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Note: This story is on hiatus. Please refer to this blog post as to why.
Ever since Twilight introduced Rainbow Dash to books the pegasus has been spending more and more time at the library. Rainbow Dash is enjoying the personal time she is getting to spend with her new closest friend. Just how will these feelings play out when Rainbow Dash starts spending time alone with Twilight in her bedroom?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You have no idea how mutch I waited for a fanfiction like this since the Read it and weep episode came out especially since TwiDash or as I use to call RainbowSparkle (I thnk it's 20% cooler or at least for me) shipping and I love the idea of Rainbow Dash's newly found ejoy of books comes togeter.
The first chapter seems very intresting. I like how you discripted everything. I have the feeling they have deep feelings for eachoter for a while and they know it very well.
I can't wait to see how things will going on in the further chapters so yes I'll truck the story and I marked to get notificition of the updates.
Its decent. If we had the star system I'd rate it between 3.5 to 4.5. But, lets just say that I like it.
This being only a short first chapter, its hard to give this any proper criticism, but it looks to be a good start. Starting the story off in the relationship rather then before it, which is good for a slice of life story most of the time.
This is pretty well written, no big obvious grammar errors, and is set up rather well, not the greatest fic in the world, but really good none of the less, and will no doubt be entertaining to read and too see where this is going.
Good Job
good start, can't wait for more
Lol that prologue had such a funny ending twist, if not for the teen rating I would have expected it to go in a completely.different direction.
Looks very promising. I'll definitely be anticipating the updates.
Rainbow Dash's characterization is very good, in my opinion, and the descriptions are vivid. But the story randomly switches from past to present tense in the last four paragraphs.
I wish it was longer but all and all its great!
But it was funny how Dash blow off spike LOL
Good so far, I'm not understanding if there already a couple or not though.
The ending was ENTIRELY DIFFERENT than what I expected.
I expected a kiss and a fade out (Teen Rating and all)
seems good
cuz of the good start
now lets see where this goes
To everyone, I appreciate any responses I receive. It has been a few years since my last bit of creative writing and I was hoping to get back into it as a hobby as I had once done. This prologue was intentionally short as I was testing a few things with the site's submission process as well as attempting to gauge potential interest for this project. I fully plan to have longer chapters as the main purpose of the prologue was an introduction to the "setting." I do work a full time job so I make no promises of a potential update schedule.
266795 Thank you for the feedback, however brief it may be. I know I'm quite out of practice with my writing so even an average score is quite nice to see. Proper or not, I fully encourage constructive criticism. Unfortunately, I lack anyone to proofread or otherwise assist me in editing my works so I expect mistakes to make it through no matter how much I re-check my work.
I would like to know, if you care to humor me, what you think was missing or could have been done in a different or better way. I'm using this story as a way to shake the cobwebs off of my writing so anything helps, even purely negative feedback. I have no qualms about re-writing a piece of work (even entire chapters if needed) if it means improving the story as a whole.
266967 Thank you for pointing that out. I've gone back and edited the tense of those paragraphs so they should be correctly in the past tense now. I'll endeavor to keep an eye out for that in the future.
267182 As I mentioned above, I intend to have longer chapters in the future. Thank you for your interest.
267524 That was actually intentional. I was trying to portray a deeper connection between Dash and Twilight than simple friendship or reading buddies. Most of the prologue was written to hint at a physically intimate relationship to set up for a slightly twist ending showing that physical intimacy may not actually be present in their relationship. Was there anything in particular that was confusing or was it simply the twist ending?
268106 I'm glad that effort was not wasted. I had originally intended this part to be much more straightforward, but once I started writing the idea struck me to use this build up as a hook to set the tone. Admittedly it was way more fun to write than what I was intending so I went with it. I had toyed with the idea of a mature rating to really emphasize the surprise of the last line but I decided against it considering how out of practice I am at the moment.
268276 Truthfully, Nothing is really missing. Its good, it really is, but its as introductions go, its pretty ordinary. Don't change what you have, because I honestly don't know what you can really do with it.
I really want to read where this is going before I can say if anything is missing, this being a prologue it serves as sort of a mood setting, which is exactly what you did.
Slice of life is kinda hard to rate truthfully, and in all honesty, I am not that great of a writer. I just how I feel about certain things. Anyway, Ignoring my rating, I find this story so far interesting and want to read it more, so keep up the good work.
268568 Well you don't need to be a great writer to give valuable insights. I've learned that a few years back. Aside from help with the technical aspects of writing I've often received more help from the comments of non-writers than from my fellow writers. Fanfics are largely about making a story enjoyable and appealing to certain instincts, desires, and emotions within the readers. The only way I can know if I'm doing that is to hear my reader's opinions. Few people need writing experience to give a helpful opinion, only to give specific or technical advice.
That said, my favorite part of writing is knowing others can enjoy my work. I'm looking forward to any future feedback that you (or anyone else) can give me.
I'm currently about one thousand words into chapter one and barring needing any massive edits I do hope to plug it out in a few days. If my past story writing is any indication chapter one is going to be fairly hefty compared to the prologue. I'm feeling a bit more in the zone now so I'm trying to add some more descriptive flavor in various places. Hopefully I can pull it off without hurting the flow. Thankfully I know what I want to accomplish in terms of plot progression. I am so much happier planing things out this time rather than winging it like I did with the prologue, so hopefully the extra effort will show in the finished product.
268904 Its is unfortunate that slice of life usually boils down too "make stuff up as I go along", but I can imagine something therapeutic about writing whatever you want without too much planning, and it does allow one to keep up with recent episodes.
Better plots are usually those that are planned out, and you should always know how your story is going to end, if there is an end.
I've been thinking about writing a fic, myself, although I honestly have no clue about what to do. If I did do something, It would probably be a short one-shot for practice.
Anyway, I have a tendency to ramble and get off topic, It is great to see someone dedicated with there craft and willing to take criticism, and am looking forward to the rest of this story.
269432 Ha, I'm the second best person I know when it comes to off-topic rambling, so I definitely know that feeling.
As for planning, I won't write the first line of a story if I don't have the last lines already done. Only time I ever did that differently was the only time I never finished the story. (lesson learned)
Oddly, I'm pretty bad at planning anything more than a general direction for a story. I find I do my best when I just immerse myself in the story as I write and let it flow organically. Doesn't stop me from having to do revisions, but I never end up with everything 'just as planned' so I stopped trying to force that a long time ago. That is just my method though, everyone has to find their own way to write.
As for your own story, the best advice I can give is to just write something. Doesn't matter what really. Heck I started my creative writing hobby as a poet before branching out into original fantasy and fiction stories. When writing poems, whenever I couldn't think of something to write I just asked my friends for ideas. I've written several poems from the inspiration of a single word, so who knows where you will find inspiration. Sometimes the best literary works are not even the writer's original idea. Just remember the only way to get better at writing is to write. It takes time and effort, but few things can be as creatively liberating.
That said, short stories and one-shots are a great way to get your feet wet. One of the hardest things to learn is to write with fewer words. Anyone can abuse a thesaurus and go mad with purple prose but most readers can't stand those kinds of stories unless done very, very, well. Again, just grab an idea and give it a shot. I can pretty much guarantee that getting started is the hardest part writing.
The book glowed with the aura of Twilight’s magic and opened to the first page.
ok, DA FUQ THAT WAS NOT WERE I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING
at least it didn't go there
280322 I am quite fond of misdirection when writing. That said, with a teen rating I'm not going off the deep end in any romantic scenes.
yay...
Gaaah!! So many double entendres
Dude sincerely F.U.C.K Y.O.U. I fell into the trap, I actually thought that they were going to make out or something... I face palmed myself at the end, you really know how to make a build up.
WOW damn your going to get me caught reading this on my iPod in the middle of the night this is hilarious
280685 Thanks for the feedback. It helps knowing I can still do something right after not writing for so long.
280701 Thank you, I'm glad you are enjoying it.
280420 you are so mean... I love this keep going.
I kind of think that this needs a comedy tag LOL
280729 I honestly had not intended to have so many jokes when I started. Then I just keep getting ideas for silly little situations when I'm writing and they just all seem to flow together. I'll have to see about getting that tag added. No sense not calling a comedy a comedy after all.
280721 Oh I will. I'm hoping to make use of my extra free time this weekend for some good writing.
that was one of the best 4th wall jokes ever!!!! and build up as great I never saw it coming!!! LOL
its hard to see where Twilight and Rainbow's relationship is, and I am wondering what Rainbow wanted to try!!
when I first read the first chapter, I thought it was going to be sorta lame, but the Dialogue and narration of the emotion is fantastic!
280833 I know right? I had to do a double take for a second there when I was reading Pinkie's lines at the end. My face at first was all
because pretty much everyone had admirers but Pinkie was saying she's interested in someone else, then I was all 
when I caught the 4th wall joke! Man do I love shipping stories sometimes!
280833 mid-air shenanigans would be my guess...
This story
5 Mustaches for you good sir!
280972 mid-air shenani.... Oh dear...
280833 Thanks for the feedback. Their relationship is intentionally nebulous. The title does have a meaning within the story.
If you don't mind my asking, what parts gave you the 'lame' impression? I appreciate any feedback I can get.
280880 Thank you, I am glad you are enjoying things so far.
280972 Thank you for the support. I always like to see reader's speculations on my foreshadowing. I don't like spoiling future plot points, but sometimes my readers' imaginations have come up with wonderfully fun ideas.
Time to get back to my lunch break I guess.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/3/2/39a014ce-8a6c-404a-8dd7-585fe7d118e9.jpg
Story is incredible!!! loving it and tracking!
woah. this went from teasing and slight cluelessness between twilight and rainbow to downright raunchy pretty fast! Definitely fun!
I must have missed the part where Twilight and Rainbow were actually together.
And of course The Doctor was being awesome, as he should.
images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2010/10/12/e8aa8812-0248-4836-ae34-d3c307bf749e.jpg
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Good Chapter nice use of the Doctor
307611 Fezzes are indeed cool fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/035/0/2/doctor_whooves_gif__fez_by_imafanoftororo-d4ooy5y.gif
28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5luerMzgS1qcgadio1_400.jpg
img.ponibooru.org/_images/bed44dfe7024a90b663c14ac2993cdb2/56802%20-%20applejack%20fez%20fezes_are_cool.png
Ruh row!! Open mouth, insert hoof.
Loved it! Keep going...
lol the kissing
and lol the postal worker
307574 & 307611 That is a potential drawback of starting the story where I did. Got to keep in mind there are about seven months of relationship in the background that have only been alluded to at this point. It's not like they spent the last seven months just reading in Twi's room. Up to this point it was merely teased and hinted at. The post office scene was intended to be the actual reveal of their relationship.
I was concerned about using that scene when I did. Lacking some of the typical relationship building a romance story would normally have shown and instead leaving that stuff to be discovered as we go can make it feel rushed without all the back-story I have in my head.
307659 Gah, I hope I don't need to use Daleks to keep this interesting.
307618 & 307647 I'm quite glad the good Doctor came out well. He's really not easy to write for, especially since I'm not trying to fully emulate any one version of him and that I need to use him in specific ways to make this story work the way I'm planning it. Considering his large role in the overall story I was honestly a bit worried his parts would fall flat, but then I worry about a ton of stuff when I write to an audience.
Overall I'm just glad people are enjoying the chapter. Tis a massive relief considering some of the crazy things I have planned.
Thank you all for the support. As always, support, opinions, and suggestions are welcome. It really helps to know what my readers' are enjoying and what they want to see.
Eh, to be honest I didn't really like the doctor. He took up too much of the "screen time," so to speak, and read like a self-insert, what with his inexplicable insertion into the mane six, and Applejack flirting with him and what not. Having him play out memes doesn't help either. I prefer having one of the mane six as the viewpoint. The story in general's pretty good though - I really like the dynamic of Twilight and Rainbow's relationship.
308120 Understandable. As I said to others, he is hard to write. The character has a tendency to take over stories. The biggest issue I guess is that the Doctor is really a massive Gary-stu, even in his own series, and it tends to get worse the more accurately he is written. Self-insert issues, while not intended, were expected when dealing with a character with no (FIM)cannon personality. Admittedly, I could replace him with any character (BG pony or OC) and it would still feel just as clunky. Choosing to use the Doctor was always going to be a coin flip for success, I know that. Aside from using him less or rewriting him I doubt I could do much to fix the character's issues. I'll likely just leave him (in this chapter) as-is unless I receive a lot of criticism about him.
The flirting though was really intended as a one-off gag to lead into the second awkward comment from Freight. The fez too was supposed to lead into something else later, though I'll cross that when I get there. As someone who never delved into the Dr. Who fandom (I enjoy it, I just don't get involved with its community like I do with FIM) I can honestly say I didn't know the fez was a meme (i'm assuming that's what you meant). I just liked that line in the show and worked it in as a gag. I'll try to be more careful with that in the future.
I've already changed a lot of my original premise when I chose this more comedy based route instead of the pure SoL 'argue then make up' routine of my original script. Some things are going to suffer for my sense of humor being what it is. At this point, other than rewriting the whole chapter to remove him I can't really do much about it.
Being out of practice with writing is proving quite rough all in all and having no one to edit or bounce ideas off of probably isn't helping me that much. Still, gotta make mistakes to get better. I'll be happy enough if this story is not a train wreck by the time it's finished.
Thank you for the input. I appreciate constructive criticism and reader opinions.
I am quite enjoying this story so far.
My only problem is that some of the situations seem to pop out of nowhere. Like Applejack liking the Doctor. Maybe if you write a little bit of more foreshadowing so these situations won't seem so forced. Ex: Applejack observed the Doctor's looks when they first met, and used that as a reference when she was flirting with him later.
Other than that, this is a very interesting story, I can't wait to see what happens next.
309207 Fair enough. Thanks for the input.
Funny thing is I've never really watched Doctor Who. Though I get the gist of what the show is about. And I dig these in-character appearances by him that don't go trailing off the TARDIS or time traveling. It's a nice mix though I hope to not see him too much more.
Cutie Mark Crusader Fire Starters? Oh gosh I want to see an episode of this now.
The TwiDash so far has been delectable, I'm wondering if - with what Doc said - that Twilight and Rainbow will finally actually go out on a date or something.
Nice work on this chapter. Looking forward to what lies ahead.
309491 True, if I wanted to write a bunch of time/space travel non-sense with a Doctor I'd just write a Dr. Who fanfic. I'm usually not one to hand out spoilers, but the setup should be fairly obvious. Yes I do have a date scene in the works.
Thanks for your interest.
308120 & 309207 I made a minor edit to the AJ flirts with the Doctor bit. Seeing as the two of you were kind enough to point out the issues with that bit I thought I'd let you know.
Sorry if the double response seems silly. I just didn't feel like sending two identical PMs.
309698 No problem. The revised section definitely flows much more naturally, and feels much more plausible. I still think the Doctor reads like a self-insert though. In order from the start, we have him: Join up with the mane six for no reason, get introduced by Twilight (turns out they're friends!), act out a silly internet meme (I have no idea if the fez is a meme in the doctor who community either, but it is in the pony one), have a confrontation end with Rarity asking him to model for her (with hints of sexual tension! e.g.: "his lips were uncomfortably close to hers"), have it emphasized how lucky (and special) he is for getting to hang out with the mane six (well, main five right now. w/e), owe Twilight a dinner (turns out they had a bet where the loser buys the winner dinner!), and get hit on by Applejack (nowhere near as blatantly or awkwardly as before though). Worst of all, he serves as the viewpoint character for most of the chapter. You could get away with some of these things easily, but having all of them is way too much - I'm expecting it to be revealed that the doctor was a high-schooler on earth before getting transported to Equestria any second now.
Just so we're clear, I do really like the story, and I think there are lots of things you do really well. The relationship between Rainbow and Twilight is really nice, and probably the biggest draw for me. It's a cute, realistic couple that avoids the "oh, [other pony] is so beautiful, but how do I tell her my feelings!?" and "Oh, I love you, [other pony], but what will we tell our friends!?" dialogue that's so prevalent in shipping. Twilight making out with Rainbow Dash in the post office was maybe a little overdone (but still good), but scenes like Rarity's embarrassment at her friend's wingboner (props for not using the word 'wingboner', by the way), Rainbow Dash's possessiveness, or even her wondering when she learned the word enthralling were really nice and illustrated a lot about Twi and Rainbow's relationship without the need for a flashback. There's smaller touches that show a lot of promise too; the doctor explaining that "allons-y" was fancy was a good joke that called back to the show and didn't overstay its welcome to make sure the reader got it. And there's nothing wrong with using the Doctor as a character, as long as he doesn't come across as a self-insert.
Anyway, sorry for basically repeating my last comment, but I wanted to flesh out my opinion a bit more. I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh - I wouldn't have gone to all the trouble of writing this if I didn't like the story.