It's a brain thing.

A scientist does some field research just outside Ponyville. She brings an idea with her that is new to the Mane 6.

Chapters (2)

1. Meetings are awkward. · 9th Dec 2013 · 4,185 words
4,185
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2. Developing relationships are painful. · 9th Dec 2013 · 1,480 words
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KiltedKey

KiltedKey #1 · Dec 11th, 2013 · 1 · · 1. Meetings are awkward. ·

As someone who matches your profile to a T - except... that I'm a guy - and for some reason I was checking the new story page and found this story it would be asinine of me not to read this, comment as I go, and perhaps even communicate with you period on my thoughts on this story, the disorder, ponies, fandom, etc, etc. This is just kinda freaky and I won't pass this up.

~~Therefore suddenly a white bearded all powerful force commanded this to happen instead of helping Africa or the rape in the world. Praise him.~~

So give me an hour to look this over and collect notes.

jillswift

jillswift #2 · Dec 11th, 2013 · · · 2. Developing relationships are painful. ·

3609973
I look forward to your comments.

Hopefullygoodgrammar

Hopefullygoodgrammar #3 · Dec 11th, 2013 · 1 · · 2. Developing relationships are painful. ·

I love your OC, I myself have Aspergers and it's nice to see a character who can represent it the right way, which you are definately doing and doing very well.

Please keep up the good work

Also: Gilda....

KiltedKey

KiltedKey #4 · Dec 11th, 2013 · · · 1. Meetings are awkward. ·

This is simply in order as I go down through the story. Do note I also have ADHD, and it is a wee late, so I might ramble a bit. But then again, rambling is half the fun!

Titles of chapters and the story itself should not have a period in it. It's a style thing.

Glad to see you are an italic stressor. Makes me very happy.

As someone who is getting - or at least trying - to get a degree in the field my first advice is add a bit more flourish. Now trust me: It took me hundreds and hundreds of hours of classes, personal writing, roleplaying, and realizing what my natural writing voice is like to break out of a more Spartan dialect, but adding a bit more of a creative weave in your word pattern helps make sentences more readable. I know what it's like to want to convey exactly what is going on, but there's nothing wrong with being a bit gleeful about it. It takes practice, but it can be done.

I mean, just look at me: I'm such a massive fan of sarcasm I wrote an entire novel length story based around it. I didn't have a sense of sarcasm ten years ago.

If you want more input on the manner, I can go into detail either in notes or in the comments.

Two things here: "Spike, I hope you know how proud I am of you." She started in a serious tone. "Lately you've been just wearing yourself out helping everypony with so much."

She started is indicating the tone of the last sentence, and yet you drop later that she started it in a serious tone and then ended that sentence with a period. To imply the first dialogue was said in a serious manner more quickly, use a comma instead of a period, and since she's starting it and carrying it into the next sentence, use a comma for that one too.

I would have written it as: "Spike, I hope you know how proud I am of you," she started in a serious tone, "but lately you've been just wearing yourself out helping everypony with so much."

The next two sentences are said weirdly, and I feel like I'm missing a line here...

I get that he's saying that it's easy to help friends - and why he's wearing himself out - and that Twilight's agreeing with him. The problem is that the subject is dropped abruptly in the next sentence. I think an easy fix is to add to Twilight's sentence. something like...

"True," Twilight agreed, levitating a small box next to their breakfast, "but I just don't want you to collapse on me randomly! So I thought you deserved a treat for working so hard. Just keep in mind your limits, Spike." It shows she cares for him and why she thinks he earns the gem.

"I think I'll wait." He said as he put the crystal back in the box. "Anticipation and all that." Something that takes a bit of practice to get used to is when to use commas and periods when you start dialogue and use he said she saids. Here, you use a comma since he's doing an action after the said, but there are exceptions, since our language is so damn complex and easy to bend. I could give you a trillion, but I'll point more of these out as I go along.

Excellent use of a Dash in Twilight smiled again - the very young dragon was a quick learner. I forget to use single dashes a lot and usually stick to double. I still love them - okay bucking love them - since they can add that idea you really can't add in commas without looking weird.

My other advice is try to avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. It's something I am still fixing in my novel length story so I can't preach perfection in the least. Pretty much call them by their names instead of what they look like, unless of course we don't know their names. It's like saying the white dude said. Put it in that context, kind of weird, yes?

Yes, Spike likes looking at Rarity. She's pretty good looking from the back. ~~I said nothing~~.

Brackets instead of double dashs? I'll run with it.

"Whoa." Twilight made a quiet exclamation. "Do you sense that?" This... is weird to my tongue I would just make it simpler. "Woah," Twilight gasped, "did you sense that?"

I would also describe it a lot more. Have more impact. More gravitas.

I'm going to post this in chunks in case I pass out, and who cares about how many comments it is. Your story.