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A lot can change in a thousand years. Luna struggles with the night-to-night challenges of living in the modern world, while a series of strange occurrences threaten to complicate her life, and teach her a thing or two about herself along the way.
Part of the New Magic universe: Just Like Me, Sleep Walking, New Magic
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Doing Luna is difficult, because she is both wise with age, and naive, because she's unable to sympathize or connect when it comes to other ponies.
I like this story!
Is Luna talking while sleepwalking?
3150580
Heh, no spoilers. The nature of Luna's sleepwalking will be revealed, if I continue.
The story isn't getting very many thumbs-up or even reads, so I guess the premise is boring to people, which is too bad, because I consider Luna's fragile psyche to be really fascinating.
To me, she's like a more interesting Fluttershy. They both have problems connecting to other ponies, but Luna is truly ignorant of the feelings of others, and she sometimes responds to her frustrations with hostility, and she seems so completely heartbroken. The poor thing just wants to be loved.
3150593
I really like the premise of this story, you actually seem to know where you are going to go with it.
It seems a lot of writers have a hard job of characterizing Luna which is understandable.
I just hope you don't give up because of the lack of thumbs up/ views, I really enjoy good Luna fics, but they are sometimes hard to find.
3150217
Brilliant story.....follow this I will....
oh dear.
One does not simply drop-in unannounced with the Princess of the Night.
The scene is good, Luna has the conviction to stand up for her people and fight even if they don't like her. Celestia cannot fault her sister for wanting to defend one of their own from certain harm.
Personally, I love things that start with a quote. But that's just me. So here's a return review for looking at Changelings Don't Get Cutie Marks.
Name of Story:
Sleep Walking
Grammar score: 9, for the reason described in cons.
Pros:
Let's start off with your greatest strength in this story, and something I enjoyed immensely: your awkward Luna. I understand what you mean by hard-to-write, but you certainly pulled off this aspect of her character perfectly. It's not just being misplaced in time (which you do well) but also a very clear and lingering social awkwardness that has obviously been central to her for a long time. Well done.
While I liked the format you were setting up, it was a good idea to split the chapters where you did. (Really looking forward to the next one, by the way)
Okay, maybe this is just an extension on the first thing, but the personality touches on Luna that you go through in the evenings (attached to routine and getting progressively intellectually rigid) are accurate portrayals of some wide-reaching fears that should honestly appeal to a very broad audience. Certainly it should earn more attention than this story's gotten so far. I know that I got all sorts of empathetic twinges through most of those segments, and I don't recall having those particular strings tugged by fiction in a while.
Cons:
Semicolon cancer. In the first chapter, mostly. If I'm being honest, I'm not actually very familiar with proper semicolon use. But as a reader, seeing those things breed out of control was VERY conspicuous and took me right out of the story. There were a few moments of excessive commas as well.
The omniscient perspective can be jarring at times, especially if you take us into multiple heads in the same paragraph. In the third chapter, I had to take some time to process that we had moved on to Celestia's opinions and were out of Luna's head for a moment.
The name Flashy in several serious moments was kind of... unserious. A little silly next to all that. But that's more a risk of the medium than anything.
Notes Section:
"That's why I'm a Princess!" made me laugh way more than it should have.
Pamf! That whole party thing, actually. One of those perfect, hands-to-your-mouth, "Oh, noooo," moments. When people start jumping on tables and you just think, "What have we gotten ourselves into?"
I like this story, I'm intrigued, and I eagerly await future installments.
3290868
Wow, I'm really surprised how easily correctable those cons are. I actually picked out the highest rated stuff in Authors Helping Authors because I wanted to hear some opinions from authors who are really good. Normally I'm pretty scathing with my reviews, but your story was a bit of a breath of fresh air that I couldn't find fault in, so I just complained about how it doesn't suit my personal taste.
Turns out talented authors like my stuff too, by and large? Fancy that.
I already figured those things out about semicolons and excessive omniscience in the time between writing this, and now, so that really narrows down the cons side for me, which is really surprising.
I'm also delighted that you thought Flashy's name was absurdly silly. I'm always fascinated with how silly same of the names on the show are. (Flashy is less silly than Mayor Mare, for example, and honestly possibly even less silly than Spearmint.), and I enjoy contrasting the plucky, upbeat way that ponies are named, with the more serious, gritty elements of my stories.
Thanks a lot for helping me out!
After reading Chapter 1:
What a sad Luna! It's baffling that she can't express herself better after being alive so long. Is the way she asks Flashy to court her really how she or someone else with her power would have done so before her banishment?
This story does set me to imagining how Luna might start to improve her lot. Unfortunately, it most likely would start with her confiding in her sister that she's lonely, and she's loathe to do that.
An interesting point this story brought up is why Celestia has embraced democracy when it neither ensures better decisions nor saves her time. That's a good question and worth exploring further. One has the sense that democracy is desirable even in a country with a benevolent dictator, but it isn't really obvious why.
Chapter 2: Julienne is rather interesting. Not sure what to make of him. The scene of him and Luna on the moon is sad. I'm not sure where this story is going... Luna appears to have woken up in the garden unexpectedly, which suggests that she's got a physical problem. I guess that explains the unlocked door and the quill on the floor, huh?
Chapter 3: This was an unexpected turn, all right! A minotaur bacchanalia! Too bad we didn't get to see much of it before it went wrong.
It seems to me Celestia wouldn't really be justified in an angry reaction upon hearing the news. The minotaurs were behaving ridiculously aggressively. Even at the expense of a logging treaty and the related income, that kind of behavior from an international delegation can't be tolerated. Which isn't to say Luna handled things flawlessly.
It occurs to me that the minotaurs, having respect for ferocity and toughness, may not actually be all that upset with Luna. If none of them are permanently damaged, maybe they'll see this as a jolly good time and have renewed respect for the night princess!
3939113
Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Are you saying that the story seems meandering and without direction, or that it seems mysterious and you're curious where it will end up?