Why I Don't Let Strangers Buy Me Drinks
I woke up with the worst headache in history. It felt like someone was constantly beating my head in with a hammer from all sides.
This made no sense. I only had that one drink that the cute girl had bought… Oh… That was one of my “Club Rules;” never let someone buy you a drink unless you see him/her buy it. I guess that would explain why I felt so bad. Ruphees and who knows how many drinks make for a great hangover.
I had to get to work or else I would most likely get fired. The boss hadn’t been overly pleased with me lately.
After hardening my resolve for a bit, I opened my eyes. Immediately, my headache got ten times worse, and I shut my eyes and rolled over onto my stomach. Displeased with myself, I opened my eyes again: This time, a lot slower.
I was rewarded with the sight of bright green grass. I lifted my head just a bit, and saw that I was in a field on the edge of a forest.
Strange, I thought. I don’t remember there being any fields or forests in Las Angeles. Shrugging the thought off, I army crawled my way to the inviting shade of the forest. It’s not that I was hot out in the sun. I just didn’t want to have to squint all the time to keep my head from exploding.
Once I got under the shade, I felt like I could stand opening my eyes some more. When I did, I was greeted by four yellow legs that ended in hooves. My confusion at this was not helped by the pounding in my head. Last time I checked, the only horses in L.A. were owned by the police and a few crazy people.
I slowly lifted my head, following the yellow legs, until I was met by a yellow muzzle with very large light blue eyes. Not sure why I thought the head would be a different color. One of the pony’s eyes was covered by a pink, slightly curly mane.
She was bent down to look at me in the face, and I could see a worried/nervous expression there.
“Umm… A-are you okay?” It asked me. Her voice, It took me a few seconds to process that the voice I just heard was indeed female, was just above a whisper.
I responded by groaning loudly and rolling over onto my back.
“Oh you poor thing!” She exclaimed. Even though she was expressing great concern for me, her voice was almost at normal decibel levels, not that I minded at all. “I’ll go get some of my friends to help make you feel better,” she told me in a soothing voice.
After that, she spread her wings… What…? Wings…?
I barely had time to process this before she flew off to get her friends. Watching her as she went, I noticed a tall bell tower not too far off.
I lay there on my back, wondering why brightly colored, winged ponies that could talk sounded so familiar. Didn’t Justin try to get me to watch something like that? Yea. It was some little kid’s show about friendship, or whatever. And… the main character could do magic?
The more I thought about it, the more my horror and disgust started to grow. It was very unlikely that they had crossed over into our world, much less existed in the first place. Or was it real…? I mean, I was just sorta conversing with a pony for crying out loud!
Ow. I winced as I rolled over again, and commenced to groan some more. The groaning seeming to help, but it was probably just my imagination.
Finally I came to the dreadful conclusion that the ponyverse... Wow... did I really just call it that? Anyway, I realized that it was real, and I was trapped inside it.
I made myself get up, almost passing out from the pain in my head, and started stumbling towards the clock tower; still inside the tree line.
If I ever see the bitch that drugged me again, I'll... I'll... I'll probably have to wait for this headache to go away before I can think of a suitable punishment
I looked down at my hands, which were clinched into fists, and was startled to find that my fingers were claws, and my hands were covered in scales. I looked down my muzzle, wait, what? Naturally, I ended up looking at my new muzzle, which was also covered in scales.
I just decided that the rest of my body was also scaly. Unfurling my wings, okay, when the hell did I get wings?! Somepony is- ARGH!! There I go again: saying pony instead of body! What the hell is wrong with me?! I took to the air and sped off to the town, deciding that I would worry about that, and the fact that I was basically a dragon, later: Ignoring the fact that my head was about to explode into tiny, tiny bits with each flap of my wings.
Maybe the ponies are the ones that drugged me and brought me here? The main character of the show can do magic after all.
Man... Ever since Justin started watching that damn show, we haven't been very good friends. Hell! I haven't even talked to him for a month!
I flew on in grumpy silence. Were I not super pissed, and still suffering from a god-awful hangover, I might have appreciated the beauty of the countryside. The trees were bright green, and very leafy. The grass was a succulent green as well, and there were patches of flowers everywhere; each one a different type of flower.
Now I could clearly see more of the bell tower, and some of the taller buildings like a large tree house. What the hell was a massive tree house doing in the middle of a town?
Just then, a brilliant idea made its way through the hangover-fog clouding my brain: If I kill everypony I can-
A heavy sigh escaped my lips. "Well, I guess it won't kill me to say everypony... But why did I even start saying that in the first place?" I asked myself. I started to wrack my brain for an answer, but that hurt WAY to much. Instead, I forced my thoughts back to the plan that was slowly hatching inside my not-so-clearly-thinking brain.
Where was I? Right. Killing all the ponies. If I kill them all, there won't be a show anymore, cause they will all be dead. On top of that, I'll turn back into a human, and end up back on earth.
Just then, I encountered a group of ponies. One of them was the one I saw before, another was also flying, albeit a lot faster, and four ponies walked behind them on the ground.
I had already made up my mind. And I had decided that it would be fun.
Once they got a bit closer, the new ponies hesitated. I must have looked terrifying, since I AM a dragon and all.
I opened my mouth and exhaled violently. Much to my surprise, a searing jet of bright red flame shot out, roasting the ponies alive in seconds.
I hovered in the air as a grin covered my face. This would be so much fun! I flew off to burn and kill every living thing I could find in the once peaceful village.
________
I looked up from the roasted pony corpse I was currently eating, when I heard a small gasp from behind me.
I stiffened when I heard a frightened little voice ask “Umm… Excuse me; do you know where mom mommy is?”
An evil smile spread over my face when I started to think of the possibilities of what I could do. I could scare her half to death, and then rip her to pieces. I could fly her up into the sky, and watch as I let her plummet to her demise. Or I could turn around and roast her alive.
I swallowed the charred pony in my mouth, and turned around to do one of those options: To be confronted with a sharp pointy piece of metal at my throat.
I followed the blade along a wing, to a light purple pony with a yellow mane. Most of the pony was covered in a red hued armor.
I inhaled to release the newfound flames from deep within me.
The armored mare must have realized her peril, because she flicked her wing, leaving a nice slice on my chest.
My vision went dark around the edges as I howled in pain.
"That's only a very small fraction of the pain and damage you've caused here today," she said in a pained, hushed voice. "I would very much like to kill you now," she said vehemently.
Hearing this, I shied away from her. I didn't feel any remorse over what I had done, since I was STILL hurting from my little trip to the club, but I didn't want to get killed. Just thinking about what I had done brought all the pleasure of the act back to me
The purple mare interrupted my thoughts, by saying "But..." then trailing into silence. After a few minutes, she cleared her throat and stated "But, you need to be brought before the Princesses. And besides, your punishment from them will be much worse than what I can do."
After saying this, she reared up on her hind legs, and came crashing down on my head.
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Good for your first time for publishing one. I want to get into writing fan fictions
cool story, I like the more...darker twist you have taken, it's not everyday you see a human turn into a dragon like creature and then wreck a town...liked and faved!
Thanks! I'm glad some people are liking it. I honestly wasn't too sure how this story would be met. And don't worry, its going to get lighter. Not necessarily happier though.
Just started chapter 2, and I'll finish it tomorrow! Unless, of course, life gets in the way... again...
Here's some advice from one rookie writer to another. Although your story holds a lot of potential, you didn't exactly make it easy to relate to the protagonist... Just a second ago he was suffering from a hangover, and the next he feels completely fine and begins burning ponies alive with no obvious motive other than he was, for some reason, extremely angry. On top of that, you used a ton of interjections. It's not like that's a bad thing, but sometimes it's better to let the words do the talking rather than use parentheses to express a characters feelings. Your sentences were also extremely rough in the sense that you were going into detail with the wrong things. Something I learned pretty fast is that there is a point where a sentence has too much detail. The goal is to not try so hard to paint the picture for your reader, but let the words flow comfortably enough to where they're able to imagine your world themselves.
For the positives though, I'd say you could really take this story to some interesting places. It might be smart to redo the first chapter and maybe get an editor to help you out. I also think that you'd be great at doing comedy stories if you were to refine your structure a bit.
So overall, it has a lot of torn edges, but the idea behind your story carries a lot of potential if you can shape it correctly. Keep on writing!
3195413 Thanks for the advice. I shall do my best to take it to heart, and improve on my writing style! ^_^
Instead of rushing ahead and writing the next chapter, I slowed down a bit and edited the first chapter. Chapter 2 will come later. Possibly some time this weekend.
I'm going to be "that jerk" that criticizes the fic, but I am trying to help.
Just looking at the description, it's not hard to see why this is doing poorly. Let me point out some problems I see.
That last sentence is not good at all. I know you're saying he got drugged, but it sounds like you're saying that the second sentence is what happened. At least you didn't say "Guess what happened? Yep, he got drugged." That would be bad. I would rewrite it to say something more like, "He let someone else buy him a drink without watching them, and he got drugged." That's clearer. Also, the colon (:) should be a period if I'm not mistaken.
What? WHAT?!?
That feels so poorly thought out. Can there at least be a reason for him to be there? I get that it's difficult to think of a reason, but that's why I don't mess with the "Human in Equestria" genre. Also, is he really aware that it's Equestria? If so, why would he know that? If he doesn't know where he is, it should read, "After waking up some time later, James realizes what happened. Now he is in Equestria, with no knowledge of how he got there."
"When Fluttershy goes to get help from Ponyville". Drop the yellow pegasus descriptor. Also, why is he a dragon? Can you justify that? There are so many questions I have just regarding that, and this answers none of them. Why does being a dragon mean that he suddenly wants to kill everyone? This seems so poorly planned. You used the wrong form of by/buy, as another small note. It should be by.
Overall, I'd have to say your worst enemy is yourself. Perhaps this fic is well thought out, but it doesn't show. Instead, it seems like a cheap excuse to have a dragon burn down a village. If that's the case, why not write a story where a dragon burns Ponyville, with actual motivation for its actions, and not bogged down by questions on how a drunk man on Earth became a dragon in Equestria.
Sorry for being so negative. I really don't like to do that. On the bright side, it's your first fic. Something you must know is that absolutely everyone writes a bad first story. For most, it's the worst one they ever write, because they learn from it and grow stronger. This one is an idea I've never heard of. If done right, it could really stand out. As it stands now, it does not stand out. You do seem to actually care about it, though, since you're having the second chapter edited. I hope you meant it's edited by someone else. Self-editing was a mistake I made. Having a good editor is important, because they'll pick up on your mistakes you missed, plus they might even help with concept errors. I bounce ideas off my editor all the time. Some are dumb and don't work, but some have potential, and we think them out to make them better.
... Well, that was long. I tried to be thorough. Hopefully, you found that helpful. I really didn't mean to be a jerk.
3197641 I Don't find your honest opinion to be mean, or rude. Its very helpful.
First, I changed the blurb in the description.
Second, there is a reason for him being there. That shall be explained in a later chapter.
Third, I know that I didn't give James a motive at first, and then went back to change that. If you only read the description, I can see how you came to that conclusion.
Again, thank you for your honest opinion.
3198232
You're welcome! I was just concerned. It's always a bit of a risk pointing out flaws in a story. There are writers like TheatreCritic who are infamously bad at taking criticism. While most don't react as poorly as he does, there are some who don't take criticism well. The people who will become the best authors sort out the good advice and take it to heart.
I think I've decided that instead of continuing with this story, I'm going to focus on writing a story. If you really want to see more of "Ponyville Massacre," let me know, and I'll write more.
I commend this brave soul for fearlessly carrying out the Righteous and Holy work of the Imperium, by destroying this XENO FILTH!