Everypony's gone camping and it's Twilight's turn to tell a story. Apparently nobody wants a science lecture, so she tries her hoof at a scary story. A tale of foalhood, and a strange presence...
Author's Notes: A story I've been holding onto for a long time, but finally had a chance to release thanks to my good friend Flint Sparks.
I know the title says otherwise, but I'm looking at the picture going both upstairs and downstairs
That was awesome! It's scary, yet not scary in all the same way.
You know what is really scary about this story...
Half of the time Shining Armor is the big brother...
Half the time...
He is the little brother!
PARADOX!
3392958
That threw me too
3393006>>3392958
Fixed. Really sorry about that. Don't know how I missed it :/
3392874 Damn you Dunsparce, I can't unsee that now
My reading of this story was unfortunately tainted by having heard a live reading of the story that inspired it. Unfortunately before it got to the real scary part, it turned out to be a trollpasta and cut to the "Everybody do the Dinosaur" video, which totally killed the mood of scary. I was half expecting something similar and failed to immerse myself fully into the atmosphere.
You made it sound like a real haunted story. Reminds me of when I used to watch the TV show The Haunted
I found this story funny.
this actually scared me
god I'm a wimp
Das a downstairs pic doe
3394187 Maybe... the camera is upstairs already!
i.qkme.me/3su2wh.jpg
Damn, can't find a good picture. Oh well, just remember Twilight, just because it's been stalking you for years doesn't mean that it's malevolent. FRIENDSHIP
There are a lot of details in Twilight's story that are very incongruous with what we know from canon. It almost sounds like you plagiarized this story, changed a few words, and added the bookends.
This actually scared me.
I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP!
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I actually wrote the story last year for my senior project. That might be the reason for some of that. I assure that I did write this story though.
Ndoiefior Why
No, stop it
Really, stop
MY FREAKING BEDROOM IS ON THE SECOND FLOOR
Sorry, but this fell really flat for me. Like, it didn't scare me at all, and didn't make me invested in it. because... I can't put a hoof on why... I'll think about it and get back to you. Like, it didn't give me a reason WHY I should be scared. Maybe it would be different if I was reading it by myself at night in the dark instead of sitting In a Taco Bell/pizza hut combo in broad daylight surrounded by people.
Also, the appearance of computers with printers and Pokemon was extremely jarring. If you're going to re use a school story, I'd suggest tweaking it a bit more.
Sorry to be an ass,
But this gets a down vote.
Pretty good! I noticed a few spelling mistakes and some things that needed rephrasing, but not too bad overall.
*thinks that the white thing in the bushes is Sweetie*
*Seeetie was in tent*
Twilight : HOW DID YOU
FOLLOW ME!?
Ghost: Yes...
Twilight: AHHHHHHHH
https://youtu.be/azEG47k_c1U
Amusing, though if you recast this as being EQG, a lot of the story would make more sense.
Something similar like that happened to me in real life, but instead I was in the store with my mom and got separated for a bit, I was alone in one of the aisles when I heard my dad calling my name but he wasn't with us. He was out of state.
Of course I was a young child then so maybe I imagined it because I missed him.
I am reading this alone at night and I am legit terrified, the "white face out of the corner of your eye thing" agh