Game of Ponies: Frozen Ashes

TheExhaustedBrony #1 · Sep 11th, 2013 · · · The Spark That Lights the Flame ·

I haven't even finished chapter one yet but I just have to say that I know I will be enjoying this story! I'll critique/suggest/comment/otherhelpfulshit once I am done reading this.

Bigmethod

Bigmethod #2 · Sep 11th, 2013 · · · The Spark That Lights the Flame ·

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3187706

Yay! I'm always a fan of "Otherhelpfullshit"!

I hope you enjoy it! Have a great day

Knight of Cerebus

Knight of Cerebus #3 · Sep 12th, 2013 · · · The Spark That Lights the Flame ·

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3189615 happened to my story too. I have no idea why.

RoMS

RoMS #4 · Sep 12th, 2013 · 2 · 1 · The Spark That Lights the Flame ·

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This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

[DISCLAIMER] this review is based on the Chapter One, part One and Two.

Name of Story: Game of Ponies: Frozen Ashes

Grammar score: 6 / 10
1. I dunno on this one.

to inform of the situation

On this one I don’t even know myself. Should you/we use “to inform sb of smth” or “to inform sb about smth”. I don’t know.

2. Numbers and letters

700 miles east of us

Always, always… always use numbers written in letters. It’s more professional.

3. Punctuation
Punctuation,do you think it is a plot-rubbing game?
No sincerely, your story is good. The flaw is on the punctuation. Your sentences are way too long bro'. You use commas when you should require a full stop.
On the same level, skip line. It’ll make your story easier to read and therefore, more appealing.

4. Dialogue & Said tags

“Step forth M’lady!” He bellowed
“Right here” She slammed her hoof down…

shall be
“Step forth M’Lady!” he bellowed.
and
“Right here.” She slammed her hoof down…

When a dialogue is followed with a noun phrase, and a verb of “parole” (I don’t know the proper name), like to speak, to say, to berate, etc… the next word doesn’t take a capital letter and there is a comma instead of a full stop at the end of the dialogue. If the verb is not of this kind, it’s the opposite.
Ex.
“I want your plot,” the bulky pony called Big Mach growled.
and
“I want your plot.” The bulky pony called Big Mach bounced, thrilled.

By the way, skip a line when you change of speaking character. It’s way easier for the reader to understand your story and who’s talking.

“M… M’lady…” she cut him off before he could continue, “You told me this is of dire urgency Gorin… I have travelled far too long and for a vast amount of days to get an answer, now speak.”

shall be

“M… M’lady…”
“You told me this is of dire urgency Gorin,” she cut him off before he could continue. “I have travelled for far too long ~~and for a vast amount of days to get an answer~~. Now speak.”

The second part of the sentence is only a repetition of ‘far too long’. Get rid of it to get a short but meaningful sentence.

4. Other
Otherwise, I’ve spotted only few careless mistakes. Use Word to spot them. And if you already use it, it might be because I’m using the United Kingdom’s version (THE TRUE ENGLISH, MWAHAHAHA) and not the American’s one.

Pros
- First, it is well written*.
- It shows that you really want to improve your writing and do a well-built story.
- For a first story it's good. My first story was a shame, but in a few months I had my writing skills enhanced by practicing, talking with good editors and friends and reading.

Cons
- First, it is well-written*, yet you tend to make your sentences last forever. Use a full stop to give your reader some break in the reading to breath. Imagine he is reading it out loud.

Seven years since the first ships set their course across the sea, and not a single day afterwards did this feeling depart from my stomach, almost as if I have been unknowingly consuming the essence of polin, it’s a horrid sensation, makes my sleepless nights that much worse.

The first sentence is forty-eight words long. You should always aim for fifteen words per sentence, up to twenty to twenty-two words for the long ones.

- You focus on creating good descriptions, that’s good, I do the same. However don’t try to overdo it as I do sometimes. The syntax becomes heavy and difficult to read for your readers. And, as a writer you might lose those readers, a potential fav’ and of course a potential follow.
ex.

…the taciturn, and murky dusk barely did anything to illuminate the milky white snow coating the dead grass in an icy blanket, the only…

- Put some space between your paragraphs. You shall aim to the readers’ comfort. Look at your story and edit it in the way the potential readers will be keener to read it.

Notes Section

- For the chapter one part one, get rid of the « Please Read ». For some reader it might be annoying. Put it at the end of the story in the comment section.

- You have made a separation between this announcement and your text by using “_______________”. It’s bad. Prefer
[ hr ]
get rid of the space between the [ ] and the hr.
It’s a HTML code (I think) that is implemented on fimfiction, and that create a proper and well shape separation (a line appears in the text once edited).

Like that ^^.

- For your long description. Start directly by telling the plot of the story. Don’t write a five line apologize. Do it at the end of your prologue/first chapter in the commentary section, or at the end of the long description by using the italic code of HTML
[ i ][ /i ]

Ezn’s guide is a wonderful tool to improve your writing. I’m relying on this one when I’m writing and it’s all good for you and your readers.

₰ φ Ҩ ұ ϡ Ϫ ϡ ұ Ҩ φ ₰

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Knight of Cerebus