Cheerilee broke into a cold sweat as she backed away from the line of menacing ducks. “What exactly is going on here?” she said quietly to the cringing stallion.
“You didn’t say anything about a pond!” Summer Blaze whispered, his eyes wild. As three more ducks landed nearby, he skipped back, ramming his rump painfully into a tree.
“Why in Equestria would I?!” Cheerilee shot back, trembling as the ducks began to advance. “We were going on a scenic walk! The pond is beautiful!” To her left, a duck pulled out a small whetstone, running it along the edge of its bill. The swick-swick sound the stone made sent a shiver up the mare’s spine. “Usually,” she finished quietly.
“Look, I just got into some trouble with ducks a while back,” Summer Blaze said, his voice quivering. “It’s nothing, really. Just a misunderstanding, but you try telling that to a bunch of ducks!”
Cheerilee felt the familiar pressure building behind her eyes. Until a few moments ago, the date had been going so well that it was almost a relief when the ducks had suddenly landed all around them, encircling the pair and terrifying them with a cacophony of menacing quacks. Why would I expect anything different? Cheerilee thought, sighing.
“We’re gonna have to make a break for it,” Summer said, scanning the line of foul-tempered fowl for a weak link. “If they catch us, we’re done for!”
“Why am I done for?!” Cheerilee hissed. “You’re the one who’s apparently double-crossed the ducks! What does it have to do with me?!” She winced as the mallard before her raised its webbed foot. A nearby pochard curled his foot into a fist, slamming it into the mallard’s outstretched appendage. As they ground fist into palm, the mallard squeezed, cracking the pochard’s knuckles while they both stared at the mare with malice.
“They aren’t going to care!” Summer said, swallowing hard. “It’s guilt by association with these guys.”
“S-so what are we going to—aah!” Cheerilee said, skipping away as a duck lunged in, pecking aggressively at her hoof.
“No choice!” Summer Blaze said, rearing. “We’re gonna have to run for it!” Snarling, the stallion lowered his head and charged the line of ducks. As they scattered, several surrounded him, pecking Summer viciously and tearing out chucks of mane. The rest took to the air, diving at Cheerilee.
Squeezing her eyes tightly closed, Cheerilee screamed as she shot after the stallion. All around her, she could smell the pungent aroma of unwashed feathers and blood. Sweet Celestia, what have I gotten myself into this time?! she thought as she risked cracking an eye open.
She regretted it immediately as a duck rose directly in front of her, stabbing at her face rapidly with its blood-flecked bill. Shrieking, she reared and swatted the duck with her hooves, wincing at the sound of breaking feathers as it spiraled into a nearby bush.
Several strides ahead of her, Summer Blaze leapt erratically, attempting to dodge the multitude of angry anatidae that bedeviled him. “Quick, in here—argh!” he shouted as a pecten latched onto his ear. Spinning, Summer slammed his rear hooves into the door of the park’s tool shed. “We’ll be done for if we stay out here in the open!”
Too frightened to respond, Cheerilee poured on as much speed as she could muster and dove into the tiny shack, shivering and bleeding from several painful nips. Summer leaned against the door, forcing it closed as the weight of several dozen ducks slammed into the other side. With a grunt, he pushed it closed, pressing his body against the door. Cheerilee pointed with a shaking hoof at the flapping wings caught between the door and the jamb. Grimacing, Summer Blaze opened the door a hair as she poked at the wings with a rake, forcing them outside. Both ponies shrank from the horrible quacking that surrounded the half-rotten wooden structure.
“Grab those bags of fertilizer!” Summer said, pointing into the corner behind Cheerilee. “I broke the lock when I kicked the door open. We’ll use the bags as a brace!”
Grunting, Cheerilee curled her hooves around the rough seam of the closest burlap sack, straining to wrestle the heavy bag into position. Summer Blaze’s muscles stood out from his neck as he fought to keep the door closed. On the other side, the ducks were rhythmically slamming into the door over and over; an avian battering ram. With a shout, Cheerilee lifted the bag, heaving it the last few feet before returning for another.
“I just can’t believe this,” Summer Blaze muttered, pressing the heavy bag against the door. With its additional weight, the ducks were making far less of an impact. “Of all the places we could have gone, we ended up at a pond.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know you’d make enemies with every duck in Equestria?” Cheerilee growled as she dragged a second bag across the dirt floor.
“It’s not your fault,” Summer sighed. “You couldn’t… It’s… I don’t even know where to start.”
“Find a place,” the mare said, groaning as she heaved the second back onto the first. Wiping her brow, she stared at the stallion until he looked away, embarrassed. “If I’m going to be trapped in a smelly tool shed, surrounded by blood-thirsty ducks, I should at least know why!”
“Well, the truth is that I don’t even know why, exactly,” the stallion said, hissing as he probed some of his deeper wounds to check the damage.
“What do you mean you don’t know?” Cheerilee cried, waving her hooves above her head. “How can you get attacked by ducks everywhere you go and not know how it started?!”
“Look, I’m not exactly fluent in Duck, okay?!” he shot back, rising to his hooves again. “I just don’t know for sure.” Both ponies cringed as the ducks hit the door with greater force, and Summer Blaze hopped on the stack of fertilizer, pressing his back against the door. Cheerilee skipped nervously into the center of the room as the ducks began to stare in from the gaps in between the walls' wooden planks.
“Well, you’ve got to have some theory!” Cheerilee said as her eyes rolled slowly up to the ceiling. The tin roof was groaning from the weight of who knew how many webbed feet.
“It all goes back to bread crumbs,” the stallion said.
“Excuse me?” Cheerilee said, blinking.
“I was at this lake in Detrot several years ago, and there were all these bags of bread crumbs just sitting around!” he replied, leaning his head back against the door and wearily closing his eyes. “None of the ducks were even touching them. Just bags and bags of delicious crumbs.”
“You’re telling me that you ate all the ducks' crumbs and now they hate you?” Cheerilee said skeptically.
“No,” Summer said, shaking his head. “Well, yes, but that’s not the whole story.” The stallion rested his forehead in a hoof. “Look, I just really like bread, okay?” he said, gazing across at Cheerilee with an eye rimmed with fatigue. “When I saw all those bags, I just went nuts! How was I supposed to know it was supposed to be a peace offering between the warring duck and geese gangs?! I mean, who’s even heard of that?! The geese stomped off and the ducks declared some sort of vendetta on me.”
“What?!” Cheerilee shouted. “If you think I’m going to believe—”
“Look out there, will you?!” Summer Blaze shouted back, pointing his hoof to where a duck was trying to force its bill through an especially large crack in the wall. “I know it’s insane, but these ducks are serious!” Summer dropped his head back into his hooves. “It’s been hell…”
“If you want to know hell, buster,” Cheerilee said, rubbing the aching space between her eyes, “you should try getting a decent date in this town!”
I...I...no words....*waits eagerly for next chapter*
...'kay.
I know man, the duck mafia never lets anything go. Just as well it wasn't the swans, you'll never even see them coming.
Ducks.
You made a date involving a gang of ducks.
...
I love you for your genius mind.
~Skeeter The Lurker
The stallions of Ponyville aren't all they're quacked up to be.
This is getting ridiculous. ...........And I love it!
3508011. BA DUM TISS
At least it wasn't ospreys.
3508011 Well, to be fair, Summer Blaze is from Detrot.
...
I do believe that sums up my reaction to this chapter quite nicely.
3508037 Believe me, I haven't begun to get ridiculous with this stuff. I'm being very restrained. As time goes on, and all the normal stories have been used, I'm going to have to get more and more weird.
3505990 Do you work for a sales team? I do. I don't feel sorry for him in the least. I loathe him! Well, I do feel a little sorry for him that his wife died, but that's it!
3507882 Gonna take a break from this for a bit to work on some other stuff. I'll be back to Cheerilee probably over the weekend, though.
3507941 Swans just disappear you. One day you're there, the next you're gone. They never even find any white feathers at the scene. The only thing those birds leave is an air of mystery.
3507976 I work with a lot of Filthy Riches. I know them very well…
3507994 I'm not sure "genius" is the word. "Special" is probably closer to the mark.
3508360 Or, even worse, the chaospreys from my Discord story!
3508365 Hey, man! Ducks are serious business, and those ducks were seriously pissed!
3508536
Oh my god, I just remembered that. I wonder how Discord's doing with his counterspells.
3508369 A date being the subject of a vendetta of ducks. Yeah, totally restrained and not-ridiculous.
Liarjackplz
3508577 Well, you're right about that. I did let this one get pretty ridiculous, but of all my ridiculous ideas, this was the tamest one.
You've topped yourself here. This was amazing. First one I've flat out laughed at. Ducks are serious business, but at the same time inherently funny. Well done.
3509155 Thanks! I'm happy you are enjoying the story.
This is basically a big experiment to me. I'm trying lots of different comedy iterations in these vignettes. This is the first one that I've done that's truly absurd, but it sure won't be the last!
Also, I think ducks are inherently hilarious, too. Everything about them is funny, so I wanted to use that by flipping it around and making them deadly serious. It creates an amusing contradiction in my head.
I think this guy's a keeper. Also, geese are nazis.
You publish new chapters fast! It is allways a plecur to come home from school and find that an other hilerius chapter is relised! I wish it could last for ever! You deserve a favorit marking!
3510742 I'm glad you are enjoying them. This is going to be it for a little while, though. I need to get back to my other stories, but I'll probably write another chapter or two Saturday and Sunday.
3510773
Okay! I can allways read the other chapters again!
A duck and geese mafia? If I'm not mistaken, that's a reference from Regular Show, isn't it?
3510845 I've never seen The Regular Show, so it's not an intentional one. I think ducks are an all-purpose comedy item, so it's not surprising that other people are using them that way, too.
3510955 Oh... Just wondering.
Amazing story, by the way.
3510970 Thank you! It's been really fun to write, so I'm happy that you are enjoying it!
"Shh, it'll be okay. Whatever those bad ponies did to you, I won't let them do it again."
:cheerileehuh: "But I didn't even do anything!"
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU HORRIBLE MARE"
:cheerileedespair:
3511058 I guess she can cross Fluttershy off the list of potential dates now, too...
How many ponies will she date before she realizes that none of them are going to go well?
(I'm going to take a guess and say that some of these are going to be dates with OCs?)
3513159 Most of them have been OCs. The first pony that ate the mushroom, Stormbolt, Gridiron, and Summer Blaze are all OCs. She might be better sticking with the show's ponies…
3513202 Then she may have to look for dates from her side of the fence, if you know what I mean.
3513535 I'm already on top of that, my friend.
3513580 I'll be waiting...
Where's the Duck Hunt Dog when you need him?
3514280 What the duck did I just watch?
3516037 An actual clip from the first arc of Sailor Moon R. And it was from the infamous DiC English Dub.
3523277 Yes. Yes, I did. Thanks for that!
Man, with everyone suppository so nice, cheerilee is having a ton of bad dates
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
Ha ha what the hell XD
A gang war between ducks and geese is oddly plausible and definitely hilarious.
small typos: Pochard, not ponchard; and anatidae is plural, s not needed.
And that's when I started rolling on the floor. This reminds me of when you attack the chickens in zelda. Hilarious!
I'll just leave this here...
We have a pond near where I live and sometimes, I'll go with my mom and aunt to feed the ducks and geese that live there. Ducks are vicious when properly motivated, so I can say without a reasonable doubt that this is 100% accurate.
Don't mess with the ducks.
They're ducked