Sometimes We Do Wrong to Do Right

by JumpingShinyFrogs

Chapter 1: Departure

In an overgrown garden, some distance away from the castle of Nightmare Moon, was a stone statue. Vines, ivy and mould had all made a home on it. But through the plant life, one could just about make out the shape of a strange creature, standing proudly and grinning. The creature was like a serpentine patchwork quilt of other creatures.

Engraved at the base of the statue was a single, almost illegible word.

Discord

The stone began to crack.

---

Chrysalis fluffed up her cushion with a sigh, waiting for all of the nymphs to arrive. In hindsight, she wasn't sure why she had assigned them that project. It wasn't like they would find anything she hadn't already. Still, she supposed, it was good practice for them.

One by one, the little changelings all piled into the room. Each was carrying a scroll or a notepad with them. She noted how Wasp was attempting to use his magic to carry all of his quills and inkwells, as well as the report. She also noted how his report was twice the length of every other nymph's.

He'll make a fine scholar, she thought.

"Alright, pass me your reports, and we'll begin," said Chrysalis. A multitude of tiny horns sparked to life, and Chrysalis gently took each report into her own magical field.

"I'll read these tonight and grade you tomorrow," she said.

She waited for the wriggling nymphs to settle down, before beginning the day's lesson.

At the break, where every nymph would meet with a Collector for their lunch, Wasp hung around behind.

"Can I help you?" asked Chrysalis, lifting a glass of water to her mouth.

"Um...I think you should read my report now. I found something interesting, but I think I found it illegally..." Wasp was fidgeting with his hooves and glancing from side to side.

"Illegally?" asked Chrysalis, her eyes widening. "Wasp, what did you do?"

"I asked the Hivemind, but noling answered. So then I asked Mother, and she was like half asleep at the time. She told me that there were these things that could maybe stop Nightmare Moon. Then, she sort of panicked and tried to take the information back from me, so I, umm..."

"Yes?" pressed Chrysalis, sipping once more.

"I kinda sorta closed my mind off from her..."

Chrysalis spat out the water in a torrent of vapour mixed with changeling slime. Wasp shielded himself from the spray with a tiny wing.

"Wasp! That is highly, highly illegal! You could be executed, or exiled for that!"

"I know, but I thought it sounded important! I don't want to be ex-i...esee...sent away!" wailed the little changeling, tears beginning to form.

Chrysalis sighed and set down her drink. There wasn't anything she could do with him. "I'll read it during the break and I'll try and get Mother to see reason later. Your heart was in the right place, at least."

Wasp bowed hastily and bolted out the door.

Chrysalis found his report and opened it. She read through the usual drivel about how the sun was made of gases set on fire and sustained by magic, what it did, how it was moved and how everybody loved it. Nothing she hadn't seen before.

However, when she came to the middle of the report, something changed. Her first glimpse of something different from what she knew about.

According to Mother, there are powerful arti artu things which can stop Nightmare Moon from holding the moon in place and bring the sun again. Mother said that once a year, on a certain nocturne, the sun tries to rise all on its own, and Nightmare Moon has to supperess stop it. She's weakened at this stage, and things called the 'Elements of Harmony' could potenshully maybe have the power to stop her.

There are six Elements of Harmony. Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Generosity and Loyalty. No one knows what the last one is, not even Mother.

Other stories tell of a cree creature called a Draconequus that had powerful magic. The Draconequus would toy around with the sun and moon to bring day and night all on his own. Some stories say that he was evil, others say he just liked to joke around. But all of the stories agree that he was dangerous if left unchek alone. He vannissh diissaa went away around the same time Nightmare Moon came and no one has seen him since.

The report proceeded as usual from there into a nicely structured conclusion.

Chrysalis gritted her teeth against each other and a fire lit in her eyes. How dare her mother deny her the information she craved?

The nymphs began to file back into the room. "Class dismissed early today," said Chrysalis.

The nymphs began to file out again except for Wasp. He cast a glance at Chrysalis and shrank back from the wild look in her eyes before following his classmates.

Chrysalis packed away her classroom supplies with a vengeance before stomping out. Changelings parted before her like a river around a rock. She walked through the green halls of the Hive centre until she reached the throne room.

The doors were made of solid mahogany wood, which was quite difficult to find in the wild. Entering without even allowing the guards to even check that she was not a drone disguised as the princess, she faced her mother, the Queen. The Queen was taller than Chrysalis, with a long, vibrant purple mane and a deep purple shell on her back. Her gossamer wings were lavender in colour.

The Queen glared at Chrysalis as the latter spat a blob of sickly green slime onto the floor. Watching guards gasped–this was a terrible gesture of disrespect.

"Well, it appears someling is less than amused," said the Queen, speaking condescendingly. "And frankly, so am I. I expect you to clean that up, you know. And I'd also like to know why one of your 'students'-” She spat the word as though it were a rotten piece of fruit "-has so blatantly defiled my mind and refused to abide by the law."

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. "And I'd like to know why you have withheld vital information from me!" said Chrysalis dangerously.

The Queen gave a soft gasp and gestured for the guards to exit, which they did with a stiff salute. "He told you, didn't he? That stupid little grub! His punishment will only be made all the more severe as a result."

"No, it won't. I have power too, Mother. I have the right to withdraw punishment on anyling I choose. In fact, Wasp should be given an award for his bravery and honesty. He openly admitted to having broken the law, and he brought me a sliver of hope, which is more than you have ever accomplished. So, Mother, when exactly were you planning on telling me that there was a way for my dreams to come to fruition?" hissed Chrysalis, taking up an aggressive stance.

"You may have power, but you hold no authority over me. You are not the Queen yet. That little worm will be punished, and you have no say in the matter. As for the information, it has been passed from Queen to Queen for generations. Not from Queen to Princess. I however, had no intentions of telling you until the very last minute."

Chrysalis took a step back. "Why not? Do you not trust me?"

"As a matter of fact, I don't. If I were to tell you before fate did not force my hoof, who is to say that you would not wander off in pursuit of some old story meant for nymphs and elders?"

"Well, now you have destroyed all chances of me not departing. I will find the Elements of Harmony, and I will return the sun, and when I do, I'll return and laugh at you, the foolish old changeling who is too afraid of cobwebs to fly. I can and I will protect that nymph and provide him with a brighter future." Chrysalis made movements to exit.

"I forbid it," said the Queen. "You have already forsaken your duties enough when you insisted upon educating the nymphs, a job meant for teachers and nurses. I will not allow you to embark on a foolish quest which can only end in disaster. You have lived the sheltered life of a changeling princess. The world beyond the Hive is dark and cruel. All the love in Equestria cannot shield you from pain." The Queen spoke with hollow formality, as if repeating a message of tragedy.

"If I do not go, Mother, then who will stand up to Nightmare Moon? From the way you are speaking, it almost seems as if changelings are the only species who hold the knowledge of how to defeat her."

"Select few ancient dragons hold the secret. But other than those rare instances, only changelings are aware of the Elements of Harmony. And it is likely that Nightmare Moon too knows of these artefacts. Do you honestly believe that she has not prepared for this eventuality? I am telling you now that no good would come of your attempt to overthrow the tyrant."

"What of the Draconequus?" asked Chrysalis. "Could I not seek him out? From what the nymph informed me of, he held the power to raise the sun. Would finding him not be an easier alternative?"

"An admirable line of reasoning, but no one has seen the Draconequus since shortly before the rise of Nightmare Moon. What makes you think that you shall find him?"

"The ancient dragons, surely they know something about him," said Chrysalis, growing desperate.

"The Draconequus was much despised. I doubt that the dragons would be willing to speak about him. And, what makes you think that they would engage in conversation with a mere changeling? They'd sooner eat you."

"Mother, please just allow me to go! I shouldn't have to justify myself to you. It won't be long before you are too old and feeble to perform this duty, and then I will be tied down by the Hive and its workings. Now is the only chance I will ever have.
Please. Just grant me permission. It would make things far easier than the alternative of me just leaving as I please. I can take the unlawful nymph as companionship, and you can tell the public that he has been exiled," begged Chrysalis, bowing before her mother, something she despised doing.

The Queen appeared to be deep in thought, her brow furrowed. Finally, she gave a small sigh. "I'll allow it. Princess Chrysalis, I, Queen Lepidoptera, formally bestow upon you permission to seek out either the Elements of Harmony, or the Draconequus."

Chrysalis reared up on her hind legs and gave an un-princesslike victory cheer.

"On one condition," added the Queen.

Chrysalis lowered herself onto the floor once more and regarded her mother with suspicion.

"The nymph stays here," said the Queen.

"If this is so that you can punish him, then I refuse the condition," said Chrysalis.

"I withdraw his punishment. He acted for the good of the Princess. No, he must stay because the world outside is no place for a nymph. It is dark and dangerous and all around unsafe. Were he older, I would send him along as a member of your guard. But as it is, he is too young."

"I don't want a guard. I would prefer to travel alone. If Wasp must stay for his own well-being, then so be it. I love that nymph like a son. I want no harm to come to him while I am away. Clear?" said Chrysalis.

"Clear," agreed the Queen.

"I'll leave tomorrow. No sense in putting it off."

As Chrysalis exited and the guards entered, the Queen's eyes moistened, and she began to cry, her sobs echoing in the throne room as her guards rushed to her side.

---

The next morning great farewells were given to the Princess as she packed her saddlebags with travelling essentials. A few small feeding crystals, some grain and dried meat, a small dagger, and a seal which bore her Hive's emblem.

A great parade was held in her honour. All of the changelings in the Hive massed around the great doors, waving flags and throwing gifts at Chrysalis. At last, she reached the doors and slowly pushed them open. They swung closed behind her as the crowd gave one last cheer.

The world outside was dark and cold. The intricate tapestry formed by the millions of stars in the cloudless inky blue sky was a wonderful sight to behold. The full moon hung in the sky, cruel yet beautiful. Twisted stumps of greyed trees surrounded the changeling. Far off in the distance, she could just about make out the faint outline of the hideous spiked castle of Nightmare Moon.

She surveyed her surroundings once more, and grinned to herself.

Her quest had begun.

Comments

[Tachyon Xenophile]

Let's get this party started...

[TheSupremeLeaderOfChaos]

This is really cool! You introduced this different reality very smoothly and made me believe it, while showing me this different side to Chrysalis. Not only is this story already amazing in itself, but Discord will be in it! :D I can't wait for the next part to this interesting story!

[joeyjumper94]

this is getting too good.

[D48]

This is looking very good so far. I am very curious to see where you go with it.

[punzil504]

I don't trust Lepidoptera. Chrysalis should take Wasp with her anyway.

[Eskerata]

Okay, that's it. I like alternate universe stories as they are very liberating. No canon to tie down your imagination, the world your blank slate upon which you doodle and sketch.
I hope you keep on with this story.
Fave, upvote and a watch from me.

[redandready45]

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[Professor Plum]

An AU, eh? They're always pretty interesting to deal with. I guess that means...

IT'S REVIEWIN' TIME

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Technical Stuff and Things

You'll be pleased to note that your spelling seems to be pretty good. The rest of the syntax, however, is a mixed bunch. Very little is objectively wrong, per se, just difficult to read.

The opening infodump suffers a pretty bad case of beige prose, in that Chrysalis' voice carries no real emotional weight. It's also worth pointing out that this section is also rather telly. She sounds less like someone telling a story to children and more like someone reading a shopping list. "The ponies hurt other races. The ponies hurt each other. The other races hurt each other too. It was bad." Chrysalis is supposed to be setting up the backdrop of a grand tale, creating the world in which she's telling the children all live, and how things came to be as they are. She needs to impress how the creatures who lived back then felt in order to reach the kids, unless the little lings are completely alien.

This is further compounded by her referring to her own species as "the changelings" in every instance, making it seem like she has no relation to the faction. A quick rephrasing to reflect her intended audience is something I'd recommend, for the intro, as well as focussing more on the emotional aspects of things. Don't tell us they were kicked in the shins, tell us about the blinding stabs of pain shooting up her now-broken leg, or whatever.
Future Plum edit: Yeah, robotic narration/dialogue is a recurring theme. Chrysalis telling children that things are "highly illegal" is odd, for example.
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The stone began to crack.

Chrysalis fluffed up her cushion...

You really need some more indication of a scene change. Some authors use asterisks in the centre of the page, but fimfic has a handy horizontal rule code. Just type [hr ] when you plan on shifting the location, subject or time like that.

The Bit with the Story and Stuff

Now, Alternative Universe is a genre that generates quite a lot of discussion. To start with, every single story on this site is technically AU to some small degree, but that's more pedantry than anything else.
What's very important when writing an AU fic is that the world you make needs to be believable. There needs to be some justification as to why Discord is the good guy, or why everyone travels by airship, or whatever. The aim is to let the reader see where the story you're writing breaks away from the show, while still feeling like a reasonably natural progression.

And as far as this story goes, I can't honestly say you've managed this. In the first few paragraphs, we have a loving, gentle Chrysalis preach about how ponies were evil, and they "[hunted] griffons for sport, drove away zebras, destroyed traditional buffalo stampeding grounds, and perhaps worst of all, burned and pillaged changeling hives." That's about as far from what's been shown in-show as can be. And yes, I'm aware that in-show they did drive away a zebra from ponyville, and Appleoosa encroached on Buffalo territory, but the first was arguably unrelated to her race (instead being about how she just went around glowering at people from beneath a hooded cloak) and the latter was out of ignorance. These ponies are painted as being downright evil. I mean, hunting other sentient creatures for fun? That's some serial-killer shit, right there. Especially for a race of vegetarians.
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And don't even get me started on the inter-pony brutality. The three groups have been shown as conflicting, yes, but snapping horns off of unicorns while they slept? Jesus. Bit of a step up from yelling at each other from across a table.

The nocturnal predators who now roamed freely under the blue-black sky preyed on griffon chicks and changeling nymphs alike, causing their populations to slowly diminish, and leading them to break their truces with the ponies.

Wait, I thought the ponies were hunting the gryphons for sport at this point? That's one hell of a weird truce.

Also, I'm mildly concerned that the Buffalo, a race that are clearly an analogy for Native Americans, are shown as nothing but destructive thieves. I mean, as soon as night fell, everyone else tried to come up with ways of surviving. The Buffalo, however, stole the Zebra's mould for a bit, then rampaged across the land for a while, before stealing some more stuff from the ponies/zebras, and running away.
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Chryssy seems to flip from hurt anger to desperate pleading a bit too quickly, for my taste. And even quicker than that was how soon the Queen relented. Doesn’t quite sit right with me, I’m afraid.

Characters and Other Thingamabobs

As mentioned above, Chrysalis seems rather robotic, and really rather different from what we’ve seen in-show. I normally don’t mind an alternate interpretation of a character, but the ones I like need to have reasons for their change, and “It’s an alternate universe” is a bit too hand-wavey for me. Sure, something might have happened that means she’s not the same person, but you need to at least hint at something like that for it to work as intended.

Young Wasp wasn’t really around much, but he seemed to be alright. I liked how you included spelling mistakes in his school report. Otherwise, seems to be a pretty standard generic overachieving kid, with nothing really done wrong.

The Queen is your pretty standard stern-but-caring mother, nothing really wrong there. Just that she doesn’t really stick to her guns, caving in to her daughter’s every wish once Chrys starts to plead. Needs some smoothing out.
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General Doohickeys

First impressions are always important, which is why it's a bit iffy that my first thought upon encountering this story is Night's Favoured Child, except with Chrysalis. Having read it, I can appreciate that's not the case in the story, but that doesn't change what it seemed to be on the outside. Perhaps more of a focus on Chrysalis is needed, seeing as that’s what the story does?

The use of nymph as a name for young changelings is a new one, and one I quite like. Good to see something other than larva, or pupa for once. Same goes for noling and similar.
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I’m not entirely how this hivemind you’ve got in this works, if I’m honest, but it sounds like it has potential. Could I get some clarification?
At the moment, it seems like everyone has their own thoughts, can tap into a communal Hivemind at will, and one-to-one connections can be established if needed. But if so, there are a few oddities, for example. Is Wasp in trouble for closing his mind off to the Hivemind in general, or to the Queen specifically? Ignoring a royal command, or what have you?
I think it could be a pretty neat system, but a bit more explanation as to what exactly it is wouldn’t go remiss. A minor quibble, really

I’d also appreciate some more fleshing out surrounding the relationship between Chrysy and Queeny. It’s obvious there’s some tension there, but we don’t know why. Makes the reader feel a bit miffed, really.
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Overall Hoojamaflips

Now, reading over the rest of the review, it’s coming of a lot more negative than what this story really deserves. On the other hand, I’m loathe to remove any of it, as I feel they’re all valid points. Hmm.

Suffice to say, this story is probably best described as okay.
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Yes, all of what I mentioned above applies, but there’s a bunch of really neat ideas behind it. You just need to work on expressing them, as this fic does have a lot of the hallmarks of a new writer.

From here, I’d recommend making sure you get some author support. Editors, prereaders, proofreaders, all those lovely people can be a serious boon to any author. You can find some of them here, or here.

As for what to do with this story, that’s really up to your discretion. I’d recommend at least tweaking the prologue, so it sounds a bit more like a person’s saying it, and to maybe clear up some inconsistencies in the history. The prologue chapter is the hook, and you need a damn good hook to encourage people to read the rest of this thing.

Whether or not you mess around with chapter one, however, is completely up to you. It’s not too bad, and only really serves to set up more interesting chapters later on. Considering your audience has already read it, it may just be worth leaving it as-is, but if you do rework the prologue, it won’t take much to fix that one too.

Hope this review helps. Feel free to reply/PM me if you have any questions/would like more advice
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~Professor Plum, WRITE’s Drunk Demoman
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[Alondro]

Oh good, Professor Plum laid out everything I felt was wrong quite clearly.

Now I don't have to write a 5-page-long scathing analysis!

But seriously, that bizarre infodump just painted this world as utterly-not-Equestria, and gave some conflicting and confusing details of their relations.

Basically, everything in this world is evil except NMM and the changelings... for some reason...

When next to nothing is redeemable in a world, it's time to just chuck an asteroid at it and say to hell with the planet.

The reader can't relate to anything, not even the narrator, Chrysalis for (as Plum points out) she sounds like a robot reading from a programmed script with no emotion.

[Golem Stone]

You get a like and fav from me! Loving the story so far!

[Flexico]

Well, you certainly have my interest! * waits for next chapter*

3679181 My thoughts exactly.

[Flexico]

Woah, ZERO downvotes? I don't think I've ever seen that.

[Via]

4125185 It now has one.
I am incredibly evil.
But yin yang and shit.

[Pwincess]

I actually began drawing you new cover art, because If the story is so awesome, I simply have to repay you. Right? I hope you'll like it. :3 and I insist!

[ponybird21]

This...is...so.....AWESOME!!!!
Anyway, this is great and so beautifully original. I can't wait to see what happens next, but mostly, I was can,, uh
Canwehavefluttercordplease?

Sorry, I'm a sucker for it. Anyway, quite well written and I look forward to more!

[King of Kings]

One alicorn rose up. With her powerful magic, she brought eternal night, for reasons which have been lost over the course of history. And the sun has never risen since.

This would have killed everything on the entire planet