25 year-old single dad Brony in Houston, TX.
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A prince that nopony knew existed, banished for his crimes against the crown long ago, is able to find a way back to Equestria. What follows is a tale of lies, deception, and murder, and that's just the beginning.
This evil prince finds out just what awaits him due to his brash, unthinking ways.
Big thanks goes to Soson-Sensei for the cover art.
Special thanks to my favorite Brony author Tweak aka Jake the Army Guy for allowing me to use his OC, Agent Bentgrass.
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Nicely done, very intrigueing, excellent work.
i like it, but i feel that the severity of what he did was sadly under-detailed, ( I have no idea if that is even a real word)
3190560
I didn't go into detail about what he did to get banished because it doesn't contribute anything to the story. All that you really need to know is that he tried to take over Equestria, failed, and was banished.
Pacing has definitely gotten better, Jeremy. It can be tough to balance between too many details and moving the scene along at an entertaining clip and I think you pulled it off well.
I wonder how Twilight will react to Francois.
3214154
Read chapter 3 and you'll see how she reacts to seeing him.
3214235
I read it part way through but not all the way through yet. :)
Great chapter! I'm surprised Applejack didn't pick up on the dishonesty emanating from Francois. Then again he didn't really try to pull any funny business around her yet.
I do think he's trying to get the elements on his side though to potentially use against Celestia.
I don't think he'll have much luck doing that with Twilight though!
3231834
Just wait until you see what's coming in chapter 4...
I'm definitely looking forward to it :)
Siblings can be annoying.
3329234
Very much so...
The romance aspect seems a little rushed. The two haven't even really had a meal with each other. I think what Cloudflower feels must be more along the lines of having a crush plus being starstruck rather than anything else. Her eyes may have shown a bit of true love, and her actions speak of a physical attraction, but there is still a sense to me that this may very well be calculated manipulation on her part. Perhaps she was even sent by Celestia to get him to spill his secrets? Hehe!
Francois truly seems to be painting himself into a corner.
I'm wondering what Luna is thinking right now. Apparently she knows her son well enough to tell even when he's hiding a mare, but when is she going to figure out that he's hiding his guilt in murder? On some level she's got to know just as much as Celestia does. I wonder how long love will blind her conscious mind to the obvious facts.
3359416
It is a little rushed, I'll admit this. But Cloudflower is young and naïve (kinda like I was when I was a teen) and is quick to let things like what Francois did pass without a thought. Whereas Celestia knows him for who he really is and is giving him a chance for Luna's sake. That, and I put in Cloudflower as a "spur of the moment" thing that wouldn't leave my mind (trust me, if I had done the first "relationship" that popped in my head, he would have had a previous relationship with Cadence... *shiver*)
As far as what Luna's thinking, she's gotta have the same kind of suspicions that Celestia has, but as you said, she's blinded by her love for him. But wait until you read the chapter when he attempts his coup again. I think you'll find that Luna's not the only one blinded by love.
3360737 This is going to be awesome, thank you for the reply :) I'm looking forward to it.
I didn't expect Francois to develop actual feelings for Cloudflower beyond wanting someone to use for sex. However if he didn't care about her in particular then there would have been no reason to pursue her. There would have been plenty of social climbing mares in Canterlot who would be competing to get a chance at the mysterious dark prince from the past.
Take Rarity for example. All she knew about Blueblood was how he looked and that he had a royal title and bloodline, and yet before the gala Rarity had created a fantasy in her mind about spending a life with Blueblood. There are a lot of mares like Rarity out there who would make the same mistake about Francois when they found out about him coming back, and his "dark past" and even the rumors about his present troubles would just make him all that more alluring to some of them. So, from this I can conclude that he has no shortage of willing mares if he were to look for them. He must really be fond of Cloudflower specifically to even bother going after her.
That shows a depth to his character beyond the plotting/conniving murderer we've come to know so far. It fills him out and makes him more 3d and even someone the readers can empathize with to some degree.
Hanging in the background of all this is the question of whether or not he's going to be successful or not in pursuing his goals and even if he is, how it will differ from the plans in his head. At some point there's almost inevitably going to be a conflict with Luna who has personal friendships with the remaining elements and who loves her sister very much too. I'm interested in seeing how all this will play out and how it will affect Francois' and Cloudflower's relationship as well.
3446578
If you remember, all Cloudflower had heard was that "A Prince had come back to Equestria." and didn't know who he was until he introduced himself. Also, Cloudflower has been the (for lack of a better term) aggressor in the relationship. In chapter 3 when they met, she kinda broke out of the shell that she claimed she had when she kissed him. In chapter 5, she tried (and almost succeeded) to seduce him in the shower, as well as going to bed with him.
As for Francois's feelings toward her, he has developed actual feelings for her, despite the fact that he's planning on another coup. This is something that he wasn't expecting to happen, but falling in love is never something you plan on.
As far as your speculation about the inevitable conflict with Luna... I can't really extrapolate on it due to spoilers for the ending.
Yes, I do have an ending in mind, but as the saying goes, "The Devil's in the details"
Are you going to update
That's an interesting
! The fact that his takeover might actually be a good thing for a large group of ponies makes him more sympathetic. It also explains why the guards before were so willing to go along with staying silent after he threw Agent Bentgrass out. I had wondered why they didn't report something as serious as murder, lunar guards or not. I generally assume that lunar or solar guards both are good ponies for the most part.
In spite of his character development and the romance arc though, Francois himself still can not be seen as a good pony. I also have to wonder if he was really sorry for lying to Cloudflower or only sorry that he got caught in his lies to her. If he really did have feelings for her, which I assume he must have because he risked his life to leave her a message, then he probably really does feel sorry for having lied to her personally, though perhaps not sorry for anything else he's done or other lies he's told. Lying seems to come as easily as breathing to Francois.
So, getting back to the thestrals. It reminded me a lot of the Dune series wherein Paul Atreides finds a vast army that he never expected in the desert people (the Fremen), who similarly lived hidden away in caverns. They too were a fierce fighting force, even down to the boys and girls. They lived in an extremely harsh environment in which the weak did not survive the natural elements or were killed for their body's water. I don't know if thestral society is that fierce or not but it certainly seems to be a society that in a similar fashion produces strong warriors.
It also reminds me a little of the Silverwing series where bats were under a strict rule not to see the sun, enforced by owls. In Silverwing, when the morning chorus began (birds beginning to sing before dawn), that was the bat's signal to go back into hiding, OR ELSE.
Now it would be interesting to see how Francois will win them over. I can't imagine that they would be all that ready to trust royal ponies, since Celestia apparently keeps them hidden from pony society, and Luna only chooses the best for her guard and seems to be in solidarity with her sister otherwise on that issue. It's true that he has the lunar guards to vouch for him, but he may have to prove himself in some way beyond that.
I'm also wondering how the remaining elements and the CMC will play into this story and how Luna will react to the news of Francois' criminal behavior. Will she believe Celestia or think that Celestia is biased?
I'm looking forward to the next chapter :)
3630598
For the Thestrals, I was going more for the Dwarves from Dragon Age: Origins. Tough people, live underground, produce very tough soldiers, etc.
As for how he'll convince them... Let's just say that the Thestrals haven't been sitting idly underground this whole time.
The rest of the Mane 6 will be summoned when Francois storms the castle, as far as the CMC goes... I originally had planned to have Francois kidnap them to keep AJ and Rarity in line, but I decided to go a different direction and they won't be back in the story.
I thought the CMC would have some role in the story because of the foreshadowing of Francois breaking up the cutie mark crusaders by ordering them not to continue it.
Maybe in his own way he really was trying to help them to accelerate them finding their talents/cutie marks? It seems like they'd be resentful of what he did though or when they found out about his criminal activities and the fact that he could no longer enforce his orders on them, that they would be happy to be able to be back together again as crusaders.
Since they won't be re-appearing I'll just have to assume they went back to crusading when they found out what happened.
This chapter gave me so many feels!
Solstice is adorable!
This is interesting in that everythings going to be set up for the final confrontation. One thing that confuses me though is that it appears that the Thestrals resent Luna just as much as Celestia, while Francois only seems to resent Celestia.
Does Francois not know that his mother is probably going to be hurt badly by the rebelling Thestrals right along with Celestia? He's bringing death to all royal ponies and it's going to be his fault.
He was upset that Celestia had banished Luna even without killing her, so much so that he wanted to overthrow her one time before, and yet what he's doing to his mother is much worse. Luna will, of course, want to defend her sister from an invading army more than likely (unless Luna's corrupted too, which there haven't been any previous hints about). On the other hand Luna will not want to kill her own son. If she's torn by indecision that makes her very vulnerable.
Even if the Thestrals all loved Luna and only hated Celestia, Francois' actions would still be hurting Luna because one, it would hurt Celestia, who Luna loves, and two, it makes Luna look like she has very bad judgment for bringing Francois back to Equestria and asking for him to be pardoned.
That second one is already done though because Celestia knows from Agent Bentgrass that Francois is still evil. I really wonder what Luna is thinking now and whether she is prepared to help banish Francois or whether she will turn on Celestia. That could really make or break this battle.
3693262
The Thestrals resent Luna because she is simply going along with what Celestia has imposed on them and, rather than defend them, just takes a few of them when she needs new guards.
As far as what will happen to Luna if the attack is successful... You see in this chapter that Francois still loves her, so you can look forward to him at least telling his troops to not harm her.
As far as Luna goes, you're right, she will want to defend her sister, but at the same time, not fight her son. But when it comes down to it, well... I think River Song says it best
3676408
Feels wasn't really what I was going for, but now that you mention it... Solstice being worried about his father being taken and his and Francois's interactions would induce feels.
I can't believe I didn't see it while I was writing it, nice catch
.........this storyline is utter bullshit. it seems to rely on the prince being smarter than EVERYONE and everyone being total idiots. i mean, really, no one is going to suspect him but will suspect one of twilight's friends?
also, there is no one idiotic enoguh to see rainbow dash stabbed to death and be fooled into thinking that it was self defense................... that is just BAD. really, really bad. not to mention Celestia owuld ahve come to ponyville herself to investigate..............
this story is bad. it relies on the oc being the only itnelligent being in equstria and everyone else being idiots. there is no way that this guy could have even killed tiwlight even. she would have probably burst apart the bubble in a panic for one thing. then procee...............
this is just a bad story. not the worse, but extremely bad. it glorifies the oc and twists the plot so he gets away with murdering twilight and rainbow with immediately being caught. it is just bad.
when the plot goes along by the sutpidity of its characters, then it already failed.
also what does he suspect to happen if he attacks equistria with thestrals?
basically, rmember that beam celestia unleashed against chrysalis? now imagine that sweeping through the skies with the raw HATRED of a mourning sun regent through an army.
and luna would have saw straight through the murder and acted. relationship or not, she would not have betrayed celestia so......... celestia would have saw straight through it, ignore factor of panickign twilight breakign free under own power.
Celestia imprisoned luna to the moon, where she slept. Celestia was awake for a thosuand years, with nothing but candles as company, forced to be reiminded time and again of her sin. and she forgave luna on the spot................. Luna would not let family blind her any more than Celestia did.
.............. this story entirely relies on everyone EXCEPT the villain being idiots.
3723976
... Uh, that was CADENCE and SHINING ARMOR who pushed the Changelings out. Celestia got blown away by Chrysalis.
3724799 ............. why in the name of god does EVERYBODY forget how she did it? it was not under her own power. Chrysalis lucked out because of feeding on shining. It overcharged her power enough to outmuscle celestia. the character admitted herself that it was only because of that.
and there are other factors to figure into that too. one being that if celestia had broken contact with the blast and dodged, as she noticed she was getting outmuscled magically, the roof would ahve collapsed from the attack. another is that it is VERY likely that chrysalis was probably far weaker than celestai right after that attack anyway. that was not her normal level of strength, and that means she was expending all that energy without it eing able to recover to that level.
let us put it in another way. cleestia roughly is powerful enough to completely level her own castle with only a simple beam spell. what do you think would happen if she aimed that power at an attacking army?
though considering how pathetically contrived this story is.................... no, not going there............ FAAAAr from a fan of this story. everyone is an idiot in it.
3724799
Don't feed the parasprite. He doesn't like the story, fine. He just wants to cause trouble on the story. He can write long, misspelled comments full of grammatical errors. But people are still going to read the story and make their own judgments.
3724989
still i have to agree on one point: Francois success relies too much on the stupidity of everyone else which often happens in villain centric stories or villains in general you might want to work on that part a bit
3724989 and it is always those with flawed stories that poke at grammar.
you cannot deny that your plot is very contrived. it relies on everyone not being smart enough to add two and two. there is not an incident in this story i cannot cry foul about. i mean, twilight being murdered and no one suspecting him? hell twilight being murdered is farfetched when all she had to do is unleash enough magic to break that bubble. not to mention him murdering rainbow dash and everyone falling for a bullshit self defense claim.................. this story relies far too much on making him smarter than anyone else, and making everyone else idiotic or out of character.
and believe it or not, it is to that character detriment. that means he fails as a character to do anything that is significant, relying solely on the plot and nothing more.
also, crying bullshit of luna not taking him out immediately. Celestia suffered for a thousand years by binding luna to the moon. and celestia has just lost what was all but a daughter to her, and who also happens to be luna's savior. Luna would have killed him, killed him with remorse, but he had betrayed her in every conceivable way. not only murdering the ones who helped her be purified and restored, but being a murderer to begin with.
if celestia could bare the pain of a thousand years of isolation, those she growing close to solely being but candles to her starlight, luna could easily bare the pain of killing her fallen child before he become any more wicked.
..and i repeat. this plot is heavily contrived. oddly enough contrivance is the essence of the fictional word. things have to fall into place for a story to start. but it should not have to be at the cost of character and making obviously forced moments.
also........... the only outcome that could come from this attack is luna and celestia decimating the thestrals like the demigods they are, and celestia killing your oc without remorse or resistance. the elements are only needed, and seemingly usable, against entities of significant enough power to rival the princesses. celestia defended her domain for a millennium alone. what chance does a badly written oc and a mere army of winged monsters have against her and her sister?
3726620 maybe i was being harsh, but i have so very little tolerance for a narrative that relies on the protagonist, either a villain or a hero, being the solitary intelligent being in a world of morons. always hd the belief that if you cannot think of a way for something to happen without someone gaining a braincell deficiency, then it should not be done.one could write a story about twilight becoming corrupt and crazy, but unless you have the right catalysts then no one will really buy it.
even if it is a fanfic, there should be some effort to making sure that the plot makes SOME sense and try to fool you into thinking the character succeeded by his own power rather than the whim of the writer.
3726622
And yet you keep returning, throwing more and more long-winded comments.
I know the story isn't perfect and that it has its flaws. If you don't like it, that's fine. What I'm saying is that no matter what you say, people are going to read it and make their own decisions about the story.
As for the major plot points you have issues with: I gave a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why Francois was not arrested for Twilight's murder.
The reason Twilight didn't "break the bubble with a burst of magic" is because she was panicking, you almost never think straight when you panic, and losing oxygen to the brain will do the same thing. Twilight has been shown to not think about using her magic when she's in a panic situation; In "Feeling Pinkie Keen" she could have easily picked up Spike with levitation and teleported across that gap that everyone else jumped across while running from the hydra, but didn't think to do so because she was panicking.
As for the "bullshit" self-defense claim against Dash: She attacked first, and continued the attack despite the fact that Francois was getting his flank kicked, which forced his hand in using the kitchen knife.
As for your argument of "what would an army do against the royal pony sisters?" What happened during the Changeling invasion? Shining Armor was hypnotized, Celestia got her flank kicked, and Luna was nowhere to be found.
Again, if you don't like it, that's fine. Just give it a downvote and move on, rather than writing long-winded, troll-bait comments of an opinion that none of the fans of this story care about.
Good day to you sir.
3727442 explanation of her not breaking free is faulty. would she not release magic if she was panicking? she would be trying to break free, which is different from running, and would have easily released enough magic energy to break free sheerly by accident; this is the pony that hatched a dragon and turned her parents into potted plants when she had a panic attack when she was only a filly. it was only her conveniently not releasing energy that it did not happen. and when i say conveniently, i mean you wrote it that way because it was the only way it would work, despite the likelyhood of her releasing power in a desperate struggle to survive.
and i would still call bullshit for anyone buying any excuse from him. he is known as an enemy, and they would suspect him to begin with. and WELL above him than rarity who they would have no reason to suspect in the slightest.
..............chrysalis herself admitted the only reason why she overpowered celestia was because she had overcharged her magic. under her normal levels of strength, Chrysalis would ahve been blown away and her army would ahve quickly followed.
thus that statement is invalid. not to mention it was a surprise attack and not something they will see coming as easily as a sky full of demons.
3727442 there is a difference between an imperfect story and a critically flawed story. an imperfect story still functions, and a critically flawed story like this ceases to function.
3727501
Yet, despite these "critical flaws" you say it has, the story continues to move along and get more likes and favorites with each chapter released.
No, I don't think I'm RobCakeran53, Pen Stroke, Daemon of Decay, or any one of the great authors on this website, nor anywhere close.
I am writing this story because it was an idea I had that wouldn't leave my head. And I'm not writing it to please anyone. Some people like it, some people don't. Judging from the upvotes and number of favorites the story has, more people like it than don't.
3727701 and why i will not understand. it is not the worse story, but it is still far too flawed for me to enjoy, and probably others too.
a story should never ride upon the idiocy of its characters to reach tis conclusion, and when a character fights only idiots, he himself is nothing more than a conquerer of fools.
aka, having everyone stupid hurts your character.
3727711
And I hold nothing against you or the 6 other people that have downvoted the story. Not everyone likes the same things. This story, as well as every other one, isn't for everyone.
I am wondering what's going to happen to Solstice's mother now, and how Francois will explain that to Solstice if she does die or get severely injured/disabled.
I think it's good that you showed that Francois was nervous before the battle, but that he pushed on anyway. That means that he's got real actual courage.
For someone with so many good qualities, like kindness, courage, and generosity, it's a shame he has to be such an evil foal of a.... (loved your curse word substitution by the way).
*looks at coverart*
...So the leader of the Third Street Saints is an Equestrian prince?
3832067 ...Not really. Prince Francois is blue, not purple, and his cutie mark is a gold Fleur De Lis because I'm from New Orleans.
3832073
Meh, looks purple to me.
Look's better
I am loving this story great job Johnny 'gat'
better if still flawed........ you would think she would be far more competent and able to react to the situation. if surrounded, teleport inot a better position. do not wait till your wings are wounded to cast them all aside. use a FUCKING barrier or other spells.
still far better than anything else so far, still flawed enough i still have a hard time buying it, largely because of the contrivance before.
even if i could chalk that all up as inexperience, that just means celestia is gonna rape the oc to death. millennium of experience and nothing but motivation to kill oc and thestrals....... hell not even a hint of hesitation........
there is a reason beings of singular power are the most threat. if it is an army, she will aid her own army as something like a cannon. if it a combination of army and singular power, she will have her army hold back the invaders as she deals with the leader personally. but a singular being is the only time she will fight alone because her men would simply be swallowed up in the coming destruction.
Before this chapter I had a question in my mind on where Luna's loyalty would lie. I figured it would be with Celestia and the kingdom that they were bound to serve, but this chapter confirmed that. I think that Luna will probably never want to have another foal. I like the tie-in with the Crystal Empire too.
One of the main things in this chapter that I thought was interesting was the dialogue with Luna and Francois, on whether it was nature (his ancestry), nurture (Luna's not revealing the information about his father, or other mistakes she may have made in raising Francois), or if the blame fell completely on Francois' shoulders. Maybe it's intended to be a combination of all three?
I am curious if when Luna was about to kill Francois and he was begging, if Francois was truly panicing or just being manipulative, trying to give himself more time to be able to strike back.
Luna's going to have one hell of a headache when she wakes up! Maybe she'll wish it's just a hangover and the whole invasion thing didn't happen... that is until she discovers the horn blocker and the fact she's under guard. lol
Can you do a good/bad ending and with good i mean good for francois the bad ending though should only be one chapter detailing luna's regred of fighting/killing her son. In the good ending you should let luna turn half herself half nigtmare moon ya know both personallity mixed into one and that i think should be an separed story but stil a sequel