Okay, uh, is- is this thing on?
Ok, good.
Um, my name is Rainbow Dash, and I am a Pegasus pony from Equestria.
Is-is that why I'm in a mental facility? Because I am not crazy.
Like I said before, do not call me Sara. Terrible name.
Fine, I will tell you what exactly happened...
Page generated in 0.09 seconds
Total duration
942 users online
475,586 hits today, 2,156,967 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is terrible. There's no actual story, the chapters are woefully short, there's no explanation of what happened and you released it all at once.
It's almost like you want to get a lot of thumbs down and never have anybody read this ever again.
3460174
I lost all interest in wanting to read this when I saw the "spell misfire" cliché/trope mentioned in the story description.
Oh God.
I feel like I was sodomized by tree limbs.
...
Er, I don't feel comfortable after reading this. All the terrible cliches and dull writing. I could never understand what was going on in this story!
Well, I read it.
Sadly, most of the comments are right. It is pretty bad. No offense, but I am surprised this was approved.
Don't know why I read it, but I did. I believe this story needs a Random tag, when you don't have a coherent plot you get a Random tag. Of course that wouldn't help with the insane amount of grammar issues that make this story...painful to read.
3460634 Please, do tell me the grammar issues, I guess a Chrome book isn't a good spell check
3460174 I do want people to read this. If you have any advice, you can give it via Private Message.
3460221 What is a spell misfire cliché?
3460299 I am still offended.
3460634 Again with the grammar? Really?!
3484349
While I don't have time to go through the whole thing right now, I'll give you some pointers.
When writing dialogue you often put "had said". There is no need to use the word "had", it just makes the whole sentence awkward to read. I recommend deleting all instances like this and just using the word "said". For example: "...," said Rarity.
For an example sentence that does several things wrong we can look at this:
"Okay, well, girls, this is the greatest, hardest spell ever. The last pony to do it was never heard from again...so I need pure concentration. Just...stand around." Twilight Sparkle was commanding.
First off the last period within the quotation marks should be a comma in this case, because the sentence continues. Also "Twilight Sparkle was commanding" would read much better as "Twilight Sparkle commanded". Your comma use is also quite erratic in this sentence (and most of your story, usually with either too many or too few). For example the first sentence in this dialogue, while I can't exactly correct because I'm not entirely sure what it is trying to say, has at least one too many commas which makes it difficult to read. Ellipses, which are the triple dot you use, are usually only used when someone's speech is trailing off, not for pauses. When trying to show a pause in dialogue, a better option would to put an actual break in the speech, as in putting that part of the speech in a separate set of quotations with an action of some sort inbetween.
I also recall several instances of improper apostrophe use. Remember that a word with an 's is used to show possession, and a word with just an s is used to make it plural. Except in the case of the word it in which it's means it is and its is the possessive form. There are other words that follow similar rules such as that's being that is. Always remember the difference between your and you're as well.
This of course only touches on some general grammar issues. There is also a very difficult sense of progression from sentence to sentence to follow, which is one of the reasons I think you should give it a random tag. That and the very (what I believe is the plot) random plot.
3484349
Also, I can't speak for chrome book, but just about every word processor whether it be from Microsoft, Google, or Apple is going to have a lot of problems when they correct for grammar (even spellcheck can have issues, but they are much less frequent) and doesn't replace a good read through by someone who is somewhat well versed in the English language. MS Word is probably the best one for catching mistakes, but it also makes a lot of mistakes.
Go through and read it aloud. See what sounds off. If it sounds off, it most likely is off, and then try to figure out why and/or where it sounds off. Once you know that a simple google search can tell you the grammar rule to follow.
3484349
You want advice? What part of, "There's no actual story, the chapters are woefully short, there's no explanation of what happened and you released it all at once, " did you miss?
There's no actual story: this is nothing but a bunch of words thrown together but it's not telling a story. What it's doing is effectively telling the same thing from different points of view. After the third time there's very little new you can add to it without going over the same things you've said previously.
The chapters are short: Your longest chapter is 410 words and your shortest one is only 163. A good writer can tell a story in short little snippets, just pure nuggets of story with no filler. A poor writer needs a little more details and stuff going on to give their story weight. Also people will see it's only 1763 words which is barely worth their time for a one shot.
No explanation: Twilight tries a spell and they're now in America. Why? What possible reason could there be for Twilight to try an untried spell that will send all six of them elsewhere? The fact that she's attempting this with the others is one thing. The fact that the spell effectively goes wrong is another thing entirely.
You released it all at once: this is a surefire way for a story to be lost and buried. Unless you have a boatload of followers who are eagerly awaiting your next story, never release every single chapter at once. It stays on the main page for maybe an hour or possibly more if it's a slow day then disappears never to be seen again. Yes, some people might do a search or they might go through the stories published today but chances are the majority will not go very far through that list.
So there you go, you have an almost perfect storm of bad writing that almost assures people will never read this again.
This story wasn´t that bad(Maybe a bit confusing at moments, but other than that, it was something fresh and original, like something I´ve never read before):
I don´t know why there is so much negativty expressed on the comments.
Do they become human in this?