Meet Joseph, He's home schooled, plays games, and like most people, bored, most of the time, but something happened that changed his life.
This is my first fanfiction, and please tell me why you don't like the story if you don't like it, Thank you!
All rights reserved to Hasbro, for using MLP characters, This is the product of sleeping in the car.
Hope you enjoy!
(Ponies will be human, but the Pegasi will still have wings, and the unicorns do magic with there hands instead of horns.)
Thanks to Arcane.weilder for editing my story!
Chapters (5)
Good start, especially for your first story.
not bad. it caught my interest. tho the first chapter is abit short, that's abit normal and it's your first story. i'll follow since i wanna know what'll happen
It's really good so far. There are a few things I'd like to point out, though.
1) Nearing the end, you said "the bus form earlier". But... there was never a bus earlier! Maybe go back and mention the bus? Or maybe there doesn't need to be a bus at all! Joseph can just look up and see that Luna is gone,
2) ~"Thank you," She smiled and began walking beside me.
"I've had a long day, and being all by myself isn't helping at all."
"What happened?" I asked.~
When that ^^^ is said in the story. I was a bit confused, because Luna had spoke, and then you skipped a line. I assumed Joseph was speaking next, but it was still Luna. I would suggest fixing that as to avoid confusion with others. =w=
3) The cat bothered me slightly. How it felt like suddenly, there was just a random cat added to the story for no reason. It seemed unnecessary. I'm not saying you have to get rid of it, but it's just a suggestion, seeing as it seems irrelevant to the story and just out of place. (Please correct me if I'm wrong. xD)
But it seems interesting so far! Keep up the good work!
~Macintosh Approved
3446398 lol it looks like my editor took out the bus I mentioned earlier and I forgot to put it back in
Not bad at all. But one bit of advice, you should use the Tab button when beginning a paragraph.
Otherwise, good story. In this story, it takes place in the human world with Equestrians walking around? Or is it a mirror portal story?
3485159 I would guess it'd be a mirror portal story, if what I'm thinking is what you're talking about.
Thank you for the advice I will make a note of that for the future and try my best to correct it,
I'm not that good with knowing were a paragraph ends, so If you have any examples to help or any sites to go to I would appreciate the help 
3485217 I occasionally struggle with how much to put in a paragraph. But what I can say is when you're describing a scene in for example, the castle, you want to include what the characters are doing, and not put in pointless things, like what colors the carpets are unless it matters to further the plot. (Plot...heheh. No wait...
)
3485246 hahaha okay I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the help
Hi! I really really really love this fanfic! Pretty please keep writing! If you want, I'm willing to edit for you if you ever need one. Also, if you don't mind, will you look at my stories and tell me what you think? You're a fantastic writer!
I LOVE IT! Please keep writing!
