- Member Since 18th Mar, 2017
- offline last seen Mar 30th, 2017
AnimusAdVolatum
I'm fairly new to the brony fandom, but I want to contribute and encourage. So here I am. (My name means willingness to fly in Latin.)
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Poor Scootaloo. She stlll had her life ahead of her.
That was pretty good for a first fic. I liked it well enough . And don't feel bad for making it a bit dark theres nothing wrong with a dark story.
8032936 Thank you so much :)
8032934 Yeahh :/ my b heh
8032950 You're welcome. In fact I think I'll give you a follow and see ware this goes.
8032959 I thank ya kindly! Idk when I will begin posting my next fic though.
8032974 Take your time. I don't have any written myself. Tho I am working on one but I'm a procrastinator.
8032976 I know how that feels. I've been working on one for about three years now and only have a few chapters written.. Heh... But that one is a lot more serious to me than this one was. I wrote this at five am lol
Ah, the first story. Normally, they are festooned with grammatical errors and structured in a way that makes your eyes bleed. But for a first story, this is quite good!
I always like to watch people on this site grow, so I'll list some of your readily apparent strengths and weaknesses.
Strengths of the story:
~ Some genuinely haunting lines. The vivid imagery of the bloodied clothes actually made me feel slightly uneasy.
~ Grammar is perfect and so is the structure, everything feels organized and professional. Which is necessary on this site.
Weaknesses of the story:
~ Its too short. To be honest, there just isn't much sadness because everything goes by in a flash. Most writers would prolong the mention of Rainbow Dash's death but by the eighth line it's just there.
~ The ending is kind of awkward. The quote is beautiful, don't get me wrong. It's the random dump of exposition that sort of takes you out of the story. Here's some advice, no one likes exposition. Anywhere. Especially when its just vomited in a big pile of words.
There are more strengths and more weaknesses I could mention but these are the "main" ones. Honestly, I enjoyed reading it for a first story and I see a lot of potential. If you keep writing and take the advice people give you, I'm sure you can sit up there with the ranks of Estee and Pen Stroke.
8033880 Thank you for the tips. I felt the same way about the end, but I did write this at five am. I will be sure to take your advice to heart in my next story.
I liked it, but like another one said, it was too short. The reactions of the 6 mane were not very emotional. They basically just made arrangements, or that's what it felt like. If that's the way they coped, then it should have been more explicit, something like "Rarity focused on recalling the suits and managing refunds, as a way to distract herself from the pain in her chest."
I also think the Luna scene should be more direct. If she came to tell a message, then she should tell it. If the message is interrupted, then it is interrupted. It kinda felt a bit "No, I'm not going to tell you, well, ok, I will."
Lastly, I think that if they were going to give the uniform of Rainbow Dash to Scootaloo, nopony in their right mind would have given it with the blood still on it to a child. They either destroy it during the effort to revive her, or clean it for the relatives. It would have been better to say that it still had some blood stains that they couldn't wash off or something.
Having said that, it's just my taste and preferences. But it's your story, not mine, and I still liked it.
Wait, so what happened to RD?Is she dead too?I understood that Scootaloo drowned, but what happened to RD?
this tugs at your heartstrings :(