Celestia once warned Twilight Sparkle to beware of love, because love is the cruelest teacher. Love would unmercifully remind her that immortality comes with a price.
Twilight visits Applejack in the hospital one last time. It's time to say goodbye, and to pay the price.
If you haven't already, watch the episode 'Magic Duel' before reading this fic. Thanks for reading!
Wow. Someone did a dramatic reading of this. That's pretty cool.
Pre-readers: Telepony, Bootsy Slickmane, Drakkith, electreXcessive
Chapters (1)
It's stories like these that got me into fanfiction in the first place. The way the narrative builds and reveals bit and pieces about the events that have passed before the story begins, the characterization and the way the relationship is portrayed, and last but not least, the way it ended.... Well done. Just... well done.
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I've gone and taken much of your advice, and updated the story.
The feels
That ending. Boy am I glad that twilight isn't actually immortal.
that doesn't stop me from crying though.
well done, very well done.
This was a cute enough story. I was not expecting the ending, but it was reasonable. Earned a thumb's up.
Oh dear. That's not at all what I had expected. I figured that Twilight would be strong enough to resist the power of the Alicorn Amulet. Not sure how I feel about the ending, but I loved the first 99% WAY more than enough to favorite and upvote. I kind of feel about this the way I feel about Mass Effect 3; amazing up until the ending, but I still can't decide whether or not I like the ending.
Immortal
fighting
, who had been driven mad by the amulet...
Personally, I don't think the story works with such a big plot device being added in the end and left unresolved, but it is your story, so it's your choice as to what happens to it now.
Um...wow?
I expected the story to be good, and I'll admit the beginning definitely was as well-described and emotional as I'd expected. Still, I did not expect that ending.
But I think it made the story even better.
Awesome job!
Its the start of something great but it must be continued I mean this is worse than a cliff hanger I mean u got this story litteraly standing micrometers from the edge it must be finished
I rarely see TwiJack. I like. And then
Did not expect that ending. I had to read it a couple times to actually get it.
I don't mind if you don't continue the story, actually. As I've said some times, there's a strange pleasure in unresolved, open endings. That being said, I wouldn't mind if you did either.
In my opinion, this story seems like it was a cliffhanger, so I would appreciate this to continue. So if you want to continue this story, go ahead, if you don't, well then my imagination will run.
Very nice. Very, very nice. I don't think it needs to be continued at all, but it is really up to you. Either way, great job.
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I love TwiJack, for some reason. I wrote a clop story with them as a completely random pairing, and I realized they're actually perfect for each other. Twilight is filled with worry and self-doubt, but also passion and innocence, and an eagerness to explore the world. Applejack is dependable and confident, but she's headstrong and set in her ways.
They compliment each other perfectly. They can teach each other so many things.
I don't agree with the pleas to continue the story. Anything past this point would cheapen the bittersweetness of Twilight giving up her love and everything that made her Twilight so that Applejack would live.
So is it just me or is Applejack's death a certainty now? She won't back down in the face of the thing her lover has become.
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Your dark interpretation has a certain elegance to it, and it fills my heart with sinister glee.
Although, I may have overplayed Twilight's nasty side a bit. The amulet never made Trixie deadly (Even though she explicitly tried to make somepony 'writhe in agony', she didn't seem like she was ready to do terrible violence.)
Also, just because Applejack is a fighter who would never give up, it doesn't mean she doesn't know how to bide her time, and figure out the best way to try and help Twilight.
3306328 I was thinking along the lines of it being an accident in the end. Applejack makes her move and Twi reacts without thought. Trixie wasn't malicious, but Twilight can act without thought. She'd be much deadlier. The sad part is givin the amulet even Applejack's death wouldn't effect Twi that much anymore, probably make her worse.
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I like you
You refuse to look on the bright side with stories, just like me.
3306346 Believe it or not I like happy endings. This is not setting up for one. I could probably outline a bittersweet ending from this. Best case scenario Twi never trusts herself again.
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I could probably make a happy ending if I set my mind to it. After all, they're better off at the end of this story than they were at the beginning. It went from 100% hopeless, to 99% hopeless, where at least they're both still alive, and there's a chance to take the long road to redemption.
I don't think I'll write that story, though. Maybe somebody else will be inspired, and write a story of their own.
3306377 Sometimes you write your part and leave it to others to finish the story in their own ways.
Well, that was something. I now officially like TwiJack.
.......
the ending. But what abute applebloom?.
Awsome cute story.
What I expected. Not quite how I hoped, but what I expected.
The story is interesting, especially the idea around the twist, but I can't help but feel the execution is, in places, clunky.
The opening is promising. The imagery of the beds with wheels and the beds without wheels, while explained a little too blatantly in exposition for my tastes, really does a good job at conjuring the impression of inevitable death looming over. The first instance of the word 'ebony' made me suspicious of the box, and foreshadowed itself pretty well.
The conversation and how it develops into bitter-sweet natural chitchat is good, and is particularily striking when Twilight herself calls this to mind. Not just the big things, but these little things to, it all goes, all of it. Otherwise, I feel this scene could have been drawn out longer and used to set to sneakily establish more of the backdrop and character quirks - such as the pink hairs only thing, a nice touch that was - though as it is, seems to rush a bit too fast into bringing the conversation to Magic Duel stuff.
The mention of Magic Duel Trixie again reinforces and clarifies the earlier foreshadowing. It's here that Twilight's reasoning and motivations really needed to be explored more fully, because as it is it's mostly her desperate resolution going against Applejack's comforting her and then pleading with her to not use the amulet. The ending, that choice, is abrupt but the final line of dialogue serves well enough in highlighting the tragic/dark/sad (take your pick) element of the story.
Overall? The setting is fitting, the dialgoue flows well despite feeling a little scipted in places (particularily how they seem to just start talking about Trixie and by extension, preparing the reader to see the entrance of the amulet) and the twist that said amulet involves is delivered a little too suddenly to plumb the full depths of character. Rather than give Applejack a chance to talk her out of it, Twilight seems to have already made up her mind before ever entering the hospital, not even listening enough to be conflicted or doubtful of that decision. Still, it is a nice little story, and does leave one to ponder what happens next.
As for my preffered head-canon of it; Applejack is feels baffled and betrayed by her second chance at living. She is, after all, fifty years removed from where she now stands, in a manner of speaking. Restoring her life doesn't restore her life (by which I mean home, friends, places and community) and if the cost is Twilight's soul, it's never in doubt that the cost isn't worth it. After time and struggle, she gets Twilight free of the amulet, but the damage is done
The consequence of restoring Applejack's life? Another fifty years of life in which Twilight can see Applejack, but not be able to hold her make or her smile. Half a century to be stuck with guilt and shame. Half a century to see a living memory of past-love, one that doesn't want to be with Twilight after what she did and became.
But enough of my rambling, it's a good story, but it's shortness shows.
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The fact that you, and others, are coming up with visions about what happens next, fills me with joy. Some people are even passionately defending their positions.
I can't tell you how gratifying it is for me to provoke thought. It's my number one goal in writing, even more than provoking feelings.
I completely agree with you, despite the cool concept, it seems I phoned in the execution on this one. I didn't do enough to explore the issue before I lowered the boom. Live and learn
Oh my gosh! dont stop here make more!!! MORE MORE MORE
HOW can you mark this a complete? thats just not right
argh twijack is my favorite ship but this was almost too sad then the end happened and i cant believe that this is a complete story....
amazing as it is though.
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Some stuff just ran around inside my brain. Interesting things about what happens next in this story. Things which I might not be able to stop from ending up on paper.
I don't know if you guys are aware of what you're asking for, though. This story is meant to be sad and touching and about the meaning of love and loss, but if I continue it, that theme changes. It turns into a story of fighting for redemption. It becomes a story about weakness and strength and the adversity that comes from the temptation to abuse power.
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truth be told i think its good where its at.... sadly...
but how you keep saying that AJ is a fighter and that she never gives up is both true and in itself a foreshadow, I dont think AJ will give up on Twi and i believe that Twilight is counting on that, she believes that AJ will save her from herself!
Even though she is now young again i dont think that AJ's life is over, i think that as long as she has the real Twi she will stay happy!
Im also sure that she wont let Twi ever do that again, even if it means having Celestia/luna hold her down as she dies....
that or when she frees Twi, she reverts to her old self and she dies.... i say this because it never shows Trixie fix Snips and Snails after she does that thing to them.... so i assume that the magic go's away when that amulet is taken off!
ok sorry for my ramble... i hope to read more of your stories soon.... maybe some more TwiJack
Well. Not what I expected. I approve, though.
It could work as it stands on the cliffhanger, or it could work expanded into a longer story (though I believe that you could have paced things a bit better here regardless). Personally, I think the hardest part would be deciding exactly how it could progress. There are a lot of possibilities there, though I think I like ambion's the most.
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Wow I'm surprised you like the way Ambion suggested, because you have complained about my sad endings in the past, and the way Ambion was suggesting it was very similar to what was inside my head.
With the exception that my ending would have been a lot more happy, or at least bittersweet.
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I don't think I've complained about sad endings so much as accused you of having a fetish for dysfunctional relationships in the "Innocent Beginnings" stories. I actually really like the bittersweet ones. Plus, there are just so many opportunities to further explore the emotions in that continuation, and it still has the possibility of bringing them back together by the end.
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What abute her?
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"Hey applebloom hows your day?......by the way your sisters dead and twilight is taking over ponyvill."
Applebloom "what did you say abute my sister being dead?.....and why is twilight evil?."
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Applejack's not dead.
Also, she has a brother too, and a whole bunch of friends.
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Right like reraty
Aaaaaaaargh, the endiiiiiiiing!!!!!!! DAMN ALICORN AMULET!!!!!
Pleeeeeaaaaaase, sequeeeeeel T_T This can't end like thaaaat
Boom! Out of nowhere!
Heartbreaking, loved it. Glad it took a turn away from the ending I was expecting. Poor AJ
you should make a sequel
This need a sequel
... I kinda got this in my mind as I read the story.
Twi, never let Applejack free. She beacome like a slave.... Or something.