An EVA In Equestria

by Black Rock Shooter

Chapter 1: Arrival

Location: NERV HQ, Command Center, 5 miles under Tokyo-3
Time: 00:00:00
Date: 5th of June, 2015
Operation: Yashima
Summary of Fifth Angel Encounter:

Fifth Angel appeared above Tokyo-3, in the shape of a giant airborne blue octahedron. EVA Unit 01 was deployed above ground and instantaneously took serious damage from a high power proton particle beam. EVA Unit 01 was immediately retrieved back into NERV HQ. EVA Unit 01 pilot Shinji Ikari injured and put under medical care for the next 5 hours.

Fifth Angel, designated Ramiel, is distracted by a deployed decoy Evangelion balloon while Type-12 Automatic Cannon fires at it at long range. Ramiel takes no damage due to an unusually powerful AT field. Angel proceeds to destroy both targets. It then begins to drill the middle of Tokyo-3 in an attempt to attack NERV HQ directly, located five miles underground and protected by twenty-two layers of armor. Estimated time for Angel to break through to NERV HQ: under ten hours.

At this moment, NERV Operations Director, Captain Misato Katsuragi, suggests to attack the Angel using a Self Propelled Positron Cannon aimed by EVA Unit 01 at extreme long range from Mount Futago. Due to the Angels AT field, it would require 130 million gigawatts to penetrate the target. Plan requires using the entire power output of Japan. Permission Granted. Designated Operation Yashima.

Unit 01 is repaired and Shiniji Ikari is recovered to execute.

"This flying rubix cube is a real pain in the ass" Thought Captain Katsuragi

The Angel was, defensively and offensively speaking, almost perfect. It attacked any threat within a certain range with an immensely powerful particle beam. Hell, it almost burned straight through Unit 01 when they deployed. If the EVA was out there for three more seconds, it would have been destroyed. The beam seems to only need fifteen seconds to recharge, leaving a small window of attack, but even then, its AT field is the most powerful they've seen so far.

The plan that had the highest possible chance of success selected by the MAGI supercomputers was hers, not that that gave her a bit of confidence. They calculated an 8.7% chance of success. Remembering that just made her all the more grim.

The fact that the situation was so grim was probably the only reason that Command granted her requests, first borrowing the Self Propelled Positron Cannon from the Strategic Self Defense Force Lab, then letting her use literally all the electrical power in Japan to power it.

She could only hope that her plan would work and that Shinji will make it.

Shinji

She didn't know how the 14 year old still hadn't given up. He almost died when they retrieved him from the first encounter with Ramiel. Something that she found out herself, and that the people up in the R&D department didn't bother telling her was that because the pilot is neurologically linked to their EVA, they felt every bit of pain that their machines experienced. And they most certainly felt pain.

He's gone through so much and still stuck to being a pilot. That she was concerned about him was an understatement. She even became his guardian since he became a pilot. She felt for him. She was there when Shinji's father, Commander Ikari, who is also head of NERV, manipulated and blackmailed him emotionally in order to pilot Unit 01. She knew that it was wrong, but she also found over the next few days that Shinji is the best EVA pilot alive, achieving feats that most considered to be impossible.

"A necessary evil"

Realizing her mind was going astray, she focused on the task at hand.

"All systems are go. Power is within acceptable limits." Said one of the technicians.

"EVA Unit 01 is positioned and ready to fire" Reported another.

She replied with a curt nod and accessed the com-link with Shinji.

"Unit 01, prepare to fire in 10, begin countdown"

"9..."

"8..."

"7..."

"6.."

"5..."

---

Location: Inside EVA Unit 01 Pilot Capsule, Mount Futago
Time: 00:02:11
Date: 5th of June, 2015
Operation: Yashima

Shinji's mind was utterly focused on the blue target in his scopes.

He knew that he only had one chance to shoot it. If he missed, the Angel would surely fire back and obliterate him and the EVA. He also knew that because of the Earth's gravity, magnetic fields, and rotation, the beam won't fire in a straight line, making it all that harder to aim.

"Just remember your training. When the indicator converges in the center, pull the trigger."

They told him that since he had the highest sync ratio with an EVA, he was ordered to execute this plan. That this task would require exceptional precision.

They told him that while he was still in a hospital bed, after he felt, quite literally, like he had gotten impaled.

"They must be really desperate"

His attention turned back to the countdown

"4....."

"3..."

---

Location: Command Center, Nerv HQ
Time: 00:02:14
Date: 5th of June, 2015
Operation: Yashima

"High energy output detected in the target!" Screamed one of the technicians.

"What?!!"

"0....."

---

Location: Inside EVA Unit 01 Pilot Capsule, Mount Futago
Time: 00:02:17
Date: 5th of June, 2015
Operation: Yashima

The indicators overlapped and Shinji pulled the trigger.

Time slowed by as he watched the beam sail towards its target. It flew inch by tantalizing inch in its bright white glow.

Then he saw the octahedron brighten too. Then he realized what just happened.

It fired back.

He saw that the beams were about to collide with each other and braced himself for whatever was about to come next.

Then everything went white.

---

Location: Inside EVA Unit 01 Pilot Capsule, Unknown
Time: Unknown
Date: Unknown
Operation: Unknown

For a brief second, there was a sense of weightlessness.

Then Shinji's world was tumbling around him.

The EVA was impacting the ground at an unbelievable speed. He could hear the metal and flesh of the EVA break and tear around him as he was rolling again and again. Not that he was faring better. He was feeling every bit of it. Every cell felt like it was on fire, screaming at him. The pain was immense.

Finally, the crash halted and everything came to a rest. Shinji was still in pain, but he still had a duty to uphold, he still had lives to save.

He checked his visuals. The EVA was still functional, barely, lying on its stomach in the middle of a forest. Fortunately, the Angel was no where to be seen, so it couldn't continue firing at him

"Wait, there weren't any forests near Mount Futago. Were there?"

Alarms blared all over his cockpit, bringing his attention back to the EVA. All systems seemed to be failing, battery life depleting. The EVA wasn't going to stay online for more than two minutes.

Since the Angel was not around, he knew his only option was to shut off the EVA until the Angel or help arrived.

As he was turning it off, a new sound started beeping in his ears, one that he recognized immediately.

"The Pilot Capsule Ejection system must have been triggered on accident!"

He braced himself once more as, for all intents and purposes, the capsule was fired at extreme force, up.

Again came the sense of weightlessness, and again he crashed into the ground.

"Ugh......that hurt way too much"

Then he realized he was bleeding from the chest. Badly.

"Oh no, I have to get out of this thing if I'm gonna make. That doesn't stop it from still hurting like hell though"

With all the strength he could muster, he opened the hatch of the capsule and tried to get himself out, hanging on the edge of the opening just as he passed out.

---

Location: Unknown
Time: Unknown
Date: Unknown
Operation: Unknown

It was the middle of the night and Applejack was as tired as much as anypony can possibly be. She and Big Macintosh had been working hard on the apple trees for the past week now, day and night. Finally, after finishing all that work, the most that she needed was some sleep before she passed out from exhaustion.

She was about to head to bed too, but fate decided otherwise. That's when she heard a series of booms and cracks that almost shook the house to pieces. It sounded as if a full scale war was going on outside. As quick as she could, she got Big Macintosh out of his room, his expression in shock due to the noise, and calmed down Applebloom and Granny Smith. Both of whom were terrified.

"Me and Big Macintosh are going to go outside and see whats going on. I promise we're both gonna be back as soon as possible" She told them both.

Galloping out into the night with her brother, it didn't take them long to find it. It's as if a giant bulldozer rammed through half of the apple trees in a straight line, tearing up the ground where it went. The damage was humongous.

"What the hay could have cause all of this?! All our work, gone! Do you have an idea, brother?" She asked

"Nope" He replied in his all to usual way, with a worried expression on his face.

Then she spotted an unusual....thing.....where the damage ended. As she ran closer, she realized she was looking at a face.

A giant metal face.

It was purple and green in color, reminding her of Spike, but this thing was as tall as one of those skyscrapers in Manehatten. There was debris of metal and trees all over it, and nearby she saw a small pod that looked out of place from all the damage.

There was a little creature, something she's never seen before, trying to get out. But there was something familiar about it. Red. It was dying

"Oh no" She said as she sprinted towards it with all the force her hooves could muster.

Comments

[Lord of Nothing]

Evangelion and MLP? I don't believe I've read one of these before.

Please, continue.

[Black Rock Shooter]

3038330
yeah, as far as i know, only two other MLP and Evangelion crossovers exist on this site, and I've looked

[clonezero]

Curious piece you've made, please continue!

Now for my nitpicks:

The gray text really is jarring to my eyes specially as I use the default "Light" background a few shades darker would be nice. (And no Im nothing making a hidden 50 shades of grey joke )

And speaking of grey text In comparison to the rest of the story I found the first part very jarring to read. For me it read like the headline of a news article but as a paragraph, which just didn't work for me.

While there are grammatical errors, I'd leave pointing them someone more qualified. That is unless you have no issues with vague comments like the one I wrote above.

[TherpLajerp]

YESYESYESYES please continue! Loving it so far.

[Daring Deux]

Just so you're aware, you don't need the [Human] tag if you already sport a [Crossover] tag. The [Crossover] tag gives you free reign to use humans brought about via the crossing over. The only time you'd need a [Human] tag is if, in addition to the [Crossover] elements, you also brought another, totally unrelated human into the picture.

[Black Rock Shooter]

3038872
Thanks
I really need to review the faq, with me being a member of this site for only a week

[Daring Deux]

3038875

Don't feel TOO bad, a lot of people make this particular mistake. I only noticed because I got kinda spastic with research when I started my own [Crossover] fic. Are you writing this for people who are already fans of Evangelion, or for people who are not familiar with the subject matter?

[Black Rock Shooter]

3038885
To be honest, I have no idea. I just write whatever comes to mind for a good sequence of events. Though I think that fans of Evangelion would have a much easier time understanding the beginning, but hopefully people who haven't watched the show can still understand the fic. Also, to all people who haven't watched the show, you're probably gonna get a lot of important spoilers later in the story. Just sayin.

[Daring Deux]

3038893

I took a quick look at the chapter. I can offer some advice.

-Know your audience. If you're writing explicitly for fans of both shows, you can omit a lot of the explanations and narration to aid in flow.
-You use a lot of jargon. It felt like I was reading a clunky tech manual.
-You occasionally and subtly slip from past tense, into present tense narrative. Be careful about that.
-I agree with the comment earlier about the color of the text you used in the setting-thing, for a lot of people it will be hard to read.
-I also want to caution you against using "thought-speak", as you can quite easily just put that in the narrative.
-I also, also want to mention that your use of the setting-header-thing is quite jarring to narrative flow. Your chapter was already short enough as it stood. The narrative would be more engaging if you worked the explanation of time and setting in the actual storytelling. For instance when you're talking about "Ramiel" you could easily have your character be given a briefing on the matter, thus making the character and the reader aware of the situation at the same time.
-My last critique would be your pacing. Your prose is on rocket-fuel or something, jeez. The only bit of advice I can give you on the matter, is if you're going to undertake a chapter-based story written long-form, organization is your friend. I personally like using outlines. For each chapter I start by stating the things I'd like to accomplish in the chapter, usually noting what I would like each character to do; then I break it up into logical chunks and decide the order of the narration. The outline lets you plan out the story in large chunks, and let you deal with pacing before you get bogged down in the minutia.

Hope you find this helpful

[Black Rock Shooter]

3038939
Super thanks for the advice! It will really help in my writing in Chapter 2 and the editing of both chapters.
Hopefully my writing will improve over time, this was after all, my first attempt at fanfic, and I can only learn from my mistakes

[Daring Deux]

3038974

Good attitude! I took the time to write all that out to help you become better. I'm not a malicious nitpicker... usually...

Don't be afraid to submit your story to one of the editing groups here on fimfic, either. There are plenty of things out there to help you.

[Black Rock Shooter]

3038980
Thanks, I'll see what editing groups I can find that will help.
One thing is for sure though. I am exhausted.
Time to go to bed, bye!

[resonance]

1) why not have when shinji was swallowed by the Dirac sea? It give you an out so he could return to Japan.

2) would not Rei also be transported?

3) those poor apple trees. Could have him destroy the part of the farm that connected to the ever free Forrest.

Good opening so far. I agree about the faint grey. needs to change.

[Smiles]

3038352

Have you seen mine?

P.S. I've seen 4, not including my own.

[Smiles]

So I guess I'll say my piece and try and be a helpful fellow author, even though I too have only written one story. Please don't hate me.

The words are kinda flat. There isn't a lot of detail or description for people who have not seen NGE to go on (Such as your description of the Eva, being purple, green, and big metal face. Thats like describing a computer as a plastic box.)

Some characterization errors too. If Applejack saw a huge hulking EVA *these things are 80 meters tall, run for your life!*, first thing she would do is get Twilight.

That's about it from me. I suggest asking for help on the proofreader's group to get you started.

P.S. If I may ask, did you plan out a plot *No butt jokes * for this story or are you writing on the go?
P.S.S. Love the coverart.

[Grankuwaga]

Even if you don't technically need the "Human" tag because you're using the "Crossover" tag wouldn't using it allow more people to find this story?

[Lilith911]

See, 29 likes already

[Smiles]

3039423

Man, I never got that many likes on my EVA story in the first 6-7 hours.

Oh, and how has the following/stalking business been going?

[Lilith911]

3039448
Good, but the admins/mods won't respond to my pleas for free reign

[kragor]

Oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooood yes.

[Wireless]

I've faved this, because I really do want to see what happens next.

However, I also down-voted it, because technically speaking it's really not great. Your descriptions don't really describe much (although your lack of detail on the description of Unit 01 may be intentional), your language is often a little dull and the tense of your writing seems to jump between past and present at random.

I'll keep reading, but if these problems persist I may not keep reading for very long.

[Rakna]

An Evangelion/FiM crossover story? I guess I'll have to post a comment on this one. I'll focus on the NGE aspects and leave the rest to others. Possible Evangelion spoilers ahead, but I'll try to keep things short.

First off, having the story start with the Fifth Angel seems odd. Mechanics wise, I feel it stretches probability a bit thin. Though certainly impressive, Ramiel's firepower could be contained by Unit-00 and its space shuttle shield. Honestly, I have doubts about how collision between Ramiel's beam and Unit-01 positron cannon could result in punching a hole in the multiverse, unless some other to be seen element is involved. Leliel (Twelfth Angel) or Third Impact would make make more realistic causes for dimensional travelling.

That point of the NGE storyline is also less interesting regarding Shinji. The Angel War is still freshly started and the shit hasn't hit the fan yet. Asuka isn't in the picture at that point, Shinji just made friends and things are starting to be good with Misato and Rei. We couldn't say that Shinji is completely happy, but it's certainly not his worse point conflict wise. Depending on the time you're going for, an emo Shinji from later in the series could probably get more benefits from the Magic of Friendship.

There's also Unit-01. Assuming you go with the classical series, it has yet to awaken and gain a S2 engine. So unless you have plans on having it magically recharged later on, (how would that work anyway?) it basically only have five minutes left in its internal batteries (and that's forgetting that there's no support crew to help start it on, let alone maintain it).

 He knew that he only had one chance to shoot it. If he missed, the Angel would surely fire back and obliterate him and the EVA. He also knew that because of the Earth's gravity, magnetic fields, and rotation, the beam won't fire in a straight line, making it all that harder to aim.

Actually, at this point, Shinji's worries would be more about Rei. After all, if he missed, she'd have to shield him so he could prepare a second shot. And quite possibly get killed in the process. What he wouldn't worry about is his aim. After all, it was all computer calculated, he just needed to hit the trigger once the computer got the target.

Now, all the Evangelion nitpicking aside, there's very substance to this very short part, so it's hard to really make a judgment. So I'll leave that pending until later.

Actually, writing this, I find myself wondering if you couldn't try another start angle. Feel free to ignore me on that though, it's just my personal opinion. The way I see it, you could start with Equestria first, maybe a scene of a peaceful morning in Ponyville. Follows Unit-01 falling from the sky (insert maybe a twitchy tail here). Then in the following chapter, have Shinji dream flashback to the recent events (as a parallel to after the Third Angel fight) and his awakening in a strange world of multicolored pony.

Either way, keep going and see how you can to go to improve things. It's not a bad try for a first story, keep it up! :)

[Black Rock Shooter]

3041534
Thanks for the advice, I'll really take it into account. I'm trying to do my best reading through these comments while I do some editing and writing the 2nd and 1st chapters.
Also, for all the people that i've seen on this site who know Evangelion quite well, there are only like 4 or 5 Evangelion mlp fics that exist on this site including mine, you know why?

[p0nypanda]

3038330>>3038352
May I direct you to Shinji's Nightmare by Harry Leferts?

[Lord of Nothing]

3041872

Thanks, I guess.

[MerlosTheMad]

Ramiel is such a pimp.

[whitedorumon]

I'm interested in the concept, to be more specific I'm interested in seeing how you'll pull this story off.

After all, mixing Evangelion and FiM Will (Not) be easy.

Asides from shinji's nightmare there is only one other story in this particular crossover that is done reasonably well... cant remember the name but it involved twilight sparkle teleporting on top of shinji...

...While he's in the bath (oh twilight only you...)

Edit: Oh it's smiles story Rebuild of magic 1.0 :P

[Nightmare Daniell61]

3041561 This looks like it could be the best story ever or the worlds biggest fluke.

God luck patron.http://i.imgur.com/JBAOfOr.gif

[Smiles]

3043260

[Smiles]

3038330>>3041872

No love for "Rebuild of Magic".

[Lord of Nothing]

3043425

We all need some god luck sometimes. Mind if I start using that?

[Nightmare Daniell61]

3043970

God luck? what is that
? and i dont believe in luck. i believe in sweat and work and guns.

[Black Rock Shooter]

3043906
Just so you know, I read through the whole thing and I really liked it.
I also gave it a fave and a like

[Lord of Nothing]

3043977

Your comment that I replied to. Not only does it say "luck" (something you say you don't believe in), it also says "God" instead of "Good".

[The Grimm Reaper]

Definitely gonna read later.

[ARandomCritic]

You sir/madam have my attention. Please do continue, seeing as I don't come across much eva x fim crossovers (there is one called Shinji's Nightmare that has been good so far).

[Naveron]

Great start, please continue

3039462
We should start a petition to give you free reign. I'm sure a lot of people would sign it.

~N

[Lilith911]

3110700
I tried... Knightly didn't respond...

[Naveron]

3110725
~N

[Lilith911]

3110737
I could try again... But I'm not sure how well the people who initially signed it would react...

[Naveron]

3110776 well, I'd sign for sure.
~N

[Lilith911]

3110811
Hmm I might try again with one of the mods...

[Nightmare Daniell61]

3043997 where is chapter 2???? D:

~nightmare

[Sabban]

*pokes author with a stick*

[Oreon]

I know this is now ages in the future, but man, I really wish there was more to this - this is, imo, really well written..