NeartheMoose
Joined 10th Jun, 2013 ·
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Okay, first things first. Kudos on trying to write something. It's not always an easy thing to do and also kudos for admitting that you're not a good writer because it's good that you're aware of this. Problem is, you really need to learn especially if you're going to want people to like this.
Your grammar is atrocious. I don't know how old you are or even if English is your first language but you are missing just about every single point of grammar that you can. I think that might be a record.
There is a severe lack of capitals. Proper names, the personal pronoun "I" as well as the start of sentences all need to be capitalized. Sometimes you do it but most of the time you don't. You are missing a lot of punctuation to help break up those thoughts. For example you wrote:
You have many separate thoughts there and could have broken this up in to six separate sentences like so:
That's not perfect by any means but it's a lot easier to read because everything runs together. This of course continues in the rest of the chapter. I'm not going to show you everything because otherwise we'll be here all day.
Your next problem is this is written in first person and it's a self-insert. The first person part can be well done if you're a good writer and strangely enough a lot of novice writers do this yet you need some skill to pull it off correctly. You should always write in third person as it's actually a lot easier to do and you're not limited by only what the narrator knows. Remember, if something happens that is important to the plot the only way you can talk about it is if the narrator is there or they're somehow aware of it. Second problem is the self-insert. Your name is "Star Gazer". Your character's name is "Star Gazer". Your character is you in Equestria. You should change one of these things.
And finally there's the story itself. It just doesn't flow. It's just stuff happening. Little colt is in darkness. Why? It's never mentioned again but sounds dramatic. He's always alone yet has a bestest friend that we never see. He's an orphan who prefers to sleep outside and starve instead of staying at the orphanage where it's hoipefully warmer and there's food. He searches the garbage cans in Ponyville for something to eat but finds nothing except Scootaloo who is also an orphan. She also likes to sleep outside and not at the orphanage. And both foals also go to school together. Introductions are made, actually only Star introduces himself while Scoots doesn't. And they decide to sleep together in the most literal sense of the word because Star has a blanket. His earlier starvation is forgotten in favor of curling up with Scoots. There's a dream sequence where his bestest friend goes away and that's it.
What you need, other than practice, is to find yourself a proofreader and an editor for all this. Good luck.