Princess Celestia wakes to find that she is not in Control in the way she used to be. Seeing how she is not the only one with power. Princess Celestia feeling insecure and weary on the changes around she feels she needs to Control the Princesses. Not just Princess Luna, but Cadance and even her faithful student Twilight Sparkle, but for Princess Celestia this may be a challenge as she needs to develop plan's on how each Pony will fall under her Sleepy, Tired, Relaxed, Heavy, Effortless, Susceptible, Warm, Blissful, Obedient and Mindless Trance into Princess Celestia's Hypnosis. Who know's even you might be Hypnotized. "No Need To Think about how Susceptible You Are as you Mindlessly and Effortlessly Read This." -Princess Celestia
"Oh dear... it appears my plans have taken longer than truly anticipated, surely the wait has been long, grueling, and even ridiculous, perhaps some added goals aside from these Princesses." - Princess Celestia
Written By: Luna Elite
Edited By: Belgian & Xaldon Ajide
Proofread By: Zevski & S0ngb1rd
Well, I quite enjoyed this chapter, but all the mistakes took away a bit of the reading pleasure. Even in the first two paragraphs, I already noticed a lot of mistakes that could have easily been fixed if you went over it again before publishing it. Also, you aren't a real fan of commas, are you?
Let's take a look at the mistakes in your first two paragraphs, shall we?
What a mess... sorry. Well, let's get started with the first sentence, okay?
Correct: Princess Celestia stirred in bed, thinking of the latest changes in Equestria as she opened her eyes to look at the decorated sun painted on ceiling representing herself, and let out a sigh.
Correct: She slowly rose up until completely sitting up, staring at the windows that showing little light, but the moon.
This sentence just doesn't sound right. So, let's change it. Celestia planted her bare hoof after another on the carpet until she was completely standing and faced a heavily crafted mirror made from the finest gold in Equestria.
Correct: Even without her Gold Regalia, Crown, and Aurum Hoof Cups, she appeared as a Princess with or without her attire and represented good in pony kind.
Correct: As Celestia stared at herself, she spread her wings, admiring herself and thinking 'I used to be the only princess.'
Whenever a new character speaks, you create a new paragraph, which is not the case here.
Correct: "Everything alright, sister?" Luna appeared from a shadow in the corner of the room with concern displayed on her face.
Celestia gently lowered her wings. "I'm just feeling different with all that's happened recently I never felt so..."
Three periods will suffice.
Well, hope that helped, and if you want, I could take a look at the whole chapter, thus becoming your editor.
FINALLY! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A STORY LIKE THIS!
3137876 I figured someone would come around eventually pointing out my mistakes.
So I'd like to thank you for enlightening the situation as I have problem with commas and a bit of dialogue which I haven't really gotten down.
This is my first story so any help would be fantastic.
3139734 Well then, I shall become your editor. I will send a PM for contact details and such, but remember, your first story is always your worst. ALWAYS.
3139759 Good to know I'm not alone.
I would hypnotise Celestia. My 5 triggers would be: 1. Champion Celestia, this causes her to attack anybody/pony I choose.
2. Darkness, this would cause her to take controll of the sun and moon and create an eclipse.
3. Surender magi, this causes her to transfer all of her abilities to me for my use.
4. Full control, this allows me to dictate all of her actions.
And finally
5. Endless day, this command works as an judgment command. Celestia leaves the sun in the sky for eternity burning the earth.
And for number 2 I would be hypnotised by Luna. If I was hypnotised by her I would allow her too use me as a personal fighter
Just from the description, I'm waiting for the last chapter to break the fourth wall.
Nice story!
I would Hypnotize Twilight with a trigger to make her not be able to use magic, one to make her dumber and more bimbo like every time I said it, one to make her agree and believe anything I say, one to make her horny, and one to make her evil (not murderous or grimdark, just evil enough to make her want to take over the world or at least act like Chrysalis)
Luna would hypnotize me to help me sleep better or be more productive with my work and exercise, but if she also wanted to use me for her "personal needs" I would be cool with that
An interesting story, and one I think I rather like.
I would hypnotize Princess Twilight Sparkle, and my five triggers would be as follows:
1) "It's a fact" - whatever follows or is followed by this trigger, Twilight will accept as completely and utterly true, to the point that if asked about it she will give you very plausible sounding (and very unconsciously made up) references and statistics about it. (I think Twi's one of the only ponies who can think on her feet, er, hooves, fast enough to pull that last part off, and the results would be hysterical)
2) "Inventory" - causes Twilight to briefly enter trance, completely and randomly rearrange the library's collection of books, and snap out of trance without realizing what she's just done.
3) "Friendship letter" - causes Twilight to put whatever may currently be on her mind, however trivial, silly, or downright wrong, into a letter, and have Spike send it before snapping back to her senses.
4) "Spa day" - causes Twilight to become instantly and profoundly relaxed and calm, regardless of her current mood or pressing issues she may have. Included because as fun as messing with Twilight is, she deserves a remedy for her frequent, often self-induced episodes of extreme stress. (As a secondary effect, she gives Spike a small gem each time this is used, since he's probably gonna have to deal with the aftermath of suggestions 2 and 3)
5) "Embrace the magic" - causes Twilight to fall immediately into a very deep, suggestible trance. Why? Because you never know when you might need to make an alteration or two to the ones mentioned above (or, if you're REALLY devious, add even more!)
I would most prefer to be hypnotized by Princess Luna (I see a theme developing here), though Twilight would be fun too. I'd let Luna hypnotize me as the ultimate display that I not only liked and respected her, but trusted her as well. As for what would I let her make me do? I'm showing that I trust her. She can do anything she wants to me, even if it pushes my boundaries a bit. What would I WANT her to do? Well, I never remember my dreams. I'm sure some are bad, but I'd still like to remember them, especially if Luna's the one presiding over them, so I'd ask her to keep them in my memory after I wake. I think that's a suggestion we'd both enjoy.
Some other possibilities and my thoughts on them (listed in a funny manner):
Sex: "Whoa! Don't get me wrong, I have a kink for this sort of thing, but if that's what you wanted all you had to do was say so."
Protection: "Hey, you are a co-regent of Equestria, a wonderful friend and companion, and a singularly beautiful being in both body and mind. It would take a terrible coward not to protect you."
Pretend to have gone mad for the lack of meat and chase ponies around the castle: "Ummm. . . I dunno, Luna, I mean that could be dangerous, and I don't really wanna frighten anypony. It could stir up a lot of- *She stretches out a wing to touch forehead. Eyes glaze over for a moment before tearing up shirt and running hunched over down the nearest corridor, all the while making sounds like Taz from the Loony Tunes*.
Keep up this entertaining work.
This was absolutely wonderful, I'm very excited to see where you take this.
The one big thing that caught me up though, was the constant run-on sentences. They make the entire thing very uncomfortable to read, and for a while in the beginning there I was seriously debating whether to continue or not. If you were to fix only one thing in this story, please fix those.
Besides the run-on sentences though, the story is fantastic. Once it got to the actual hypnosis part, I was blown away with how well-done it was. Your hypnosis sequence was exactly what hypnosis should be like; long, detailed, full of rythm and repetitious dialogue (that OBEY section was glorious). So few mind-control stories do such a good job with the mind-control portion, and in that aspect this fanfic did extremely well.
Again, I totally loved this story. If you fix the grammar, it could easily sit among my top five favorite MLP MC fics by the time it's done.
I can't think of any good triggers atm, so I'll come back for that contest.
Luna Elite Thank you for writing this,
I enjoyed reading it. Your hypnosis sequence was amazing; long, detailed, full of rhythm and repetitious dialogue (that OBEY section was glorious). So few mind-control stories do such a good job with the mind-control portion.
I am sure you heard that before but I am glad to repeat it.
I guess I would have to think about what you said in your Author's notes.
Thank you for writing it.
UPDATE SOON!!!
3137876 I noticed some of your corrections were wrong too, for instance:
"She slowly rose up until completely sitting up, staring at the windows that showing little light, but the moon."
Should probably be:
She slowly rose until completely sitting up, staring at the windows which showed little light, which came from the moon."
The grammar's pretty jumbled there so I'm not entirely sure what the author was trying to say, but "showing" is present tense.
Celestia should plant one bare foot after another, not "her" bare foot after another.
"Even without her Gold Regalia, Crown, and Aurum Hoof Cups, she appeared as a Princess with or without her attire and represented good in pony kind."
Good in pony kind seems awkward, I think "Representing the good of pony kind" would be better. Also "As a princess" just means she's a princess, I think the author was looking for a word more like "regal" or "elegant."
"As Celestia stared at herself, she spread her wings, admiring herself and thinking 'I used to be the only princess.'"
The "I used to be the only princess" should be in quotation marks. Also "herself" seems redundant here, so maybe "admiring her figure" would sound better.
Last but not least "I'm just feeling different with all that's happened recently I never felt so..."
There should be a comma between recently and I and I should be either "I've" or "I have"
Sorry if this comment comes across as rude or jumbled, I'm pretty new to FimFiction so I'm not entirely sure how to do everything, but yeah I just thought someone should point that out.
Also the author has lots of trouble with capitalization. Trigger, down, and night, for example, are not proper nouns, so they shouldn't be capitalized, even if they are relevant to the story. Also, I think the actual trigger phrases should be in bold or italics, as opposed to capitalized. Hope this didn't come across as rude or anything, I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that but anyway... I should shut up now.
3184509 That's why it's always better to have two editors instead of one. The one can fix the mistakes of the other. Also, I noticed that the sentences were weirdly written, but I decided not to touch that, because maybe it was part of how the story was told... I don't know.
3184509 I understand that it is weirdly worded and bold or italics would be nice, but please this whole Chapter was the test for my writing capabilities.
While I failed in many areas.
I also succeeded in many as well.
Now I'll come back to this Chapter eventually and fix it, but in the meantime, I'm going to continue forth. While looking back at my past mistakes to help my writing further.
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Edison
3187571 Alright then
certainly better than my first one (not that I've actually put anything anywhere). Mine was almost entirely dialogue xD
3187571 Oooh~ Then when is the next chapter? I really like this fic because it only focuses on the mind control aspect and not on clop or whatever other things you usually find in mind control fics.
3193806 Hopefully within the next week. As I caught a terrible cold this past week and it severely hindered the story's progress.
Now I'm recovering and rewriting the next chapter.
3200183
What's status of the next chapter?
3270389 Its taking way longer than expected, I've been bombarded with school and tiredness, but don't worry I'll definitely have this done before the end of next weekend... hopefully.
3273788 static2.fjcdn.com/comments/I+m+watching+you+dog...+im...+watching..+you+_5f27f40ad0fa60ff583395ebd640b87c.png
3273788 ... hopefully. Sorry to be such an annoyance, I'm just really interested in the next chapter.
3327874 It's not your fault, I'm trying to write this quickly, and it's eating at me that the next chapter isn't out yet.
Princess: Cadence. Triggers: Number one would be "Hush now" (for putting back in trance). Number two would be "Bad Day?" (used to make her confused, therefore unable to run her kingdom). Number three would be "There, there" (to stop her from talking, making her mute). Number four would be "Never mind" (for making her forget the previous hour). Number five would be "Darling" (to make her unable to think of anything but the person who hypnotised her.
Question 2: I would let Twilight hypnotise me. She seems reliable and trustworthy, though I wouldn't let her humiliate me in any way.
I get hypnotised by Rarity and Sweetie Belle.
3359339 i need to learn hypnotism!
3359339 this is GOOD advice! 3273788 It'd be nice if you made it into the story, (If you can work it into the story you have!)
WOW SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Great job, can't wait for more
3458092 I need to summon up the courage to even try to hypnotise someone.
3482085 Well, the real question is. Do you know how?
3482085 someone could hypnotize you to do it?
3482095 Sadly, yes. Many different ways, but I've only tried the suggestibility tests, you know, hand stuck to the table (using their mind, people usually can't get their hand off the table, they think it's glued on) and such.
3482191 Haha. My friends don't really understand the subject as well as I do, therefore would make a fool of themselves trying to hypnotise me.
3487111 PFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTT, i'm immune to mind games, I HAVE THE DARKLIGHT FORCE, ZUUL MOTHERFUCKERS!
348846 huh? Everyone can be hypnotised. It's a part of daily life. Take those times when you're walking and talking to someone and end up in your destination without thinking. That's a regular form of hypnosis.
I'd love to be under rarity and sweetie belle's control @.@
3488628 HA! i have no REAL friends, and i wouldn't walk outside of the house (other than into the driveway) during the day, EVER
Luna elite.....
Shank ye for making and continuing this story.
From the bloody tip of my Kusari-gama, Shingiri no tachi, i salute you, waiting at your call, to aid in any plan!
~Ember, The Kistu of choice, for killing, assassinations, and plot convenience.
3518780 Whoa!! Not sure to feel scared, concerned, or thankful.
3528713 any are fine with me!
3528995 Then I would wonder why you're making such comments causing me concern or anything else of that matter. Have I done something to you?
3529027 to express how twisted i am, but that i can be nice, while also staying creepy! (fall isn't really a time for creepy with me, going into inter is more of a time for the spirits for me. the chill of the air feels like spirits whizzing past, the trees without leaves seems to embody the bones of a corpse, and do i NEED to talk about Shai-Hulud?)
Is there a revised release date for the next chapter? Or are we on the "when it's done" phase?
3537832 The chapter will be releasing sometime this week. I can only hope this is the last time I say that and finally release it. Besides that, I hope you enjoy the second chapter,
3538286
Sweet. Looking forward to it.
3518776 Thank you for expressing your Sombra-like feelings. I must say, though, that even losing track of time can sometimes be a light hypnotic trance. Your mind does many things subconsciously, such as breathing. Your subconscious mind controls breathing, but as soon as you think about it, suddenly your conscious mind controls it. Hypnosis is just bypassing the conscious mind, putting it "to sleep" while implanting suggestions on the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind has your values in it, so it is impossible to do things you wouldn't do in life in hypnosis, yet it is the part of your mind that simply accepts things. If you said something to someone while they were in a hypnotic trance, they would accept it as if it were truth. Memories can be forgotten, new ones could be written, and the subject may not remember the trance at all. Hypnosis is a fascinating subject.
3557830 hm..... so, hypnosis is subconscious suggestion?
3557900 In theory, yes. It is subconscious programming, making new subconscious habits. Take a suggestion to sleep when the fingers are clicked. The subconscious makes it a new habit, and as the subconscious takes no notice of time, the suggestion is always as fresh as when it was first implanted.
3561890 *during you talking* (wait, i majored in programming, and i minored in psychology! so, now i know how to make my FELINE ARMY!) well, gotta go, i have to do a thing at a place with a guy in the time!
3562701 Ah, and I haven't graduated yet. Think of the possibilities, all the things I could do (if I wasn't such a scaredy cat)... Have fun with your excuse!
3563187 You could do alot. You should talk to Flutters about that, i hear she's good with that kind of stuff, you know story arch and all. I'll try, the guy in the place is picky about time.