Applebloom hangs out with Caramel

TheGreatSako #1 · Oct 23rd, 2013 · 9 · ·

I'd say this one is better than your last. The sex scenes seem more...fleshed out and descriptive. Also, I like your choice of fetishes.

You did better with the climax, it carried a lot more, mmm, not really sure what to describe it as...empathy? It conveyed the fact that they reached climax through body language, sounds and overall "feeling". However, I still feel that it was a bit lacking in the cum department, although the problem is very minor this time. It feels pretty boring to pretty much just read "he shot his seed into her". At this point, though, I wouldn't argue against this just being an opinion thing.

Caramel let out a deep, guttural groan as he slammed into the filly one last time, feeling her juices splashing out and smashing into his hips as her hips squeezed down so tight onto him that he was about to swear it was going to be ripped off.

I dunno, maybe you like it, but if it was unintentional I'd say be careful about avoiding things that imply...mutilation. Also it reads awkwardly when you say "his hips as her hips squeezed" not only does the, "hips as her hips" sound a little strange, but hips don't really..."squeeze". You could replace that with "tight, youthful muscles". Also, "so tight onto him that he was about to swear it was going to be", try actually speaking this phrase. It doesn't really flow very well off the tongue, it kind of just tumbles out of the mouth like if you were vomiting alphabet soup.

Caramel let out a deep, guttural groan as he slammed into the filly one last time, feeling her juices splashing out and smashing into his hips as her tight, youthful muscles clamped down on his member with their velvety soft vice grip.

This would still convey just how hard she was having orgasm while still making it sound pleasant. Or, at the very least, not unpleasant...

One last thing, I don't know just how into musk you are, but I think it could have gone further. It wasn't bad, it certainly delivered on the expectation of musk play. If you attempt it again you could make them really get into it, there's not need to abandon the concept of olfactory pleasure just because they start having sex. You could draw out the sniffing scenes by maybe one more paragraph, just really driving it home that they bury themselves in there, and just inhale harder than a coke fiend. There's lots of mixed scents to be had when having raunchy, sweaty sex, too. You could draw attention to them simply gasping for air, desperate to smell more of their mixed, post-farm work odors as they fuck themselves silly. And of course, they're equines, they have fur, and fur likes to get matted down with fluids and smells. Also their manes; the mane tugging was a really nice touch, I like rough sex, and their manes are also a great location for their particular scents.

I really liked this one, and true to the purpose of porn, I just had to rub one out to it. I can't wait to read more from you!

Icudeadnow

Icudeadnow #2 · Oct 23rd, 2013 · 12 · ·

Lucky Strife

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