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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well. That was bit of an unexpected ending. Also you make Cadence scary.
I had a feeling something was up when Tim got involved. But it makes gathering the harbingers that much easier.
We didn't like how long it took for Trixie to finally try the test, it feels like that took almost half an hour in story time...
Keep going! ;)
3565390
The good type were it makes sense when you look back on the hints, or the bad that just makes you scratch you head? Just wondering, since I was aiming for the former...
And Cadance is scary, even in canon. That she's as nice as she is just means she isn't terrifying.
3567595
Harbingers, huh? A bit cliche', but I must admit I kinda like the sound of that...
The problem with having characters getting distracted. Too little, nobody notices. Too much, you irritate people...
I guess I went a bit too far, even if I'm a bit proud of how organically that conversation flowed. I'll keep it in mind in case I try something similar again.
3568908 To answer your question? The good type. You gave just enough but left it unanswered and unasked for the answer to have an impact. Also your view on Cadence is awesome.
3569175
Good to hear. I got a little worried for just a moment.
And Cadance is a really unappreciated pony in my opinion. Sure, she's very pink and have a thing for dresses...
But peoples seems to forget she also kept that love shield going for days until the mane six actually got to the crystal empire, and she's the only pony that has killed on screen in the show. By all but throwing Sombra to a magically empowered mob, none the less.
3568908 it wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't constantly draw attention back to it. I quite enjoyed the conversation but for the fact they kept going, "so about that test....". :)
This chapter is good ... but really confusing to read at the same time![:rainbowhuh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowhuh.png)
3569308
Ah, then I get it. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks for clarifying.
3570314
The Trixie switching between third person and first person thing?
I realize I've screwed up if I have to explain it, but if it helps...
Basically, she has a stage persona. That's the Great And Powerful Trixie... but when she gets rattled, disturbed or distracted the mask slips and she slips back into her old/normal self, plain Trixie Lulamoon.
Did that make it any easier to understand? I'd really like to hear some more feedback/details so I can make it easier to follow her perspective if that isn't it.
3573750
It helps enough,thanks![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
Read the lot just now (over the past few hours), and I've got a few comments.
I think this fic would have been improved if it weren't framed as a Five Score alternate universe fic. It wouldn't have taken many tweaks to change it from a non-canon side fic into a full ponies-on-Earth fic in its own right. Too late for that now though.
Failing that, I would have preferred something that was a bit more referential to its inspiration.
- It is a stark contrast to have Dash be the first and arguably main character of the main fic, but be the only one of the mane 6 not to get sent away in this fic; I will trust that you have a reason for Dash being left behind however.
- Alicorn mane 6. I honestly don't know why you've done this. Whatever you have planned could almost certainly have been accomplished with only Twilight as an alicorn (and Cadance, I suppose).
Two things I do like:
- Trixie. I've read various Five score side fics that attempt to place ponies who have more of their memories into the story, with The Last Crusade's Sweetie Belle, The New Boss' Sombra, and Return of the Dawn's Celestia being notable examples; and while I won't say that any approach is better or worse than any other, I do really like your approach.
- Fluttershy's cutie mark. While other fics have usually had ponies with similar behaviours and traits to their human selves (such as human Twilight being a scholar and the human Apple family being farmers), with the suggestion that either the pony was intentionally placed in the circumstance by Discord, or the hidden pony self influenced the human's choices. What you've done is place the ponies with apparent randomisation and if the human self conflicts too heavily with the pony, then their cutie mark/destiny is altered to fit; I think this idea is great and I hope it pops up in one or two more characters before the fic is through, even if it is not given much attention.
Minor spelling/grammar criticism:
You've had capitalisation problems at times, spelling errors and grammatical errors, but no error as frequent as "princesses". Most times you have used the word "princesses", you have intended the word "princess". I'm not entirely sure why this bothered me more than any other error, but it did. (You've said your first language is not English, so to be clear: One princess, two or more princesses). The error was most frequent in chapters 1 and 5, but also appeared a few times elsewhere.
3583181
Thank you so much for the criticism! (And the fav.)
Sorry for the wall of text. I haven't gotten much negative feedback and I wanted to answer your points properly.
In the order you brought it up:
- This fic was actually born out of me being frustrated with the original. I really like it, and I get it started as nothing more then a short clop story that grew in the telling... But stuff like how many of them are prepared to just forget twenty-five years (Not to mention their families) and how Anon is basically still this blank slate that seems to have sprung from the aether really irritated me.
I can think of one attempt to even contact their families... and that didn't exactly work out for Rarity. Stuff like that, and the near complete masquerade that is so cliche' in transformation stories rubbed me the wrong way.
(To be fair, some of this has since then been addressed. Stuff like buzzing the border at mack ten actually leading to a international incident and similar.)
I wasn't even registered at the site at that time, so I didn't pay it that much mind. A good fic with some irritating parts. Not much to do about it, right?
Then the dozens of side fics popped up. And more, and more... And I got the thought...
How would I do it? How would I tell this type of story? You've read the result.
I probably could have made it entirely my own thing, and just slapped a disclaimer about it being inspired by 5S/4... but that was never what this story was in my head. It was a 5S/4 story from the start. I guess that makes it less original, but I think just admitting it makes the whole thing more honest.
- Dash being left behind was done completely intentionally. I wont go into any in story details since she's only been in a small scene so far, but her being stuck in Equestria serves a couple of purposes from a writing perspective.
It, just like you say, pushes the fic far from the original. This makes it clearer to the reader this isn't a story with just a few changes, but massive ones. Basically, I wanted to earn that AU tag.
She's the one of the mane six least suited personality vise to be left behind, and not only thanks to the Element of Loyalty thing. This gives me a lot of logical personal stuff to use for conflicts, motivation and drama later
And last, but most important... The Elements. By breaking the group up like this, they wont simply be able to rainbow blast their way to victory. They're going to have to use other means to do that.
I fully intend to have her play a important part, she just won't be doing it on 'our' earth.
- The alicorn stuff is a heavy spoiler for later. Sorry. I think it's going to make sense when it starts to really matter, but I'd rather not risk ruining any of it.
-Thank you. Always nice to hear that one of your ideas have resonated with somebody.
- Also something I found irritating with the original... even if I found it more irritating in The Last Crusade. The whole destiny angel. An entire new life and it's just "second verse, same as the first?" Personally, I found that both creepy, depressing and more then a bit frightening.
What if the old you was a mage, or rock-farmer, or something? Never finding a passion in life because that single slot is somehow filled by a task not available in this world?
I'm going to go into it more later, but the way it works in my fic is that the one special talent thing is actually a social and cultural construct among ponies, not a hard limit. In Equestria, everypony knows you only get one skill you truly excel at... but we humans don't work like that. For us, it is near universally accepted that skills are something you earn by passion and hard work.
It's basically another way the exiles have been marked by their new lives.
- And I sadly know, but thanks for reminding me. Spelling is my big Achilles heel. I've worked out a system I'm using right now that seems to allow me to catch most of them, but I haven't had the time or energy to go back and re-re-re-re-edit the old stuff yet.
Sorry once more for the giant wall of text, but thanks again for the feedback. I hope my answers cleared some of it up.
3583527
That's not quite how I interpreted the main fic's characterisation of their human selves. I saw it as the personalities (not the cutie marks) of the ponies imprinting themselves on the humans they lived as. I'll explain it with each of the characters of the main fic:
Rainbow Dash - As you said, Anon is pretty much a blank slate character, but even he borrows from Dash in two clear ways unrelated to the cutie mark (which was about Dash's love of speed and/or racing). First is that Anon had a knack for staying in good weather; second was a love of Rainbow Dash, turned out to be typical Dash egocentricity.
Applejack - My argument doesn't hold well for Jack, because his defining personality trait was that he's a farmer while Applejack's defining traits are her honesty, her care for family, and that she's a farmer. The cutie mark is either family or farming depending on interpretation.
Big Mac - Even less so than AJ. Evan lacks Mac's stoicism, and doesn't get a chance to display his intelligence. They are just both farmers.
Fluttershy - Fiona inherited Fluttershy's shyness, which has nothing to do with her animal care cutie mark.
Twilight - Twilight's cutie mark is about magic, but what Tess got was a love of knowledge and study.
Shining Armor - Rachael has little background or personality. All I can see is a closeness with her sister, but that doesn't say much. On the other hand, Shining's cutie mark would encourage armed or emergency services, but Rachael works a desk job in an unrelated field.
Pinkie Pie - Pinkie's cutie mark is balloons, which is commonly interpreted as a love of parties; Harry doesn't lift a finger to help with setting up his shared birthday party. Instead Harry got Pinkie's mischievousness and reinterpreted her randomness and craziness as willing to use drugs (or so goes my interpretation). Even the interpretation of her cutie mark as wanting to make everyone smile doesn't cover everything Pinkie-like about Harry.
Rarity - Her cutie mark is gems, which relates to her ability to find gems. Tom inherited Rarity's creativity instead.
My point is, just as there is more to a human than their job, there is more to a pony than their cutie mark. So while you have taken a different approach as to the pony's influence during the 25 years (an approach I like, remember), TwistedSpectrum hasn't decided that cutie marks mean destiny.
3583919
Fair points... but keep in mind, I started writing a couple of weeks before Twisted Spectrum had as much as introduced the "Canadian Team." That is quite the number of chapters ago, both for me and him.
I've honestly been pleasantly surprised by the direction the original has been going. Stuff like the argument at the dinner if they should try turning back or not, and Rarity saying no to having her original memories returned for fear of the current her dissapering have since appeared, and have done a lot for my enjoyment of the fic.
Honestly, I hope to see at least a few more attempts at contacting their families... but most of the irritations that made me start writing OPCIAMB have actually been addressed by now
I will still standby that learning more about the ponies human lives would strengthen the fic, though.
3889467
Thank you! Always nice to hear that somebody else finds your ideas interesting and glad your enjoying the fic so far.
Sadly, the only one of your question I can give details on without spoilers is the cutie mark thing. From an earlier comment I made on the subject:
4157668
It's a alternative universe fik.
Basically, same base concept, but a different time-line.
That clarifies things?![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
1) Like my comments in Pyramid Power during the editing phase, you really should try to use "I" when Trixie is thinking, and use "Trixie" only when she is talking.
2) Spelling mistakes and some missing words I will look for after I comb through Horse.
As usual
Also, badass. Badass everywhere. Regarding the Hall of Heroes thing... basically, they reincarnated as humans, and will eventually turn pony?