James made one of the worst mistakes of his life. He let someone else buy him a drink without watching them to make sure he didn't get drugged.
After waking up some time later, James realizes that he is somehow now inside the ponyverse.
When Fluttershy goes to get help from Ponyville, James follows her. He then learns that he has been turned into some sort of dragon-thing. James decides to have some fun buy killing and burning every pony and house he can find.
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Good for your first time for publishing one. I want to get into writing fan fictions
cool story, I like the more...darker twist you have taken, it's not everyday you see a human turn into a dragon like creature and then wreck a town...liked and faved!
Thanks! I'm glad some people are liking it. I honestly wasn't too sure how this story would be met. And don't worry, its going to get lighter. Not necessarily happier though.
Just started chapter 2, and I'll finish it tomorrow! Unless, of course, life gets in the way... again...
Here's some advice from one rookie writer to another. Although your story holds a lot of potential, you didn't exactly make it easy to relate to the protagonist... Just a second ago he was suffering from a hangover, and the next he feels completely fine and begins burning ponies alive with no obvious motive other than he was, for some reason, extremely angry. On top of that, you used a ton of interjections. It's not like that's a bad thing, but sometimes it's better to let the words do the talking rather than use parentheses to express a characters feelings. Your sentences were also extremely rough in the sense that you were going into detail with the wrong things. Something I learned pretty fast is that there is a point where a sentence has too much detail. The goal is to not try so hard to paint the picture for your reader, but let the words flow comfortably enough to where they're able to imagine your world themselves.
For the positives though, I'd say you could really take this story to some interesting places. It might be smart to redo the first chapter and maybe get an editor to help you out. I also think that you'd be great at doing comedy stories if you were to refine your structure a bit.
So overall, it has a lot of torn edges, but the idea behind your story carries a lot of potential if you can shape it correctly. Keep on writing!
3195413 Thanks for the advice. I shall do my best to take it to heart, and improve on my writing style! ^_^
Instead of rushing ahead and writing the next chapter, I slowed down a bit and edited the first chapter. Chapter 2 will come later. Possibly some time this weekend.
I'm going to be "that jerk" that criticizes the fic, but I am trying to help.
Just looking at the description, it's not hard to see why this is doing poorly. Let me point out some problems I see.
That last sentence is not good at all. I know you're saying he got drugged, but it sounds like you're saying that the second sentence is what happened. At least you didn't say "Guess what happened? Yep, he got drugged." That would be bad. I would rewrite it to say something more like, "He let someone else buy him a drink without watching them, and he got drugged." That's clearer. Also, the colon (:) should be a period if I'm not mistaken.
What? WHAT?!?
That feels so poorly thought out. Can there at least be a reason for him to be there? I get that it's difficult to think of a reason, but that's why I don't mess with the "Human in Equestria" genre. Also, is he really aware that it's Equestria? If so, why would he know that? If he doesn't know where he is, it should read, "After waking up some time later, James realizes what happened. Now he is in Equestria, with no knowledge of how he got there."
"When Fluttershy goes to get help from Ponyville". Drop the yellow pegasus descriptor. Also, why is he a dragon? Can you justify that? There are so many questions I have just regarding that, and this answers none of them. Why does being a dragon mean that he suddenly wants to kill everyone? This seems so poorly planned. You used the wrong form of by/buy, as another small note. It should be by.
Overall, I'd have to say your worst enemy is yourself. Perhaps this fic is well thought out, but it doesn't show. Instead, it seems like a cheap excuse to have a dragon burn down a village. If that's the case, why not write a story where a dragon burns Ponyville, with actual motivation for its actions, and not bogged down by questions on how a drunk man on Earth became a dragon in Equestria.
Sorry for being so negative. I really don't like to do that. On the bright side, it's your first fic. Something you must know is that absolutely everyone writes a bad first story. For most, it's the worst one they ever write, because they learn from it and grow stronger. This one is an idea I've never heard of. If done right, it could really stand out. As it stands now, it does not stand out. You do seem to actually care about it, though, since you're having the second chapter edited. I hope you meant it's edited by someone else. Self-editing was a mistake I made. Having a good editor is important, because they'll pick up on your mistakes you missed, plus they might even help with concept errors. I bounce ideas off my editor all the time. Some are dumb and don't work, but some have potential, and we think them out to make them better.
... Well, that was long. I tried to be thorough. Hopefully, you found that helpful. I really didn't mean to be a jerk.
3197641 I Don't find your honest opinion to be mean, or rude. Its very helpful.
First, I changed the blurb in the description.
Second, there is a reason for him being there. That shall be explained in a later chapter.
Third, I know that I didn't give James a motive at first, and then went back to change that. If you only read the description, I can see how you came to that conclusion.
Again, thank you for your honest opinion.
3198232
You're welcome! I was just concerned. It's always a bit of a risk pointing out flaws in a story. There are writers like TheatreCritic who are infamously bad at taking criticism. While most don't react as poorly as he does, there are some who don't take criticism well. The people who will become the best authors sort out the good advice and take it to heart.
I think I've decided that instead of continuing with this story, I'm going to focus on writing a story. If you really want to see more of "Ponyville Massacre," let me know, and I'll write more.
I commend this brave soul for fearlessly carrying out the Righteous and Holy work of the Imperium, by destroying this XENO FILTH!