ImmaSpikez
Joined 4th Mar, 2012 ·
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There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors, paragraphs are too long and dialogue should be separated from the rest of the paragraphs. I'm no expert though, I have been criticised a lot about technical parts of my writing and I have been taking advice improving. I've also had a lot of practice writing, I'm also probably older then you.
So although I don't think this is very good I can see potential and I don't want you to give up from bad reviews. Normally I would stop reading here, but out of appreciation I will see it through the other two chapters.
295075
Ok. BTW im 14.
Dyslexic.
It's 'tried' not 'tryed'.
'Boredom', not 'boredness'.
You description of the sex is okay, it's just not detailed enough, it can hardly be clopped to.
You need to write as if your readers don't know My Little Pony back to front. Sure, I know that it must be Big Mac saying "eeyup". But you need to clearly show which character is speaking. This is why you should separate your dialogue.
Here, I'll edit the Big Mac dialogue for you as an example.
AppleBloom started screaming. She was having an orgasam. Big Mac let out a confused sigh. If she wanted it so badly, then this can't be her first time! AppleBloom shouted,
"Are you gonna Cum?"
"Eeyup" replied Big Mac
"Ok! Applebloom replied. "When I say go I want you to get off me and cum on me!"
"Eeyup" agreed Big Mac. He went so hard that AppleBloom had another orgasam! While it was happening AppleBloom screamed
"GOOOO" As Big Mac jumped off her AppleBloom and Big Mac both cummed at the same time. Big Mac and AppleBloom layed down and looked up at the sky. AppleBloom Shouted.
"Oh no! AppleJack will be coming back!"
"Eeyup" Big Mac nodded.
"Do you think she will catch us?" Applebloom asked.
"Nope" Big Mac replied, shaking his head.
"Then if thats what you think then we should clean up!" Applebloom panicked.
Notice that I express what emotion each character is expressing and I clearly show who is speaking. I'm no expert myself I am new to story writing too. It's mainly non-fiction news articles or first person blogs I have written. Stories are a whole different can of worms, with their own rules.
Good Luck.
'laid' not layed.
'orgasm' not orgasam.
Even this site has an automatic spell checker, you should use it.
Sorry to be harsh, but harsh criticism is best to help you grow as a writer. Don't take it as an insult, take it as a genuine interest from me to see you improve. We could always use more writers in the pony fandom.
295143
Its ok :D
Im just having a hard time with these stupid cracks on my screen.
295143
Imma put the big mac dialouge in and put in (Proof Read by The Mystery Fluttershy Fan)
Okay I'm sorry, I don't really know what being dyslexic involves.
295151
Being stupid at a certain subject.
Mine = Spelling
295143
Btw i dont expect people to clop to mine. (Even though I...I...I clopped to one of you're chapters once.
More spelling errors. Most can be found if you just watch for the red strikes when you edit it.
Words are not suppose to have capitals in the middle of them. Everypony, not EveryPony.
Anyway, I am 25, so don't feel too bad. You can become a better writer it just takes practice.
Spelling and grammar can be overlooked by a lot of people including myself if the story is interesting. Believe it or not I'm not a grammar nazi and I hate people who call my story crap for little things like where my commas are. "Or my fullstops being before or after a line of dialogue". "dialogue."
Anyway, keep it up.
Fluttershy demands it.
295163
Oh don't you worry I have clopped to many stories. That's why I wanted to give back to the clopfic community, with a crappy Fluttershy rape fic. But with all the feedback and fans it is getting, It's becoming more then that. I'm starting to take it seriously.
295190
THX.
BTW ur story made me cum :(
295217
I should be horrified that you told me that....
but it means I did a good job writing, thank you.
295242
My cracks got worse :(
'maybe' not maby
'Twilight's', 'Rarity's' etc. Not Twilights, Raritys.
Don't put random Capitals in the Middle of a sentence. << like I just did.
dismantled his Dick and layed on her back. << mainly talking about that sentence. also it's 'laid'
Other then that good job it is great to see your sentence structure, paragraphs and grammar improve a lot since the last chapter. At this rate you will become a great writer.
Overall the best bit of advice I can give you is.
Read other fanfics that are considered well written and mimic them. I wouldn't even consider mine that good.
Read Fallout Equestria, read the clopfics in the grammatically good fics thread on the message boards here. Also read published novels.
296646
Thx.
Btw how do you spell dissapered ?
Btw theres gonna be a twist to this
I have to tell you at first I though this story was really bad, But as it when on I started to see improvements in the writing and know I can say that I really do like it.
Keep up the good work.
303116
thx!
Btw do you notice anything about rainbow Dash?
i was not expecting that bit near the end......looks like dash will be having a dragon/pegasus mix baby also first!
306934
Thx.
Btw next chapter there is a compition.
306934 You were NOT expecting that?
Please tell me you are trolling.
307802
Please tell me your trying to troll him
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/005/635/63e51038_f4b0_682c.jpg
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/244/512/258.jpg
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/262/384/add.jpg
myfacewhen.net/uploads/727-computer-reaction-face-gun-shoot-head-suicide-an-hero.png
308649 Great, now I've got two trolls. Might as well start doing it myself.
Um. This story is made of... Unhappiness, and you both smell like... Apricots.
I'm sorry about that. You're not mad at me are you? PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME!
309051
Nah. I don't know what a troll is! Srsly!
I cant believe on what i just wrote.
But then again I'm happy about what happened at da end ;)
huh
negativity isn't my thing so i will say this
i thought it had great potential and im pretty sure i could'nt do better, but it still could have been WAy better but still a good (if unorthodox) idea
315342
Read the rest of the storie much?
316064 I did although I'm not sure how that is supposed to have anything to do with my comment
316215
"It had been a long time since they were going out"
As you can see she kept it untill she was ready
316246 huh… how did I miss that?
307802 no im not trolling.....i honestly didnt expect that
316277
:D
People please.
If ur gonna track my storie rate it good?
thx
316306
What do you think of the baby scene?
Well, this is my first comment here, and I have to say that this story was really good!
Mouctache Spikes out of 5.
Just don't listen to haters ;)
There were a lot of spelling mistakes and that's why you get
Anyway, keep up the good work and write more stories!
323459
Are you good at proof reading?
If you are... could you redo Chapter 1 for me and send me it PM? I give credit!
318998 i thought it was good!
326945
Teqa Mercie!
Aka
Thanks alot!
Through out all my life I finally get it.
If you like somthing. Then dislike. They get +1 and like gets -1
OMFG IT ANSWERS EVERYTHING
323531 Well, I'm not perect at proof-reading but I could try to correct some mistakes, as well as capilal lettes in middle of sentence thingie... (Had problem with it myslef, I often wrote a capital letter in middle of sentence :\).
I will give it a shot and I will send it later today/tomorrow ;)
329504
thx
This story is what abortion doctors picture to make their jobs easier.
337594
337596 You're worse at writing than the doctor who accidentally punched you for thirty minutes instead of giving you a circumcision. You write the same way you pee: out of a stupid vagina. These garbage stories you make are inhumane attempts at population control.