for the rest of her life, just as promised. Ah'd sooner trade places with her than betray that trust."

Yes, there was a chance that someday I could tell him guilt-free. Possibly. What really mattered now was that I still had the gift of life, and the time to decide... and tomorrow, I was going to use some of that precious time wisely. I was going to show Rainbow just how much I truly loved her.

It's what Fluttershy would have wanted.

Author's Note:

So, this is Chrono_Ryono's chapter. I think I liked this the most out of the three I was sent.

-Devastation