Despite facing loss and hardship, Scootaloo never completely gives up. Silver Spoon is used to having anything she wants or needs given to her. When the two end up together, both learn about a world they'd never really seen before.
While this story is marked incomplete, it is subject to changes and revisions until I'm finally satisfied with it. Until that time, you are a pre-reader. You're getting an early look at an unfinished work, and if you have helpful feedback I find useful, I'll be sure to mention you in the credits of the last chapter.
Cover art drawn by the talented Alasou.
Chapters (2)
Good start. can't wait to see more
Hm.
First, I'd say that you need to cut down on the exposition — the paragraphs where you explain what happened in the past, specifically with Scoots' mother in the second scene.
I'd also say that you need to use less short sentences. It's rather stilted. It would flow better with some longer, comma extended sentences.
That's what I got from a quick scan through, anyway.
Well my interest was piqued before, now you have my full attention!
Chapter one experienced some fairly significant overhaul. I don't know what the most appropriate way to signify this is, but if you've already read CH1, it may be a good idea to skim it over a bit.
pretty good
I am looking forward to see where this goes, I can already tell that silver is going to be surprised at the condition of scoots if it ever comes to light, and like scoots in the last chapter I have been punished for something I did not do. I look forward to seeing how scoots will handle what is coming
Did someone say Scootaspoon?
Hahaha okay, I have to read this.
Snozberries. well put in reference to Charlie and the chocolate factory
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I tried to keep it subtle.
A few errors here and there. My biggest question for me is this. Why in the hell is Cheeriliee abusing her position as a teacher? And why isn't she dealing with DT and SS? Seriously it's like no pony in Ponyville has a soul and is crueling taking a Fuzzy Sanchez on the life of Scootaloo and her family's livlihood?
Oh
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Y-yes,
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Decent chapter. I wonder what dastardly deeds DT is going to use to take another stab at Scoots.
An interesting piece to be sure. A little too much exposition for my liking, but you keep it interesting enough that I don't want to look away.
Good work. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Now, let's see how long it takes for a certain pink filly to get beat.
I don't know what to say. I'm blown. Like, that was just was murderous levels of character and world building. And Diamond Tiara totally mind bucked Rainbow Dash. (Also, yeah, that RD moment was pretty hawt!)
I really got too into world with Scoots Mom and Dad. That was some emotional stuff. It almost hurt knowing Scoot could lose her Dad before too long. So frail, and worst yet Scootaloo just seems to have inherited the anemic immune deficiency from her Dad.
It's a bit creepy to think how much of me I read in that Silver Spoon. I was so happy you built her up above and beyond what most tend to do with her. And right now I have to say I am totally enamored by her. Hard to tell how she sees Diamond and how Diamond sees her. But I am loving this story, they each seem to care for the other in their own unique way.
Diamond Tiara, she was rather incredible in this. It's waaaay too early to really know what she'll end up like in the story, but the mystery behind her character. Diamond Tiara, whatever she has in mind, one thing is rather clear: Diamond Tiara will take on ANYpony, even the likes of Rainbow Dash, for whatever paybacks she sets her mind on.
Keep doing what you doing. You got one badflanking story here and I am very happy to have had the chance to read this. Please, keep taking your time, I'm in no rush if it means more quality moments like this!
So many characters. I'll assume the meeting with Cheerilee in next chapter? Or is that resolved? Another question, are they still young? I got confused when fillies were drinking alcohol.
Great story. Yeah, this should of been featured. I'll be waiting with bated breaths to see if Diamond ends up becoming another stepping stone for Silver or somehow defies her outlook on how most her nobles treated her back in Canterlot.
ARGH! Such a great stroy! ><
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Thank you for your comment. This is why I write, and I'm glad I hit my audience.
I have a lot of plans for DT. Hopefully they're enjoyable and unexpected.
Also, what alcohol? Everypony in Sugarcube Corner was enjoying milkshakes.
As for the age of the fillies, I have this set loosely in S3, and intend to portray them as nearly-adult at the oldest. I should probably write out my worldbuilding for their school in a blog post.
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Neither Cheerilee nor Dash are main characters for Hungry. That is why neither are tagged.
Uh, Jesus. Misty is an asshole. And I'm having some cognitive dissonance issues with this Cheerilee.
So, Rule 14 of Ponydom is clearly in effect.
3491166 3505348 There isn't much to say. Cheerilee is more focused on the assumption that Scootaloo, who is visibly hurt and disheveled (really messed up looking) and has no time for other grievances. DT and SS is likely the last two she wants to deal with right now. It's what? Three Tardies = Detention? Cheerilee, had more pressing matters to attend to after school and that was to write up a proper letter informing Scoot's parents that she's been in a fight supposedly and she'd want to have a parent teacher conference.
Why DT and SS got spared a tardy? Teachers do it all the time. I was spared a few from time to time. This isn't about Cheerilee, her part was fine. A concerned teacher trying to get a short tempered pegasus (in her eyes) from getting into any more fights. Teachers only know what they see. They aren't miracle workers and only do so much. I don't see what is wrong here. Cheerilee isn't a bad teacher, she's just sorting her priorities and for her that is trying to help Scootaloo.
*shrug*
I think maybe you're focusing too hard on a trivial part of the story. Scoots is just being unfairly treated, a lot of this story has to do with the lives of these 3 fillies and where they come from, what makes them do what they do. From explaining why you never see Scoot's family and more of Faust's original vision of a more aggressive Scoots who gets easily riled up, as seen a bit in S1 Scoots is pretty confrontational and outspoken. To even other character building like What type of pony Silver Spoon might be like, where she comes from, why she and Diamond seem so close. And then we have Diamond, why is she gotta be so mean, as a certain pony song likes to say.
If you're more hung up over why DT and SS got spared a tardy, given how Scoots came into class, you might want to reread what happened to Scoots and picture a bit harder what she must of looked and felt like dragging herself to class like that. Tunnel visioning on tardies is more of a Twilight Sparkle thing, STAHP. Cheerilee is not a bad teacher. You just aren't seeing it from her perspective.
TL;DR Would Cheerilee done better by ignoring Scootaloo and giving them all detention and not mentioning anything to her parents? I'd argue, "Not really."
This is really good! The grammar is good, though I did see a few mistakes. There was a few missing comas and some misplaced ones. There was also a few weird wordings and such. BUT! Overall it was very good. I look forward to reading more.
~ Michael
3605198 Inception!
Geez! You make going to school sound so... Complicated! I mean, I know there are social circles and dynamics that "shift" from time to time... But this is insane! It makes me think of the whole, "Oh my god! He totally kissed Becky" (inside joke, just roll with it) type of environment. Now is this a good thing... YES! It gives this story sooo much more depth and eventually creates a separate environment and understanding to the "playground", making this childhood setting seem more grown up and appease the reader's demographic better! (Listen to me try and sound smart!)
Now, with that semi rant over with... this is a little thing that I found really... Off.
She is the daughter of Filthy Rich, Filthy Rich! I just can't see it, I honestly can't see it. I mean...ugh!!!
Other than that, great chapter!
~ Michael
What? Scootaloo's not an orphan? Where's the Alternate Universe tag!?!
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3631666 Her being an orphan isn't cannon...
~ Michael
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...just wait. :P
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews.
This review is dedicated to the late Frank Manner, who was ritualistically sacrificed in my honor by the author, Cryosite. Thank you for sending me his head, sir/madam/goldfish, it was delicious.
I feel my broad feelings on both the bewildering fan phenomenon of "ship-fics" as well as the genre of romance as a whole are pretty well documented by now. I've shouted my virulent opinions loud enough for the entire state of Texas to hear and promptly ignore in favor of shit country music. So you can image, dear reader, the sheer immensity with which I rolled my eyes at the phrase, "Scootaloo and Silver Spoon shipfic" - Silver Spoon being such a memorable and well established character that I had to look her up on the fan wiki to recall just who the fuck she is. Oh, pairing the bully with the bullied, that's a budding romance that will keep me at the edge of my seat. So, with my prejudices and predictions completely in play, you can picture my look of sheer surprise at the discovery that "Hungry" is actually good.
I have my share of grips - grips that will make up the majority of this review - but the primary thing that makes "Hungry" a proud member of my "Not Shit" class of fanfics is the fact that it has actually characters in it with goals and flaws and personalities. What really makes me enjoy the characters is that Cryosite could've really cocked them up and tried way too hard to make us sympathetic, but rather elects shows us the characters in their daily habits and how they respond to the world around them and influence their choices. They're such nice examples of that Desire/Weakness/Response to Weakness model I illustrated last week and achieve autonomy without need for long backstories or lengthy, unrelated POV segments - which exacerbates the fact that every single one of them fucking has one anyway. God, talk about dodging a bullet only to get cut in half by a train later that afternoon.
"Hungry" is in great need an editor and probably a proofreader while we're at it. Much of the description, while rather interesting when held to its own merits, is redundant and unnecessary character building that could just as easily have been achieved by simply viewing the characters in their natural habitats… which the story does already. It strikes me as akin to this really interesting draft of Raymond Carver's "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love" before his editor cut out two thirds of the story at the sacrifice of nothing. To clarify, this story isn't just overwritten, it's the very concept of overwritten come to life and set loose to terrify naughty school children into behaving.
"Hungry" also pulls its blanket over its head and cowers in fear of that perpetual specter "Dream-Whisper-Story-Syndrome". For those of you just joining us or that have the attention span and memory retainment of a dead goose that's been lobotomized, that phrase basically means that the story itself is fine, the flaws lie in the way the story is presented. As mentioned earlier, the story shameless shifts POV from character to character regardless of their relevance and dives head first into their back stories, so pacing and focus are both pretty much fucked right up the ass by an abusive father-in-law and abandoned in a vault on the dark side of Mars with only a crate of finger puppets and some raunchy Asian porn to keep them occupied.
I'd imagine a self-proclaimed "Scootaloo and Silver Spoon shipfic" would retain focus on those two characters, but I'm a dreamer on a medically delusional level. Instead, I was forced to tag along with auxiliary characters that do basically fuck all in terms of the purported subject manner. They're not bad or poorly written characters doing fuck all, mind, it's just that their not what we're here for. When "Hungry" descended from its ethereal platter to make sweet, sweet love to me, it slipped and banged its head on the remote and we ended up watching reality TV instead. Hey "Hungry", I'm not complaining or anything, but wasn't there a relationship you were supposed to be sowing?
I figure the fact that "Hungry" is a shipfic that hasn't shipped its characters nor indeed initiated any significant interaction between them is going to turn a lot off the people that are normally into this sort of thing. I mean, a shipfic without the ship is fine with me - I view it as someone announcing their intention to rape you then presenting you with a box of chocolates and a Starbucks gift card before sending you on your way - but a lot of people want the cheesy romance, and two chapters in there's not a ship in sight on these waters. (Fucking clever!)
Closing thoughts; my four hurdle system first employed back in "TAoMH" town (yes, I am going to mention that in every single shipfic review now, thank you) holds up, and "Hungry" has nailed the "Well-Established" and "Avoids-Cliche" hurdles and, with a little polish and maintenance, it could probably obtain the other two. It needs to be cleaned up. For now, it's a crossed-eyed kid with thick glasses and a heart of gold that's standing in the doorway of excellence but is so unfocused and convoluted that it keeps slamming its little head against the sides. Still, I do not hesitate to whole-heartedly recommend "Hungry" on the grounds that it's a shipfic that I liked - which probably means that people who are normally into this kind of smut will probably begin worshiping it as some kind of messiah made of cake, victory and sex.
Don't sacrifice people to it, though, save that shit for me.
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You've stooped so low as to rip me off now?
I THOUGHT WE HAD A GOOD THING GOING!!!
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It actually came from the PM conversation I had with Cryosite.
I said:
he/she/it said:
I don't read your reviews.
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And where did the name come from?
I read yours, by the way. It's always good to learn from other people's mistakes...
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I am highly entertained by this review. Of note, since it is still incomplete, I fully expect to send it through as many editing passes as I can before I'm satisfied with calling it done.
3631666 well, due to the fact that she was never said to be an orphan in the show, her being an orphan is just speculation. It's like fluttershy, we never see any of her relations, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have any.
3490453 the thing is, she just doesn't see the bullying occurring. If you look at her note, it says that DT and SS "escorted" scootaloo, so cheerilie just saw DT and SS walk in with Scootaloo, and thought "well, they must be helping her/bringing her and that's why they are late. What nice ponies!" And not realize it was sort of their fault
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I really need to hurry up and upload the revised versions of these two chapters, and finish the third.
5751399 yes. Yes you do.
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Forgive the extra notification if you already were pinged by this story being tagged to my blog on the topic, but I rewrote the first two chapters of this story and invite those of you who have read it to read again.
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Thanks, I didn't get the ping. So I'll probably get to it around 3:30, 4ish this after noon at the latest. But I'll definitely read it today ^_^.
I am going to sound like an asshole, but I feel like this needs to be said.
While I find your need to constantly polish and shine these chapters to perfection, it is actually a way to lose followers as well as turn away readers. When you say bluntly that you will be constantly changing the chapters, the comments about the chapters and fic as a whole change and differ, becoming obsolete with each rewrite and change. You also spend alot of time on these two chapters, not putting out others to keep the readers interested and invested. I have learned from hard expirence that not updating in a long period of time gets frustrating for the readers and might turn them away, especially if you are focusing on something else entirely. If you say that you are at least chipping away at the next chapter, it will please them and keep them there, especially if you give them a date or approximation of when you'll have it out. Point being, you have left the second chapter on a bit of a hanger. We know that Diamond and Silver are planning something with "The Game" as Silver constantly refers to it. And we know that the CMC are the center of said Game and that Scootaloo is in some serious personal turmoil, making the readers anxious of what will happen....but we got a rewrite, instead of an answer.
Like I said before, I love the story and I will continue, I also said I would sound like an asshole. Just keep what I said in mind.
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As I have mentioned elsewhere, I write for the long game. I am not terribly interested in the "fimfic game" of entertaining people with the process of the story being produced, featurebaiting, and so on. My goal is to write Hungry (and other ideas I have). My goal is to one day mark this story complete, and have it be the best effort I could put into telling the idea in my head.
Pick your favorite story on the site that is complete. Does it matter to you how much time passed between the writing of the chapters of that story? The comments? No. The story is complete. That "production phase" spent waiting for the next chapter to come out is over with. It's still your favorite story though. It will exist in this "done" state for a much longer time than that production phase did. It will last for years, and the quality of the story will determine if it becomes the favorite of few or many.
That is what I seek.
That said, I have also continued to work on other chapters. Chapter three has, at this point, 7 scenes planned, 4 of which are done (or very close to done) and 2 of the remaining three are fairly well along my development process.
I refuse to work with deadlines, because failing to meet those creates disappointment. They also do nothing to help the quality I am trying to achieve, and instead focus on quantity/speed to attempt to meet them. I'll sacrifice making the production period fast or entertaining if it will make for a better story.
I would rather be poor at the fimfic game, have few to no followers, and little to no attention if that is the price of my goals. I have no interest in being one of the many "famous" writers on the site that pumps out fic after fic, each mediocre and forgettable but featured briefly.
Read. Couldn't find any grammatical errors, although for the first part in the chapter, Silver Spoon's flash backs were a tad cubersome, and threw the story off a bit. But it did tie things together in the end. Still look forward to chapter 3 coming out.
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I'm not saying that time matters. Hell, I haven't updated a one fic in over a year. However, I do occaionally chip away at it, telling my readers that I am. Having people enjoy it is what I want. While finishing it is the long term goal, making sure people enjoy it is the goal. Making someone happy is what really matters. Games and Movies do it all the time. They work on it slowly, telling their veiwers and audiance that it is happening. Occasionally throwing out proof they are working on it. Such as E3 Trailers, Teaser Trailers, and the all mighty Launch trailer that goes out around the time they make it publicly available. I'm not saying you have to play the "FiMfic Game". That is more along the lines of Clop, HiE, and New Episode related content. The personal interaction between letting people know you are working on something and seeing them light up with joy on the fact that their favorite fic is alive is the best part.
My favorite fic is a battle between Past Sins and Composure. Past Sins was a project that, like Hungry, was constantly being worked on and updated with it's chapters. But Pen Stroke Occasionally let people know that it was being worked on, more content would be brought up, and it will be better than the last.
Composure is infamous for its slow heartbeat, but the author still chips away at it, throwing a blog just saying he is alive or putting up some fanart with a small sign of life near the end. My point is just giving people news that thing will come. I'm not saying "Update every week because FiMfic demands it", I'm saying you should take pride in the following you have gained, feed it occasionally, even if it's something as small as "Hey guys, worked a bit on Chapter 3 today, getting some progress done." It doesn't even have to be that frequent. One a month or so, I let people know I am working on my various projects, making some headway on the next chapter before editing. You are free to do what you love, but feed the love that people give you for you work. Like I said, I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'm just a fan of this fic and want assurance that it is being worked on and I will see something in the future.
marvelous job describing Misty Meadows, except for her cutie mark. I'm pretty sure that wasn't mentioned.
also I love the fact that Scoot's mom is an Earth Pony and the comment about her enjoying perching on her back as a foal was adorable! <3
3631666 Scootaloo isn't an orphan. In Flight To The Finish she had her own room. So she at least had adopted parents if not biological parents.