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Nightmare Moon's ghost haunts Luna's mind, threatening to once again return and wreak havoc in Equestria. The only thing standing in her way is Luna's sheer power of mind, and it is only a matter of time before the princess of the moon's darker side finally blots out the light. Equestria may never recover from the damage that could be done, and the land may once again be plunged into something far worse than nightime eternal.
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This has some promise. I'm not so sure about the pace, as it seems rather rushed. Also, how is it that Celestia can wield the Elements of Harmony now?
If you're interested in my own take on Nightmare Moon still being around, check this... Black Angel
I am really interested to see where this goes next. To show how much I like this - here's a couple of staches
Amazing, and I was scared for a second when Rainbow Dash fell. You captured Trixie's "element" perfectly
I LOVE IT!
A few typos remain, but.... I really like where this story is going. Kinda hope Windsong makes it somehow. Consider me hooked!
What comedy? All I saw was the end of the world.
Nice chapter!
I cant wait for the rest of the story!!!
It's an amazing story!!!
I absolutely love it
This is great, I wonder what will happen in the next chapter!
Gods.... Nightmare Moon has no leash this time.
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This chapter has a real 'Injustice' theme to it near the end.
3739437 Like the game Injustice?
3739455
yeah. But thats probably cause I played it earlier. xD
Oh god, Derpy, WHY!!!
Hmm. The idea behind your story, or the subject matter has me very interested in your story. Though its interesting to see what its about and then the ratings for it, which is something a story should never be judged of, not trying to get at anything about the remark, its just surprising. Luna turning back into Nightmare Moon is usually pretty popular from what I see. Thus another interest is made to see why this is so...
Reading the first chapter, I can see that there are things I would have done differently, but nothing completely terrible - though I was reading for enjoyment, not to edit. I did like it, it was enjoyable to read, thought I just got done with the first chapter. I think you captured the interaction between Nightmare Moon and Luna rather well. Celestia could use a touch up, but not something I'd mark against. So up-vote for this.
I'm going to keep reading this and see what its about and if I like the direction it goes.
The Mane 6 better kick this sorry mare's flank back to the depths of Tartarus (Nightmare Moon not Luna).
dang.... just dang..... i can even dang....... and i like nightmare moon but........ dang...
I lost it at Discord saying this
in other news, Nightmare moon... Interesting take you have on her, instead of the usual 'ETERNAL NIGHT' motif you portray her as a truly murderous and brutal monster... Which I find oddly refreshing.
aaaand you lost me. had me for a while but then you had nightmare moon somehow defeat discord....................
nightmare moon is more powerful than celestia. she is not more powerful than two celestia's, more than likely. it took both luna and clestia to fight discord directly, and it took an outside power to seal him. the power of a god tree's fruit.
in other words there is no way she oculd have imprisonedh im in stone, alone, using DARK MAGIC.
aka, this plot point is contrived. in a sense contrivence is what creates plot, it is how a story begins and how it reaches conclusion, but when it is this blatant it ruins the story.
not to mention that there is no way for nightmare moon to have harmed the elements by i looked past that contrivance. but there is NO way she could have defeated discord, with anythign resembling ease.
also he would stop the moon from destroying equistrai already. he may be chaos, but he is not destruction.
OH SAY WHAT??? NO No No no SSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Your awesome little dragon! Don't Die!! TWI WERE THE HELL ARE YOU!
................ you do realize that this is even worse than before, right? that is just god damn FORCED evne BEYOND what you did to discord. not to mention idsocrd still has the advantage. how do you destroy a elemental being of chaos with dark magic?
ya don'.
Holy crap in a hat! I can just see Twilight, Celestia, and Discord falling over the edge. But umm... WHERE IN TARTARUS IS TRIXIE!!! and Spike.... Huh... Anyway good job. I come on every morning to read a new chapter :3!
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Jeez dude, he ain't dead! I never said he died! They're just flying off a cliff right now, the battle continues. It would be too short lived if the pony who did as much damage as she did only lasted 15 measly minutes against anyone, Discord and Dark magic put aside.
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Thank you so much for reading my story! Hopefully I'll have completed it within a few weeks or so.
Thanks for reading everyone!
-Delta
3786005 its less I thought he died, lobviously he didn't considering it was three flight capable beings thrown off the castle. it that you pulled a deus ex diablos here. aid to evil coming from nowhere without build up that something like that was even possible.
You have a very good start to your story. I noted a few errors in sentence structure (very few, mind you), but find a editor if you can! You've got very good writing skills for someone your age!
I look forward to where this story goes.
After this is done, I defenitely would want a second one!
rubs eyes............ I wish I could give two downvotes now............. you know how bullshit it is to have someone appear to die, but then actually survive just so they can die in front of another? that is the most forced variety of drama. so muc so it just pisses someone off.
also that potion makes no damn sense. for one thing if she thougth clearly, she would have stopped. point of nightmare moon is that she is insane, motivated solely by her spite. clarity would weaken nightmare moon and let luna take over............... not to mention it could not increase someone's power. it could, however, increase spellcasting proficiency I do not deny, but iut cannot give power that is not already there.............. and giving her a power up potion is ETERMELY forced to begin with. not to mention discord could have turned the bottles into clouds the moment he saw nightmare drink it...................
and better spellcasting skill is NOT gonna help her against discord. it is not skill it is power. and, as said, nightmare moon power comes from a lack of clarity. of jealousy and confusion, for that is how luna became vulnerable.
the logic of this story falls apart every moment now. forced plot points, extremely convenienlyu timed power up potions that, in fact, would have stopped nightmare moon instead of giving her a poiwer up and would, in fact, only increase prorficiency and not raw power.
she would not be able to want destruction if a ption forced logic over her mind. her reasons for destroying equistria is not clear in the slightest and insane. the potion would make her stop and question what she was doing.
3801556
To answer your question, the Mindsmear Mixture works like this;
The consumer will experience a vast expansion of the mind. It doesn't clear the mind as a direct effect of the potion, the potion itself simply increases the "processing power" of the consumer's mind. As a result, the drinker will experience clarity, definiteness of purpose, fluency, and a high increase in power, as the body is now able to focus itself like a ray of sunshine through a magnifying glass. In no way, shape or form, does it change personality, this is why Nightmare Moon didn't turn back into Luna.
After ten minutes or so following consumption, the brain begins to have trouble keeping up with the advanced increase in brain power that the potion provided, and as a result, the mind begins to blur, and gradually obscure as it struggles to maintain the mental capacity the potion provided, causing amnesia, forgetfulness, and other unpleasant side effects. This is why they hoped to give Luna the potion, praying that it would erase Nightmare from her memory as a side effect, however unlikely it may be.
All of this is more or less demonstrated and explained when Twilight takes the potion to clear her own mind, experiencing the crystal clarity first, before falling flat on her face. I planned that plot twist since the beginning, and there is no reason it couldn't happen.
And please refrain from commenting on the story if you're not going to proofread what you post, lordofmyth. Not only is it a job deciphering the idea you are trying to convey, but it only makes you look, well, like you can't write properly.
If you have any questions about the story, I will be more than happy to answer them, although I would appreciate that you did so by messaging me directly. People who may not have read the story, wouldn't want some of the surprises spoiled before even starting the first chapter, especially if they are just combing through the comments to see people think.
Thank you for at least reading the story, and though I appreciate your criticism, please refrain from posting borderline illiterate responses.
Have a nice day,
-Delta
Trixie's being more than just a blowharded, butthurt showmare!
Love what ya did with her character after just this chapter.
3801692 ...............it STILL would have given nightmare moon pause. if she is given clarity it would have caused her to stop. her plan is insanity, clarity is sanity, she would have halted the moon and found herself questioning her own actions. and it STILL does nothing for new power. nothing it infused her with any greater strength, it just sharpened her mind......... if anything it would have made her more narrow minded and blind if she is getting her mind funneled at one point and it is not working as something that increases the clarity of her thoughts. in other words it would make her less capable of multitasking.
just because you planned a plot twist since the beginning does NOT mean it is good. the power up potion is extremely forced. it exists only so that discord is not capable of overpowering nightmare moon and no other reason. also how she just keeps on winning against the enemy every single time something new comes along no matter WHAT that is.................... that is contrived. it makes me think less she is somehow capable of doing all this and more you are twisting the events of the story in her favor.......... and that is lazy and flawed.
recent factors of the story make it that previous issues cannot be forgiven. how could nightmare moon harm the elements of harmony when she was incapable of doing so before? how could Celestia be so stupid as to fall for such an obvious ploy by nightmare moon? why would she be so stupid as to not realize grinding nightmare moon into the dirt would actually benefit luna, as if nightmare moon is a pulverized she can be bound till they can somehow destroy her?
that is my critic and i am sticking to it. the story has no natural flow and your homicidal (boring as well), version nightmare moon only succeeds by whatever you give her through the plot rather than her own power. shall say no more. only that this story has far too many flaws.
yus!!! make a second one!!!!!!!
I WANT MORE!!!!
poor spike :(
such a good story!!! please make more!
Goddamn, why are there so few likes for this?
3801556
Here's three for being so nice
3802356 Ever heard of constructive criticisms?
I'd love to help. Unfortunately, I'm already really busy. Stories to write, stories to review, videos to make... but i'll add this to my read later folder and hopefully get around to reading it, sometime in the future.
3848665
Thank you so much, I appreciate your help.
-Delta
YES! EQUESTRIA IS SAVED!!!! WAHAHAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! THANK CELESTIA FOR DISCORD!!! Wait.... where is Celestia?
cant wait for the next chapter!!
such a nice story!! quickly became one of my favourites.
Will there be a sequel? I sure hope so!!
this is awesome for your first fanfic!!
It's....Prefect
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3863715
Thank you both! And yes, I plan on a sequel.
3864517 Ok ^^
Scootaloo - Hehe, fuck dat hoe.
Rainbow Dash - Yeah Yeah, real talk yup. Tehee
3864766 Lol, pretty much. Also, I think the story is good, but the end is mind of bad. It's very unlike Rainbow to buck somepony in the face, and kidnap there daughter isn't it? It just doesn't seem like MLP anymore
3864946 You have a valid point, now that I re-read the paragraph in question, it is, in a form, kidnap. That penetrates deep into the mind.
3864946
Hmm... I suppose that makes sense. She probably wouldn't "kidnap" her, now that I think about it, but I think she would still be kind of pissed if she saw Scootaloo get hit by her mother, and would probably jump in if she saw her wind up for another strike.
Ok, I'll get on that.
3865022 i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/603/810/f57.jpg