In the blink of an eye

RainbowDash has been a wonderbolt for many years but during a show, there is an
accident, that leaves her blinded. She needs the help of one pony, to bring her spirits back

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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Lunas_Daughter

Lunas_Daughter #1 · Nov 10th, 2013 · 2 · ·

another gore story..........................

Lunas_Daughter

Lunas_Daughter #2 · Nov 10th, 2013 · · ·

Flutters

Flutter's

im

I'm

Dashes

Dash's

Rainbow87dash

Rainbow87dash #3 · Nov 10th, 2013 · · ·

Its Soarin not Sorian

Also

"Y'all ok back there?" he said, kicking the cart open
"fine, thank you" Sorain nodded, and helped Rainbow out
"t-thank you Big Mac" RainbowDash stuttered
"any time miss" He nodded and walked off

They need to be capitalised and the sentences spread out.

The pacing is also pretty bad, May i suggest getting an editor?

lmagine

lmagine #4 · Nov 10th, 2013 · 3 · 2 ·

Well, this was disappointing. Clearly, the pacing was terrible and you don't tell us when the scene is changing. The grammar is way off, the story is tell-y, and the idea is dull and predictable.

rarerarity

rarerarity #5 · Nov 10th, 2013 · 2 · 2 ·

Wow. I love the plot and stuff. But you are going way too quickly into it. Really, you should explain the accident in one chapter. Rainbow in the hospital in the next. And then her coming out in the third, along with meeting her friends. Everything is crammed into one chapter. And I doubt that the hospital would let her out that early.

But yet again, it is your story. You choose what happens. I think this story has potential. It just needs to go slowly and settle slightly. But I still like it.