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Equestria is enjoying a time of peace and prosperity. The newly reunited Sisters rule without question and the Elements of Harmony protect the land from any and all evil.
But dark forces lurk in the shadows, hidden from sight… Plotting.
During the apparent chaos will two unlikely youngsters, Spike and Sweetie Belle, become more to each other than they had ever dreamed? Or. Will their new found feelings spell doom for all of Equestria?
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Epic Spike hero moment!
good story keep it up! also best ship
A SpikeBelle this is good!
@BOM...
I put this in the positive side of the "Not Bad' literary meter.
I do offer at least one major critique: You need to work upon spacing out your paragraphs, if not your speaking lines as well. You have severe clumping problems, resulting in the dreaded "wall of text" for difficult reading.
Purist | Purest - know the difference, it could get you more views.
Likewise: effect | affect.
Just glancing at that first chapter reveals a variety of grammatical errors. I suggest seeking out a pre-reader/proof-reader and/or an editor.
3585547
Thanks for the pointers.
You'll have to forgive my proof reader and I. He just finished handing in some uni work and then I come along and ask him to proof read this
. Plus it seems every time I read these chapters I am fixing some kind of spelling mistake or tweaking a sentence here and there.
Not bad so far, not a fan of the formatting though, would like bigger font and maybe more breaks.
Not bad, needs formatting, bigger text and an editor.
swike, like swag but spikier
instant read
As he changed the barrel of his M60, the spent barrel still smoldering steam as he tossed it over his should-
I mean, he sure showed them.
Also from the same quote, why do they all the Crusaders have horns?
3589297the crusaders don't, he was referring to the changelings.
You uh... Need some help. Get a pre-reader or editor or both. You have two run-on sentences, improper pronoun use for his instead of my, mustache isn't spelled with an o, there needs to be a comma after mustache, overlooked isn't used correctly, and, finally, though this is more of a personal grievance than proper grammar... You don't end a sentence in 'best' unless it's part of a phrase, like 'Sunday best'. Then it's understood that they're as dressed up as they can be, but as is, it's left with best WHAT? Their best pet? Their best paper bags? There's nothing for 'best' to describe.
You need someone to help, dude. There's potential here, but huge chunks of text are just ugly and off-putting to readers. Needs formatted.
3590401
Would just like to mention that I live in the UK, where we spell moustache with an 'o'. This will also apply to other words such as: realise and centre.
Also, the work had been proof read several times, but its impossible to pick up on every single error.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback.
i can't wait for the next chapter
3591499
I expected this story to be good but I never expected it to be this good, well done sir!
Very interesting. Please continue.
Well I haven't got to the other chapters yet but I'm intrigued and can't wait to read the other 2 chapters that are out right now.
Heh, if only Spike was this badass in the show.
3613778 I blame the show writers for not upping his badassery
COMBO! FLAWLESS VICTORY!! FATALITY!!! SPIKE WINS!!!!
Spike, you're awesome!
3613947
WHOA WHOA WHOA..............................
He'll have his time...............................
We just have to be patient......
3613947 That is one of the reasons I hardly watch the show and spend most of my time here.
3613947>>3614123>>3614048
Now, now. We'll save that moment for the series finale when it shows Equestria 20 years in the future.
(Kidding of course.)
3614191
Maybe..................
But WHO knows when that'll happen
Enjoying the story so far, but there are a few things, and I will use this as an example.
I assume, given the context that it is Spike giving Sweetie Belle re-assurance, that where I have marked green is Spike, and the violet is Sweetie Belle.
I would suggest putting the 'Spike gave her a reassuring smile.' on a new line, else the reader will assume it is Spike asking if everything is alright, and Sweetie Belle asking if Spike trusts her. With Spike's response on the same line as Sweetie Belle's line, it makes it look as though they are Sweetie Belle's responses. And while it is possible to guess what you mean via context and knowledge of the story thus far; it is better to make it clearer to the reader.
Unless I have missed something and that is what you meant all along; though given Spike's role as the protector and Sweetie's role as the damsel in this story, a reversal at the end is confusing.
Else you could use something like:
I'd also suggest trying to find a proof reader through the proofreader group. My grammar is pretty horrible, and my writing benefits immensely from their help, and most of them are pretty dang friendly too.
Spike is straight up awesome.
I was wondering for a while why this passage seemed so familiar, but it came to me as I was rereading this chapter. This interaction, as Spike is still laying on the ground and temporarily knocked out, is Mufasa's death scene from The Lion King, nearly verbatim.
3646986
Well spotted good sir. Was wondering how long it would take for someone to spot that
Ok, thanks, and Happy Holidays
And you good sir have a static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1316241311380_8381246.png
Plows through that wall like the Armored Titan!
Ursa?
3650440
This thing
http://cdn.staticneo.com/w/mylittlepony/thumb/e/e0/Ursa_Major.jpg/536px-Ursa_Major.jpg
All I could think of at the end was "The kind of day of which I dreamed since I was small."
Intentional?
3654823
Yeah. It juts felt like a nice way to tie up Sweetie Belle's thoughts, whilst relating it to the the Canterlot Wedding. Plus that song was awesome!
I guess Spike is giving Sweetie a chance. Lets see where their romance lead them to.
error in A/N should be allowed
So touching.................................
So moving................................
I LOVE ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go get 'um Spike!!!! you can do it!!!
P.S. Nice work on the fiction bra!
"SPIKE put one of HER HOOVES"?
Did you mean "SWEETIE BELLE put one of her hooves?"
Or perhaps you meant "Spike put one of HIS HANDS/CLAWS around her neck" ?
Other than that it was very good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3657574
Thanks!
Hugz?fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/119/1/7/hug_sweetie_belle_by_c_h_loboguerrero_c-d63ehme.png
3658086
Appreciate the feedback and changed so hopefully it all makes sense now
3658122
U KNOW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"huggles"
3658128 Thou art very welcome *Translation* No problem.
Also, keep this up and the fun shall be doubled! *Translation* BTW, Can't wait for the next chapters!
(Sorry about being so formal and in character, I just do that sometimes)
I WANT A SEQUEL!
AND i WANT IN NOW!!!!!!
3670238 the story is incomplete, but once its done, I do too