Wherein Her Serene Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle Does Something Really Important
Irritating.
That's what this was.
Irritating. Vexing. Aggravating. Trying. Agitating. Grating. Galling. Exasperating. An absolutely maddening waste of time.
Twilight Sparkle was sure of it. As sure as anything she had ever been sure of. As sure as her long-ago fear regarding the once imminent return of Nightmare Moon? Without a doubt. As sure as her foundational belief that all things can and will be explained scientifically despite Pinkie Pie's continued affront to rationality? Oh yes! Pinkie had her stumped for now, but casual observations were mounting and the studious scholar was beginning to form a few hypotheses.
As sure as she was convinced of her friendship with the girls? Well... no. Not that certain. But then that kind of certainty was hard to replicate. It had earned Twilight her wings after all.
Yes, there was certainty. Twilight knew both a motive and probable cause. She was convinced beyond a reasonable doubt. And yet she was still faced with one huge, white, glaring, cake-inhaling problem.
Celestia herself.
Twilight trusted her oldest friend and mentor's advice and counsel implicitly. She always had. She always would. But she was also well aware of Princess Celestia's somewhat odd sense of humor. It wasn't exactly common knowledge beyond the palace walls that Princess Celestia indulged foalish jokes and gags from time to time; Twilight's closeness to the Alicorn of the Sun had left her with a familiarity toward the princess afforded to few and an endearing bond shared by even fewer. Of course, being close to Princess Celestia made it all the more likely that Twilight would be the target of her mirthful mischievousness. More than once she had been caught in an innocent prank. But this? This seemed almost too elaborate and too strange to simply chalk up to another one of the Solar Alicorn's gags. There was just too much time and effort being sunk into it. And what could the punchline possibly be?
After a flurry of pranks perpetrated by Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, Twilight had read up on that particular brand of humor. Ostensibly so she could get them back properly. Reciprocating a prank, she had read, was an absolutely vital part of that form of social interaction and friendship. While Twilight had considered putting Pinkie's spice jars in reverse alphabetical order a great prank, her exuberant friend hadn't even noticed. The next several attempts didn't fare much better. Especially since she tended to get caught setting up the prank due to her insistence on getting the preparation perfect. Her friends had finally told her that practical jokes just weren't something somepony could master from a book.
Regardless, the book had made it pretty clear that the punchline of the gag was important. And she just wasn't seeing it in these seemingly unrelated rituals Celestia had requested Twilight to take part in. It was all just so uncanny and bizarre.
If this was just another one of Princess Celestia's jokes, why did it need to consume days of her time? Twilight could have been back in Ponyville taking advantage of those flying lessons Rainbow Dash had offered. Or having that picnic with Fluttershy they had been planning. Or getting use to her new found earth pony strength by helping Applejack around the farm. Or re-shelving the library. Or even learning how to test the barometric pressure with her new wings. She had read that if somepony knew the ambient barometric pressure they could calculate their current height. While not strictly the most useful skill, Twilight thought it might be interesting to test the magical coherence of clouds based on elevation. There had been a recent article in Scientific Mareica on the subject and she was itching to see if she could take advantage of her newly gained pegasus magic to check the results for herself.
Twilight's academic reverie was interrupted when a heavy gold torq was slipped over her neck. Judging from its thickness and mass Twilight was certain it wasn't actually solid gold. If it were it would weigh hundreds of pounds and she would be buckling under it. More likely wood plated with some thickness of gold foil. She flashed a smile at the two servants who had entered the room while she was lost in thought contemplating thaumic density in wild cumulus clouds.
“Oh, hi there. I didn't hear you come in,” Twilight commented lamely.
“Our apologies, Your Serene Highness,” the older of the two mares replied.
Twilight wrinkled her nose at the title. It was, of course, her title as a sovereign princess of Equestria. Not to be confused with a royal princess of Equestria, like Celestia or Luna. It was a mark of her station and her responsibility as the Alicorn of Magic. Or maybe the Alicorn of Friendship? Due to the recently published Magic/Friendship Equivalence Equation that Twilight herself had a hoof in deriving, she wasn't sure which was technically her office as an alicorn. Maybe both at the same time? Or would that break symmetrical thaumatic duality? Twilight made a note on her mental checklist to update her physical checklist to remind herself to look into the potential repercussions that the Special and General Friendship Theorems might have on Quantum Thaumatics.
“Just Twilight is fine,” the Alicorn of Magic/Friendship replied with a kind smile. She had always been self-conscious standing out and becoming an alicorn had done little to assuage that old anxiety. As a filly, rumors had circulated regarding the source of her prodigious magical ability; many of them were not at all flattering. The feelings of ostracization combined with her focused personality had driven her further and further inward until she had become little more than a hermit living in her personal tower. A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth when her mind wandered to how exasperated she had felt when the Princess sent her to Ponyville for the first time. She wouldn't trade these past few years for anything.
The two servants looked somewhat uncomfortable. Their ears folded down as they exchanged a glance. “Ah, of course... Twilight.”
“I know it's a departure from protocol and tradition,” Twilight admitted. “But I feel it's my duty and privilege to approach other ponies as friends instead of servants or subjects.”
At that, the look of confusion diminished ever so much and Twilight felt the faint flicker of the fires of friendship. She could become friends with these ponies. It would just take a little bit of time and effort. Of all her new abilities as an alicorn, her knack for drawing out friendship in other ponies was her most beloved. One of the two mares began brushing Twilight down to remove any stray fluff from her coat while the other began fitting on the princess' gilded shoes. She chatted amiably with them and before long she had learned a little bit about each mare. As soon as she got them talking in earnest, the three were conversing as if they had known each other for years.
Success! Two new friends, Soft Brush and Gentle Touch.
It warmed Twilight's heart knowing that she could form a rapport with other ponies so easily after living as a cooped up recluse for most of her life. The magic of friendship was a truly remarkable thing.
Once her regalia was in place both ponies began the slow process of meticulously applying glittering gold paint to her face. It was an intricate and visually pleasing design reminiscent of delicate climbing vines. Twilight had absolutely no idea what it meant, if anything. She could feel some trace of magic behind the design and of course gold is a wonderful conductor of thaumic energy, but she still couldn't comprehend what any of this had to do with helping to uphold the delicate balance of Equestria. The incantations she had memorized were just so strange. Maybe once this was all done Princess Celestia would finally explain it all to her.
Or better yet, maybe there was a book she could read. She had always been curious about vocal and glyph based magic. Twilight had looked into those subjects before, of course. But never in any great detail. Maybe this was an attempt by Celestia to encourage Twilight to expand her horizons further into more obscure and esoteric branches of magical study? After all, as the Alicorn of Magic shouldn't she be making an effort to have working understanding of all magic, not matter how unusual? Why else would Celestia have gone out of her way to demonstrate the emotional magics of hope and fear to her? Maybe this was nothing more than a new stage in her studies? Just another form of magic that Twilight would master under the watchful eye of her mentor. That would explain why the rituals were so odd; the oldest and most mysterious types of magic were usually pretty weird.
Twilight thanked the two servants once their work was done and set off toward her appointment. Outside her door Dusk Aegis and Dawn Song, her two personal guards, stood in stoic stillness. As soon as Twilight left her chamber the two armor-clad ponies moved to match her pace. In typical display of respect for the office of princess, the guards remained silent unless spoken to. They seemed like nice enough ponies to Twilight, though she still wasn't sure how she felt about having guards. She hadn't ever needed any before, after all. Twilight was a hero of Equestria and had been such for some time. Both she and her friends. They were just as important as she was, weren't they? Why didn't they get any guards?
Though her friends probably wouldn't want them. The only pony that might be interested was Pinkie due to her insatiable thirst for somepony new to throw parties at. The thought of a signature Pinkie Pie party being sprung on one of the ever-serious royal guards caused Twilight to giggle.
Her guards didn't react to the show of emotion in the least.
The princess paused at the double doors leading to Celestia's study and spoke. “Please wait here for me.”
The reply was short and courteous. “Yes, Your Serene Highness.”
Twilight shot them a look of vague irritation, though she smiled in spite of herself. She hadn't spoken to them about her title yet. The traditions of the royal guard were so deeply rooted in courtly chivalry, that Twilight wasn't sure if she could get them to budge on the matter. But it wouldn't hurt to try convincing them to use her given name, would it?
"If you don't mind, I actually prefer plain old Twilight," she said.
The two guards shared an almost imperceptible glance at each other before Dawn Song spoke up, "Permission to speak freely, Your Serene Highness?"
Twilight's ears flattened at the title. "Well, we're friends right? So why not?"
"Princess, your title and station are more than just words," Dawn Song said, normally hidden emotion creeping into his voice. "As a princess of Equestria you serve as a light and example to everypony. You've accomplished wonders and triumphed in adversity. You deserve the dignity and respect afforded by your title. Though I consider you a friend, I would feel I'm doing you a disservice to address you so casually."
Twilight was at once taken aback and intrigued. She really hadn't ever thought about her title that way before. It was more than just an issue of her preferences, other ponies had their say in the matter as well. After all, sometimes somepony needs to sacrifice what they would prefer and yield to their friend's preferences. The alternative would be to order them to call her by her given name and that just didn't seem very friendly to her.
"I'm glad you told me how you feel," Twilight said. "I wasn't aware ponies even thought of it like that. But if you're going to insist on using my title, I have a request to make of you."
"Yes, Your Serene Highness?" Dawn Song asked curiously.
"You're going to have to give me lessons on looking all stoic," she said, standing tall whilst doing her best to appear both regal and imposing. The effect was anything but.
"Yes, Your Serene Highness!" both guards thundered.
With a smile Equestria's newest alicorn turned her eyes back to her mentor's door, took a deep breath, and stepped inside.
Celestia was waiting along with, much to Twilight's surprise, her sister Luna. “Hello, Twilight. I trust your morning went well?” Celestia asked. As always the resplendent white alicorn was a picture of grace and courtly elegance.
“It did, Celestia. It's been wonderful getting to know the ponies around the palace again,” Twilight answered. She cast a polite smile and nod toward Princess Luna. “And good morning to you as well, Luna.”
The Alicorn of the Night replied with the slightest incline of her head, though her expression was imperious and unreadable. Luna was a difficult one to figure out. On the one hoof she seemed to have a lot of fun during Nightmare Night with Twilight and everypony else. But on the other she was so distant and withdrawn much of the time. Twilight's mind kept wandering back to the look Luna had given her shortly before she set out for the Crystal Empire. Had she upset Luna somehow?
“Have you been practicing the incantations I taught you, my friend?” the Solar Alicorn prompted with the slightest hint of amusement in her tone. The question pulled Twilight's attention back to the present.
“Of course, Celestia. But...” Twilight's ears drooped slightly as she spoke. “This just doesn't make any sense! How could any of this be so important? What does it have to do with being a princess?”
A flicker of irritation crossed Luna's face and she opened her mouth to speak, but fell silent when Celestia gestured with a wing.
Celestia smiled that calming, serene smile that Twilight had cherished all her life. A smile of quiet love and patient understanding. “That knowledge will come in time, Twilight. But for now, all you need to know is that everything you do here is for the good of all Equestria. As princesses, many duties are required of us. The purpose behind some of these duties is clear. We rule by example for all our little ponies. We show them how to live in harmony and love. But the purpose of others? There are many mysteries in this world, Twilight. Many as old as the heavens themselves. Traditions which uphold our world, though we may not fully understand why. Now please, repeat the incantations. It is upon these words that the fate of Equestria hangs.”
Twilight knew that twinkle in her mentor's one visible eye. That sly look of knowing something amusing that somepony else didn't. She would figure out what this was about eventually. And if it was a joke, she would find some way to get the Solar Alicorn back. After all, reciprocity is one of the most important parts of a prank.
Or so she had read.
But at the same time... Luna looked so somber that Twilight couldn't imagine this being a joke. The mirth in her mentor's tone and body language were clear enough to Twilight. She had grown up learning to read them as surely as any book. And yet, Luna didn't appear the least bit amused. Maybe there was just a difference in opinion between the Two Sisters about how serious this ritual should be taken? It certainly wouldn't be the first time they had disagreed on something important.
Twilight eyed the podium she was supposed to stand on whilst reciting the incantations. Or rather, stand in. It was an odd looking thing, to be sure. Twilight was accustomed to magical sequestering chambers. They were absolutely vital to any unicorn who wanted to develop a new spell variant. As any good student knows, stray magic drifting in could disrupt the fragile thaumic matrix and ruin the whole process. But this box for lack of a better word was unlike any sequestering chamber Twilight had ever seen.
It was easily large enough to stand inside with her wings unfurled, an important point Celestia had explained. For whatever incomprehensible reason, Twilight couldn't perform this ritual with her wings folded. The chamber was a mix of silvery gray, pink, and purple substances with a transparent smooth material covering the floor that Twilight still couldn't identify. It was flexible, hard, and more translucent than glass. A type of matter wholly unlike anything Twilight had ever encountered before. It made slight crinkling sounds under her gold-shod hooves. The whole outer surface of the chamber was covered in strange runes and symbols while the inside was a dull brownish gray and unadorned. Once Twilight was situated, Celestia pulled a sheet of the same strange transparent material down to seal the chamber while Luna watched silently.
Was it just Twilight's imagination, or had she seen a twitch of a smile at the edge of Luna's mouth? No time to think about that now, Celestia was already reaching through a gap in the transparent cover to press her hoof to Twilight's cutie mark. The Alicorn of Magic lit up her horn with an arcane field, took a deep breath, and prepared herself to speak in a saccharine sweet, overly excited voice for the good of Equestria.
“I'm a princess now! Are you a princess too?”
“Aren't my wings pretty?”
“I love it when you brush my mane!”
“Let's fly to my castle!”
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I have no idea what I just read.
I LOVE IT!
Appease the great god Ha As BrO Twilight, or we shall surely suffer from the great cataclysmic know as Re Boot!
HASBRO!!!!
No wonder Luna is upset. She does not have one of herself.
Took me a while and a comment to figure it out...
Ow.
A great setup for an admittedly unique joke. I don't think anyone else has even thought of that yet. And I love your Twilight's inner monologues.
P.S.:
im so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will someone PLEASE explain?!?!
Well trolled, sirrah. Well trolled indeed.
3133288
Explain? No way! Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. It's won't be so hoppin' when you're done.
But I shall provide a hint! Read the description of the arcane sequestering chamber carefully and see if you can figure out what it is.
I figured it out around the gold painting.
i thiiiiiiink i know now....
haha, i loove it
What was the gold paint for?
but the story is hilarious! Celestia totally trolled Twilight.
3181386
Run a Google search for 'Talking Princess Twilight Sparkle' and all your questions will be answered.
Well, this might explain the recent influx in the royal treasury at least.
Bloody hilarious, good work.
99% buildup for 1% punchline? Magnificent. You just made my pre-reading day.
themcp.webs.com/Luna_sees_what_you_did_there.jpg
(We hath observed what thou didst perform there, o humorous scribe...)
'nuff said.
Okay, I honestly can't tell, so... was Celestia serious? I get the joke, just not sure how it's supposed to be playing out in-universe... or is that the point?
3286619
Or something like that.
3286647
Aw shoot, Rebonack, grats on the EQD feature brother! You deserve it.
I quickly got suspicious when I read about the booth, but when it was actually described I quickly understood what the text was hiding. Magnificent writing in saying so little with so much. The fact that it was narrated by Twilight greatly helped masking the true meaning.
The real question is if it is a prank or not. My personal opinion is that it both is and isn't.
Hot dignity damn, this story is awesome!
3286762
Heya Merlos!
Genius.
3286762>>3287538
Fancy seeing you two here. I'm going to now
harasstalk to both of you in the Skype chat.Hm. This is an odd one. I guess it works as a shaggy dog story, but the diversions from the final reveal are almost too diverting; it feels like you had a lot of headcanon and character moments you wanted to get out of your system, and they were actually quite good bits, but it feels a bit like I've just received a gag gift wrapped in exquisite imported gold-plated bubble wrap. Does that make sense? I'm actually distracted by the quality of your filler. Not a bad problem to have, as such, I suppose. Liked.
In the bit with the spice jars, check word usage; you have a "fair much better" when I think you mean "fare".
3286762>>3287538>>3287627
Are we waving at people in the comments now? Is that the thing we're doing?
Heh. Thank you for the kind words. If my story has gifted you with a smile then it did its job.
3287642
I think 'odd' accurately summarizes most everything I've ever written. Ever.
And I understand what you mean. I think. There's a fair bit going on aside from the gag itself. In particular Twilight trying to come to terms with the changes she has experienced and how she has been altered by her ascension. New opportunities for magic, new opportunities for friendship, new ways of thinking about herself and how she relates to other ponies. And, of course, new ways for Celestia to troll her.
Maybe I'm totally misunderstanding here. You're saying that the story could have benefited by being more tightly focused, yes?
Man, I'm torn on this. There's a lot of loose threads lying around that have me feeling kinda unsatisfied after finishing it. It's written pretty well and I laughed out loud at the punch line, so it's worth a like, but I feel like it would be better without some of the extra weight like the musings about Twilight's title. You also have a tendency toward potentially excessive wordiness that I've recently become very self-conscious about in my own writing, but that's kinda personal and it's entirely possible I'm being overly critical because of it.
Other than that, I think the (admittedly excellent) punch line is so meta that it should have a 'Random' tag.
3287938
I suspect it isn't just you. I've gotten more than one comment about the story needing a little more focus, so I'm not about to ignore that feedback. Hazzah for constructive criticism?
Glad the story made you laugh! My work here is done.
3287727
Yeah, a bit of focus might have helped. Nice content in general, though.
I don't know, I enjoy the "lack of focus". The whole thing is sort of open ended, and reading through one cannot help but wonder what this elaborate prank is. Then wham. Right at the end, we're hit with the punchline and bowled over (except for those who didn't get it).
This story reminds me of something I saw a a few years ago
3287642
3287938
3287727
I am also in two minds about this.
I certainly can see where Skywriter and Mook are coming from. The seriousness of Twilight's monologue and musings started distracting from the story. On the other hand, the extra weighty bits in the buildup gives the story a sense of gravitas that makes the punchline all the more barmy.
Overall I enjoyed this story as a meta one-shot. It certainly got a laugh out of me.
Excellent use of prepositions there. Pinkie doesn't throw parties for ponies. She throws parties at them.
A very enjoyable read. I'd actually like to see an epilogue, wherein Twilight continues to research the meaning behind the curious ritual. Either Pinkie or Discord could reveal the answer. Or both. Both works too.
3288784
I could, but we all know that leads to existential breakdown on Twilight's part.
After all, it's been explored before already.
3289011
Yes, but she wasn't an alicorn last time! And watching Purplesmart's sanity shatter is always such fun.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/614/639/9df.gif
Well played, good author. Well played.
I lol'd.
3289802
Good to hear!
That was kind of my aim.
hue
that has to be the best punch line ever. oh my goodness i laughed and laughed. bravo!
Now that was just fantastic, and easily worthy of a follow.
................
Oh, you fiend. You horrible, terrible fiend.
I love you so much right now
Very, very masterful story. Absolutely no way to predict the punchline before it was sprung.
Eh...
I get it, but... why? I mean, I know why WE find it funny, the doll and all that, but, in universe, why would Celestia make her do that? Is it some kind of fourth-wall joke? In which case, was there some sort of nod to that in the buildup that I missed? Any kind of hint that Celestia is aware of our world and Equestria's status in it? If not, then... what is the joke?
Well-written, and I did chuckle at the punch line... but two minutes later, I was confused to the point where... iunno.
First:
I'm going to echo what 3287642 said — though personally I think this story could have been just as awesome if it lost the punchline. You've got the worldbuilding to carry a serious story here. To make it work as a comedy, yeah, slimming it down would make the payoff more worthwhile.
Three paragraphs from the end I figured it out. I was aghast to say the least xD.
I wish I had been drinking something while reading. This ending deserves a proper spit-take.
3287642
Call me crazy, but that's probably the best way to describe this story. And it shouldn't change one bit. The extra seriousness and bits that pretend to be leading somewhere make the actual ending all the more unexpected.
This was just perfect.
I was thinking it was going to be a television or something at first, but once I got to the final lines, it all clicked.
Beautiful.
Though I do agree with 3287642 and 3287938 that there might have been a bit too much filler, though on the other hand, I suppose part of the joke of a shaggy dog story is that it builds you up until you find out that the dog wasn't actually that shaggy. I think my biggest problem was that Twilight's musing on it all possibly being a prank by Celestia undercut the surprise of the ending being what it was.
Still, her posing for her doll for Hasbro is hilarious and terrible and fits in perfectly with all we're told about the ritual.
I reviewed this story!
My review can be found here.