Speak
Something about today felt… dark. There was something huge missing from the world and nopony noticed it. The sky was dark and gloomy, leaving nothing but the calm rhythm of the rain trickling down the moving window.
The train moved forward; alone, forced on a single, desolate track that determined the entirety of it’s existence, and it would be forced to ride on, eternally, until it’s final day. Such a voyage-filled with the deep sorrow and exuberant joy, a testament to a thousand trips.
The two sat, silent, in the brightly decorated cabin; such an old machine still managed to look good. It had been through so much hardship, yet it still managed to keep moving. It was comforting, yet the memories of the day still ate away at them like a parasite.
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A glorious array of blues covered the midday sky as the train arrived in Canterlot, it’s tall buildings and beautiful spires radiating in Celestia’s beautiful sunlight. The trip had been long, and the passengers were relieved to finally arrive.
The station was decedent; covered with streaming ribbons, artfully crafted golden and ivory pillars, and carved archways that left the viewer knowing they were in Equestria’s capital. The Cakes stepped out of the train, looking in awe at such a glorious sight.
“It really is beautiful, isn’t it?” Carrot Cake said to his wife, trying to reduce his tension with smalltalk. His stress was obvious in his features.
“Yes, very, uh, beautiful…” Mrs. Cake was worried sick. She couldn’t help feeling… unnerved.
Is the shop fine? What about the twins? Is this order from the princess actually going to help our business? Worry kept pecking at her mind like needles piercing skin.
The two continued into the city, lumbering behind them a massive cake. A cake that would soon see the halls of the castle.
The streets of Canterlot were as busy as ever. Merchants called out attempting to make some bits, families enjoyed their outdoor lunches, viewing the nearby street, and some foals happily sang songs and jumped rope on the sidewalk.
Canterlot was happy, oblivious, even, to the world around it. It seemed as though nopony had a single care in the world, hiding from outside trouble inside their towering walls and beautiful buildings.
“Ooooh!” A little filly stared at the enormous pastry in awe, never has she seen such a marvelous creation as the one that towered before her. “That cake is HUGE!”
“It’s for the princess.” Mr Cake’s statement was as warm as the blue sky.
The filly’s eyes grew even wider.
“It’s a creation that deserves unconditional love and care. Something so unique should never be taken for granted. It takes hard work and loving care to get here…”
“And boy has it payed off!” Mr Cake made a glance at his wife for cutting him off mid sentence. “With how much time we put into it, it better be worth our time.”
The filly felt shock by the sudden change of tone, and turned back to her friends. They looked very eager, presumably hoping to get a piece.
“You know it’s not just the benefits we get that matter, just imagine how happy everypony will be!”
The aging mare glanced at her husband. Her could be noticed on her features, in her voice, and in her attitude. Becoming successful had changed her.
The filly stared at the couple as they continued to trot towards the castle. She swore she could hear yelling.
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The walls of the castle were as decadent as the streets of the city, portraying the undying care that went into keeping the city beautiful. As such a symbol was the most important to keeping the Equestria’s harmony intact.
Princess Celestia watched as the Cakes walked into the hall, dragging behind them a massive cake. She looked as though she had just seen something dreadful. The two bowed to her, a formality she was none too fond of.
“Hello, your highness.” His tone was very formal. “We have the special cake you ordered for the Gala”
“Good…” She was almost silent. She felt ashamed to have withheld for even a moment. “There is something that I must tell you.”
The two could sense fear and tension in her voice. They were unsure as to what she could have meant.
Celestia swallowed. “I recently received a letter from my student, Twilight Sparkle, and her friends. It said that something terrible has happened. I have concluded to inform you to immediately.”
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The hallways of the hospital were gloomy, ironically dark for a place that is supposed to provide hope. The only light a withering candle; the only sounds quiet tears, the beeping and buzzing of medical equipment, and the ethereal drumbeat of the pouring rain. The group looked down at the silent body of Pinkie Pie.
She was so quiet. So… different. The loudest, weirdest, most obnoxious, craziest, most bizarre, most excitable, friendliest, most exuberant,, happiest ponies alive.
Alive.
“S-s-so…” Rainbow Dash finally broke hours of silence. Her voice was quiet and raspy; It wasn’t normal for her to go more than ten minutes without speaking, let alone an entire day. The other ponies looked at her in mild surprise. “...do you think she’ll wake up?”
The others’ tears stopped. They had never considered the thought that she wouldn’t get up eventually. They thought she’d be up at any moment, with her happy self.
“Has a-anypony even considered that she might be here, like, f-forever?” She began to unleash loud, wailing tears.
Her friends saw her tense reaction and began to see the situation as it was, and gathered together in a group embrace. They, too, began to cry loudly.
One word replayed endlessly in the back of all their minds: forever.
The dark, desperate room felt even darker, and the rain continued to fall mercilessly.
Forever.
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I really don't comprehend this sentence:
Okay, I think I understand it, but it's just a hair out of kilter, and it's not just because it's Celestia trying to sound sort of official.
That minor matter aside, it's good to see this story going again.
Short chapter, but better than nothing. MOAR!
3647581 Well. I'm not super-awesomely 100% sure when, as I never set a strict date for myself. (Which is probably why I never get much done. Like, ever.)
However, I'm trying for the 26th. HOPEFULLY, I can actually get stuff done if I set a (semi) strict date.
At worst, it'll be no later than New Years Day.
This one is more artistic and less polished than previous, but please, keep going!
Issues:
• "...entirety of it’s existence,", "...until it’s final day.", "...it’s tall buildings..." - its. It's is the contraction of "it is". The best way to get it memorized is to listen to Strong Bad's song on the subject.
• "Such a voyage-filled with the deep sorrow and exuberant joy, a testament to a thousand trips." This sentence is confusing. Is this supposed to be hyphenated?
• "The two sat," - The two what/who?
• "The station was decedent; covered with streaming ribbons," - I think you mean decadent.
• "She couldn’t help feeling… unnerved." - While the use of an ellipsis to denote a pause has become increasingly common, it is still bad form to use it in narration. If you must use it, save it for quoted speech, as it implies that someone specific is pausing. This can work in a first-person perspective, but is distracting in the third person.
• "Worry kept pecking at her mind like needles piercing skin." - Dissimilar meanings. "Peck" means with or like with a beak, so the metaphor is inherent. Adding another metaphor is redundant. "Peck" is also a mild term, implying irritation, while "needles piercing skin" is much more severe and unpleasant.
• "Canterlot was happy, oblivious, even, to the world around it." - Awkward and confusing. Perhaps: "Canterlot was happy; oblivious, even, to the world around it."
• "Mr Cake " - Mr.
• "Her could be noticed on her features, in her voice, and in her attitude." - Her what?
• "The walls of the castle were as decadent as the streets of the city, portraying the undying care that went into keeping the city beautiful." - Spelling is correct here, but you seem to be consistently using 'decadent' in a positive sense. As an adjective, it means:
• " As such a symbol was the most important to keeping the Equestria’s harmony intact." - "As" is being used as a conjunction here, but without anything to be joined to. And do you mean Equestria's harmony or the Equestrian harmony?
• "So… different." - ellipsis use again
• "The loudest, weirdest, most obnoxious, craziest, most bizarre, most excitable, friendliest, most exuberant,, happiest ponies alive." - Confusing sentence. Either some words were deleted or there is an extra comma and you meant "happiest of ponies".
• "She began to unleash loud, wailing tears." - Tears do not wail. 'Sobs' or 'cries' would work better.
• "Her friends saw her tense reaction..." - wrong term, 'distraught' would work better. Usually, tension is what leads up to a reaction. Or did you mean intense?
3760942 Dude, calm down. Work has been stressing the crap out of me, and I've been having serious writer's block, and trust me, I'm still trying.
More?????
Well that just destroyed my carefully constructed semblance of happiness