The Plebeian
Joined 14th Oct, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, after a month of waiting, you didn't disappoint. Plebeian, you have presented here a conflux of storytelling. Even as we have seen stories told by a series of pictures and by a series of words, very rarely are we treated to a series of words that generate but one image. The way in which the paintings take shape is very much like watching it be painted in front me, an effect that I find particularly enjoyable when coupled with the ruminations of the narrator that seem to give me a little window into the mind of the artist. Who the Wayfarer is and his story will be an adventure for sure.
Found a small mistake that needs a quick fix:
Should be it
Anyway, I am rather fond of these painted pictures of words. And I want to keep reading more of this, and I will whenever I have time. Though I do have to say it might be a good idea to chop up some of the larger paragraphs a bit, it does come across as a bit hard to follow if the paragraph is a bit too long. Aside from that though, I love the poetic descriptions of everything. I'll be sure to write up a blog about this once I finish reading it
3569747
Ah, thanks. One pair of eyes can only spot so much. As for the paragraphs, I might split a few up, though you'll notice they break apart a lot more as the story goes on. I may have been a bit sloppy in execution, though. They should be a bit slurred, but not entirely confused.
*Finds the similarities in favor and likeness of exemplary poetic/descriptive styles of writing catering to those with vivid imaginations almost unexpectedly. Proceeds to favorite, grace with an upvote of merit, and moves to keep and refer to the story again later on for both encouragement and inspiration.*
Well done, good sir.
-Hivemind
Your description is a vague, pretentious koan which says absolutely nothing about your story, and is the very definition of how not to write a story description.
3581721
I am sorry you are displeased with my description, but to say much more actually hurts the medium of the piece. It is a story of discoveries, and least of all do I want to tell the reader what discoveries lie ahead, rather than let them experience the discoveries themselves.
You are correct. The description is insufficient. I merely plead that it is sufficiently insufficient.
3581721 Indeed, this story does address that very issue. And that's part of the draw. Some people, such as myself, are intrigued by such a description. There is a certain beauty to be found in vagueness, and a certain ironic appreciation of it going unnoticed. For if too many were to praise it, the beauty would be gone.
It might take a bit more energy to actually read this story because it is so vivid and thick in its prose. But there is much to be discovered here, and what is to be discovered will ultimately vary from viewer to viewer. Which is why I do believe that the description is quite apt.
Spotted that small mistake at the end of this chapter.
I absolutely love the imagery and the exploration here.
3588600
Thanks, fixed it!
Man, these chapters are so great. Caught this though:
need a space.
I hope to get through all the chapters before work.
I'll just point out that the second paragraph needs to be formatted properly. Needs an extra space and an indent.
They take form, in their streaks of blue and brown.
Anyway, I am quite enjoying this story. Onward to more, glorious chapters!
Consider not using numbers, but spelling them out for this part:
I found it rather jarring.
I'd avoid using the word 'man'. Maybe old-timer or aged stallion.
I'm just pointing out things that I find somewhat jarring. Though I am very much enjoying this story. Onward to the next chapter!
Small spelling mistake. Looks like I won't be able to finish the story before work. But darn it, I love it.
There's one. Now to finish the rest of these chapters
That needs a fix, I think.
I must continue on to the ending!
Okay, I finished the story, and damn, it was great. This is a work of art and is going to sit in my top recommended stories for all time I think. Thank you so much for writing this. It was nothing short of a grand adventure and experience, and I know I will never ever forget it. Now, I have a blog to finish
A thousand thanks, Silent, both for the edits and the acclaim. I'm glad you found it meaningful.
Hello, good sir, this is ChromeMyriad here with your review courtesy of WRITE! For those about to read it, beware of HEAVY SPOILERS. No, seriously, you definitely want to read the story before this review.
Let me preface everything by saying I’m WRITE’s newest reviewer and pretty new to reviewing in general, so I don’t quite have my style down yet. What I like to do with the longer fics, however, is keep a document open to write down any errors I find or any reactions I’d like to preserve. I mention this because I think in this instance several of my reactions might help you understand how a new reader might see certain parts of your story. I will be inserting those comments and reactions along with my current thoughts into this review.
Let’s begin before the beginning. Your description is short and vague. Despite this, I think it’s exactly what should preface a fic like this one. In fics where popularity is the aim, it behooves the author to write a description that advertises the fic’s strong points and intrigues the reader. This fic, however, is used more as an outlet for artistic expression and is not specifically written to appeal to the largest audience. This aspect of the story is one of its strengths and I feel it would cheapen the tale to have a more straightforward description. The description will serve to turn readers away who are looking for an easy laugh or a cheap cry, but will draw in those readers who want to read something that will take them out of their comfort zone, and I think that’s what you want.
Moving on to the mechanics, this story has few issues. The odd typo still needs to be taken care of, and some sentences suffer from clumsy overall structure. The style in which this story is told lends itself to long sentences and many commas to facilitate your detailed descriptions. Any sentences I had trouble with I made note of, but there may be more comma usage errors than I’m catching. Many of the sentences, while grammatically correct, go on for a bit too long and should be broken up. I’ll be sending you examples via PM. In any case, the mechanics are not the cause of much grief, so let’s continue.
Something that I think really detracts from your story upon first jumping in is the intricate wording. When you describe scenes in detail, you tend to slip into purple prose. I often found myself rereading a sentence several times just to understand what you were referring to. Further adding to this issue is that the descriptions are so densely composed that if I missed something, I absolutely had to backtrack because the transition from fleshing out one thing to fleshing out another happened so quickly I didn’t catch it. Ideally, I’d tell you to revise the chapters that feature heavy scenery description to use more common language so that they flow better for the reader. I understand you’ve limited yourself to approximately one thousand words per chapter — which I wouldn’t violate for other reasons — but that allows very little room for painting a picture, and it shows.
I think a good compromise in this case would be to separate your problem chapters — the first eight chapters, namely — into smaller paragraphs. The reader would have a short break between the dense pockets of prose to breathe and come back without losing their place. This would allow them to go at their own pace and would help smooth out any hiccups they may have. It is particularly irksome to find a troubling sentence, sit back in my chair to think about it, then have to scan back through the paragraph in order to pick up where I left off.
Having said this, your writing flows far better once the narrator begins to wax philosophical about the couple, describing their thoughts rather than the scenery. I feel this change occurs because you use more common language to describe the thoughts and philosophies. The less ornate language does not cheapen the message because it is written with the same artistry as the scenery and it gets the point across a lot more fluidly.
I think that covers the most grating of the stylistic errors, as there weren’t many to be had. I’m going to go ahead and paste some of my reactions here to give you a better understanding of the way your fic seems to a first-time reader:
After reading chapter II:
After reading chapter VII:
After reading chapter XI:
After reading chapter XXVI:
After reading chapter XXVIII:
After reading chapter XXX:
After reading chapter XLIII:
After reading chapter XLIV:
After reading chapter L:
What makes this good fiction, in my opinion, is the fact that some will find a beautiful story with insightful philosophies while others will find a confusing and pretentious bit of fluff. This is good because it aims for the imaginative audience that wants to think rather than the crowd just looking for a quick fanfiction fix. In that way, it’s written well for its target audience.
While this story was written for its artistry rather than its popular appeal, it should not be immune to criticism. The prose can be very thick and confusing to get through at times. The plot twist — or what I assume was meant to be a twist — is made predictable by the sheer perfection with which the characters view their relationship.
The characterization is excellent, but the perfection of their relationship drags on just long enough to be disenchanting. That’s not to say there isn’t any conflict because there are plenty of internal arguments and discoveries to work with, but when we already know how much they love each other it does get tiring to hear it over and over. It doesn’t do significant harm to the tale, but it does enough to be worth mentioning. If not for the thousand-word bar that is set per chapter, I would recommend pruning. There’s a bit of an internal war going on about the whole character love thing, actually. Part of me says that real couples actually might think this way during the ‘honeymoon period’ when their relationship is starting out, but another part immediately replies that it goes just far enough to dip into the uncanny valley and that’s a problem. It’s an incredibly fine line and I honestly can’t recommend any significant change without fear that it will damage your message.
Actually, let’s talk about the thousand-word thing. I thought it was just kind of cute at first to have each chapter be around a thousand words, but after reading the ending, I think the story almost necessitates that detail. It ties the premise and the plot together seamlessly and I think it would do significant damage to break that connection. Having said that, I think it still causes problems when it comes to editing. You’ve worked around it quite well, but it’s kind of hard from this position to recommend any change without breaking that limitation. It’s hard to know what to do with it.
Unfortunately, due to its nature, I doubt this fic will be widely read. Popular things — particularly on this site — are generally escapes from realism. For all of this story’s fantastic elements, it still feels very real. If I can be an intellectual peasant for a moment, I will say that there are a few things about this story that would have made me pass it up for something lighter: something requiring less brainpower and less emotional attachment. I’m glad I read this story, though, because its worth is not measured in inane guffaws or dramatic gasps, but in raw emotion and thought.
To summarize, I really liked this fic overall. There was confusion, anger, slight tedium, and sorrow along the way, but I feel richer for the experience. The characterization feels very natural despite the overemphasis placed on their love. The scenery descriptions can be a bit confusing at times, but you do an excellent job of painting a picture with words regardless. The narration is both charming and meaningful and serves to inspire. The plot is simple, but elegant in its execution. The decision to tell the story through paintings is intriguing and you pull it off well. I particularly like how the story’s delivery tied in to the plot.
Focusing on improvement, I would say to do what you can to remove some of the purpleness from the leading chapters and probably cut back on the commas overall. It helps flow if the reader isn’t trying to read an entire thought in one mental ‘breath’, so if you can shorten or divide some of the sentences that would also help. The character interaction seems a bit too delicately balanced with the plot to be nitpicky with, but if you wanted to improve it, you’d need to find a way to replace some of the fawning in later chapters.
I’ve been ending these reviews recently with an ‘x/10’ thing, but I’m starting to feel like a complex opinion shouldn’t be expressed in terms of a number. I’ll simply leave you with the knowledge that I loved this fic and it will be the first fic in the featured box on my page.
- ChromeMyriad, WRITE’s Nanite Construct
I tried, but there is something about you I just don't like.
4177172
It's understandable. The story isn't perfect, and it isn't for everyone. Thanks for trying, at least.
before reading: HOW MANY CHAPTERS!?!?!!
This seems .. somewhat purple.