Long ago, in the magical land of Equestria, ponies were close-minded and against the other races. Zebras, deer, griffons, mules, all were target for their hatred. And this extended outwards to other ponies too.
One alicorn rose up. With her powerful magic, she brought eternal night, for reasons which have been lost over the course of history. And the sun has never risen since.
One thousand years later, the heir to the changeling throne, Chrysalis, dreams of seeing the sun. She learns of a way to overthrow the cruel Nightmare Moon, but she cannot do it alone.
Meanwhile, a draconequus, freed from his stone bindings, awakens. But the world is not as he remembers it. Seeking to right the wrongs of the world so he can bring chaos and a spark to the lives of the ponies, he also sets out to dethrone the mistress of the night.
And six wayward ponies, from different walks of life, scattered across Equestria. Each with a life, each with problems.
The sun will rise again.
Cover art drawn by me, but if anyone has anything better, I would love it.
This...
This will be awesome.
I'm a sucker for non-evil Chrysalis, and the premise is excellent!
Nice intro,
The pacing seems pretty good so far as we hear the story from Chrysalis.
What plans to be the main plot of the story though? Revolution?
3630984 Pretty much, yeah
I have a strong feeling that this is gonna be a great ride.
This is like all overdone bad ideas make in one big GOOD one :D I can't belive how bad and in same time how good that premise sounds.
If this plot is headed in the direction I think it is going than this should be and excellent story!
I liked it and favorited it.
I can't wait for more of this story
Epic written all over, the emotional strain gladly reflected, the history nearly impeccably sound and the who
E universe in a strain and chain of events. Sounds too good to not read.
"The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding." ~ Albert Camus
Already favorited and can't wait to read the complete story.
YOU WANT CRITISIM, HERE'S IT.
GIVE. ME. MORE.
Seriously, MORE
Let's get this party started...
This is really cool! You introduced this different reality very smoothly and made me believe it, while showing me this different side to Chrysalis. Not only is this story already amazing in itself, but Discord will be in it! :D I can't wait for the next part to this interesting story!
this is getting too good.
This is looking very good so far. I am very curious to see where you go with it.
I don't trust Lepidoptera. Chrysalis should take Wasp with her anyway.
Okay, that's it. I like alternate universe stories as they are very liberating. No canon to tie down your imagination, the world your blank slate upon which you doodle and sketch.
I hope you keep on with this story.
Fave, upvote and a watch from me.
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An AU, eh? They're always pretty interesting to deal with. I guess that means...
IT'S REVIEWIN' TIME
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Technical Stuff and Things
You'll be pleased to note that your spelling seems to be pretty good. The rest of the syntax, however, is a mixed bunch. Very little is objectively wrong, per se, just difficult to read.
The opening infodump suffers a pretty bad case of beige prose, in that Chrysalis' voice carries no real emotional weight. It's also worth pointing out that this section is also rather telly. She sounds less like someone telling a story to children and more like someone reading a shopping list. "The ponies hurt other races. The ponies hurt each other. The other races hurt each other too. It was bad." Chrysalis is supposed to be setting up the backdrop of a grand tale, creating the world in which she's telling the children all live, and how things came to be as they are. She needs to impress how the creatures who lived back then felt in order to reach the kids, unless the little lings are completely alien.
This is further compounded by her referring to her own species as "the changelings" in every instance, making it seem like she has no relation to the faction. A quick rephrasing to reflect her intended audience is something I'd recommend, for the intro, as well as focussing more on the emotional aspects of things. Don't tell us they were kicked in the shins, tell us about the blinding stabs of pain shooting up her now-broken leg, or whatever.
Future Plum edit: Yeah, robotic narration/dialogue is a recurring theme. Chrysalis telling children that things are "highly illegal" is odd, for example.
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You really need some more indication of a scene change. Some authors use asterisks in the centre of the page, but fimfic has a handy horizontal rule code. Just type [hr ] when you plan on shifting the location, subject or time like that.
The Bit with the Story and Stuff
Now, Alternative Universe is a genre that generates quite a lot of discussion. To start with, every single story on this site is technically AU to some small degree, but that's more pedantry than anything else.
What's very important when writing an AU fic is that the world you make needs to be believable. There needs to be some justification as to why Discord is the good guy, or why everyone travels by airship, or whatever. The aim is to let the reader see where the story you're writing breaks away from the show, while still feeling like a reasonably natural progression.
And as far as this story goes, I can't honestly say you've managed this. In the first few paragraphs, we have a loving, gentle Chrysalis preach about how ponies were evil, and they "[hunted] griffons for sport, drove away zebras, destroyed traditional buffalo stampeding grounds, and perhaps worst of all, burned and pillaged changeling hives." That's about as far from what's been shown in-show as can be. And yes, I'm aware that in-show they did drive away a zebra from ponyville, and Appleoosa encroached on Buffalo territory, but the first was arguably unrelated to her race (instead being about how she just went around glowering at people from beneath a hooded cloak) and the latter was out of ignorance. These ponies are painted as being downright evil. I mean, hunting other sentient creatures for fun? That's some serial-killer shit, right there. Especially for a race of vegetarians.
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And don't even get me started on the inter-pony brutality. The three groups have been shown as conflicting, yes, but snapping horns off of unicorns while they slept? Jesus. Bit of a step up from yelling at each other from across a table.
Wait, I thought the ponies were hunting the gryphons for sport at this point? That's one hell of a weird truce.
Also, I'm mildly concerned that the Buffalo, a race that are clearly an analogy for Native Americans, are shown as nothing but destructive thieves. I mean, as soon as night fell, everyone else tried to come up with ways of surviving. The Buffalo, however, stole the Zebra's mould for a bit, then rampaged across the land for a while, before stealing some more stuff from the ponies/zebras, and running away.
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Chryssy seems to flip from hurt anger to desperate pleading a bit too quickly, for my taste. And even quicker than that was how soon the Queen relented. Doesn’t quite sit right with me, I’m afraid.
Characters and Other Thingamabobs
As mentioned above, Chrysalis seems rather robotic, and really rather different from what we’ve seen in-show. I normally don’t mind an alternate interpretation of a character, but the ones I like need to have reasons for their change, and “It’s an alternate universe” is a bit too hand-wavey for me. Sure, something might have happened that means she’s not the same person, but you need to at least hint at something like that for it to work as intended.
Young Wasp wasn’t really around much, but he seemed to be alright. I liked how you included spelling mistakes in his school report. Otherwise, seems to be a pretty standard generic overachieving kid, with nothing really done wrong.
The Queen is your pretty standard stern-but-caring mother, nothing really wrong there. Just that she doesn’t really stick to her guns, caving in to her daughter’s every wish once Chrys starts to plead. Needs some smoothing out.
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General Doohickeys
First impressions are always important, which is why it's a bit iffy that my first thought upon encountering this story is Night's Favoured Child, except with Chrysalis. Having read it, I can appreciate that's not the case in the story, but that doesn't change what it seemed to be on the outside. Perhaps more of a focus on Chrysalis is needed, seeing as that’s what the story does?
The use of nymph as a name for young changelings is a new one, and one I quite like. Good to see something other than larva, or pupa for once. Same goes for noling and similar.
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I’m not entirely how this hivemind you’ve got in this works, if I’m honest, but it sounds like it has potential. Could I get some clarification?
At the moment, it seems like everyone has their own thoughts, can tap into a communal Hivemind at will, and one-to-one connections can be established if needed. But if so, there are a few oddities, for example. Is Wasp in trouble for closing his mind off to the Hivemind in general, or to the Queen specifically? Ignoring a royal command, or what have you?
I think it could be a pretty neat system, but a bit more explanation as to what exactly it is wouldn’t go remiss. A minor quibble, really
I’d also appreciate some more fleshing out surrounding the relationship between Chrysy and Queeny. It’s obvious there’s some tension there, but we don’t know why. Makes the reader feel a bit miffed, really.
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Overall Hoojamaflips
Now, reading over the rest of the review, it’s coming of a lot more negative than what this story really deserves. On the other hand, I’m loathe to remove any of it, as I feel they’re all valid points. Hmm.
Suffice to say, this story is probably best described as okay.
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Yes, all of what I mentioned above applies, but there’s a bunch of really neat ideas behind it. You just need to work on expressing them, as this fic does have a lot of the hallmarks of a new writer.
From here, I’d recommend making sure you get some author support. Editors, prereaders, proofreaders, all those lovely people can be a serious boon to any author. You can find some of them here, or here.
As for what to do with this story, that’s really up to your discretion. I’d recommend at least tweaking the prologue, so it sounds a bit more like a person’s saying it, and to maybe clear up some inconsistencies in the history. The prologue chapter is the hook, and you need a damn good hook to encourage people to read the rest of this thing.
Whether or not you mess around with chapter one, however, is completely up to you. It’s not too bad, and only really serves to set up more interesting chapters later on. Considering your audience has already read it, it may just be worth leaving it as-is, but if you do rework the prologue, it won’t take much to fix that one too.
Hope this review helps. Feel free to reply/PM me if you have any questions/would like more advice
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~Professor Plum, WRITE’s Drunk Demoman
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Oh good, Professor Plum laid out everything I felt was wrong quite clearly.
Now I don't have to write a 5-page-long scathing analysis!
But seriously, that bizarre infodump just painted this world as utterly-not-Equestria, and gave some conflicting and confusing details of their relations.
Basically, everything in this world is evil except NMM and the changelings... for some reason...
When next to nothing is redeemable in a world, it's time to just chuck an asteroid at it and say to hell with the planet.
The reader can't relate to anything, not even the narrator, Chrysalis for (as Plum points out) she sounds like a robot reading from a programmed script with no emotion.
You get a like and fav from me! Loving the story so far!
Well, you certainly have my interest! * waits for next chapter*
3679181 My thoughts exactly.
Woah, ZERO downvotes? I don't think I've ever seen that.
4125185 It now has one.
I am incredibly evil.
But yin yang and shit.
I actually began drawing you new cover art, because If the story is so awesome, I simply have to repay you. Right? I hope you'll like it. :3 and I insist!
This...is...so.....AWESOME!!!!
Anyway, this is great and so beautifully original. I can't wait to see what happens next, but mostly, I was can,, uh
Canwehavefluttercordplease?
Sorry, I'm a sucker for it. Anyway, quite well written and I look forward to more!
This would have killed everything on the entire planet