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Twilight's lack of inspiration or progress for a Hearth's Warming play prompts her to believe that she has the most stressful life in the world—on a train ride to gather her thoughts, though, everything is shown from a more realistic perspective. And it isn't the ride, but the stories, that she will remember most.
Featured on Equestria Daily January 27th, 2014
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Nice story Yip!
Great story. The scene with Vera was heart wrenching and beautifully executed, so thanks for giving me tears. Twilight feels very in character - this is something could see happening in an actual episode.
I could stand to read another chapter to be honest. You could easily write either more of the journey or make it a thing she does each year, learning more stories and growing as a pony. Just don't take six months to write it if you do.
YIP THIS IS GARBAGE!!!
Your story is bad and you should feel bad (V)(o,,,o)(V)
Now that I have your attention; nice story.
This is pretty exceptional, Yip.
The theme is pretty obvious, yeah. It's pretty sped up and quite a few of the character interactions don't seem realistic. But, for what you tried to do, you did. It's relatable to most of this community and even the entire world: it's so easy, so so easy to believe that you have nothing and have the worst problems of anyone out there. But the truth is, none of us really do. We as people create images of ourselves and decide our own emotions because it fits what we think we want at any given time. Often times it's not: often times all we do is deprecate ourselves and break apart our foundations.
This is a story about a man whose coat has exactly eight holes in it smiling because for the fifth night in a row, there hasn't been any rain. This is a story about a prisoner grateful that he has come to forgive himself. This is a story about a woman who knows that if she never lost her son then she'd have never opened the organization that saved a thousand more sons from the disease that got him first.
As writers, we never know what to write. Like Twilight, we are lost in a sea of our own thoughts and despite having the most beautiful ideas we will never see their true identity until they are on paper. That's the hard part, because it's the part where we realize what we truly believe. We are perfectionists, we can't allow ourselves to lie here because it would jeopardize the story. So Twilight will write on, the only truth she may ever really tell. But it's okay this time.
Everyone with a story should be given a chance.
3334934 Thanks, LUC. I really did need that for whatever reason—the theme was made apparent just so it wouldn't glance over people's shoulders. It's something that really is important and needs to be understood.
I was expecting Twilight to get off the train after a therapeutic session of armchair therapist, but I guess not.
It would appear there are no brakes on the therapy train.
Dang it Yip stop using single quotes you heathen
I've read better fics, but I've also read much worse ones. Overall, this one wasn't bad. It has a nice sort of a lesson to it, vaguely reminiscent of the episodes themselves. It's a good, solid concept.
Saw the cover photo in the featured box and thought I was having déjà vu xD Got my attention at least. I'll be giving this a read when a more reasonable hour rolls around. Tomorrow. Got something to look forward to now at least
A short, touching tale
There's a lot about this that seems to have a dream-like quality to it. An almost surrealistic detachment that gives a bit more symbolic weight to each of her encounters.
What can I say about this story?
I like it. I always appreciate something that knows what it wants to do. I always appreciate something simple. It's nice. A part of me would like to see Twilight get off and back on, experience the stories for herself as opposed to having them told to her. Meet these characters, meet their families, understand their struggle, and then resolve it, hopping back on the train for the next one.
I feel like that'd be a story a mite longer than what you did here, though, and with length comes complexity. Which, when it comes to stuff like this, isn't a good thing.
3353297
dessy go 'way
I really liked it Yip. This whole story feels like something the whole family would get together to share on a Christmas morning. Very warm happy fic.
That was definitely worth reading.
This was good, Yip. Thanks for showing me.
First 500 word review: Hitch a ride
Opening lines are very important: Your’s makes me think blagh, blagh, blagh... It adds nothing to the narrative. Now, lets skip that first paragraph and do the the second.
“Twilight Sparkle watched the candle with bloodshot eyes, waiting for the last bit of wax to melt before blowing out the flame.”
Now that should have been you opener. That’s a great visual, it sets a tone, and it leaves me with questions. I’m compelled to read more.
---
“There was a time she had told herself to go to sleep, but Ponyville’s clock tower hadn’t rung twelve times to mark midnight—or at the very least she was too occupied to hear it.”
That’s a bit purple. I had to reread that a few times to follow.
---
Good suspense so far. I’m wondering what’s going on, with out feeling in the dark.
Solid writing. Nothing to pick in the way of passive voice or filtering. You show well, though you get a bit purple in places. But that’s not bad, just your style. Be aware of it all the same.
Watch your use of where/was. You do a good job of showing, but places you get “telly” stand out.
I’ll probably come back and finish this story next week, and leave a comment on the story itself
3506402 Thanks a lot. This is one of the only comments that really gave me a realistic outlook of something I wrote, even if it was only 500 words. Anticipating the full comment with bated breath.
3506413 Read it. Cute story. Had a bit of a "It's a Wonderful Life" feel.
The biggest flaw was the lack of tension. I never really felt compelled to keep reading. Writing isn't you problem, you're solid there. Story telling is where you need to focus. Tell me a story, that makes me ask you to keep going. Formula can be your friend, read up on Joseph Campbell and the monomyth.
Very solid writing, and a nice theme. There's a nice lesson to be learned from this, I think. It didn't really hook me, however, and it took me a bit of effort to really get into it.
Still, great work Yip. This gets a like from me.
'Tis an awesome little tale.
Added to Twilight's Library.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Yip, that was beautiful. I didn't want it to end. Probably one of my favorite stories I've read on the site.
I almost got bored and left. I'm sooo glad I hung in there. The first half may have been uninteresting, but once Twilight got on the train it was nothing short of perfection. Definitely made it worthwhile.
3609804 I get that a lot (the part before the train).
Nice little story. Sometimes it only needs someone to lend an ear for that little nudge to the right direction.
So I managed to stick this one through to the end. Occasionally I felt like giving up, but some little thing here or there would keep me going til I noticed I was near the end anyway.
As far as good things to say, Twilight felt more or less in character. You hit a few of her keywords, such as stressing over a project and her fear of tardiness.
The overall plot was fairly straightforward and a lot of the interest that kept me going was curiosity about how it would play out. Having Twilight suffering from writer's block, taking a train trip, and meeting/talking to people to overcome it is relatable.
The problem is that at many points, things are just... weird.
At the start, I'm not terribly sold on the idea of Twilight rewriting a classic play. While I can accept it for the story, it just seems odd to me that this would be an important project for her. Towards the end it becomes more clear that she isn't so much rewriting the play we saw in canon, but apparently was tasked with creating an original play that is themed on the season/holiday, using those characters. Details are a bit sketchy, but this further bit of clarification doesn't really make the premise any more acceptable. Again, it's one of those things apparently you just have to grit your teeth and accept in order to get through the story.
Twilight being tardy in picking up the costumes that arrive in Ponyville produces two problems. While it is in character for her to be worried about tardiness, I question why the situation is even an issue at all? One of her best friends, Rarity, makes costumes and clothes all the time. Why are these clothes being delivered to Ponyville and in need of being picked up? Why is Twilight the one picking them up instead of Rarity? I mean, sure, I could accept some sort of explanation for this, but none is given in-story. It doesn't destroy the story, but it does certainly distract from it.
The other part of this problem is that if we accept that these costumes do need to be delivered and Twi needs to pick them up... in what way is this specifically an issue of tardiness? Ponyville has a mail system. It's weird that the packages are delivered to the train station, but not to her door. That aside, if some special case was set up that she does need to pick them up at the station, why is it time sensitive? Why was it planned so that being late is an issue, rather than having the packages arrive plenty early so they could sit at the station to be picked up at her leisure? Again, no explanation is really given as to why this is urgent.
I lied. This actually creates three issues. Because as soon as the packages arrive, Twilight leaves them at the station and spends the day on the train. I thought there was some kind of urgency involved here... sure, she's "trapped" at the station due to the blizzard, but why doesn't this cause her more stress? Leaving Ponyville on a train doesn't really...mesh with the urgency of getting these costumes where they need to be in order to avoid tardiness.
Arrival at the station gives us our first OC meeting, followed shortly by our second. It's a theme of this story to have relatively unimportant OC's parade through Twilight's area, leaving behind some tidbit of value. As such, the strength of the story relies on these OC's being distinct, memorable, and enjoyable. The conductor and the package delivery mare fail to really do this and are both very bland. In fact once both were on scene at the same time, it became a bit blurry as to who was who.
A change of pace from the problems, the fact that the ticketmaster has tickets to give out for free was completely believable. It does seem like the sort of thing that they'd have, to try to sneak a bit of business in. Everyone seemed pretty intent on nickle-and-diming Twilight on her "free" train ride. Unfortunately/fortunately it appears Twilight never spends a bit during the trip, despite costs being mentioned constantly.
Corkscrew is probably my favorite character in this story. Not that I especially like him much, it's just that he's the least boring. He's still fairly forgettable, but for the scope of the story I feel you did the best job on him. His behavior felt very real, his problem was relatable, and while his decision to up and quit did seem a bit odd, it was obvious something he'd been debating for awhile and just got the little push he needed to make the decision himself. Twilight's reaction to him and his situation and decision felt somewhat real too.
After he leaves the train, the story takes a nosedive.
Vera was weird to be weird. She was an obvious attempt at trying to be memorable. If Corkscrew was "normal" and a bit plain, Vera is "trying too hard." She's obviously "one of those crazy people you meet on public transportation" and the appropriate response to them, in my experience, is keep distant, smile, and hope they aren't the violent sort. Her crazy ramblings did not strike me at all as something Twilight would be concerned or empathic towards. This encounter left me feeling very "WTF?"
Illude has a cool name. Taken as a whole, her story is kind of cool. What I found problematic for her was probably mostly carryover from Vera. Her being so timid felt out of character, considering how up until this point she'd been fairly helpful and personable. Having them both be upset by the hardships of the other ponies to the point of tears seems... strange. I can get there being a bit of difficulty getting her to open up, but the feel of that process felt rushed.
In the end, Twilight gleans something to use from these ponies' lives to use in her play. Again, Corkscrew's translation sounds like something that would make for an interesting play, or part of an interesting play. I have no idea how that interpretation of Vera's story translated into the thing with Private Pansy. More WTFery. Lastly, assigning Illude's story to herself/Clover was... I guess acceptable, but still didn't really seem to flow from the story Illude presented.
Considering that we're using three of the historical figures, it seems odd that we have nothing from the other three. It's not like we couldn't have the train ride last longer so Twilight encounters three more ponies. Indeed, something could have been expanded on at the station, perhaps Princess Platinum inspired by the Ticketmaster's generosity with the free ticket and willingness to stow her costumes for her while she takes a day trip. Perhaps expand the delivery mare to some kind of bravery facing the storm, and represent Commander Hurricane somehow. All that would be left would be something for Chancellor Puddinghat. If either of those suggestions didn't work out, meeting more passengers on the train is always a possibility.
All in all, I think the story would need some massive overhauling to turn into something good. The skeleton idea of having Twilight meet several OC's and eventually turn those meetings into some sort of literary endeavor is interesting enough to keep. Fixing the issues with the initial setup, a lot of the execution along the way, and giving us a more satisfying conclusion would take that skeleton and turn out a good story.
Waitasec! You're also the author for Hitch a ride??
Please tell me you'll be at Bronycon. I want your autograph.
4464412 I live in Canada, it's hard for me to go to cons
4464416
Aww. Well, keep me posted if you ever do make it to one.
3942685
I'm not the author, but I wanted to tell you that I thought this review was useful to me as well. The Hemingway App also looks like a handy tool for double-checking bad habits.
I thought I was the only one who hated italicized thoughts! You've pointed out what I already learned, but never understood. I also feel that direct thoughts often echo dialog, becoming repetitive, even when anticipatory.
4621435 I told him in person that I thought the review was useful (although Burraku and me did counter some points, but that was a long time ago).
4621708
Sorry! I wasn't trying to imply that you had been unreceptive. I didn't see how old the review was. I wanted to clarify who I was, just a random user, since that could make my statement sound confusing?
It reminded me of a few things that I should keep in mind. Beyond that, I have no idea what may be a mere difference of opinion. I was also surprised to see someone mention direct thoughts and how they can be detrimental in literature sometimes. I never liked them, but now I have some idea why. No rule or suggestion is ever a hundred percent true in writing, but I dislike the reliance on such things. It really stands out in third person. Call it a pet peeve, if you will.
Edit: I haven't read the story yet. When determining if I want to add something to my read later pile, I often skim the comments first.
Wasn't this from the very first Writeoff? O.o I know I've read it before (it's upvoted!) and I actually remembered it once it got going, so that's saying something, :)
…Why will this not leave my Read Later bookshelf?