I’m a cat loving viking from sweden, who enjoys mlp and everything that is typical for a classic nerd.
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Shining Armor and Cadence1,011 stories ·764 members
Queen Chrysalis falls into the fountain of youth.
Cadence finds her as a foal and decides to take care of her. How will Shining armor react to this whole mess?
Lots of cute action and some drama.
Will little Chrysalis be happy with her new family?
Dive right in and find out.
Cover art by the awesome Beavernator.
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Is this the end?
Love it. Please make a sequal
Pretty good but it feels more like it could be dragged out over mulitple chapters.
And I would like a sequel.
Like everyone else is saying, this needs a sequel
SEQUEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like the idea but there's a lot of grammar errors and choppy/awkward sentences.
It does seem OOC for Shining Armor to behave the way he does in your story, but now that I think about it, it does make sense.
Great Fic, please Sequel
Feels like it could use more fleshing out to better explain the ragged emotions going thru shining and cadence
D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww
A story about a baby, written with all the skill of the aforementioned.
Go back to Grade Three English. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 views.
plz sequel!!!
great fic
3031826 How rude. You know, there's constructive criticism, and then there's what you just did. Perhaps a refresher lesson in basic kindness would serve you well.
3032332
Constructive criticism is for people who actually put in an effort. I won't waste my time helping those who don't help themselves first.
First paragraph by itself features a lazy mistake:
>crystal kingdom
Proper noun, uncapitalized. Made worse by the fact that "Crystal Forest" is capitalized just mere words before (this being besides the fact that there is nothing to suggest a crystal forest exists).
Then he goes and does "Queen Cadence" when it should be "Princess". Simple, stupid mistakes spot this story like stains, each speaking of just how little thought went into editing this, and don't even get me started on the subjective stylistic mistakes.
Ah! Ow, yep. Felt a slight disturbance in the heart region from that one. I forgot that Cadance was mentioned by Twilight as the greates foalsitter of all foalsitters for only she would have a pacifier on hoof at all times. Despite the many editing flaws and Shining Armor being out of character (for a reason due to the plot), it is a good read.
3032415 I read it. It's fairly obvious an effort was put into it. If you'd like to see some examples of things where no effort was put into it, you can find them. They're much...much... much worse than this, with much larger, much more unforgivable errors.
Perhaps it's not up to your standards. That's fine. But effort was still put into it. So, yes, Constructive Criticism is, in fact, called for here. Not general douchebaggery.
3032513
I could fart a better story than this. "Effort" is not in regards to how many times he right-clicked a word with a red-squiggly line underneath it to let the spell-checker do the job for him, it's for what he did after his face had finished rolling across the keyboard. There was obviously no, or at least very minimal, time and energy expended in regards to editing this (and I use the term loosely) story and preparing it for viewer consumption, and now it pays the price by being consumed by my grammatical wrath.
Any idiot can make something. It takes a true artist to refine it into something worthy. The time spent making it does not matter, only the end product's quality. I can stand a stylistically poor story, but not one where the author refused to put even the bare minimum into the basic mechanics.
3032955
I suppose something you should consider is whether or not the artist actually tried, good grammar or not. Did you even ask them?
3033296 I don't believe he did. And for all we know, English might not even be the author's main language. I know, I shouldn't get so fired up about it, but I have some distant kin whom have a hard time with their grammar. One of them was trying to improve, and then a whole clique of about 10 or 15 students at his school thought it would be hilarious to use it as a springboard to give him a hard time.
He tried to power through it of course, but ... children can be exceptionally cruel bastards, and when their verbal trolling didn't provoke a favorable enough response, they moved to more ... physical behavior to back it up. To his credit, he stuck with it dutifully until high school, but when a particularly grievous incident affected his eyesight, he gave up, dropped out of high school...
Darkentrophy's behavior is very reminiscent of how that crap started. I don't want to see someone else give up on something they enjoy just because of one self-centered asshole.
3029940 For the moment, but there seems to be a lot of people who wants a sequel, so I'll work on that.
3029970 There will be one. Someday.
3030502 I'll do my best.
3030644 I have heard the crowd.
3030738 OKAY!!!!
3030761 I'll have my editor take a second look at it.
3031072 It's in the planning stage.
3031528 True, I might have gotten a bit lazy. Sorry.
3031826 Thanks I love you too.
>>
3032504 Thanks.
Thank you all for reading, Ill try to make a sequel and I'll see if I can improve this one a bit. Doubt I'll ever reach Darkentrophy's standards, but hey. I do this for fun.
3033962 I cant wait to see Crystal grow up with her new mommy and daddy
Despite some grammatical errors there is a lot of potential here. Keep writing and and rewriting as they are the best ways to improve as a writer. You have talent, no doubt about that.
Ok, I will explain some of the problems I noticed.
1. He is Swedish, so his native language isn't English.
2. The title thing is just a part of the story, the fact that none of the rulers are named "Queen" (instead they are "Princesses") is something that I myself have wondered about. Why are they only named "Princess" and not "Queen" anyway? They rule separate realms, so why not be named "Queen"?
Chrysalis is a queen, yet all she rules over is her hive. Unless you can provide some real cannon reasons for why they aren't named as such, I really don't see a reason to attack the writer so vehemently.
3034770
Oh, that's the Disney rule. Queens are evil and Princesses are good.
3035786 Ok, odd rule, but whatever I didn't make the rule. Thanks for the info.
3037720 Well I guess she trusted her husband to do the right thing, If Crystal would have started to cry she would most likely have heard it, but since, Shining actually have some brains, he countered that possibility with the barrier spell.
Had my editor take a second look at it, I hope there are fewer grammatical errors now.
Cute.
I support this story, though the mistakes pointed out by Velkaden are prominent at times. Luckily, the Grammar Nazi inside me is learning to cope with the... internet. *shudders*
3030761
It makes perfect sense. Chrysalis took control over Shining's mind, leading him to believe that she was actually Cadence. Being deceived that heavily can have serious aftereffects, like constant distrust that the real Cadence, whom he loves, might be a changeling. This constant uncertainty could lead him to killing Chrysalis so that she can't harm his wife, or himself, ever again with her deceit. The longer this went on, the further Shining could fall into insanity, even making him think that the real Cadence is a changeling. Long story short, we'd have a Shining/Cadence version of "Cupcakes."
3034770 Just a little nitpick, there is no canon evidence that Changelings live in hives and that Chrysalis' kingdom is a hive. That's just popular fanon.
3052335 Doesn't she refer to her kingdom as a hive in the show? I thought she did, hmm, I have to double check. In any case, thank you for bringing this to my attention.
3061130 No, she just refered to the other Changelings as her minions. And in the comics, she took over and coverted the Lovecats' home into a Transylvania-esque kingdom.
3061160 Ok.
3052335 I never said that the Crystal Kingdom was a hive.
I like to think of the changelings as ants and ants live in hives.
3061279 I said CHRYSALIS' Kingdom, not the Crystal Kingdom.
But hey, if that is your headcanon, fair enough.
3061287 Oh, sorry. I misread it
Here have a mustache and then we can forget this silly thing ever happened.
Cadence rolled her eyes and said. “You little rascal! Now I got no choice. I need to get in the tub with you.”
Not going to lie, the second i read this i thought RAPE!!
“You have nothing to fear, mother is here.
Forget your fears, mother is here and she will never leave you.
Monsters and demons, can be quite scarey, but mother is here, you have nothing to fear.
The dawn will soon be here and make all your fears fadeaway.
Mother is here, you have nothing to fear.
Mother will always love you.”
I lost my mother at the age of 11, so this, whatever it is, got to me.... i miss my mom really bad
Sorry about the constant comments, but here are my final thoughts on it.
One, not trying to me mean, but your grammar sucked ass. That said, your spacing sucked too. Why would you put a gap between someone's dialogue? That just confuses the reader.
The good outweighs the bad though. Shining's development was good; the comment on hoe Crystal corrupted his sperm was funny and sad at the same time.
You also didn't explain why Cadence stopped trying to kill crystal (I'm saying crystal becouse i can't spell her real name for shit) even if she is the princess of love, if you messed with her life, nearly stole her husband and messed with his sperm, she would kill her where she stands, baby or not.
(Wow, i hope that sentence is correct grammar wise, but i think it is)
Like i said about the poem, there were quite a few moments where my heart melted. Especially when Cadence came to Crystals rescue in the nightmare. (And when Shining did the same)
All in all, great concept, and not bad execution wasn't that bad either.
You earned a favorite and like from me.
3090823 Thanks for your input.
I dunno what is wrong with the spacing thought, my editor never mentioned anything about it.
It's nice to hear that you liked the story.
My grammar is not the best, I won't say that it is. But I'm doing my best and hopefully I'll get better one day.
Very touching story, but it seemed to be a little rushed. This kind of concept could easily have been spread across several chapters. However it was still very entertaining, and foal Chrysalis was absolutely bucking adorable.
3100778 This was originally planed to be a very short oneshot comedy story.
But as I was writing it, my brain decided to spiral out of control and dive into the darker corners of my mind.
ok, I understand it is the Crystal Empire, but I don't think Cadance and Shining would be King/Queen. otherwise, good story :)
ok, I understand it is the Crystal Empire, but I don't think Cadance and Shining would be King/Queen. otherwise, good story :)
3103436 Well they are the rulers of the kingdom.
Besides I'm tired of princes and princesses so i made them king and queen just to mix things up a bit.
I'm glad you liked it.
Other than making em king and queen, the alcohol use, and the attempt to kill it was great writing. Shining would never treat Cadence like that. And killing is so unlike either of them.
I came in here thinking that this could be great but it was gonna be really hard to pull off, and in my opinion ... you fell short. Sorry. But good try! I didn't like how Chrysalis seemed to retain a little knowledge (remembered Cadance hit a tree, "I will destroy you") yet otherwise was just a toddler (and in need of potty training). If nothing remains of Chrysalis but the easily-banished nightmares of the Overmind, then what's the point? And if more remains, why don't we see it? Thus, I won't upvote, but I didn't think it deserves a downvote either.
One nitpick:
her husband currently residing in Canterlot, to celebrate his little sister.
I suspect you're missing something here, perhaps Twilight's coronation. I mean, celebrating his sister? Is Twilight an aunt now (different sister), or does Shining just really need no excuse other than Twilight's continued existence to have a party?
This is adorable! I won't comment on the grammer because it is like war and peace compared to some I've read on this site, but I have one thing to say.
PLEASE DO A SEQUEL!
3303648
Thanks for the nice comment. I'm working on a sequel, but It might take a while.
3035786
You're Right. Cadence Should Declare herself Empress.