Sire,
The condition on the battlefield is critical. The Royal Guard is far too strong to overcome. If we continue to fight them head on, we will surely be wiped out. Our numbers are few, and our options are limited, but we have one choice that could save us all. The Crystal Empire carries within it a relic of immense power, which could be used to protect us from assault. I will lead a force there and take control, using a new magic I have at long last perfected. Our only hope is to relocate any surviving griffons to the kingdom, and simply hold out until the ponies are in a mood to discuss peace.
If we are to put this plan into action, we will need to draft a large number of griffons. However, due to the immense losses we have already suffered, I doubt they will come willingly.
With any luck, we may be able to survive.
- General Sombra
Two words
Keep Writing!
You know I came to this one looking for things to critique, but frankly, it's fairly evident that it's in the process of being streamlined for an EqD publication! Picking it to pieces would be quite a handful for anyone to say the least, and to be frank Delta, you can rest easy that you've produced a particularly high-quality product here!
On balance, I'd just say that your introduction was a very slow and laborious process that detailed numerous points and reflections that you clearly have straight in your mind and desire to share with the reader. I'm not criticizing your doing so; in fact, I commend it! There's nothing I love more than feeling immersed in thoughts and information in any story, and immersed I did feel here. But if an expansive appeal to a broad audience is what you want, perhaps if you're writing something like this again you could potentially stretch your worldbuilding out, dropping your protagonist's reflections and context piece by piece as some kind of narrative unfolds? Like, having him walk through a town, or have a conversation, just to keep a less interested reader's interest. If it were your audience, though, I'd say you'd keep it as it is!
Other than that, by my own humble opinion I felt that certain details were lacking here; things like details about the landscape, colours and shapes, what's happening with the weather, small things like that to help a guy like me paint a picture in my head of what's going on while I enjoy your practiced and streamlined writing style! I'm definitely not recommending that you rethink your stories friend, just mentioning as a reader that every now and again I love to see some information about what I should be seeing as I read. It's an opportunity to paint some very beautiful images with your words, which I doubt you'd have trouble with!
Anyway Delta, I'll wrap up by echoing everyone else and approving of your work! Best of luck with your submission
I for one am curious where this goes from here. (The fact Sombra is working with the griffins has me intrigued by itself.
) Keep at it. 