I am an average everyday brony. I like to let my creative juices flow and create things. I'm always striving to improve, so I hope you enjoy my stories.
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Fluttershy spends a typical day with her pet bunny.
Written as part of the One-shotober challenge.
Previous stories:
Rainbow Rides the Gravy Train (Romance/Random/Slice of Life)
Rainbow Dash and the End of Daring Do (Slice of Life)
Luna Reads Her Fanmail (Random/Slice of Life)
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Typical day with angel? Sounds harmless
*scrolls down a bit*
A Dark Tag??
Oh boy, this is going to be fun
Okay, what is it with the people I watch offing Angel Bunny today? Are you and Mercury Zero part of some kind of anti-laporidae conspiracy?
3312332
We're actually good friends!
This was the shittiest shit I've ever read. Your story is shittier than a shitty butt you piece of shit.
I hate you.
3312332
We've been caught! Eat the microfilm, we have to burn the operation!
Well that was certainly… unexpected
This story is rather well done in my opinion with the exception of one real factor, the reveal came to suddenly without enough hinting. Instead of the steady building of dread that one should be getting as their mind begins to realize that something is wrong, I instead got normal normal normal reveal. This is easily fixed however by sprinkling in a few comments that might seem like throw away comments such as commenting on how thing his coat was getting, that he really needed a bath and was beginning to smell, or even changing it so that it's a vulture or other carrion eater that is poking around Angel's corpse.
There is also the fact that, while I liked this story, it really didn't do anything special. I almost felt like it was done by a machine or by checking off boxes on a list. This is not to say it was bad just, generic.
I did however like how well characterized Fluttershy was and how you even made Angel's corpse seem almost like it was still the living thing. Those are both tricks that can trip a lot of people up.
3312809
Well, I did drop hints. Such as how I said that he was sick, but 'got better'. Also how he 'wouldn't eat' and everytime he moved, it was Fluttershy interacting with him. So I did drop hints. But thank you for the advice.
3312809
This sums up my feelings quite a bit as well. There seemed to be a really sudden transition that made me look back and wonder if I missed something. I think a jarring reveal is something that could benefit a story like this, and it definitely did hit me hard in the creepies, but it was tainted somewhat by also hitting me in the WTFs.
Also, I wouldn't say that there should have been more hints. There should have been more escalating tensions. You're right about the normal normal normal reveal, but it's not just the 'reveal' part of that which should have been changed. It should have been an even more escalating curve (or arc, if you will) where it goes very normal, normal but messed up, something creepy is happening, something OVERTLY creepy is happening zomg what is it??, reveal
For example, before the reveal, Fluttershy could say 'You're smelly Angel, I need to give you a bath again, but you got to promise not to let the rest of your fur fall off.' and it could escalate to 'You haven't eaten in weeks, that's not good for you,' and escalate to 'Mama's gonna put you back in the freezer, okay?'
The beginning had the problem too. There was this vacillation of 'angel misbehaves' 'fluttershy rebukes' over and over, rather than escalating his misbehavior, so it always felt like it just put me back at the same place I just was to go through it again but slightly different.
Also, it might have been extra special creepy if you hinted that Fluttershy was going mad. If she screamed and cried when the badger eyed Angel, and had a completely overblown over-reaction that would have added to the creepy factor. (But, as with every overreaction or out of the ordinary thing in a story, you have to actually acknowledge it. You would have to point out to the reader that even the author knows this is weird, if you tried that.)
I think the story did pretty well with showing, and not telling. I never felt like the story was lecturing me, and the dialog felt fairly natural (albeit, a little bit OOC for Fluttershy at times when she got overly harsh, although I think that actually added something. It served as a little bit of 'misdirection' that made me think that maybe Fluttershy was going to snap and feed angel to the dogs.)
>that feel
3312514 - Oh go blow it out your ass, troll. Sure this is a dark story, but its not that bad. If you are particularly masochistic, go read My Immorta (though its more likely that you'll die laughing from the awfulness), The Eye of Argon, Cupcakes, or Sweet Apple Massacre.
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Hey! I happened to LIKE Cupcakes! It was one of the first fics that I ever read!