Two hundred years have passed since the banishment of Nightmare Moon. Still, Equestria is thrown back into turmoil when dragons far and wide begin to attack Equestrian cities. When Mellownote's own home is ravaged, he drawn by fate into a terrible and costly war. Through his ordeal, Mellownote learns the horror of war, and the cost of brutality.
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I'm not sure whether the second letter in the title is supposed to be capitalised or not.
or
Interesting start, though a minor issue: it should be tagged with OC, not Other, since as far as I know none of the ponies you've introduced were in the show (beyond Nightmare Moon, of course)
"DIssonance"
"DIss"
"DI"
"I"
@Sierra & Trollknee: Thanks, my shift key sticks sometimes. I'll fix that up.
@MidnightDancer: I'm new, so I was not sure whether to tag as OC or Other. Thanks.
1704593 You couldn't tell if you made the character up or not...?
Regardless, OC means "Original Character", meaning one that you manufactured in your mind and inserted into the story.
The "Other" tag is for ponies that have appeared on the actual show, but that do not have a character tag yet on this site.
Like I said, I'm new. I'm clear on it now.
Anyway, now that I'm somewhat sure everything is properly formatted, we can actually talk about the story, and what might help me tell it better.
After all, that is the goal here.
1715310 Listen, presh, I didn't say much about the story so far because I couldn't find too much wrong with it besides the tagging. I was TRYING to help you there by explaining how things work since you apparently hadn't figured it out yet. I didn't understand WHY you didn't understand it, is all. I was enjoying the story, even though it seems like it could easily surge into purple prose at any given moment. You could do more showing and less telling too, while you're at it.
Trust, son, I won't hold back when I feel this needs a review. It doesn't yet. You should probably be happy that people are enjoying your story (for me personally, I am extremely picky about what I will actually sit and read, so the fact that I sat through it out of enjoyment instead of out of a desire to review it should say something), not whining that I'm not commenting exactly as you want me to.
Whoa, I didn't mean to come off as offensive. Sorry about that. Thanks for giving me your take on it, though. I'll be sure to work on the showing a bit more. That's a bit of literary maturity that I'm still working on blending into my own vision.
Obviously, I also need to be more clear on the intent of my replies. To scare off my first readers over a misunderstanding is number two on my "Things not to do" list.
The first item on that list would be making Fluttershy cry.
Sorry about the wait, everyone. Life gets in the way of some things.
However, I am now on-track and ready to continue this story. I do have the rest of the story drawn-out on my computer now, so hopefully, I shouldn't have that bad a case of writer's block again.
Now, then, I am still in need of an editor, and cover art, if anypony is interested. After all, I'd like something more than reading experience to help me through the writing of a story that I believe has the potential to be beautiful.
A fine story so far. I enjoy the amount of prose that you tell the story with even if it comes across as slightly superfluous at times. The one thing that I found rather jarring was your dialogue sequences. Often you say that the characters are talking and then toss up their dialogue, instead of tossing up their dialogue then writing that they said it.
Example: 'I whispered, “Please . . . don’t go. I’m not ready.”'
Where as most would write: '"Please... don't go. I'm not ready," I whispered.' or even '"Please... don't go," I whispered, "I'm not ready."'
That was what distracted me most in the story. But overall, I say this is a great story so far, and has a good amount of potential. Good work, you've got yourself a favourite and thumbs-up from me.
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Thanks for the advice. I'll try to switch up my dialogue a bit in that aspect. As for the compliments, you are too kind.
I had actually just cracked open Scion of Chaos today. Little did I know I'd get some input from you! It is quite a pleasant surprise.
EDIT:
I went through and changed my dialogue to help flow, in cases where it would make sense to. Many of the quote introductions still remain at the beginning because they're tied to something before, or only make sense before the quote.
For those reading, thanks. Just the views I get are enough to keep me writing.
For those who want to help me improve, I'll appreciate whatever I can get. If you find any proofreading errors, go ahead and tell me and I'll get them fixed right away. General advice on storytelling is also very valuable to me as well, since I'm still waiting for an editor to pick this up with me. At this point, I am looking particularly for advice on characterization, as I want my characters to be well-defined for my audience.
Another reminder, I'm still looking for some cover art, so if you know somepony, including yourself, who you think would be willing to make some, I would be eternally gracious. You could have all of my cookies.
I finally found the time to read this chapter. It's great, and I look forward to how you will explore a pre-redeemed-Luna Canterlot and Equestria. I see some good potential in these two characters, I'm just waiting to see what is going to become Mellow Note's main goal or objective. I enjoyed this very much, thank you for writing it.
Catching up on my backlog of fics. I have to say this chapter was great. I was pulled in for the whole thing and enjoyed the ride. I wasn't expecting that twist in plot, but it's nice to see some conflict, and I am intrigued to see the next chapter. Thanks for writing it.
This was a great chapter and quite engrossing. Thanks for writing it. I look forward to future chapters and seeing how it unfolds.
Thanks, Silent! It's a lot of encouragement to hear from even just one reader.
Somepony is hearing this old flour sack's ramblings after all!
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Not just one :)
I think I have to thank SilentBelle for reviewing it in blog-post.
Your story is wonderful !
Thank you for sharing it with us
I really owe Silent! He's given me quite a bit of publicity from that blog post.
Anyway, for all my new readers, welcome! Thanks for the favorites, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.
Yes, it's been too long. I simply look expectantly towards the summer: a time free of pressure and expectation. Once I reach that wonderful time, the words will flow across my pages in leaps and bounds each day.
This chapter also contained a lot of dialogue I wanted to get just right. If any of you feel you can assist me, post your suggestions. I'm all ears.
Actually, I'm all sack and flour, but my point stands.
2510065
Just want to thank you for the update
As to the chapter - I am not a writer and cannot say if dialogue has flows and where. All I can say - is that I like it
2510065 Sweet, I finally got around to reading the update. The dialogue flowed pretty well. It gave the sense of ponies that were comrades-in-arms and was fairly well-paced. It's a great starting point for these new characters, they have the feeling of fleshed-out characters and we'll see in the coming chapter if that feeling is validated. I enjoyed the chapter. Thanks for writing. I always look forward to these updates.
Well I finally got round to reading this after I saw silentbell had "keen interest" in this story and I have to say I am not disappointed. Also with your permission I would like to try and do a dramatic reading of this, I'm warning you it would be my first so don't expect any miracles or it to be done in any sort of timely manner but the offers there should you want it.
-Willsons-
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I'm all for a good dramatic reading! Just be sure to tell me where I can find it when you finish.
Fimfiction is having glitches again.
I saw Dissonance update in news feed, it is visible in "all favs" list, but it is absent in my updated favs list.
Also - moar
?
Nice update. Very fine action scenes, and even slightly poetic in the descriptions. I enjoyed it very much. Also there's one bank of 3 paragraphs that need a space between them. Thanks for writing this chapter, and I look forward to the aftermath now that the chaos has ended.
Also, what Paul said, it didn't appear on my faves, but it did appear on my news feed. Don't know what you can do about that though.
Ah, thanks SilentBelle. I write without paragraph spaces, then add them when I post the chapter. For some reason, many paragraphs lose their indentation when I copy-paste, so I missed that block.
Thanks in addition for the compliments. I had actually expected the chapter to come out longer, but once I was done, I figured adding anything else would either be redundant or obvious filler, so I let it be. I'll get to work on the next chapter ASAP, and with any luck and the winds of summer, I'll have it out very soon.
It's about time, hm?
Yeah, I've let you guys down, kept you waiting for a month, almost two, but now I think I'm a bit more on-schedule. As always, give me some feedback!
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I think it is never a bad thing to praise author even if I told my opinion of the story already - it is amazing!
Also I was delighted to see it updated
Thank you!
>now I think I'm a bit more on-schedule.
And thanks for great news !
Well, I finally found time to read it. Great chapter! It was a pleasant read and added a fair amount to the characters. Thanks for writing. I await the coming chapters eagerly.
Well I'm still enjoying it and I feel like the writing has improved dramatically since the first chapter but that may just be my bad memory.
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I'm glad you think so too! There's a lot I'd love to rewrite in the beginning, but there's not much point when I've still got the rest of the story to write already.
Besides, that'd be rewriting some good memories.
Writing like this always confuses me but I think it's a good sort of confusion as I enjoyed this.
Finally got around to reading this chapter, and wow! That's some very poetic prose you have here. I really enjoyed this chapter. Makes me think that I should write a blog post on poetry...